Woman wants exclusivity, but refuses to label it a relationship( s?)

[Mr.BalloonHands]

I'll try to be brief;

 

I've been seeing this woman for the past two months or so in a romantic way, having been friends for the previous year. We've moved incredibly fast, to the point where we both have toothbrushes in each other's apartment. We ran into a dead end about 3 weeks in when she(let's call her S) got anxious about how fast we were moving and balked at my suggestion of exclusivity. After a week of separation and zero contact, she reached out to me, entirely apologetic. However, neither of us had any intention of restarting the "relationship." It simply happened as we started spending time together again, and it's been this way ever since. What was initially confusing to me was that she had been frightened by how fast we were moving, but proceeded to speed things up even further of her own volition. S then went even further, suggesting that we be exclusive as she really was into me and didn't want to see or hook up with others. She laid out her understanding of it; no hooking up, no physical connections with anyone else, not so much as a coffee date with a member of the opposite sex.

 

Now, this has continued this way for the rest of the two month period, and we behave as a couple would; we go on dates, spend a lot of time together, enjoy sleeping with each other. A little less relevant to myself,but still noticeable, is the fact that we are extremely sexually compatible; we have fantastic sex that is incredibly passionate. She's said I am the best she's ever had, and honestly agreed with her only because I thought it would be extremely disrespectful if she put herself out there and I didn't concur. In any case, the sex is passionate, but the "relationship" is even more so. I can honestly tell she's into me, and I'm quite into her, and feel a deep connection with her already. Although two months is not a lot of time, relatively, we've spent a lot of hours in these two months with each other, going, so to speak, at 100 MPH.

 

It all sounds promising, but my concern has been and still is the fact that she refuses to call it a relationship, and is afraid of doing so. Any time I bring it up, and try to talk about where this is going, she gets quiet and ends up saying "I don't know" more than anything else. When I finally accused her of holding off to give herself an out, she got incredibly upset to the point of tears. It wasn't anger, which I would have interpreted as defensive, but actual sadness, even disappointment with me that I could suggest it.

 

To finish up, the whole situation worries me. A little background for both of us; I haven't been in any type of serious relationship with a girl since my relationship of 8 years ended 3 years ago. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone with her for the first time since, and am quite insecure about the whole thing. I want things set in stone, while she is content to let it ride and "see what happens." On her side; she was in a two year relationship that was very much a romantic one, as she was very much in love with this man. After it ended, she got into another relationship with someone she didn't truly have a romantic "love" feeling for, and ended it this past September. One of the things she returns to is that she feels she just got out of a relationship and thinks it's too soon to get into another one, and I respect that. But...her actions are indicative of someone who is trying to be in a relationship and our mutual actions are indicative of a couple. I can't help but feel like there is something more to her reservations though. She had said after the last discussion a week ago that she cannot give me what I want, a relationship set in stone. With that, the smart and strong thing to do would be to step back and let her go, because it is what I want...but, I'm enjoying myself and her so much, and know that she is as well. I can't help but feel I should hold out, continue to put myself into this, and eventually it will happen, as it is essentially a relationship in every way but the label. I don't want it to end, and know she doesn't either. I'm very reluctant to use the word "love"; it is dangerous and meant to be real when said, and I don't know if I would mean it yet or if I'm simply caught up in the passion and intimacy of the relationship. I also don't want the pain and embarrassment of saying it and not receiving it in return. However, it is impossible to deny that I have deeper feelings for her than a simple fondness; she is very important to me, and I can see us being compatible for a long time. I'd like to let that develop, but am afraid of letting myself get too into it and too emotionally involved, just to have the rug pulled from beneath my feet; as t is technically not a relationship, and we are simply "exclusive" there is a lack of true commitment. It is just a label and a word, but it is much more difficult to end a relationship than to stop being exclusive.

 

In any case, I had said I wanted to be brief, and failed in doing so, but I wanted to get all of the information out there and get honest opinions, if anyone would be interested. I will be checking the post, and providing more information if necessary, and responding to questions asked, as I'd like to discuss this with people; I typically do not share such feelings or information, and am looking for a different perspective, as I feel that I am a little to biased and unable to be objective when examining my own actions.

