Author lisbon67 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 "You are just going to have to muck your way through it. There is no magic pill, no getting over it easily. When women cheat, they cheat in spectacular fashion, and they are cold as ice when they do it. Amazes me how cruel they can be." Lifewasted. ...this is SO true but today for example I feel worse than even Dday 5 weeks ago...bad days and terrible days...but NO real good days...I wish so much there was a magic pill to take...I feel constantly sick in the pit of my stomach and my heads going to explode with racing thoughts. ... BetrayedH. ...thanks for accepting my application into the club no one wants to join. ..!! I wouldn't recommend this club to any man though... and thanks for your great advice as always....sounds like you really have gobe through the mill do and probably still are..though you're further down the road than me... I think I'm getting MORE Sad as the official divorce is only 2 weeks away now... I should really be GLAD to get rid of the cheater and be divorced. .. Probably just the fear factor creeping up on me again. .. but I need to push through the divorce she still lying to me about the A...and I know I coukd never possibly trust her again....
truncated Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 If having trouble sleeping is an issue for , you might want to give melatonin a try. It's a natural product, and helps people with issues in their sleep cycle. It won't make you fall asleep, but it will help you become drowsy and fall asleep more easily and get a good quality of sleep. As I'm sure you already know, inadequate sleep can make things feel even worse when you already feel like cr@p. 1
beatcuff Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 you do this: Not eating properly, not exercising an going to gym...used to be 2 or 3 times per week, definitely drinking far too much...probably every day in last 5 weeks... so why are you surprised that the result is this: my face looks thinner...I look sadder than usual...I appear distant to people...and some even remarked on it...my big sister says I look 'drawn'... ....Now I feel I don't look the same the key to the 180 is to kick start you to moving forward. the first result is feeling better about yourself. so ease up on the drinking and instead of 'just the gym' join a TEAM sport. the problem with the gym is it solitary. so mind wanders and you settle on..... a team sport requires you to tune in. you leave your worries behind if only for that hour. then 'hang' with team afterwards. many go to a bar for drink (ok tough one but i used to order a coke and beer, then drink both). it gets you back socializing and what a better way than with persons with a similar interest. your journey is just starting but it will start once you decide too. 2
elaine567 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Two weeks I mean.... ...Noxemal. ..is it only available in US..? Amazon- Noxzema - http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B0074HMXNO/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?ie=UTF8&psc=1&smid=A9HW7MP7WI6UQ 1
2.50 a gallon Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 (edited) Everything you are experiencing is normal. We all lived through it. The sudden extreme loss of weight is known as the infidelity diet. With time you will get over this, regain the weight, and once again smile and laugh, just by truly smiling your looks will greatly improve. One of my biggest problems was that at first I was obsessed with thinking about her and what we had lost. The idea was to find activities that got my mind off of her. Then to turn them precious moments into minutes, hours and days. I got back into my long neglected hobbies. I tried and failed at raising orchids. But I did succeed at raising and breeding, hard to breed tropical fish. Getting the right water conditions, the right foods, the right spawning environment all took time. Then once I was successful, raising the fry took more time, fry need special small, almost microscopic foods, called cultures. I also began to prepare myself for getting back into the dating scene. I was already a decent cook, but decided to teach myself how to cook some gourmet dishes. This turned out to be a win - win - win activity. They took longer and more thought to cook, more time not thinking of her, I was then rewarded with a fantastically delicious meal, and when I once again began dating, it proved to be a great hit. If you can imagine, a good looking 30 year old, almost inviting themselves over for a meal, then thoughtfully bringing a bottle of wine to share. Many a meal ended the next morning when I served them breakfast in bed. All of this took place well over 30 years ago. A couple of years back I Googled the Ex and found a photo. The years have been hard on her. She is easily pushing over 200 pounds. While for the past 20 years I have been sharing my life with the most giving, caring, loving woman I have ever met. And to sweeten the pot, even though she is a grandma to a 20 year old, she still has an hour glass figure, and a flat stomach. Total eye candy And yes, guess who does all of the cooking? That was one of the reasons I won her over. But it is only fair as she faithfully does all of my laundry and neatly folds and puts it away. Edited April 11, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 good onya 250....More power to your elbows. . cheffing I mean I hope I can do the same...just so difficult. ...
