lisbon67 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 My WW and I are divorcing. We got a letter confirming the official date of 23 rd April when we are officially divorced. ..The Decree Absolute ( we are doing a 'quickie' divorce under Scottish Law...whole thing takes about 6 weeks only.... Many good friends on here L'S responded to my previous thread with some brill advice and motivation... OK ..What I now want to ask ..Is.. Dday for me was just 5 weeks ago...I think was around March 3rd 2015... But for past 5 weeks I have been pretty ill really...Both mentally and physically. Not eating properly, not exercising an going to gym...used to be 2 or 3 times per week, definitely drinking far too much...probably every day in last 5 weeks...previously I had 4 or 5 completely alcohol fee days...also constant worrying...Some panic attacks where I think I'm going to kick the bucket. I look in the mirror now and I can see the changes in only 5 disastrous weeks... my face looks thinner...I look sadder than usual...I appear distant to people...and some even remarked on it... my big sister says I look 'drawn'... Surely this is not fair either for the B'S. ..I am only 50 years old...but she apart from the affair has reduced my chances of getting another partner...is there any limit to what these WW can do to a man to destroy him?? I look at our photos when we were married in 2003...and I was quite a good looking tall scotsman in a kilt....Now I feel I don't look the same...and SHE has reduced the pool I can now dip into in the future (apart from my being 12 years older now of course than in 2003 ...
Author lisbon67 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 ...meant to say...my sleep is all over the place...turning night into day...sitting awake all night thinking....sleeping during day sometimes...needing to drink to even get to sleep... I am NOT alcoholic btw....but my WW is...!
Author lisbon67 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Another thing... Lionheart and some others have explained in some detail that anger is completely normal for me the B'S. ...that Depression is just repressed anger etc etc...and it is therefore more healthy to just get the anger out.... Well have been depressed and probably am now as well...but haven't really got really angry much... I am trying to do the 180 that BetrayedH told me about and gave me all the points of it...I printed off the 33 'rules' and keep them in my jacket... However. ..how can it be possible to practice the 180 to my WW....we are still living in the same house....while also avoiding the 'debilitating depression ' that LH warned can be a consequence. Surely the 180 and anger cannot be compatible? So ..I can't win really...rock and a hard place...??
elaine567 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 You are still living with the woman who caused you so much pain and the stress will be unbearable. That and your choice of unhealthy behaviours re food and alcohol and sleep, will be etched on your face. However the changes you see in your appearance are not irreversible, please get your own place, look after YOU, increase your exercise and surround yourself with positive people as much as you can. Limit your alcohol intake, you are self medicating and that will not help you any. Alcohol is a depressant, it actually makes you feel worse and it also interferes with sleep patterns, hence why you are all over the place sleep wise. Lack of sleep has its own effect on your mental well being. 4
autumnnight Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 We know that depression can cause physical symptoms. Being betrayed certainly can as well. Lack of sleep, fatigue, crying, emotional upheaval, weight loss, weight gain...all those things "show" on us after awhile. The good news is that Elaine is right. While we can't control our cheating partner or even our own grief process, we can control our habits. Keep a static bedtime and wake time, even if you can't sleep. Eat well, avoid depression binging. At least try to walk every day. Exercise helps depression. You will slowly get back to yourself eventually. But try to be good to yourself, and surround yourself with as much support as possible. 4
LifeWasted Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 The feelings you are experiencing are totally normal. I've been drinking too much too. Its not good. I'm going through the same thing you are. Working out helps. I've been lifting weights every other night and burning those muscles seems to help with the stress. I walk every day too and that is a good way to burn off anxiety and get out of the house. You are just going to have to muck your way through it. There is no magic pill, no getting over it easily. When women cheat, they cheat in spectacular fashion, and they are cold as ice when they do it. Amazes me how cruel they can be. 4
DKT3 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I was the opposite, worked out more and harder, went out and got new clothes even started getting facials. Looking back I was subconsciously grooming myself for the single life prior to being divorced. OP, you are aware of what your doing, so the question isn't what will a WW do to you, but what will you do for yourself. She cheated on you the rest your doing to yourself. Not finding anyone else is nonsense, 50, 60 or 100 you can and will attract women once you stop feeling sorry for yourself. 3