 

Just in case...

 

TL;DR(Too Long, Didn't Read)--- I'm "with" a girl who wants to be exclusive, but will not commit to a relationship. We behave as if we were a couple, are both quite into it, and are at odds over the use of the label and what it means. I want it, she's afraid of it. I'm worried it's an escape clause, she claims it is because of past relationships that are getting further and further away. We are quite compatible, intimate, affectionate, and enjoy spending a lot of time with each other.

 

Thank you for your time

[PegNosePete]

Why are you so obsessed with labels? Just take it easy man. She is happy to have exclusivity so just take it from there. Putting a label on it doesn't change what you have.

[Toodaloo]

She sounds like she is bouncing from one relationship to the next.

 

While I doubt that she is doing anything untoward per se she has rushed things along and is now hankering on the brakes while still continuing to fast forward everything.

 

After a couple of months of dating and sleeping together you should be able to refer to her as your "partner".

 

I should back off if I were you and if she asks why just tell her that while you are not rushing into marriage and moving in you think that what is going on should be referred to as a relationship and you feel like she is keeping one toe out of the water "just in case". Its all you or nothing.

 

If she chooses nothing then walk away and end it.

[Mr.BalloonHands]

My apologies, failed to mention a potentially crucial point. I am about to graduate from a very good university and go directly into a high paying job; she is not into me because of this, and I was hired after we started dating. The issue is, she is a year younger, and will still be at college. I have the resources and willingness to visit her as much as she wants on weekends, and am less concerned about the LDR. She brought up the fact that I'm graduating as a reason for her reluctance to advance our relationship as a potential area of worry. This is also quite fair, and understandable. With that, I'm of the mind that if you really want it, you'll make it work. She is thinking more along the lines of enjoying the next two months we have and then, again, "seeing what happens". She also believes it is too soon in our relationship to be thinking that far ahead, and would rather not talk about it. This factors into my worry that I might get left high and dry having gotten even more into her and the relationship. Again, I'm still reluctant to end it, even recognizing I will get hurt if it ends badly. I consider it weak of me, but don't care enough to change my behavior; I still feel like I'd rather take the risk and continue enjoying the time we have than end it here and not have the time at all. I'm a better person when I'm with her, and not in the form of changing my true self; she brings out the best that is in me, and augments the good while making the bad seem relatively lesser. I'm not dependent on her for my happiness; she is an addition to the happiness I'm intrinsically having, something I feel is absolutely necessary in a healthy relationship. Again, I also see this as having potential to be a successful long term relationship, and don't want to go against my gut and prevent it from happening.

[Toodaloo]

Right then Mr B...

 

That changes things.

 

Chill out. That is her issue right there. Suggest you just tootle along and see how it pans out over the first few months of your new job.

 

You are both young. I hate to say it but you are both young and its unlikely that this will last anyway.

 

Your lass knows this.

 

Relax.

[Justanaverageguy]

Forcing her to label it and commit after 2 months when:

 

A) She knows that you are moving away

and

B) She probably has no idea what she will do in a years time when she finishes college

 

is definitely not the right move. It forces her to make a decision and commitment now when she has no idea about what the future holds. That means she will likely choose not to proceed because she does not want to hurt you. With an LDR so soon after getting together I think you need to go in with the expectation that in all likely hood it probably won't work out. Honestly the odds are against you. You can however proceed if you are willing to take that risk and accept when you move away things could end. You can then make the most of the time together now and just give it a shot and see what happens. No pressure, huge expectations or labels.

 

If you are concerned about getting too attached and struggling to deal with a break up down the line then maybe its best you don't proceed any further.

[Redhead14]

I'll try to be brief;

 

I've been seeing this woman for the past two months or so in a romantic way, having been friends for the previous year. We've moved incredibly fast, to the point where we both have toothbrushes in each other's apartment. We ran into a dead end about 3 weeks in when she(let's call her S) got anxious about how fast we were moving and balked at my suggestion of exclusivity. After a week of separation and zero contact, she reached out to me, entirely apologetic. However, neither of us had any intention of restarting the "relationship." It simply happened as we started spending time together again, and it's been this way ever since. What was initially confusing to me was that she had been frightened by how fast we were moving, but proceeded to speed things up even further of her own volition. S then went even further, suggesting that we be exclusive as she really was into me and didn't want to see or hook up with others. She laid out her understanding of it; no hooking up, no physical connections with anyone else, not so much as a coffee date with a member of the opposite sex.

