charlie.m.jr Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I recently was broken up with by my girlfriend of almost 4 years. It started out as a break for her to find herself. She has lost a lot of weight in the last 6 months. She was beautiful before and I always told her that. I told her that the break idea was not a good idea and we needed to work on solving what's going on. Of course that was rebutted. Over the course of the next 5 weeks we would occasionally talk and I asked her several times if there was someone else to which she replied no and that she loved me still. Well about 3 weeks ago she told me it was over and I found out she had been seeing a guy for a week already. This is a guy who she claimed was just a friend and that she'd known for 6 or 7 years. I told her that in the 4 years we were together I'd never heard of him until a couple months ago. It started with him sending pictures and videos of his son to her. I point blank asked her then if I needed to be worried and she said no, and I believed her. Come to find out its that guy she's dating now. Well about 2 weeks ago I took the last bit of stuff of hers back to her. She said she still loved me, kissed and hugged me several times and held my hand and saI'd she ddint want me out of her life. I thought we were going to be ok after that day. I didn't talk to her again until that saturday that is when she said she had moved on and made her peace with her decision and she was sorry for the mixed signals and that she hurt me. That's when I lost my temper. I said a few things I shouldn't have but most of the things I said I believe to be true. That was the first argument we have ever had with eachother. All of our mutual friends can't believe what's happened and are kind of in shock. On our anniversary I was planning to ask her to marry me. Something we had talked about since we first started dating. My heart wants to tell me I still have a chance but my mind is telling me it's over. I know how stubborn she is. She was my best friend so not only did I lose the woman I loved but also my best friend. We have so many hobbies we did together and we shared so much of our lives that this has been incredibly hard on me. I feel like she didn't have to fill the void that was left since new guy was talking to her the whole time, and I think that's where the saturday conversation came from. I haven't talked to her since then nor seen her in almost 2 weeks. I can almost see her house from mine and new guy lives about an hour and a half away. I need a way to cope with this or some thoughts on if ya'll think she will come back to me in a few months. she knows I'm willing to work on the future with her but I think she's being to stubborn to realize what's going on. This is a woman that I've done countless things for to make her life easier and better no matter what strain it put on me. I loved her unconditionally and I feel like she took me for granted. There are also ways I feel like I took her for granted as well. I'm not perfect in any way, but I was always honest to her, never told her a lie of any sort, and was completely faithful to her. Advice and help is greatly appreciated. Thanks
NC-Thomas Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Sorry to hear this charlie. It's in you best interest to go no contact, even if you want her back, this is the best option. It will save you a lot of pain by not being in contact (also blocking social media is vital here, because you will be snooping around). If you stay in contact with her, it shows her are desperate and clingy, hoping for a small chance she will come back. Don;t be like this. She put you to the curb like a bag of trash for another guy. She wants you out of her life, so be out of her life. Give her nothing, be a ghost. I guarantee there will be moments when she will feel guilty or be curious about you: it is essential that you remain in no contact. And please don't be her friend, if you want to save your dignity. I've been where you have been multiple times. 3
Author charlie.m.jr Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 I have done my best to stay away. I un friended her on facebook. I do know she still has our pictures of us together in her profile pics and her background pic was taken at my place as well. I untagged myself in every picture and deleted every comment she left on my wall since we first started dating. A good friend of mine said that I should apologize for what I said toher in another few days but he said do it in person and just say I'm sorry and leave. I think she knows I am sorry about it but she really hurt me. I just don't know what to do without her. Our lives were so intertwined that she is everywhere to me. I did actually take a girl out last night to eat and I had fun but I caught myself thinking of my ex still and part of me feels like I cheated on her. I know that sounds odd but it's how I felt. I want to think that this her thinking the grass is greener on the other side but I honestly don't know. Even her father thinks it's crap....he won't come out and straight say it... and he said I should be pissed and mad at her. The problem is that I don't have that in my heart for her, and when I do get mad I feel like **** about it later. It also blows my mind about the guy she is with. He's not very good looking ( what her own friends say ) and he lives so far away and I'm literally less than a mile away.