BetrayedH Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. I lost 38lbs in six month (25 of them went in the first month). I couldn't eat. I had to make up stories to friends and family about my new weight-loss efforts. It was ridiculous. I lost sleep something horrible. Couldn't get to sleep. Woke up frequently. I had racing thoughts, constantly analyzing it all. Went to bed thinking about it; woke up thinking about it. I only got a couple hours of sleep each night. It was gawd-awful. As others have said, though, those early days do come to an end. My hope for you is that they actually end a little earlier than they do for most because you can process such a quick divorce. I'm sure her still living there isn't helping. As I recall, you're working on that. Keep at it. You need to start your second life and her presence is delaying it. Certainly, the 180 isn't a miracle solution because the point is for you to detach from her and that's tough with her in your presence. Just keep moving in the right direction. The reality is that this will continue to affect you emotionally and physically as long as you allow it to. Some of it is out of your control but really, you're the only one with any control. Eventually you will decide you've had enough of punishing yourself and living in the past and you'll want to look forward. How fast you get there is really up to you. My view is that this crap is all on her. She has taken enough years from you already. Don't give her so much as one more day. 4
truncated Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 A situation like the one you are in could overwhelm anyone, and sometimes, it can all be too much. There is a condition called adjustment disorder ( Adjustment disorders - Mayo Clinic) that can sometimes happen when one has been under too much stress. People coping with it tend not to eat well, have issues with their sleep patterns, withdraw form others, have panic attacks and can even self harm. The good news is that it is highly treatable through talk therapy and sometimes medication to help control the symptoms initially. Usually, these are only needed in the short term. When you think about it, it's no wonder coping with infidelity can cause so much havoc on a bs. You've just been through a terrible time, and it's an ongoing process. 2
LifeWasted Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 If you can afford it, go get a nice new set of clothes, a stylish haircut, and start going out on Friday and Saturday nights. Make sure you look good. This is the part of the 180 system that I like...the self improvement part. 3
dreamingoftigers Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I look like I have aged ten years in the last five.... 1
BetrayedH Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 A situation like the one you are in could overwhelm anyone, and sometimes, it can all be too much. There is a condition called adjustment disorder ( Adjustment disorders - Mayo Clinic) that can sometimes happen when one has been under too much stress. People coping with it tend not to eat well, have issues with their sleep patterns, withdraw form others, have panic attacks and can even self harm. The good news is that it is highly treatable through talk therapy and sometimes medication to help control the symptoms initially. Usually, these are only needed in the short term. When you think about it, it's no wonder coping with infidelity can cause so much havoc on a bs. You've just been through a terrible time, and it's an ongoing process. Interesting read. I had three different therapists indicate that I had symptoms of PTSD. But, they were psychologists/licensed therapists and not psychotherapists so I never got an official diagnosis or treatment. Well, my MD did put me on some antidepressants but they were worthless. From my reading, they're basically matched by a placebo effect and since I was already skeptical of their efficacy, I felt no relief. This is the first I've heard of adjustment disorder but it seems to fit the bill. 2
scatterd Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I feel for you I am also in the house with my soon to be ex husband of22 years. It has been horrible and depressing and he is loving doing this to me.We have come to an agreement and this should be the start of getting him out. I do not think it is possible to heal with them in the house. I would try to get away from her for piece of mind.Good luck and big hugs 3
HurtOfGlass Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 You need to go to the doctor for ur lack of appetite and sleep, ASAP 1
ladydesigner Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 It's the one thing my WH has taken from me in all this. I used to be really happy, worked out 3 days a week, took the kids to activities, etc. I am none of those things now. I have no desire to better myself, it's really awful. I just got back on AD's again so am hoping it will help. It's just been surviving basically for me for the last 3 years. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 It's just been surviving basically for me for the last 3 years. I think initially, survival is a reasonable goal. Somehow you've got to just get through those early days and if alcohol numbs some of that pain then it probably serves a purpose. Anger is one of the first of the commonly cited grief stages and it takes a toll. The question is how long you stay stuck in that toxicity since a 10-day bender/pity party is obviously different than a 10-month one. Moving forward, if you take the right steps appetite returns, color comes back and sleep is possible. I'll echo what others have said, physical and emotional separation from the STBX helps... Mr. Lucky 1
