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Fourth Date

SycamoreCircle

By SycamoreCircle
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Syberia Established Member

Syberia

Posted
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Yeah I'd say pop the question. That'll send her running for the hills.

 

Wait, she'd probably say yes!

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SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

Posted
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She did tell me that she dated a guy who proposed to her after two weeks. That's the second woman I've briefly dated who confessed to premature proposals. I think it's secretly flattering to them.:laugh:

 

I'm thinking about saying this, "L, I just can't give to you the way I suspect you can give to me. I did and said some very foolish stuff. I moved way too quickly. I still think about my ex. The deeper I go with you, the more my ex tends to pop up. And I just don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship."

 

All of these things are true.

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losangelena Established Member

losangelena

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Shortened it for you:

 

I'm thinking about saying this, "L, I just can't give to you the way you can give to me. The deeper I go with you, the more my ex tends to pop up. And I just don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship."

 

The other stuff, while true, isn't necessary after four dates, and, I suspect, will open the door to more communication, not less. Simply telling someone after four dates that you're not feeling it is enough—they're not really in a position to be demanding answers or a deeper explanation. After four months, yes; four dates, get out of here.

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losangelena Established Member

losangelena

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I will always take to heart something my mom once said.

 

Last summer, I had gone out with this guy twice before going to Oregon for three weeks. He kept making contact, but I wasn't feeling it, and knew that I didn't want to continue seeing him when I got back. So, I casually asked my mom and brother one day what I should tell this guy I didn't want to see anymore.

 

My brother asked, "how many dates did you go on?"

I said, "two."

While he ponders a thoughtful response, my mom chimes in with, "tell him to drop dead."

 

It was an LOL moment for sure, and while I did not tell that guy to drop dead, there's something to be said for a 70-year-old's perspective. Yes, it might be hurtful/disappointing/awkward right now, but in a few weeks or even a few days, this girl is going to be completely over it, unless she's got some kind of undiagnosed mental disorder. For you to go on at any length about your reasons for cutting things off with her, you risk making it seem as if you were more involved than you were.

 

Give her the gentle equivalent of "drop dead."

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Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

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Here is what happened so far:

 

-E-mail correspondence.

 

-Date 1: Met in person. 4-hour date. Made out heavily.

 

-Date 2: Went wandering through Brooklyn. Had lunch and dinner together. Made out. Snuggled.

 

-Date 3: Took her to the Orchid Show at NY Botanic Garden.

 

-Date 4: Cooked for her at my place. Made out in my bed.

 

I'm gonna go against the grain here with majority of posters saying she came on strong and she's the one that is in the wrong. If you did these things with her, no wonder she is coming on strong. You practically set the stage for a relationship with these intense 4 dates.

 

 

Yes, but I feel partly responsible. I did some stupid stuff. I deactivated my OKC account after I saw that she deactivated hers, and I told her about it.

 

I texted her "I will never lie to you" and "I think about you a lot."

 

Was I lying? No. But I moved way too quickly. I accept that I'm at fault.

 

Yes you moved too quickly, which in turn she picked up and matched your pace. This girl did nothing wrong. She clearly wants a relationship, and from what you were doing to her, giving her the green light with the romance, she is just reciprocating.

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writergal Established Member

writergal

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Sycamore,

 

  • It's clear from your multiple threads since your break-up that you are not emotionally available to date much less be in another relationship just yet.
     
  • If you want to rebound with her to get over your ex, that's your call but just be honest with yourself about why you would rebound with this particular woman.
     
  • If you came on strong over 4 dates with her, that's why she's responding so intensely and has high and unrealistic expectations already (way too soon).
     
  • I agree with the others that after only 4 dates, the phone is perfectly acceptable for a break-up platform. Don't breakup with her via email or text. The phone is the best. If you breakup with her in person she will probably get hysterical (you make her sound really intense).
     
  • Next time, realize that when you come on strong, women respond in like and come on strong because your actions (French kissing, cuddling, snuggling, cooking dinner) gave her the green light that you are emotionally available when you really aren't.