ravfour4 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 My story is super similar to this and it sucks so badly. Check out my thread "4 year relationship over"
ZiggyZoo Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Once they leave, the best thing to do for yourself is to assume it's for good and act accordingly. Good job on all the NC stuff you've done so far, but I'd really urge you to block her too. Trust me, waiting for that "ping" that means someone other than her sent you a message is brutal. Its best to block her and remove the option for her to send anything. Then you won't be half expecting it every time your phone goes off. If she really wanted to, she knows where you live, she can come over or mail something... I'm sorry you're going through this, but you WILL be ok. My husband of seven years walked out and left me for another woman, who he also said was just a friend. I didn't think my heart would ever heal, but it did. And I'm much, much stronger for it too. And forget trying to date or apologize or anything like that for now. Focus on YOU, the time for worrying about all that is later. Your ex will get over what you said, and there will be girls to date in the future. 2
Author charlie.m.jr Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 It really is very hard. A friend suggested the same thing about Facebook as well and that I should be highly pissed off. I just don't have that in my heart for her. At least not yet. All of our friends couldn't believe this either and we're like WTF. I just wish I had some sense of pissed off-Ness at her but I guess eventually that'll come. She does owe me some money for a bill I paid while we were on the break and I mentioned that to her a week ago and she said she forgot. I'm just gonna write that off as well. This whole scenario has just completely messed my mind and nerves up. I can't sleep anymore and when I do she's in my dreams and I wake up at odd hours of the night and I'm up all day. Not to mention the apetite loss. I thought I had loved women in the past but not like I did her and to see her just flip the switch is so unbelievable to me
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 People lie like a rug. Always watch actions and completely disregard words. Words are nothing. Actions are everything. Sorry about your loss!!!
ravfour4 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Mtnbiker, that bit me hard, my ex kept saying she was completely over me, but then acted flirty and always wanted to hang out....it was confusing as hell especially knowing that actions speak much louder than words after my first ex who did the opposite (said she loved me but acted like she hated me)
Author charlie.m.jr Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 That's the thing with mine as well. The last time I saw her....two weeks ago..... she said she loved me and she kissed me and said she couldn't imagine us not in each others lives and that this felt weird. I just don't get it.
Author charlie.m.jr Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 That's the thing with mine as well. The last time I saw her....two weeks ago..... she said she loved me and she kissed me and said she couldn't imagine us not in each others lives and that this felt weird. I just don't get it.
Ruby65 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 She's lied.... she's cheated.... she kept you around as a Plan B on a "break" while she waited to see if things would work out with this new guy.... .... I think you're pretty much entitled to feel a little anger at some point. As for her "I love you and want you in my life" blah blah blah.... it's just empty words to make herself feel less guilty. Give yourself time to recover. Take the advice offerred above and cut off all contact, online and off, including your phone. Stopping those texts from ever coming in is the most important part! The more contact you have.... the more doors you leave open.... the longer it's going to take you to heal. Your appetite will return to normal -- but it takes time. This is normal. Same with sleeping, it can take a few months to get back to normal but it will eventually. Google "melatonin" for a safe natural supplement that can help you sleep better, I use it myself and so does my teenage son. Have patience with yourself. Four years is a long time to be with someone. You sound like a good guy and when you're ready you'll find someone MUCH better who will appreciate you! Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com
Author charlie.m.jr Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 Thanks ruby. It just caught me so off guard. I didn't see it coming and the bad part is that if we could sit down and talk this out I would still try with her. I did look friday at her facebook and saw that she removed her profile pictures of us as well. I was using those for hope that as long as they were up I still had a chance. I'm not going to look anymore and that's going to be hard. I'm trying not to sit around and wait but at the same time I still have eyes only for her. Even the things I love to do don't really help right now. I still think of her and this situation a lot and it still brings me down. I do think that she is the first girl I truly loved the way it was meant to be and that's what scares me the most. I have wondered what if I end up alone for the rest of my life or if I'll never be able to open up like this again. I know that at 31 the odds of me being alone aren't great but it's still in the back of my mind. I also know that with all the common interests we had doing those things will be tough. A friend of mine asked me about it yesterday and I told him and it really hurt. He even said that he thought we were the perfect couple... as did everyone we knew.
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 Big difference between men and women in terms of breakups. Men are more in the heat of the moment, whereas women have already thought it through, carefully and thoroughly. Once their mind is made up, that's it. Might seem out of the blue to you, but trust me, she's been running this through her support circle for weeks or months!! Don't feel bad, many men feel the same way, including me. I didn't really see it coming. Or maybe I didn't want to
Ruby65 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I don't think gender differences come into play when you're talking about cheaters. She was having an emotional affair before the breakup and now she's with the guy. I've been blind-sided like that myself. In general, male and female dumpers both usually go through a secret period of gradually detaching emotionally from their unsuspecting partner. This is how they seem to move on almost immediately, because they've usually had plenty of time to get used to it whereas the person who's being dumped is very often shocked.