 

Now, this has continued this way for the rest of the two month period, and we behave as a couple would; we go on dates, spend a lot of time together, enjoy sleeping with each other. A little less relevant to myself,but still noticeable, is the fact that we are extremely sexually compatible; we have fantastic sex that is incredibly passionate. She's said I am the best she's ever had, and honestly agreed with her only because I thought it would be extremely disrespectful if she put herself out there and I didn't concur. In any case, the sex is passionate, but the "relationship" is even more so. I can honestly tell she's into me, and I'm quite into her, and feel a deep connection with her already. Although two months is not a lot of time, relatively, we've spent a lot of hours in these two months with each other, going, so to speak, at 100 MPH.

 

It all sounds promising, but my concern has been and still is the fact that she refuses to call it a relationship, and is afraid of doing so. Any time I bring it up, and try to talk about where this is going, she gets quiet and ends up saying "I don't know" more than anything else. When I finally accused her of holding off to give herself an out, she got incredibly upset to the point of tears. It wasn't anger, which I would have interpreted as defensive, but actual sadness, even disappointment with me that I could suggest it.

 

To finish up, the whole situation worries me. A little background for both of us; I haven't been in any type of serious relationship with a girl since my relationship of 8 years ended 3 years ago. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone with her for the first time since, and am quite insecure about the whole thing. I want things set in stone, while she is content to let it ride and "see what happens." On her side; she was in a two year relationship that was very much a romantic one, as she was very much in love with this man. After it ended, she got into another relationship with someone she didn't truly have a romantic "love" feeling for, and ended it this past September. One of the things she returns to is that she feels she just got out of a relationship and thinks it's too soon to get into another one, and I respect that. But...her actions are indicative of someone who is trying to be in a relationship and our mutual actions are indicative of a couple. I can't help but feel like there is something more to her reservations though. She had said after the last discussion a week ago that she cannot give me what I want, a relationship set in stone. With that, the smart and strong thing to do would be to step back and let her go, because it is what I want...but, I'm enjoying myself and her so much, and know that she is as well. I can't help but feel I should hold out, continue to put myself into this, and eventually it will happen, as it is essentially a relationship in every way but the label. I don't want it to end, and know she doesn't either. I'm very reluctant to use the word "love"; it is dangerous and meant to be real when said, and I don't know if I would mean it yet or if I'm simply caught up in the passion and intimacy of the relationship. I also don't want the pain and embarrassment of saying it and not receiving it in return. However, it is impossible to deny that I have deeper feelings for her than a simple fondness; she is very important to me, and I can see us being compatible for a long time. I'd like to let that develop, but am afraid of letting myself get too into it and too emotionally involved, just to have the rug pulled from beneath my feet; as t is technically not a relationship, and we are simply "exclusive" there is a lack of true commitment. It is just a label and a word, but it is much more difficult to end a relationship than to stop being exclusive.

 

In any case, I had said I wanted to be brief, and failed in doing so, but I wanted to get all of the information out there and get honest opinions, if anyone would be interested. I will be checking the post, and providing more information if necessary, and responding to questions asked, as I'd like to discuss this with people; I typically do not share such feelings or information, and am looking for a different perspective, as I feel that I am a little to biased and unable to be objective when examining my own actions.

 

Just in case...

 

TL;DR(Too Long, Didn't Read)--- I'm "with" a girl who wants to be exclusive, but will not commit to a relationship. We behave as if we were a couple, are both quite into it, and are at odds over the use of the label and what it means. I want it, she's afraid of it. I'm worried it's an escape clause, she claims it is because of past relationships that are getting further and further away. We are quite compatible, intimate, affectionate, and enjoy spending a lot of time with each other.