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SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

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Yes, I agree with all of the tough judgments of my actions.

 

I really did feel after the first date like I'd met someone.

 

What does an emotionally unavailable man do? It's clear I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Should I just keep jerking off to porn for another year? Should I swear off all dating? I'm genuinely asking. I guess I could have put all the money I blew on tickets and dinners on a handjob from an escort in Midtown and spare everyone, including LS, the labor.

 

She's such a sweet girl. She hasn't texted me that much today. Maybe I should give this a little more time.:eek:

writergal Established Member

writergal

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If you want to give this more time to see what happens, just go forward being honest with yourself and with her about what your boundaries are, since she's shown you hers.

 

Weight can be lost.

Character is permanent. (Traits like trustworthiness, honesty)

Income can change.

Personality is set in stone. (Traits like extro/intro-vert, sense of humor)

 

Let her know where you stand and what you are looking for. "Right now I'm just dating and am not looking for a relationship." Let her know upfront that even if she was one of the Top Models (more your slim physique type), that you can't promise her a relationship even if the chemistry between you two is strong. That's the truth isn't it? You aren't ready for another relationship since you just broke up with your ex a year ago and still feel bittersweet about it (more bitter than sweet sometimes too).

 

As long as you are honest with this woman, you really can't lose. Honesty goes a lot farther than you'd think.

 

Yes, I agree with all of the tough judgments of my actions.

 

I really did feel after the first date like I'd met someone.

 

What does an emotionally unavailable man do? It's clear I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Should I just keep jerking off to porn for another year? Should I swear off all dating? I'm genuinely asking. I guess I could have put all the money I blew on tickets and dinners on a handjob from an escort in Midtown and spare everyone, including LS, the labor.

 

She's such a sweet girl. She hasn't texted me that much today. Maybe I should give this a little more time.:eek:

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Under The Radar Established Member

Under The Radar

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Yes, I agree with all of the tough judgments of my actions.

 

I really did feel after the first date like I'd met someone.

 

What does an emotionally unavailable man do? It's clear I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Should I just keep jerking off to porn for another year? Should I swear off all dating? I'm genuinely asking. I guess I could have put all the money I blew on tickets and dinners on a handjob from an escort in Midtown and spare everyone, including LS, the labor.

 

She's such a sweet girl. She hasn't texted me that much today. Maybe I should give this a little more time.:eek:

 

The longer you let this go on the more difficult it will become to end it.

 

The compassionate thing to do for the two of you is to break it off ...... sooner rather than later.

 

In my opinion you will not completely get past your ex until you fall in love again with someone else, but that obviously cannot be forced. The interim will still have you doubtful at times and revisiting the pain in various moments.

 

I think you should still meet women and continue dating, but the woman you are currently with doesn't appear to be a match.

 

Again, let her go.

writergal Established Member

writergal

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scratch my Top Model comment. Don't tell her that. I tried to delete that line just now in my post b/c I was being ironic. Don't take it literally though! But do be honest with her.

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SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

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I remember when I was younger and before I had any real dating experience I would meet women all the time that I ached to have something with. None of them would give me the time of day. Now that I seem to be able to nab women with barely any effort, I have too much baggage to enjoy anything.:sick:

writergal Established Member

writergal

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Yeah well everybody carries their emotional baggage around from their past relationships. Some people cling to it, whereas others let it go. It's been one year and you are still holding on to that emotional baggage because you aren't over the breakup with your ex just yet. Date casually, sure. But do you really think you are relationship material right now? I mean, you think this woman is fat, clingy and yet physically you've had her on your bed to cuddle, snuggle, and French kiss with. Methinks you are confused. Methinks you need to put the brakes on liberally (I advised you earlier to do that) with her now if you want to keep dating her. Otherwise, end this 4-dater over the phone and reactivate your OLD profile. It's your life. Trust your gut.

