Cedar27 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 So I am just back in the dating world again and honestly I am totally unprepared for all that may happen. I have a date soon and to be honest I think things could get intimate at some point (because I have spoken to her a bit and I know she is flirtatious/touchy etc). The problem is I don't know her that well and I have this issue with having sex outside of a relationship. Sure, i've done it a few times out of desperation/heat of the moment, but for some reason I like to wait until the girl and I have gotten a bit close. Is this weird for me to be a man in his late twenties to think this way? Girls, what would you do if you came onto a guy early on in dating and he told you he'd rather wait a while? I still want to do things with them physically, but sex I feel should at least be waited on a bit while we get to know each other...
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Uhh well you can do whatever you're comfortable with, but if you're asking us on how you should conform to what's typical, then YES that is a bit weird. Honestly sounds like you have a low sex drive, so if you find a likeminded girl who doesn't like having sex, you two will be a perfect match! Don't complain when you have a sexless marriage though.
Author Cedar27 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Uhh well you can do whatever you're comfortable with, but if you're asking us on how you should conform to what's typical, then YES that is a bit weird. Honestly sounds like you have a low sex drive, so if you find a likeminded girl who doesn't like having sex, you two will be a perfect match! Don't complain when you have a sexless marriage though. It's definitely not a low sex drive. My last girlfriend and I had crazy sex up 5 times a day the first year during the honeymoon period. I have a very high sex drive lol, which has sometimes caused an issue or two in prior relationships. I just happen to value sharing that part of myself with someone else and I want to make sure I don't get physically involved with someone I don't know very well.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 It's definitely not a low sex drive. My last girlfriend and I had crazy sex up 5 times a day the first year during the honeymoon period. I have a very high sex drive lol, which has sometimes caused an issue or two in prior relationships. I just happen to value sharing that part of myself with someone else and I want to make sure I don't get physically involved with someone I don't know very well. Ok well a lot of women really like sex too, and more often than not if they really like you and deem you worthy of having sex with, they're going to want it sooner rather than later. Waiting until you're in a committed relationship is asking them to take a gamble on your sexual compatibility, since they won't be able to find out for months. The only ones I could see not caring would be women with low sex drives who don't want to have sex anyway. If you like sex, just do it. You don't need the title/committed relationship to make it more special or whatever.
hellischrome Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Funny how "low sex drive" sounds like an offence even if it's absolutely not... :-P Well, I've been in the situation and it is very weird. You have to be crystal clear when you explain to the girl why don't want to get too intimate too soon. Some girls might feel offended somehow, or think you don't like them, or just feel very frustrated. With a guy, after a month I got very frustrated (we slept together like 10 times and never did anything!! He wouldn't even touch me!) and things went downhill. It's OK if you're like that, there's no right or wrong, but remember that everyone likes to be wanted by the person they're dating!
Author Cedar27 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 If you like sex, just do it. You don't need the title/committed relationship to make it more special or whatever. That's the thing. I don't think having relationship sex is more special or anything. I like sex yes, but I also like having it with someone I know, respect, trust and care about. I have standards that I set for myself and I value waiting for someone I can have a connection with. For me, I really don't feel all that comfortable having sex with someone I don't know well and it carries a lot of baggage afterwards. Friends with benefits/casual sex and the like is something that just doesn't sit well with me. 2
Author Cedar27 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 With a guy, after a month I got very frustrated (we slept together like 10 times and never did anything!! He wouldn't even touch me!) and things went downhill. Well I think a month of dating would be longer than I could hold out. I was mostly talking about situations where you've been on 1-3 dates with them (early stages). I don't absolutely have to wait for a relationship to feel comfortable having sex….as long as its at least clearly heading in that direction, you know what I mean?