 

Thank you for your time

 

Some people date in stages as a way of managing emotions and expectations. For some, exclusivity is simply the next stage after casually dating someone and usually when intimacy happens. This is the stage before a truly committed relationship, boyfriend and girlfriend. It is the stage where two people are focusing on that one person, usually not dating others or at least not being intimate with others (and this is another aspect that needs to be addressed upfront) and further evaluating compatibility.

It is another stage in developing a relationship.

 

The important part is that both people are on the same page. She seems to feel that exclusivity does not make it a "relationship" as in boyfriend/girlfriend. You apparently feel that it is.

 

Does she intend to simply date others without intimacy for a little while while she is sexually exclusive with you? That is not really the way to go about it, nevertheless, some people do that.

 

Things were/are moving very quickly and I can understand her hesitancy to commit to anything long term yet. You two haven't spent enough time to make a decision like that. She is managing emotions and expectations to minimize the potential for being hurt or hurting you. She is more or less re-setting the pace.

 

In the end though, she is at least being exclusive with you, just enjoy the time with her, be relaxed while evaluating your compatibility and thinking about whether you two can/will move to the next level. Don't bring up the status again for a while. When she seems more comfortable with things, you can visit it again.

 

As for having an "escape clause", that's an unfair characterization of being in exclusivity as a stage of dating. At each stage of dating and evaluating both people need to keep in mind that as you are getting to know each other there may be things that come along that make one or the other realize that they aren't really good for each other especially early on. And, I will say this, if you push this on her, she will retreat. Pushing it will make her feel a little trapped and smothered.

Edited April 10, 2015 by Redhead14

[Erised]

I can't say whether it will reach anything, but I can say if you pressure pr push her at this stage you'll have nothing.

[Gary S]

One of the things she returns to is that she feels she just got out of a relationship and thinks it's too soon to get into another one,

 

- This suggests she could be on the rebound. People on the rebound can be flaky, never fall for you completely, and can dump you without a moment's notice.

[introverted1]

 

Chill out. That is her issue right there. Suggest you just tootle along and see how it pans out over the first few months of your new job.

 

 

This.

 

It's reasonable of her to be unsure about what your new job and move with bring. She may think you won't be interested once she is not in proximity.

 

I don't get a rebound vibe, perhaps because it appears she had 5 months between her last r/s and you. Time will tell.

[SawtoothMars]

I'm not dependent on her for my happiness; she is an addition to the happiness I'm intrinsically having, something I feel is absolutely necessary in a healthy relationship. Again, I also see this as having potential to be a successful long term relationship, and don't want to go against my gut and prevent it from happening.

 

This is a tough one, because I'm not really into labels myself. However, I'm much less into women who are non-committal.

 

There are two parts to the label of BF and GF. The first part is between the two of you. It denotes exclusivity and says that you are dating with a future potential for marriage. Some people want to move this slowly because it often requires meeting parents and many other kinds of entanglements.

 

The second part is between the two of you and the rest of the world. Refusing that label states to every guy she meets while you are not around that she is SINGLE. I believe this is the part that's bothering you. If she isn't willing to say to other men that she is officially off the market then... what's the point?

 

So... I guess you have to ask yourself if you are willing to take that. She is basically saying she wants "exclusivity" but doesn't want the men around her to know about it. Think about how dating works. How frequently do you have women chasing you around without you coming onto them first? It isn't common. How often is she going to have guys hitting on her and knocking down her door... especially in college? Frequently!

 

What I'm driving at is that this arrangement allows her to play the field and seek out other options, but ties your hands. I personally wouldn't go into a LDR with this kind of deal. I would be very clear that if she can't wear some kind of ring and tell people that she isn't available... then she isn't being exclusive! I don't really care what "label" you use for that.

[fitnessfan365]

It sounds like you need validation because you're insecure.

 

Makes me wonder if you're into her, or the idea of having a GF. If you're into her for who she is, you'd have no issue letting her get there on her own time frame. As you say, it's only been two months. If a woman is saying you're her best lay, and you two love seeing each other in general, that should be enough. You know she's only seeing you, so trust the process and be more secure.