katielee Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 (edited) Hubby's Dad died last week - it was a tumultuous week for us and we supported each other. When we returned home from up north he was invited to a spring football game in the south by his weightlifting buddies - those buddies actually work with me. So he'll be gone next Thursday night - Sunday night - driving with them 12 hours each way - and although I want him to do this, and told him so. It'll be hard for me as we were apart last week for a while as well. I don't want him to resent me. I don't want to resent him. I have planned for a girlfriend and I to go to a spa! But, I've about had it with anxiety in my life, worrying about trust. It's healthy for him to go, right? We shouldn't have to stick around each other forever. Yet, I'll still worry and likely if he knows I'm out and about he will as well. But, what is the solution? Edited April 10, 2015 by katielee added a word
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Yes, its healthy for him to go. In the wake of his father's passing he needs to be with guys doing something life affirming. He's not going to cheat. He's simply going to remember that there is life. Everybody grieves the loss of a parent differently. All you can do is be there, how ever he wants / needs you. It's good that you built in a fun distraction for yourself. I am sorry for the loss of your FIL.
road Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Hubby's Dad died last week - it was a tumultuous week for us and we supported each other. When we returned home from up north he was invited to a spring football game in the south by his weightlifting buddies - those buddies actually work with me. So he'll be gone next Thursday night - Sunday night - driving with them 12 hours each way - and although I want him to do this, and told him so. It'll be hard for me as we were apart last week for a while as well. I don't want him to resent me. I don't want to resent him. I have planned for a girlfriend and I to go to a spa! But, I've about had it with anxiety in my life, worrying about trust. It's healthy for him to go, right? We shouldn't have to stick around each other forever. Yet, I'll still worry and likely if he knows I'm out and about he will as well. But, what is the solution? So? 10 carrots
aliveagain Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I just hate boy trips/girl trips, it's like taking separate holidays. As long as you have healthy boundaries in place and consequences for breaking them are understood, all should be good. It still won't stop your mind from going to the dark places, memories of past situations. This will be a test for both of you because when someone says spa to me I instantly think about some buff Scandinavian guy named Lars putting his firm oiled hands all over you. If I think that guess what your husband is thinking. This will be a test on the trust you've allowed to this point in your recovery because this isn't a going to see family thing, this is you allowing your former wayward spouse to go to another city with a bunch of guys. One step at a time.
Chasing_mya Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I think its healthy for couples to enjoy themselves with their friends. We are individuals, our spouses/partners are a part of our lives not our entire lives. Sometimes we need to do things separate from them and be able to trust the other enough to do that. Don't lose yourself and stop doing that. Don't lose your individuality and the things you love to do worried about him and what he's doing. If you have to go there, than you shouldn't be with him. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I'll still worry and likely if he knows I'm out and about he will as well. Worry about what?
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Worry about what? I had the same thought. those buddies actually work with me. Doesn't the presence of these guys provide some checks and balances? Mr. Lucky
Author katielee Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 I had the same thought. Doesn't the presence of these guys provide some checks and balances? Mr. Lucky worry about hanging with other women. Yes, it will provide SOME checks and balances. I'm sure they'll likely behave. I will never be 100% certain of anything or him again.
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 If there was infidelity in the past I think you can ask for certain assurances, like calls etc while he's gone.
Author katielee Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 If there was infidelity in the past I think you can ask for certain assurances, like calls etc while he's gone. yep will do. And I'll do the same... I'm just..... nervous - this is the first time anything like this has happened since the affairs.
d0nnivain Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 You gotta start somewhere, right? It's just scary. But either way you will know. He'll either be good or you will know that this will never work. It's better than limbo. 1
oldshirt Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Does he have a prior experience of cheating while away with the guys?
