puresoul Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Hi! I am a new comer my name is alisa. I have been through a lot these past few weeks. I have been in a relationship with a guy for five years. We have a two year old son together. Over the years its been hard because my boyfriend didn't help me as far as taking care of our family. He never worked and always put his music first. I have always worked and taken care of our son and him. I had asked him to leave at the begnning on March because I was tired of being the only one resposible and tired of watching him do whatever he wanted. Another part of the reason was because his best friend (a girl) was making me feel that there was something more to their "friendship". Which I was confedent when I did this and just continued to work and take care of my son. After this my ex-boyfriend still kept coming around to try and work things out although his was now living with his bestfriend. But I started going to counseling because I felt that my ex-boyfriend was a narcissitis. About two weeks later my ex-boyfriends bestfriend came to my work and asked me if I were going to take my ex-boyfriend back because she is going through her own thing in life. But while we talked the truth came out all this time that I was with my boyfriend they were also together and having their own relationship. I was destroyed! I left my office and went home where he was waiting for me and his bestfriend wanted to also go to my house so that I could comfront him. When we were all at my house it took him a while until he admitted the truth. I told him taht I was done and that he needed to leave. Now he went out of control and was going back a forth between her and I and telling us that he is going to kill himself. For a week he was trying to talk to me trying to set thngs right. I told him that he has only destroyed every part of me and everything I tried to do everything all that I gave up just to be with him meant nothing. I can't believe this we have a son together and he didn't just do this to me he did this to his son. After that I didn't hear or see him but it was only three days and now he is with her and now they are together. He said that his loves me and this is the only regret he has in his life which was hurting me but his bestfriend is dirt and so is he and his loves her to its the right thing to do. I am so hurt and only wondering in the depths of pain. I am trying to accept reality. But its so hard my chest aches and I am drowning. This is eating me alive. I can't understand! Only left to with hatred! Realizing all the fights we had they makes sense now. I keep hearing his words that I was the only one and I don't have to worry about him cheating because he loves me. All this time this whole time I was in denial with myself. I am so stupid in believing him. Now I have to crawl on this new path and find serenity. My head is so missed up! He was a very big part of my life and I never new that life could be so unfair. Now sit telling myself that pain is an illusion and serenity is to be a peace with one self. I try to remember that he was not there for me financially and emotinally and only pretended to be. I can't tell if hatred will light my way or if I sould accept and forgive because it does more for the forgiver. Now he is telling me by e-mail that he is my lover and savior and that he wants to help me heal because we have a son together and he is the only ne who can help if I let him. He said that I am weak for letting the hatred come over me I have the control not to do this. He also said that I am building a wall and not letting anything else in but anger and that if I do this I am only being fake to myself. I can't believe that he is acting as if nothing happened and I can't believe that he is alright because he loves "her" and now they will try. GOD! What did I do! At moments I am okay and hour leter I am not. Only realizing the signs that were made I just desmissed. I have to say that before all this happened I was given a Tool CD awhile back and I never really listened to it until about two weeks before I asked him to leave the Tool CD had a point listening to the words and the meaning of the song just came upon me that something "GOD" wanted me to listen to Tool and when all this happened all the songs were everything that was happening to me. Now I am being eat alive. I feel has if my ex-boyfriend and his whore were just set out to kill me. Feel this was all planned to remove me. Only dreaming of them as hannibles they killed me and now are feasting on my dead body. I don't know how to deal with his betrayal! I am breaking and only letting this eat me alive. Trying to overcome seems impossible. Now what once was a girl in love most crucify herself and learn. Maybe now that I have died I will be re-born into a stronger perosn. But I am still in on the ground alive still taking little breaths. When will I die only to be re-born. WHEN!
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Life isn't always as unfair as it seems, Puresoul. For the most part, each of us are where we are because of the life choices we've made. True, while there will always be some unforeseen circumstances that arise, for the most part, we are all in charge of our own destiny. Let's look at this realistically: You chose to remain in a relationship that was 'unbalanced' from conception to end. For love…or moreover, for the sake of being loved you decided to make sacrifices that in the end cost you more than you ever received in return. Secondly, you decided that it was better to ignore your intuitions and give your husband the benefit of the doubt although in your heart you knew you were probably avoiding facing the reality of your situation. Again…all in the name of 'love.' Because of this, there should never be any shame or guilt for having given someone you're all. You are not at fault, or to blame for your husband's selfish short-comings. G-d didn't do this to you…'life' didn't do this to you. Your husband did! So please try to keep this in perspective while you're raging against the unfairness of the world. Place the blame where blame belongs. Moreover, I think this may be a blessing in disguise for you. You have been doing all the work on your own anyway…receiving little help or love for all your pain and troubles. So why not cut the dead weight off your shoulders and free yourself once and for all? Certainly, life will become much easier for you once you realize just how little you needed this man in the first place. Not every man (or person) is like the one you married. Don't let this experience make you bitter. Instead, LEARN from it! Maybe now that I have died I will be re-born into a stronger perosn. But I am still in on the ground alive still taking little breaths. When will I die only to be re-born. WHEN! WHEN: you finally learn to accept what has happened and let go of it. It takes time. But you'll get there.