 

I remember when I was younger and before I had any real dating experience I would meet women all the time that I ached to have something with. None of them would give me the time of day. Now that I seem to be able to nab women with barely any effort, I have too much baggage to enjoy anything.:sick:
BlackOpsZombieGirl Established Member

BlackOpsZombieGirl

Posted
Posted
Yes, I agree with all of the tough judgments of my actions.

 

I really did feel after the first date like I'd met someone.

 

What does an emotionally unavailable man do? It's clear I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Should I just keep jerking off to porn for another year? Should I swear off all dating? I'm genuinely asking. I guess I could have put all the money I blew on tickets and dinners on a handjob from an escort in Midtown and spare everyone, including LS, the labor.

 

She's such a sweet girl. She hasn't texted me that much today. Maybe I should give this a little more time.:eek:

 

Jerking to porn is better than yanking someone's chain. Even though she was in the wrong for scolding you, you're in the wrong for "giving it more time" with someone that you're lukewarm about.

 

 

.

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Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

Posted
Posted
It's clear I'm not ready for a serious relationship. Should I just keep jerking off to porn for another year? Should I swear off all dating? I'm genuinely asking

 

Let her know where you stand and what you are looking for. "Right now I'm just dating and am not looking for a relationship."

 

You don't need to stop dating if you don't want to. I agree with writergal, just be upfront and honest about not wanting anything serious with this woman. It's been 4 intense dates, and she texting you like a girlfriend. If you let it go on, then you are completely at fault because you are selfishly holding on to her for an ego boost. Call her and tell her.

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Gary S Established Member

Gary S

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Okay, so you are on the rebound and not ready for anything serious. I would continue to date other women, it's good therapy. You can always find separated women or other on the rebound to date.

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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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you know you dont want to be with her, so you should be a man and end it.....ridiculing her every move or thing she does....it seems to me you are making more of her actions to justify your disinterest

 

just end it and i agree with you ...i think in person is a better option.....it is only four dates....but ending it in person would make you more of a gentleman i guess......she has loads of family and friends she will survive..deb

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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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Oh, Redhead---thank you so much! And you're a woman, I presume. I thought I was just being a prick, but this girl really is muscling me into a relationship.

 

She also says things that just seem premature. For example, one of our dates we met at the Brooklyn Bridge and walked across it. She kept saying the whole time, "this is just the best day..." "thank you for such a great date"---ALL WE WERE DOING WAS WALKING ACROSS A FµCKING BRIDGE. She wanted the entire date to be spontaneous. But as soon as we got across the bridge, she said "where are we walking to?" and "OK, do you want to _______?" and looking at her phone she said "wow, we made the bridge in 30 minutes!" What does any of that have to do with spontaneity?

 

Also, as I've mentioned in another post, she's an uptown girl and dresses in a way that reflects that. The other day she told me she was going shopping. Last night she shows up at my apartment with her new duds looking like a female version of me!

 

Well some of the points you've made here just make it seem like she's not the girl for you. The only thing I think you need to relax or get real about is: her saying that it was the best day. That's a good thing and you should see it like that.

 

As far as her new outfit maybe she was trying to bond with you or be on your level clothes wise--it could be annoying or it could be that you are being overly touchy. I'd have to see the outfit. The other stuff she did would be annoying (not to some guys of course) but I definitely understand your annoyance. She may just not be for you.

 

I also think you may be reading too much into that she is trying to rope you into a relationship. Typical of guys to feel that way whether or not it's true is another thing. She could just be being enthusiastic. Plus trying to secure date 5, etc is different than actually being in one and that's where some overeager women sometimes figure it out that you weren't all you were cracked up to be (though I'm sure you are:cool:). Part of what is definitely going on is that you are panicking, which has more to do with you than her.

 

The bit of truth is her calling you out for no emotional support. On date 4???? That's too heavy and definitely clingy or over-invested. Even if she is not the one and has a overwhelming desire to have someone as her boyfriend right now, I do think you also have some things that require some work so you don't miss out on a good girl because of the way you interpret things. Good luck

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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
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Oh, Redhead---thank you so much! And you're a woman, I presume. I thought I was just being a prick, but this girl really is muscling me into a relationship.

