Jiylien Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I've been struggling to make this story short and have rewritten it twice now. Basically I met a guy on Okcupid, went on one date with him, massively attracted to him, it was like instant lust. Mutual lust. We hung out a few times after, got close, had sex three times over the course of 10 days. Then he tells me he needs to talk and confesses he is just not over his ex girlfriend and when he's with me he keeps thinking about her. He says it's not right, unfair to me and to himself for us to continue a relationship. I was angry, disappointed, sad and a little hurt. I wish I had never met him, to be completely honest. I developed feelings for him WAY too fast. Within 10 days I was hooked. Now it's been about 4 days since we stopped talking and I'm STILL thinking about him. I keep running through the gauntlet of emotions and I keep trying to remind myself that if I tried to date him I would be sitting here wondering if he's thinking about his ex. I have too much self respect to play second fiddle in anyone's life. I NEED to stop thinking about this guy. Just today I'm tempted to text him and wish him luck because he's supposed to have gall bladder removal surgery and I know I should not even go there. We are too sexually attracted to each other to be friends (he said he wouldn't feel right continuing a sexual relationship) and I refuse to date him because he's not over his ex. This is incredibly frustrating and positively crazy that I would feel this way over someone I barely know. I also liked him as a person. We have things in common. We connected emotionally/intellectually. He was very good to me, very much a gentleman. He made me feel really good about myself. I know I should not have slept with him. That that forged an emotional connection with him that he told me he just can't reciprocate (though he did feel a connection with me on the first date, that he hadn't felt with other women he recently dated) Now it's hard for me to erase him from my mind. Help. =(
Vintage79 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 That's hard, but just give it a bit of time and you'll be fine...it just sucks in the interim. Regardless use this as a learning opportunity - don't sleep with people too soon if you're not ready for the emotional turmoil.
Author Jiylien Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 That's hard, but just give it a bit of time and you'll be fine...it just sucks in the interim. Regardless use this as a learning opportunity - don't sleep with people too soon if you're not ready for the emotional turmoil. I absolutely agree. The kicker to this situation is two months ago my relationship of 7 years ended. (It was over for a long time, we just didn't admit it to each other and were more or less living like friends/roomates that occasionally gave chaste kisses and hugs. There was no passion left) I think I've been on the rebound since my ex left me. Actually, I'm almost SURE I've been on the rebound. Which is probably why I was so eager to get close to someone so quickly. I probably have no business dating right now, but I have a void left by my ex that I want to fill. I haven't been alone in so long that I don't know HOW to be alone. I don't WANT to be alone. Typing this out makes me feel like a hot mess. I'm even seeing a therapist and she's telling me I need to stop seeking validation from men and focus on making myself happy. I should listen to her. 2
BluEyeL Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I had that happen but I didn't sleep with him. Instantly attracted to a guy, went on three dates and then he didn't want to continue. It took me about 3 months to get over him. Now, two years later, I don't understand what I've seen in him and he's a very distant memory. You have to go no contact. Go online and talk to other guys, getting new male attention should help. 2
Mrin Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 That truly sucks my dear. Just a thought for you to try on: it isn't that you shouldn't have slept with him. But rather he shouldn't have slept with you. In the end it was your choice because it takes two to tango. But you can't go through life being reserved and looking for sure bets. You followed your heart and your lust. And that's ok. You got burnt and that's okay too. Look at it this way - you now know that IT is out there. Not with him but IT is out there. Use this experience to set an expectation, and intention if you will - to find it again. Continue with NC. Please. Don't backslide. This too shall pass.
Toodaloo Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Drop and give me 20 every time you think of him. Doesn't matter where you are. Each time he pops into your head stop drop and 20 pushups... Not only will get get fed up of looking like a pillock within days but you will also have the sexiest arms in the country just in time for bikini weather! 3
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Sorry to hear that OP Sounds like a ****ty situation for everyone involved.
Mrin Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Now, two years later, I don't understand what I've seen in him and he's a very distant memory. You have to go no contact. Go online and talk to other guys, getting new male attention should help. That's the beauty of the human brain. Neural connections that don't get used go away over time. What once seemed insurmountable is now just a passing notion. 1
Author Jiylien Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Tip: monogamy before sex...... Wise words. I think next time I'm going to make it a point to take things slow. Get to know him. Like with my first (and only) relationship. We took things very slow. Which is probably why it lasted so long. Though it shouldn't have. But that's a whole other can of worms.