beach Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Alcohol is a depressant. Can you stay away from it completely? At least for a few months? Start eating better and exercising. Get so tired you don't have time to think before laying down at night. Do you work? 1
Lion Heart Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Lisbon, btw no offense taken about your comments about females. I just replace the gender and it's true for me about my WH x 2 etc. You are completely normal. Don't worry about that too! The decisions you make are ALL within your power even now. Even when you think they aren't, you know they are. Listen to everyone. They know. I know. It's absolutely F***ing horrible. So the question is what do you do now? You deal. We can help but it's YOU that has to DO everything you can to deal. One MAJOR motivation for me is "This thing of a person is NOT gonna define my life from this moment on. I DEFINE MY LIFE. No one else ME. It's my God given right and I'm taking it now." Take control of aa much as you can NOW. MOVE THE WW OUT. She lost her rights to your life & your house. She's overstayed her welcome. She's gotta go and you've got to move her. No more free rent. Gone. I was drunk for a month after my D Day. Oh yeah I've been tempted but I don't want alcoholism to be another thing for ME to deal with. Be kind to yourself and only drink a little in company. Good company! Absolutely well and truly get new clothes. The facials. A fake tan and fake nails did it for me but whatever flicks your switches! GET OUT MORE. Start preparing yourself for a very adventurous new life. MAKE PLANS AND STICK WITH THEM. You won't feel like doing 90% of what you plan. Do it anyway! For yourself! Humorously: you're depriving SO MANY really decent women out there of a really great guy! Stop wallowing over an unworthy woman and get yourself ready for a REALLY worthy one! Not desperate ones. Worthy ones. Take your time with that cause you're holding the flood gates back man! Lion Heart. 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 GET OUT MORE. Start preparing yourself for a very adventurous new life. MAKE PLANS AND STICK WITH THEM. You won't feel like doing 90% of what you plan. Do it anyway! For yourself! Humorously: you're depriving SO MANY really decent women out there of a really great guy! Stop wallowing over an unworthy woman and get yourself ready for a REALLY worthy one! Not desperate ones. Worthy ones. Take your time with that cause you're holding the flood gates back man! Lion Heart." ....I really appreciate your very valued support and advice LH....I know exactly what you are saying. .. I have to start doing all these things NOW...not keep putting them off...I didn't intend having a drink yesterday at all....then found myself obsessing about yet another A of her affair....then went to pub for a drink... then came home and drank some more...with WW by the way for first time in ages....but we were weren't really talking....because I'm still.trying to do the 180. ...and resisting the temptation to ask all the questions about the A...that I'm bursting to... At the time of her A...I'm convinced she was a very devious and conniving narcissist.... she got a real buzz out of having two men on the go and one time...and she also liked the fact that she had the 'caring' one ie me...in the home...and the real excitement one she was also stringing along was her A partner..... I'm finding it very hard these last few days...actually. ..strangely. ...worse than the earlier days... But I feel your support LH and it is helping me in this...you went...are going....through it yourself...and you're taking time to offer very kind and supportive words..... 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Thanks. .. I've only been drinking since Dday 5 weeks ago....but it has been bingeing to be honest...Every night for past 5 weeks. ..I used to drink only at weekend and maybe couple of drinks one night during the week....but not heavily as driving and working the next day.... I'm currently on long term sick leave from my work as a teacher. .. It's just blocking the pain of being 'dripped ' detail off WW s A...on a daily basis....but I do.know it's wrong and has to stop... 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 One MAJOR motivation for me is "This thing of a person is NOT gonna define my life from this moment on. I DEFINE MY LIFE. No one else ME. It's my God given right and I'm taking it now."... extremely helpful this....copied to my phone memo to read daily...LH 1