 

She also says things that just seem premature. For example, one of our dates we met at the Brooklyn Bridge and walked across it. She kept saying the whole time, "this is just the best day..." "thank you for such a great date"---ALL WE WERE DOING WAS WALKING ACROSS A FµCKING BRIDGE. She wanted the entire date to be spontaneous. But as soon as we got across the bridge, she said "where are we walking to?" and "OK, do you want to _______?" and looking at her phone she said "wow, we made the bridge in 30 minutes!" What does any of that have to do with spontaneity?

 

Also, as I've mentioned in another post, she's an uptown girl and dresses in a way that reflects that. The other day she told me she was going shopping. Last night she shows up at my apartment with her new duds looking like a female version of me!

 

OP, just end it with her. Clearly, CLEARLY, you are not into her... so do her a favor and end it.

 

Given your feelings (or lack thereof)...NOT ending it would make you a "prick."

  • Like 1
idoltree Established Member

idoltree

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Sycamore,

 

Meta-question: what are you hoping to accomplish by dating?

 

Because every one of your dates that you post about seems to go through the same pattern:

 

  • Guys, I'm super excited about my date
  • Why does she like me? I'm so downtownz and hip.
  • Brooklyn.
  • Brooklyn. Dumpsters. Liked Brooklyn before it was cool.
  • Why did she choose me? She's materialistic. What's wrong with HER? Why did she want to go out with me? How dare she.
  • Guys, this isn't working. We're too different.
  • Guys, she likes me. Better sabotage it.

Repeat with next girl.

 

So, what are you trying to do? Are you only comfortable with sex? Then pursue sex and nothing more (and be open that is your goal). You won't have to worry about the caliber of woman if this is your goal. Go for shallow qualities and have fun.

 

Do you want a relationship? Then start choosing hipster Brooklyn dumpster-loving-women who will value your living in Brooklyn so you don't get sabotagey as quickly as you usually do.

 

You keep choosing to date women who are, as you say, materialistic, then spending so much time wondering why they want to date you. Exactly what is that accomplishing? Do you subconsciously pick out women who will trigger your specific issues so you can preemptively resent them as a way to feel superior to them? Because that's what it seems like you do every.single.time.

 

I don't get you. You give good advice to other people, but your own dating life is a massive blind spot with the same repeating pattern, yet you remain flummoxed about it all.

  • Like 4
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted
Sycamore,

 

Meta-question: what are you hoping to accomplish by dating?

 

Because every one of your dates that you post about seems to go through the same pattern:

 

  • Guys, I'm super excited about my date
  • Why does she like me? I'm so downtownz and hip.
  • Brooklyn.
  • Brooklyn. Dumpsters. Liked Brooklyn before it was cool.
  • Why did she choose me? She's materialistic. What's wrong with HER? Why did she want to go out with me? How dare she.
  • Guys, this isn't working. We're too different.
  • Guys, she likes me. Better sabotage it.

Repeat with next girl.

 

So, what are you trying to do? Are you only comfortable with sex? Then pursue sex and nothing more (and be open that is your goal). You won't have to worry about the caliber of woman if this is your goal. Go for shallow qualities and have fun.

 

Do you want a relationship? Then start choosing hipster Brooklyn dumpster-loving-women who will value your living in Brooklyn so you don't get sabotagey as quickly as you usually do.

 

You keep choosing to date women who are, as you say, materialistic, then spending so much time wondering why they want to date you. Exactly what is that accomplishing? Do you subconsciously pick out women who will trigger your specific issues so you can preemptively resent them as a way to feel superior to them? Because that's what it seems like you do every.single.time.

 

I don't get you. You give good advice to other people, but your own dating life is a massive blind spot with the same repeating pattern, yet you remain flummoxed about it all.