Author Jiylien Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 I had that happen but I didn't sleep with him. Instantly attracted to a guy, went on three dates and then he didn't want to continue. It took me about 3 months to get over him. Now, two years later, I don't understand what I've seen in him and he's a very distant memory. You have to go no contact. Go online and talk to other guys, getting new male attention should help. That is sad, sorry to hear that. It's good you didn't sleep together, that would have made it much harder for you, I feel. I think it's going to take me a while to no longer think of him, too. I actually have been back online, chatting with guys. It's a welcome distraction. Just now I'm being more cautious. 1
katiegrl Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Drop and give me 20 every time you think of him. Doesn't matter where you are. Each time he pops into your head stop drop and 20 pushups... Not only will get get fed up of looking like a pillock within days but you will also have the sexiest arms in the country just in time for bikini weather! The *rubber band method* works equally as well!
Author Jiylien Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 That truly sucks my dear. Just a thought for you to try on: it isn't that you shouldn't have slept with him. But rather he shouldn't have slept with you. In the end it was your choice because it takes two to tango. But you can't go through life being reserved and looking for sure bets. You followed your heart and your lust. And that's ok. You got burnt and that's okay too. Look at it this way - you now know that IT is out there. Not with him but IT is out there. Use this experience to set an expectation, and intention if you will - to find it again. Continue with NC. Please. Don't backslide. This too shall pass. That is a great way to think about it...and funny enough he even told me we shouldn't have slept together. He recognized that it made me develop an emotional connection with him. I'm trying not to beat myself up over my choices. It definitely is a learning experience. Ultimately though, I enjoyed myself in the moment. It was great while it lasted. But yes. No contact. I'm going to try my darndest to stick to it.
katiegrl Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 The *rubber band method* works equally as well! ^^minus the strong sexy arms of course....
Author Jiylien Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Drop and give me 20 every time you think of him. Doesn't matter where you are. Each time he pops into your head stop drop and 20 pushups... Not only will get get fed up of looking like a pillock within days but you will also have the sexiest arms in the country just in time for bikini weather! This made me laugh, thank you!! That would be a great method, and I would appreciate the sexy arms, haha. I actually sing a stupid little song in my head whenever I think of him. It makes me laugh and it reminds me that I consider him to be a bit of an a** for giving me hope, whether he meant to or not.
Author Jiylien Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 That's the beauty of the human brain. Neural connections that don't get used go away over time. What once seemed insurmountable is now just a passing notion. I know this to be true. When I got out of my long term relationship, the utter pain of it was so awful initially. But then it went away over time. Now I don't really think about my ex anymore. I miss him a little but now that my emotional connection with him is virtually non existent, I can think with clarity and see our relationship was dead for a long time.
Author Jiylien Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 ^^minus the strong sexy arms of course.... I should try the rubber band method... Though yes, I will miss out on the sexy arms. Hahaha.
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 You've got great advise in here. You know even though your feelings are intense they are just superficial and will go away with a little bit of effort. Last time I had a hard time getting someone out of my head I took a big wall calendar and put a big X in every day I succeeded the NC. I also made a point of rewarding myself for my efforts, go slow on the chocolate. It takes about 3 weeks for those brain connectors to reroute themselves.
Author Jiylien Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 You've got great advise in here. You know even though your feelings are intense they are just superficial and will go away with a little bit of effort. Last time I had a hard time getting someone out of my head I took a big wall calendar and put a big X in every day I succeeded the NC. I also made a point of rewarding myself for my efforts, go slow on the chocolate. It takes about 3 weeks for those brain connectors to reroute themselves. That is a great idea...I think I will try that. I know that I WILL get over my feelings for him, but it just kind of sucks all around. Like I pine over the thoughts of what could have been. It just makes me sad. I really did think I could have found happiness with him, had things worked out.