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Well I think a month of dating would be longer than I could hold out. I was mostly talking about situations where you've been on 1-3 dates with them (early stages). I don't absolutely have to wait for a relationship to feel comfortable having sex….as long as its at least clearly heading in that direction, you know what I mean? OK - you specifically said "no sex outside a relationship" so what will it be? Waiting a month , or around 5-6 dates isn't terrible, but waiting until you're in a relationship is going to piss off a lot of Women - especially the ones who have high sex drives. You say you like sex, so don't alienate those Women by being noble.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I actually like to wait for sex myself. But one of the main reasons is because I believe in monogamy and I usually date 3-4 women at the same time until I narrow one down to be exclusive with. However, for 4-6 weeks I'll do a mix of public dates that end with me dropping her off, and private dates where I initiate foreplay and not full on sex. I find that taking it slower builds trust and lets me also get to know her body and what turns her on. Overall I find the combo of sexual assertiveness/dominance and will power to be a great mix that ends up making girls long for sex in the end. But like you say, the best part about waiting is finding a woman you actually like in general. I know that the norm these days is to usually have sex within 3-5 dates tops. However, have it at your own pace.
Author Cedar27 Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 OK - you specifically said "no sex outside a relationship" so what will it be? Waiting a month , or around 5-6 dates isn't terrible, but waiting until you're in a relationship is going to piss off a lot of Women - especially the ones who have high sex drives. You say you like sex, so don't alienate those Women by being noble. Ok I see your point. So maybe that's my issue here. It's been so long since i've dated anyone i've lost touch on how relationships even develop. It's usually organically, and not with me shutting them down for sex and explaining why I need a relationship. OK, that makes sense. So I guess my philosophy could be I could try and be a gentleman as long as possible, but if I find myself with a woman who wants me, who also looks like she wants more than just a one night stand, I could be OK with that. I should care less about "labels" and focus on getting closer with that person. Which means allowing physical intimacy to happen at some point. I guess I just like to plan everything and be in control and this is totally no-mans land for me. 1
regine_phalange Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 It's allright, as long as you don't give her mixed messages. If you tease her and then backoff she'll resent you for it. 1
Emilia Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I've had sex early plenty of times but I wouldn't have a problem at all with a guy wanting to get to know me and connect. My advice is that make the woman feel wanted and sexy. Build the sexual chemistry, flirt but rather than just pull away when it starts going too far (as guys occasionally do when they want a relationship, you are not the only one) explain that you would like to go out with her a handful of times before taking it further. She will appreciate it. Especially if you show her that you want her.
guest569 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I was the same with wanting to wait for an exclusive relationship, it wasn't an issue for me, although I would possibly wonder why and feel unattractive etc.
stillafool Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I would cherish a man who didn't want sex until we were in an exclusive relationship. It shows me you value your body and it would make me feel secure that you wouldn't cheat once we were in a relationship. You are a rare treasure as far as I'm concerned. 2
Gaeta Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 A couple of years ago I was dating a man that wanted to wait 5 months to be intimate. I made it to 3 months and then I broke it up, I could not wait any longer. I thought it was ridiculous to invest 5 months in a man without knowing if we were sexually compatible or not. I saw him downtown the other day, what an idiot I was to let that one go! Some women will find it unusual but so what? 1
blackcat777 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Ultimately, the biggest fail anyone can have in a relationship is compromising one's personal standards to please another person. Functional relationships should be about love and respect. Every so often, a thread pops up here written by an intensely Christian man who wants to wait until marriage. If you sell yourself short, you're going to be unhappy. Be you. Own it. Girls who can't respect who you are aren't worth your time. Do communicate clearly and listen well to your woman's feelings, though, so you're both connecting and understanding each other.
Gary S Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Some religious people wait until marriage. I think it's a good idea to wait as long as you can.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 OP should do what he believes is right. The OP was asking if his behavior was normal or not which is why I replied the way I did. I was only saying that it isn't typical to wait until you're in a relationship to have Sex - but OP doesn't need to conform to what everyone else is doing.
carhill Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 How do girls feel about being told to wait for sex? I don't know how they feel since I can't read minds but I did run into this back when dating as a virgin and the consistent action was moving on, since there were plenty of men who would have sex with them on their terms. To me, this made sense. That became a theme in general and helped me better understand the transitory nature of such relationships. If one doesn't get what they want, move on. No drama nor fanfare. Took awhile to get that message though.
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