Trimmer Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I am trying to do the 180 that BetrayedH told me about and gave me all the points of it...I printed off the 33 'rules' and keep them in my jacket... However. ..how can it be possible to practice the 180 to my WW....we are still living in the same house....while also avoiding the 'debilitating depression ' that LH warned can be a consequence. Surely the 180 and anger cannot be compatible? So ..I can't win really...rock and a hard place...?? You're getting good advice above, but I want to point out one important thing about your bolded statement above. In many cases, "The 180" is presented to folks who are in the early stages of distress and are still hoping to affect their partner, in essence by avoiding pleading and needling, and instead, by becoming the best person - the best individual - they can be. That's why it's good advice for people who are hoping to keep a partner - because it helps you build yourself back into a strong and independent individual, and that can be attractive to a partner who just needs a kick in the butt to "wake up." In your case, if you are already divorcing, and it is to become final soon, your situation is not so much that you are doing the 180 to try to affect your ex-Wife. However, that doesn't mean the 180 doesn't apply to you, because the 180 is still a marvelous set of guidelines for turning your life around, helping you move your vision toward the future, and getting your @zz out of bed and doing productive things for yourself each day, instead of continuing to spiral downward. So my point: don't look at the 180 as something you implement "to your WW", but instead, consider it a set of guidelines that are very much independent of any consideration of her. This is a set of guidelines for you, to help you move forward and keep your head up, to help get you healthy and strong and feeling like you are living for yourself again. For now, maybe you need to just fake it: do the stuff, even if maybe your heart isn't yet in it 100%. But the behaviors are still positive and productive behaviors for you, even if you are feeling crappy, and gradually, they will help you start to turn your vision forward, into what is coming next in your life, instead of being tied down and held back to your past (which is what the alcohol consumption is doing, incidentally...) 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Brilliantly written and explained Trimmer.... I was hoping someone would answer that question of my last post...so its really better for me to keep trying at the 180 for my own sake and the future. .. any 'healthy ' anger will just have to take a back seat in my approach then.... when I get angry...she gets angry...it escalates. ...then I just feel very unwell for rest of day anyway... How does alcohol specifically make you hold on to the past as well btw ??? ... 1
elaine567 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 At the time of her A...I'm convinced she was a very devious and conniving narcissist.... she got a real buzz out of having two men on the go and one time...and she also liked the fact that she had the 'caring' one ie me...in the home...and the real excitement one she was also stringing along was her A partner..... I don't know if labelling your wife will help you, it might, but I have gone down the labelling route and it all actually points back to me and what am I going to do about it. It is immaterial what sort of person he is, his personality type, his personality disorder(s). I spend no time dissecting him and analysing his behaviour now, there is no point. I spent far too much time worrying about what he was all about. I am the one that has to deal with MY feelings, it doesn't matter what label I put on him, I have to live MY life and I have to make MY life happy here on in. 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Yeah..you're right Elaine. .. spending far too much time dissecting and TRYING to analyse her and WHY she conducted it for 3 decieving months. ..as far as I know...coukd be longer. .. As LH says I need now to think ONLY about my own recovery and health...and future... She still.won't tell me the details or logistics and WHY she did it....she still calls him now an 'ogre'... I think I ll stop even trying to get the truth out of her....its not helping me... I think it was BetrayedH. ..who said to me...he just went down to beach. ..threw hos ring into the sea...stood up and walked forward. ..and never looked back again.... I need to follow this 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Lionheart I'm still not out of the woods yet..Not by long shot. But I want to hand deliver a big bunch of flowers and box of chocolates to you...will be dear taxi from Australia. ..! When I do eventually. ..get some salvation. ..you will have helped enormously to get me there 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 I am the one that has to deal with MY feelings, it doesn't matter what label I put on him, I have to live MY life and I have to make MY life happy here on in.... Yep....ABSOLUTELY !! 1