LifeWasted Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Oh I almost forgot! Noxema! Wash your face with Noxema everynight before you go to bed. Makes your facial skin smooth as a baby's and helps keep those worry lines away! I used to surf and all the surf guys used Noxema to keep their faces from looking so windblown. No I'm not kidding. 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 some brill comments and advice folks.... this morning I'm up at 530 am...UK time This is normal. ..in fact quite a good time for me....sometimes in past 5 weeks I've been up out of bed at 3am...then going back to bed at 9am....I know it's not good and not a healthy sleeping pattern. .. I agree with what you all advised. ..that I can't undo her affair. ...so I need to not allow her to take any more of my life...she took almost 12 years already. ...and 11 years of these were AFTER her affair....so we're one big Lie....Tho she only gave confirmation 5 weeks ago....and dripping SOME details during these 5 weeks.... I had planned a nice day for myself yesterday. ...then ANOTHER thing occurred to me about her A. Despite my desperately trying to keep to the 180....I asked her about it...it was bugging me so much....and YES she confirmed that it was true... this happens to me every day and its a nightmare. ..! Ie...something else pops into my mind about what she was doing at the time of her A...how she went about the logistics of it....never thought about it at the time....but I know now how 'clever' she and her affair partner were with the logistics. ...so devious! ! Anyway. ..after getting this other piece of the A confirmed by her yesterday....I ended up having a terrible day....and night... would normally never buy drink during the day....but went to shop and got half bottle of whisky and sat and drank it alone at kitchen table then watched some TV and went to bed early. .. I totally accept that only I can get back to healthy living habits...no one else can do that for me... I need to eat better, sleep better,go back to exercise etc...she has done enough damage already....I have bought her a plane ticket to fly to Kiev this Tuesday 15th....but is only for weeks. ..but by the time she returns we will already be divorced. ..its official on 23rd April. .. I told her she can come back her to get all her clothes and stuff...but that I dont want her staying over ...AT ALL... thanks for all kind advice and when she's gone I agree with you all....the healing process will...hopefully. ..speed up for me.... And btw....Can I get that facewash in Scotland. ..?? 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 Two weeks I mean.... ...Noxemal. ..is it only available in US..?
Author lisbon67 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 It's the one thing my WH has taken from me in all this. I used to be really happy, worked out 3 days a week, took the kids to activities, etc. I am none of those things now. I have no desire to better myself, it's really awful. I just got back on AD's again so am hoping it will help. It's just been surviving basically for me for the last 3 years. I agree wholeheartedly. ...it feels like just a game of very SURVIVAL each day....how to get through the day... I have two kids...grown up...my daughter has her own flat...and my son stays mostly with his mum...my first wife in a nearby town.... normally my son comes and stays over with us on a Tuesday and a Sunday and has Sunday dinner with us. For past two weeks I have texted him and asked him 'can you leave coming today' son...then made up some excuse. ...but it's just because I wasn't feeling well at all and the terrible strained atmosphere in this house just now. It's really not fair on my son..he's just turned 22....and I feel AWFUL when I have to tell him.not to come here to my...His. ...home.... 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 Mr Lucky Yep...its been a full 5 week bender...pity party too...yes I can't obviously keep this up...and certainly not for 10 months... its not helping that I am drinking more than I ever used to... because my wife has had a quite severe alcohol problem for at least years now...and I'm concerned that I coukd be falling into the same trap as her just now... I sometimes wonder if her drinking over the years and her oft threats of self harm etc...coukd be due to not unloading the burden of her A (until 5 weeks ago).... But then again...I doubt it... I've been reading...just yesterday actually. .about female narcissism. ...and I was actually SHOCKED how much she perfectly fits the bill....!!
Author lisbon67 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 A personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriate seductiveness, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others. Associated features may include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, feelings that are easily hurt, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs. Female narcissists focus more heavily on physical appearance that male narcissists. They often overestimate their own attractiveness, and focus on displaying or flaunting physical attributes. Scientists think there may be a link between narcissism and anorexia or bulimia. In summary, female narcissists see their lives as a running feature film with them in the lead, receiving accolades at all times. Women narcissists in their 30s and 40s who are unhappily single will generally blame their unpartnered state on being too independent, feisty, strong-minded, intimidating and intelligent for most men. They have little self-awareness. 2
Author lisbon67 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 I read that apparently amongst whores. ...a very high percentage are female narcissists. ...well there you go then ...!...sorted...in my case anyway... (and absolutely no offence to any of my female friends and posters on here....or any female for that matter....I have 4 big sisters.....but they all told me she was a temptress and flirt right from the start and one said to me years ago "she will drive you to despair. ..get rid of her"....jeez she was so tight...wish I had listened to her...!! But all my family have been very nice to my WW for last 12 years.... she didn't deserve this as she is a lying cheating devious ***** 1
Author lisbon67 Posted April 11, 2015 Author Posted April 11, 2015 Elaine and autumnnights... I will try to do the practical tips that you advise... appreciated. ..need to too get back to some both mental and physical health 1
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