FruitBandit Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 (edited) I'm a 24 year old guy, and I was together with my girlfriend, who is 18, for 3 months. It felt like it was going really well, she had told me she loved me, and wanted us to grow old together and all that bull****. I'm sure there were signs that I didn't see because one day, nearly 7 weeks ago, she ended it. Through text, before I was supposed to come over to hers, she tells me she has just taken a part time job on top of her full time study, and she's now going to be too busy and it won't be a fair relationship. (I realised soon after this is highly likely a lie) This is a job she told me she wasn't going to take for a few reasons, so I was shocked and dissapointed. A week of no contact went by, with me hoping she'd made some sort of mistake. She got back to me, said all the string you along things such as she still had feelings for me, she still wanted us to be together, and all that. But when I tried to meet her, it became very clear to me that she was avoiding seeing me, and in the end it was obvious she was done with me and it ended with her ignoring my last couple of texts. She unfriended me on facebook the next day. That was nearly 5 weeks ago now, I've not contacted her at all since she ignored those last texts. But she is seeing someone else, I think it is quite obvious from the evidence that she left me for him. I'm also wondering if she cheated. The night before I saw her for the last time, she was going to stay at mine after a party she was at, if she could get a lift. But late that night she texted me saying she was staying at her female friends house instead, and that I should come over early next morning instead, no big deal. She didn't get back to me until 5pm the next day, saying she'd been sleeping/hungover all day, seemed believable to me. When I got there, she was grumpy as hell, and told me she only got about 10 minutes sleep...and during the time I was there, she was texting a guy called michael, the same name of the person she is now seeing. I can't even describe how hurt I've been since the breakup, a part of me still believes she will contact me again soon, with either the truth, or coming crawling back after the new guy has got what he wants. I know it's best to assume she won't though. I do see her older sister at university every now and then, she is obviously fully aware we're not together anymore, and probably knows more than me, I haven't asked her about her though. I really don't want to believe she cheated as well as left me for someone else, i haven't seen her in nearly 7 weeks. I know I'm doing all I can by not contacting her, even though it's very tempting. I really don't think it will last long with this new guy anyway. If you've been in a similar situation, how do you cope with this? Thanks Edited April 10, 2015 by FruitBandit
Syberia Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 (edited) What I did: Turn to my best (female) friend who I should have been with all along, realize we both liked each other as more than just friends, and never look back. Was over the cheating b***h in a matter of days. What you should do if that's not an option: Try not to think about what she may or may not have done. Your mind will spend less time thinking about it the busier you are. You will eventually stop caring, probably sooner than you think. Don't take her back, you have nothing invested in the relationship at this point and if she cheated once for literally no reason, she's not worth having. Edited April 10, 2015 by Syberia
jen1447 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Ok, tough love time. She probably cheated. Texting "Michael" with you standing right there the day after is really low, but yeah. Sounds like she wasn't feeling the respect either, which is the relationship death knell. Anytime someone tells you they won't "have time" for a BF/GF after x-y-z happens, they're lying. (Maybe there are some extreme legit cases, but having a job and going to school isn't really one of them.) Relationships are supposed to help you cope with life and de-stress you, because having another person to do it with helps that way. That's why time/availability's generally not a factor. You don't have to see each other all the time. Even if you don't, just knowing someone's out there who's your partner in crime is a comfort. That's the way relationships work. If someone gives the time excuse, it means the concept of a relationship is stressing them out, not comforting them, which means the love is gone and they really don't want what's now thought of as the trouble. "Time" just becomes the catch all official reason, because you can blame anything on a time crunch. Moral of all that tho is that she's kind of a bi*ch, so ....good riddance. You don't see it now bc it's early, but it's true, and you'll see it later. Best thing you can do is appear to be generally indifferent so that if/when her sister sees you and reports back, all she'll be able to say is that you looked normal and seemed okay. That'll burn the ex a little, bc people with big egos like to think that they're so awesome the world can't live without them. Don't give her that. 1
Syberia Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Yeah, "not enough time" is a BS reason. If she really liked you, she'd be trying to make it work despite the time crunch, and it would be on you to end things if you felt that there wasn't enough time. I was able to make things work when we were both full time students living 50 miles apart, and I worked full time on top of that. At one point we were 400 miles apart for a few months. I have to agree with the above poster, that what anyone who uses the "time" excuse really means is "I don't have enough time for you because I'm not interested."
Author FruitBandit Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Thanks for the replies, I'm trying to be open about it, but if you guys, the neutrals, think she may have cheated from what I said, then damn, wow. When we first met, she told me she was cheated on once and it was horrible, and because of that she would never ever do it to someone else. She always said everything she could to reassure me. I hate what she has done, and she deserves nothing from me, but I still have feelings for her. I want to contact her in a couple of weeks, but I know I shouldn't. Luckily I'm seeing my counselor again in 10 days.
Syberia Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Regardless of whether or not she's cheating, by saying she'll be "too busy" for a relationship, she's saying she's not willing to put in the energy and dedication to make it work. If she was really concerned about it being a "fair" relationship, instead of breaking up with you, she could have let you know she was going to be a little more busy and a little less available and asked you if you wanted to continue or break things off. Or knew that you'd be fine with it. That's what people in a mutually reciprocal relationship do. There was a time when my gf (now wife) could only see each other for a few hours a week, and at one point not at all for 3 months. The issue of not being "fair" was not even raised by either of us, because it shouldn't be an issue if the "unfairness" is outside of either party's control. She clearly has time for this other person, so why not you?
fitnessfan365 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Women tend to want to take the polite route and create these LAME excuses thinking they're sparing a guy's feelings. But they never seem to realize that we all see right through that crap. Now of course there are the creepy stalkers out there that would take it badly. But the average guy is well adjusted, can keep his chin up, and would rather just hear the truth. Shame she couldn't just level with you, but in the end it's a woman you dated for three months. So while it does suck, it isn't the end of the world. Plus, it probably wasn't the smartest move to date an 18 year old.
h0000 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 She's only 18. It's only 3 months. She doesn't know what she is doing. Probably wants to play with a few people at the same time. Move the F on. It wasn't even a mature enough relationship to mope around for
Author FruitBandit Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Earlier I remembered what should have been a huge red flag early on. When we first started dating, she told me she had been told she has 'too much emotional baggage'. I can't believe I brushed it off. She was always so unpredictable emotionally, one day she'd be madly in love with me and the next day she'd be cold and distant, I'd always have so much trouble getting things out of her when she was like that. There's a couple of other things I guess, god I don't know, I don't want her out of my life, she said the same thing to me, but clearly she didn't mean a lot of what she said.
jen1447 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Don't feel bad for having invested, that's mainly just biology and dopamine and other unfortunate things. As to the lying, you learned a good lesson here. The most earnest-seeming person is just as capable of lying as the most obvious con. We tend to get blinded to that reality when the emotions of that person and ours are full-on, because they're not lying at the time. But not lying then when she was full of hopes and dreams and hormones doesn't mean lying later when she's not is impossible. People are generally far more shallow then what they seem at their best moments. The trick for you is to take it as a lesson learned and not become a self-conscious brooding cynic over it. 1
Author FruitBandit Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 It's probably quite obvious that she was my first girlfriend. I just can't believe someone could do that to someone else, just drop them just like that. I know she is no good for me, and I know she has long standing issues which means her current affair won't last either. But honestly, the fact I might not ever hear from her again really tears me up. I will probably seek some closure through her sister in a coulple of weeks.
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