Lion Heart Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Lionheart I'm still not out of the woods yet..Not by long shot. But I want to hand deliver a big bunch of flowers and box of chocolates to you...will be dear taxi from Australia. ..! When I do eventually. ..get some salvation. ..you will have helped enormously to get me there Dear lisbon, Thankyou but the biggest gift you could give me is to get yourself out of this mire. TBH I've pondered and read this thread, OPs responses and especially yours. I'm just gonna throw my ideas at you. Catch what fits and do the others anyway! I don't know any people who have gone through this type of marriage breakdown without ALOT of help. Pride isn't a useful quality to have right now. It happens to the best of us. Can you get IC? Your aim could be CLARITY. Plus Getting back to work & dealing with your panic attacks. These can be dealt with but get on top of these before they become too much of an auto - response to anything re-WW. You've got leave from work which is a good thing for now. As my psych friend said to me about 5 x (because it took this many times for it to sink in). "Lion Heart, you know your craft inside and out. You can do your job with your eyes closed. You are competent and your knowledge and skills in your profession are completely unrelated to your personal life." You will have to psych yourself up in preparation to return to work. I gave myself 2 weeks totally sober b4 returning to work. This alone gave me somewhat of a "timeline". I had some pretty horrible panic attacks but I told a handful of people at work about WH A and asked them to tell the whole staff of 50+. I just needed them to know in case I couldn't hold it together. And them knowing HELPED me hold it together. The thing that pi$$es me off is when people say how great I look now. What my new facade? New clothes, new hair, fake tan & bl**dy inconvenient false nails? Shallow cosmetics to mask the completely cracked interior. I just say "thank you". In 2 days 2 of my best friends will see me for the 1st time in months. They'll be horrified. They live 4h from me. I know the continuous string of TT from your WW and your mind connecting the dots is serving as mini additional D Days. The way I handled this was to write EVERYTHING down. For some reason, for me, when it's down on paper it leaves my mind faster. And I cried. I don't think I've cried more over anything in my life before. Letting it all out is part of the grieving process. I've only used the notes once or twice to catch WH out - soooo fun. That's not your use for them. You can have a ritual burning later if you want. I'm keeping mine, just in case I've got any legal bs to deal with later. I'm not really qualified to say exactly what alcohol does in such situations. For me the plusses were: it helped numb the pain, helped me sleep - sorta / kinda / maybe not. Just "took me away". Good & bad effects: I think it delayed my grieving. Bad: REALLY amplified my anger. Accentuated all my negative emotions. After 4w I just had to stop cold turkey. Then man, the headaches started! They're still happening. Whether it's from crying, the stress of now or the buzzing thoughts about the A & everything since, I don't know but I'm using the mildest pain relief and less each week. As hard and out of this world as an attainable goal. Practising mindfulness has been a lifesaver. I also love to work hard physically. I only work at about 30-50% capacity right now but I don't care. I'm back in the garden, renovating the house and moving furniture etc. Doing recreational stuff not even half hearted but I keep my promises so I promise kids, friends, family. Sometimes they're a little shocked at my state of mind. But they love me. I need company with people who love me. Betrayal can leave a person feeling so incredibly unloved. But it's not true. So many people have loved us since birth and if we get our sh** together more will. Just remember this crap is really all about them. Keep posting, your mates are here too Lion Heart. 1
No Limit Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 In my experience the physical damage doesn't last. I lost a lot of weight during the 2 years I was psycho-bullied, my hair fell out, I even lost weight in my face (my cheekbones were clearly visible) and I had unusual results regarding my blood and urine tests which no doctor found a reason for because I seemed overall healthy. The depression and amount of stress did cost me my vermiform appendix, but other than that I'm fine today. Even better, I didn't do sports before all of that fuss. 2
beach Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Thanks. .. I've only been drinking since Dday 5 weeks ago....but it has been bingeing to be honest...Every night for past 5 weeks. ..I used to drink only at weekend and maybe couple of drinks one night during the week....but not heavily as driving and working the next day.... I'm currently on long term sick leave from my work as a teacher. .. It's just blocking the pain of being 'dripped ' detail off WW s A...on a daily basis....but I do.know it's wrong and has to stop... This explains more of why you are drinking. But it doesn't answer my question... Can you STOP drinking? Are you seeing a counselor to talk through your negative feelings? 2
truncated Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 It may be too much to deal with all at once. Some people find it better to sort of put it in a box, take it put and deal with their pain, anger and frustration a little bit at a time. That way, they don't wear themselves down all of the time. 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 LH. .. have read. ..twice but will get back to you soon as poss.. everything rings true on first reading of your advice and anecdotal. ....but will digest some more..will give my thoughts very soon ...x
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