Itspointless Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 She has lost a lot of weight in the last 6 months. She was beautiful before and I always told her that. I have no intention to be harsh, but this is your answer. I have read similar stories about breakups after weight loss. You are the save option who loves her no matter what (that is most likely how she sees you). With her new found beauty and sexuality (how she sees herself now) she is experimenting and trying guys who she thinks now have become a possibility for her. So yes you have every right to be angry. Never agree to be the save option for anyone. I am afraid her actions are showing you what she always wanted to do. Chances are that she will come running back after some months. Please be kind to yourself, you deserve it.
mtnbiker3000 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 In general, male and female dumpers both usually go through a secret period of gradually detaching emotionally from their unsuspecting partner. This is how they seem to move on almost immediately, because they've usually had plenty of time to get used to it whereas the person who's being dumped is very often shocked. I disagree. Men usually don't do this. Men get caught up in an argument or disagreement and breakup spur of the moment (and usually later regret it). Or they cheat as long as they can without getting caught. But they don't usually plan ahead for a break up, whereas women do. Women will test the waters by asking their friends and family for advice and slowly start to detach. Men don't do anything slowly in a relationship, or breakup.
Ruby65 Posted April 12, 2015 Posted April 12, 2015 I disagree. Men usually don't do this. Men get caught up in an argument or disagreement and breakup spur of the moment (and usually later regret it). Or they cheat as long as they can without getting caught. But they don't usually plan ahead for a break up, whereas women do. Women will test the waters by asking their friends and family for advice and slowly start to detach. Men don't do anything slowly in a relationship, or breakup. We'll have to agree to disagree then, as I've never had a guy break up with me in the spur of the moment or heat of an argument. I broke up with someone very suddenly once, myself. Not all women rely on a support circle.... not all men act without one.
Author charlie.m.jr Posted April 12, 2015 Author Posted April 12, 2015 That's the thing I don't understand. Her best friends told her he wasnt very good looking. All of our girl mutual friends day the same thing and I believe them. They all are like WTF at this. The new guy is about 2 times as big as me around and looks like a Walmart cowboy. I just don't get the physical part. And i do think she had this planned longer than she told me about. I think he used his kid to get to her and that's so wrong on so many levels. And i told her almost every day for 4 years how beautiful she was. And she is. I feel like I was so wronged by her by this but I do still love her. I can't just turn that off. Even right before the break the things she said and did are so contradictory to this situation.
Itspointless Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 That's the thing I don't understand. Her best friends told her he wasnt very good looking. All of our girl mutual friends day the same thing and I believe them. They all are like WTF at this. The new guy is about 2 times as big as me around and looks like a Walmart cowboy. I just don't get the physical part. And i do think she had this planned longer than she told me about. I think he used his kid to get to her and that's so wrong on so many levels. And i told her almost every day for 4 years how beautiful she was. And she is. I feel like I was so wronged by her by this but I do still love her. I can't just turn that off. Even right before the break the things she said and did are so contradictory to this situation. Often there is no (good) answer for the dumped why things happened. Reality is that she turned out to be someone else than you thought you knew. Sorry man
ravfour4 Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 (edited) I'm going through something similar as I mentioned above. After 3 months post break-up, I've come to accept that she slowly grew to resent me while never voicing any overall concern with the relationship (and when she did a few weeks beforehand, we had talked through it and agreed to make it work, so much for that), blaming me for the relationship falling apart and that's why it was so easy for her to move on. She would overreact to small things and admit that she was, but never told me she was thinking we wouldn't work out. I think she recognizes what she did was wrong and that she should feel terrible about it, but instead put up a huge shield of anger so she didn't have to deal with feeling bad. It's some BS. I was always 100% transparent with her and while we weren't very sexually active or lovey dovey the few months leading up to the break-up, I never stopped loving her. Seeing her move on so quickly without a second thought has been very difficult to deal with. Edited April 13, 2015 by ravfour4 1
Author charlie.m.jr Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 So to update everyone I did apologize for some of the things I said to her 3 weeks ago. I saw her parents at church on Wednesday night and her dad was the same as he always was but her mom big leagued me....... looked right at me, I smiled and waved, and she turned 90 degrees and walked out the door. I found out through a mutual friend she lost her job a few days after I lost my temper with her. I told her I was sorry to hear that and if she needed anytging that I was still there for her. I apologized for some of the mean things I said but not all of them as I feel most of them were true. I told her it was bothering me and she said to let it go and that it was in the past. She said she didn't lie to me about what happened, I want to believe her but I don't. Is this her way of saying she has truly moved on? I told her I never thought we would end up this way and she quickly said she was tired and mentally exhausted and didn't want to talk about it anymore so we changed the subject. People say that with time it gets easier but right now it's getting harder. What should I do? I feel like she is completely going through the grass is greener phase and I want to think she'll figure out that she wants me and this was a mistake but I don't know if that'll ever truly happen.
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