Author puresoul Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Thanks for the blunt words! I do need help everyone does at some point. But its hard not to feel that I was not enough but its him who lost treasure untold. I am on the path to embrace my own happiness. Its just not in my eye's to see when its so far away. To let go its easier said than done because I still love him and care for him but I am, I am far beyond destroyed. I can't even walk into my own house too many memories! I drive myself insane because I concenrate on the stupid things like if I am drving anywhere and see a truck that looks like his I start to feel the pain and memories start to flash in my head or like this morning I was geting ready for work and I took this shirt from the laungry and realized that this shirt was a shirt given to me by him but actually it was her's. I can't wait for that moment where I can look back to all this and ask myself WHAT WAS I THINKING! But thanks for the advice!
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Not "wisdom"…not "advice"…but simply the perspective of someone who's been down that road. I know you can't see around that corner yet, but it's brighter and happier where you're heading. Just listen to how ridiculous his claims sound: Now he is telling me by e-mail that he is my lover and savior and that he wants to help me heal because we have a son together and he is the only ne who can help if I let him. Heal from what?...The pain he's caused and will continue to cause if you allow him to walk all over you? He is not your 'savior'. As a matter of fact, I gather from your story that this man-child is the one who's constantly looking to be saved. Hell, he's not even a good lover if he's giving half of it away to someone else. He can't even wipe his own ayas without a female to take care and provide for him. You have two children. Unfortunately, the oldest one is an ungrateful, spoiled brat. And yes…you DO have a son together, but how much has he actually helped if he can't even hold down a job or take on any parental responsibilities? You'd be better off suing him for child support rather than letting him freeload and take up space on your couch. . .all the while sneaking behind your back to get some strange from another woman. I guarantee, the only reason he's trying to manipulate his way back into the door is because he still needs someone to take care of him. What's the matter? --- has his Mama kicked him out too? Hopefully, his other girlfriend will wizen up as well. I applaud your bravery and your resolve to make your life happy without all this crap. You absolutely DESERVE BETTER and you must keep telling yourself that if you are ever going to get past it. You are "good enough", Puresoul…but you fell in love with someone who was too stupid to appreciate it. Now, let him lye in the bed he's made for himself and let regret put food on his table and keep him warm at night. Good luck and try to stay strong!
Author puresoul Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Will, I just got back from lunch what sucks is that I have to drive by his parents house in order for me to get my house and on my way back I saw her truck infront of his parents house which she has a lot of balls because his parents DO NOT want her at their house but I just kept driving continued to listen to Prefect Circle. I felt some pain and somewhat wanted to go over and kick both of him but I just said no I am okay. this is what I need to keep driving and not look back. But all these thoughts ran through my head that he is probably staying with her at her house and is using her car for transportation because his truck broke down or something or they got into a fight and she is there to talk to him. But I am trying to tell myself that none of this matters to me anymore she can pick up the load now. But its hard I am dealing with it. I know later tonight I will feel the pain. I hope the rest of the day I am content. I do feel better when I am with MY family. My parents don'treally bring up the situation nor do my little brothers. They make me laugh and show so much love. God its only 2:30 here and I have until 5:30 at work I hope it ges by fast.
quankanne Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 . Now he is telling me by e-mail that he is my lover and savior and that he wants to help me heal because we have a son together and he is the only one who can help if I let him. He said that I am weak for letting the hatred come over me I have the control not to do this. just like he has complete control over his actions, yet still acts like a narcissistic pig, right? you are not weak for feeling what you do, just being honest with yourself about being so ruthlessly screwed over by the one you trusted. Frankly, it's going to be hard, but it can be done – just think of it this way: you went through that experience, you're learning from it, and once you've healed, you'll realize that as painful as it was, it is something you had to go through to get one step closer where you are meant to be. Much like steel is tempered by burning fire. … I am only being fake to myself he tells you these things because you refuse to let him to control your soul and he's a narcissistic jackass, to boot. Despite the hurt that emanates from your post, you sound like you're a pretty together, strong, with-it chick who has got a spine of steel; he sounds like a jackass … all will be well, puresoul; all will be well.