Mrin Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Like I pine over the thoughts of what could have been. It just makes me sad. I really did think I could have found happiness with him, had things worked out. Hey, not to get all Landmark on you but here's a way to think about it. Imagine two big circles side by side. One circle is labeled "What Happened" the other is labeled "My Story". Now let's unpack The Romance into those circles. Put all the little pieces into each circle. In the What Happened circle are facts. What goes into the My Story is all of the feelings and meaning that you have around the facts in What Happened. I'll unpack it for you: What Happened: You met a guy and it didn't work out My Story: You had sex too early You developed emotions too quickly You could have found happiness with him et cetera... What goes into My Story isn't bad. Or wrong. Or anything. It is just the meaning that you put behind the What Happened. It isn't wrong to do it - in fact it is human nature. We have to give meaning to things. That's what we are as humans. The thing to realize is that you have little or no control over What Happened. But you have 100% control over the stuff in My Story. In some ways that makes My Story "less real". But in other ways it makes it whatever you want it to be. It is up to you. 100%. So a story you could also make would be "I found a connection with someone that I didn't know was possible. But now that I know it is possible, I know I can go out and find it again - with someone else - someone more suitable for a lasting relationship. And I am really grateful for having this experience because it has changed my understanding and expectation of what's possible." That's a great story because it elevates you intentions. Your expectations. Embrace it, explore it. And maybe just maybe, you rethink some of the other things you have in My Story to decide if they work for you. If they don't, acknowledge them and let them go. Anyhow, that probably came off as really confusing but I hope it helps. Best of luck! Mrin 1
Gary S Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Well, you were not with him long, you'll get over it quick, time will heal. Date other guys even if you don't want to, it's good therapy.
Toodaloo Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 This made me laugh, thank you!! That would be a great method, and I would appreciate the sexy arms, haha. I actually sing a stupid little song in my head whenever I think of him. It makes me laugh and it reminds me that I consider him to be a bit of an a** for giving me hope, whether he meant to or not. Do tell me what that song is... I think I could use it too! the only problem with the push ups is when you get old you end up injuring yourself doing it... Rowing machine and squats for me then!
Author Jiylien Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 Hey, not to get all Landmark on you but here's a way to think about it. Imagine two big circles side by side. One circle is labeled "What Happened" the other is labeled "My Story". Now let's unpack The Romance into those circles. Put all the little pieces into each circle. In the What Happened circle are facts. What goes into the My Story is all of the feelings and meaning that you have around the facts in What Happened. I'll unpack it for you: What Happened: You met a guy and it didn't work out My Story: You had sex too early You developed emotions too quickly You could have found happiness with him et cetera... What goes into My Story isn't bad. Or wrong. Or anything. It is just the meaning that you put behind the What Happened. It isn't wrong to do it - in fact it is human nature. We have to give meaning to things. That's what we are as humans. The thing to realize is that you have little or no control over What Happened. But you have 100% control over the stuff in My Story. In some ways that makes My Story "less real". But in other ways it makes it whatever you want it to be. It is up to you. 100%. So a story you could also make would be "I found a connection with someone that I didn't know was possible. But now that I know it is possible, I know I can go out and find it again - with someone else - someone more suitable for a lasting relationship. And I am really grateful for having this experience because it has changed my understanding and expectation of what's possible." That's a great story because it elevates you intentions. Your expectations. Embrace it, explore it. And maybe just maybe, you rethink some of the other things you have in My Story to decide if they work for you. If they don't, acknowledge them and let them go. Anyhow, that probably came off as really confusing but I hope it helps. Best of luck! Mrin That is an absolutely fabulous way to look at things, thank you very much! I think I am going to look at what has happened in a positive light, as learning experiences. You are right, I know now that I CAN have that connection with another person and it makes me happy to know it's a possibility. Thinking that way definitely helps me feel good about my choices instead of regretting them. Thank you for helping me see things rationally!
Mads3131 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 I am so sorry to hear this! I don't fall for guys often but when I do I fall fast and usually end up getting hurt. Its hard to control these emotions when you meet someone you are attracted to and feel a connection to! Definitely take this as a learning experience! Maybe next time don't move so fast? I am not blaming you when I say this, but for the sake of your own emotions take some time to get to know someone before jumping into things! Take more days in between dates in order to slow things down (For example, you said you had met up for sex three times in 10 days) Maybe only try hanging out once or twice a week for the first little while. I think this gives the guy a chance to pursue you (so you initially have a better idea of where he stands) and also keeps you from falling quite so fast
preraph Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 This happens to just about everyone over the course of their dating years. Now you have feelings out of control and don't want to let go. But you know you have to. So this is where your learning and growing experience begins and if you can't yet control your feelings even when you know it's irrational to continue yearning for this guy after he's said he isn't available, then it's time to develop self-discipline and make yourself focus on other things: going out with friends, extra exercise or hobby activities, whatever. It is up to you how long you want to be miserable. If you continue to be miserable and not accept reality and move on, you must realize that is your choice and ask yourself what you are getting out of it. He's one guy in a world with a billion guys.
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