Author katielee Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Does he have a prior experience of cheating while away with the guys? not out of town. And not with these guys. but in our town on a guys night out... I will talk with him about my anxiety.
oldshirt Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 One thing you need to understand is guys going out somewhere is a completely different reality than for women going away somewhere. If a small group of women are having dinner somewhere other than a Burger King, they are going to get approached by men and will be offered drinks and will be offered to go somewhere with them to another location ie ultimately someone's house, hotel, more secluded bar etc etc. If a small group of guys go somewhere, they just sit there talking amongst themselves unmolested and not a soul approaches them. Unless these other guys are young, single, good looking ladies men that are always out chasing tail and picking up chicks, they are going to go to their game and do guy stuff and the chances are not a single female will even acknowledge their precence. If the other guys are players and skirt chasers and will be out hitting the bars every night, then there is a question of th appropriateness of a married man going along. But if they are just normal guys going on a guy trip, there is a good chance the only female even speaking to them is the chick working the drive through at Mcdonalds.
oldshirt Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 not out of town. And not with these guys. but in our town on a guys night out... I will talk with him about my anxiety. So he does have a history of cheating while out?
Author katielee Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 One thing you need to understand is guys going out somewhere is a completely different reality than for women going away somewhere. If a small group of women are having dinner somewhere other than a Burger King, they are going to get approached by men and will be offered drinks and will be offered to go somewhere with them to another location ie ultimately someone's house, hotel, more secluded bar etc etc. If a small group of guys go somewhere, they just sit there talking amongst themselves unmolested and not a soul approaches them. Unless these other guys are young, single, good looking ladies men that are always out chasing tail and picking up chicks, they are going to go to their game and do guy stuff and the chances are not a single female will even acknowledge their precence. If the other guys are players and skirt chasers and will be out hitting the bars every night, then there is a question of th appropriateness of a married man going along. But if they are just normal guys going on a guy trip, there is a good chance the only female even speaking to them is the chick working the drive through at Mcdonalds. this is good to hear. these guys are all married, religious men. they are good-looking for their age - 52 ish. they LOVE football. You know, I've been out with my friends a few times and we've NEVER been approached by a guy. We are above average in looks. Granted it's early when we go but I'm not sure this is how it is.
PegNosePete Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 worry about hanging with other women. So what you're saying is that you don't trust your husband? And rather than talking to him about your trust issues (whether justified or not), you've decided to go to a spa with a girlfriend?
Author katielee Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 I DID talk to him about it. We discussed how this is a new and scary thing for us. I do not trust him 100% - no, nor does he me... But we are surging ahead with our lives anyway. Otherwise, what do we do? Sit at home keeping an eye on each other? I dont' want that for him or myself. If he screws up I know where I am. And vice versa. I think this is a healthy approach.
minimariah Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I think this is a healthy approach. it is. keep communicating with him, let him do whatever he wants to do. no point in being upset, you know? IF something bad happens - you'll know what to do, you'll know where you two as a couple are and you'll do what you need to do. no point in getting nervous and upset in advance, when nothing didn't happen yet. 1
Author katielee Posted April 13, 2015 Author Posted April 13, 2015 it's not like we don't trust each other at all - but there is anxiety... I would say 90% trust. he expressed concern that I would be in a hotel room. And while I didn't cheat in a hotel room, I was sexually assaulted in one and he doesn't think I protected myself enough. that part is sad for me - that he thinks I perpetrated my own assault. It's something we need to come back to at some point. I'll be with my girlfriend this time.
minimariah Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 it's not like we don't trust each other at all - but there is anxiety... I would say 90% trust. and that's normal AND healthy. if you want my honest opinion - you can't ever trust someone completely because you never know what they'll do, how they'll change, what will happen in life. trusting someone 100% isn't healthy anyway - that kind of trust is unreal and irrational. you CAN trust someone with your heart and trust them that they will do the right thing... but you can also be aware of the fact that something bad CAN happen and that some sort of betrayal is a possiblity. it's like - you trust him, but you're preparared for the worst scenario. & yes, the assault thing? go back to it and deal with his victim-blaming. it's a problem, definitely.
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