 

^^Commitment phobe....

  • Like 1
writergal Established Member

writergal

Posted
Posted
^^Commitment phobe....

 

What idoltree said.

What katiegrl said.

 

Enough said.

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SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

Posted
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Posted
Sycamore,

 

Meta-question: what are you hoping to accomplish by dating?

 

Because every one of your dates that you post about seems to go through the same pattern:

 

  • Guys, I'm super excited about my date
  • Why does she like me? I'm so downtownz and hip.
  • Brooklyn.
  • Brooklyn. Dumpsters. Liked Brooklyn before it was cool.
  • Why did she choose me? She's materialistic. What's wrong with HER? Why did she want to go out with me? How dare she.
  • Guys, this isn't working. We're too different.
  • Guys, she likes me. Better sabotage it.

Repeat with next girl.

 

So, what are you trying to do? Are you only comfortable with sex? Then pursue sex and nothing more (and be open that is your goal). You won't have to worry about the caliber of woman if this is your goal. Go for shallow qualities and have fun.

 

Do you want a relationship? Then start choosing hipster Brooklyn dumpster-loving-women who will value your living in Brooklyn so you don't get sabotagey as quickly as you usually do.

 

You keep choosing to date women who are, as you say, materialistic, then spending so much time wondering why they want to date you. Exactly what is that accomplishing? Do you subconsciously pick out women who will trigger your specific issues so you can preemptively resent them as a way to feel superior to them? Because that's what it seems like you do every.single.time.

 

I don't get you. You give good advice to other people, but your own dating life is a massive blind spot with the same repeating pattern, yet you remain flummoxed about it all.

I think there's some truth to what you say and some of it is just having fun at my expense.

 

-I have been dating interesting, attractive women online.

 

-I have been finding problems with the woman and not pursuing things.

 

-I do feel an initial immense excitement. I think this is both a blessing and a curse. I'm always unusually hopeful.

 

-The materialism is something that I don't recognize in the profiles, necessarily and it is an issue with me. I take exception to it. I don't agree with it and I find it runs deeper in a person's psyche than most people admit.

 

-I do have a lot of issues. I think the biggest thing is do I continue to date or just reside in the fact that I"m not ready?

 

If you were as familiar with my posts as you claim, you would know sex is not a primary objective for me. If you want to poke fun at me for being "downtown" and "hip" and "cool"---those are all things people on this forum have labeled me when I describe my likes and preferences. Feeling the need to criticize me for my lifestyle and preferences is more a reflection of the person criticizing than myself.

 

I think, all in all, you'll find me one of the most honest posters on LoveShack.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted

OP, the problems you are encountering speak more to your *own issues,* .... rather anything "wrong" with the women..

 

And until you recognize that, you will continue to encounter these same *problems* again and again....

writergal Established Member

writergal

Posted
Posted

-I do have a lot of issues. I think the biggest thing is do I continue to date or just reside in the fact that I"m not ready?

 

I think, all in all, you'll find me one of the most honest posters on LoveShack.

 

We all have issues Syc, but that's not the problem here. The problem is that you admit -- as 'one of the most honest posters on LoveShack' -- that you aren't that into this woman physically (yet you somehow managed to cuddle, snuggle and French kiss her on your bed), that you are put off by her materialism, and that you know you aren't emotionally recovered from your breakup yet so you know on some level you couldn't give a woman 100% of yourself yet where the opportunity to pursue a relationship with a woman present itself.

 

So, what do you want to do about this woman? Is your attraction more 'meh' or is it 'yeah!' for her? Do you want to give this more time because you like her, or because you dislike being alone, and dislike the whole OLD process?

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SycamoreCircle Established Member

SycamoreCircle

Posted
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Posted (edited)
What idoltree said.

What katiegrl said.

 

Enough said.

 

Have I not said that I'm emotionally stuck? I'd hardly call someone who is looking for something to fill the void, going on blind dates, and being careful not to hurt or mislead people a commitment-phobe.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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