Author puresoul Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Thanks for all the advice. I am so glad to have come across this site because I do need to let all this out and need the support. I do have another thing that I have been working on some of it is my own words and some are lyrics from differnt bands which brought meaning to my situtation. I actually drew an angel with her wings destroyed which looks really cool. Through my friends and family and him (Brian) I am known as angel and this poem which again some words are of my own and some are not but its called Fallen Angel.......... My heart continues to ache, why did this happen, eye's burning, stinging, want to sleep, still I sit and wonder the depths of pain, still I can't believe, feel that you have already forgotten, everything I tried to do meant nothing, feel as if I were having a bad dream, am I going to wake? but its true, the truth has come, now I collapse, I break, deteriorate, you destroyed me, yet you claim you love me, need all this to go away, no one can help me, I need to heal, I need to forget, just move on, F*** them , I will show them, still think about it, still feel the pain, I need to leave move on, I will be better off, have a life to live, Life? its only to be blessed, only to be laid to rest for all that we have lived for, moments like this, feel it won't end, for you, it was so easy with a whore, lost in your sick mind, you know I don't need you, I just can't put you down, stinging tears, burning resentment, all I had was in your possession, my heart bleeds for no one, but you, burning hatred will light my way, its a choice not words, as your would comes down, I will be there, didn't look prety digging my own grave? whats left to save, in the dark I am none, falling futher in this F*** hole, you disgust me now that you have brought me down, though my heart says I will die without you, crucify and learn, you can now sit, and watch me burn, makes no sense, you are all the same, only the wounded bleed to death, i must endure my own pain, life in the dark without light, empty, you deserve nothing at all, you were not my husband, only my enemy, telling me lies and it killed me, trust no one, you only pretended to be, your whore is by your side now, she is all that you have now, can't believe she's the one you love, can't believe she has your heart, I was unsuccessful, Unworthy, you said you loved me all this time, realizing, all this time seems to me, she was the one you were thinking of, i can't believe you are gone, and she is the one who took you love away, its started out so prefect, something only GOD could create, a union of both you and me, I loved you but you still treated me like a wife less and less, you destroyed every part of me, now what once was a beautiful girl, that you showed with your lies, must live with a heart that bleeds, I gave you a son, a reason to live, and you used my love in vain, so go on by yourself to survive this alone, you know you can't come home, you know that you were my heart and soul, but i can't be hurt I gotta let you go, together forever thats what we both said, I didn't know that life could be so unfair, in our beginning, when I saw your smiling face, love walked in, one moment with you changed my life, on tender kiss, made everything right, one touch from you, the world was mine, it was in you arms I felt complete, cried my tears of joy, my first night with you, I felt the sun, shine so bright on me, chased the rain from my heart, through the darkest night, I found my brightest star, with one look in your eye's I never new I could feel so much love, but now I can't believe, I can't beliveve, I believe everything we had would last, so young and naive for me to think I was the only one, stupid of me to dream of being a family, love is so blind, its feel right but it was all wrong, I can't believe I fell for your schemes, this is not me, foolish of me to compete, when you were cheating on me with her, it took all this time but now, NOW I realize at the end I have me, so controlling, you still speak lies, you said that you love me, but you don't, my family, freinds told me, I would see this on my own, Now I dealing with this betrayal, now its over, stop trying to chase me, never will I disappoint myself, concealment, closure, only left to present myself as a strong person, only left to say I loved, loved real hard once, but the love was not returned, found that the guy I'd die for, wasn't even concerned, family, friends you saved me showed me that life is much more that being a foolish guys wife, showing my own self that love is respect and devotion, I am torn and confues wasted and used, I was stuck and frustrated I waited and debated, misled I bled till the pain is gone, my soul was weary, but now its replenishing, content because that part of my life is over, I see you sometimes, only know you have lost treasures untold, But my heart s gold, I take back my soul............................ STAIND(arron lewis) " all the times that I've cried all this wasted its all inside and I feel all this pain stuffed it dwn its back again and I lie here in bed all alone I can't mend but I feel tomorrow will be okay but I'm on the outside and I'm looking in I can see through you see your true colors cause inside your ugly, ugly like me I can see through you SEE THE REAL YOU." Yeh, this is what I feel and still feeling but its the pure soul!
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