Everlastinglite Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I dont know why, but im attracted to guys who are no good for me. Guys who have bad pasts of doing bad things n gotten into trouble....Why am i soo attracted to them?? My ex was like that. He was a drug dealer n didnt work or go to school..had NO money. He would tell me all the crazy things he did in his short life n it just felt like he brought excitment into my life. I always say i want n need a good gentelman to be with..but when someone like that shows up, i dont even look at him. Also its not that i have low self worth or self esteem...i know my worth and i know what i deserve. I dont like guys who mistreat girls or would ever tolerate anything like that..i am one to call out the bull when i see it. Its just my attraction to the dark side is overwhelming n i cant figure out why..
todreaminblue Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 if you recognise a pattern , its a perfect time for you to reflect on that pattern and change that pattern, finding the reason why you are attracted to bad boys is not as important as recognising that it is self destructive to you and making a concerted effort not to go forward with guys that are no good for you..... i figured out i often get too close to guys that have major issues......they open up to me....and most bad boys....have something in their past that makes them the way they are....and i have this habit for looking for the good in people that includes bad boys....everyone has good in them.....and i love to find that good......thing is.....finding the good...doesnt mean dating them or forming an intimate attachment....i can help ...doesnt mean i should ever date them.....and it took me a while to figure that out......deb
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Not all attraction is instant. Some is habitual. Like blue says, it's a pattern. Often the roots are in childhood or early adolescence. Sometimes we repeat patterns to try to gain mastery of them i.e. there is a correlation between sexual abuse victims and casual risky sex; Freud would argue that they are looking to gain mastery over a situation they formerly had no control over. Therapy or even meditation, self-reflection might help you identify WHY this is. The draw of the 'bad boy' tends to be: - low self worth / insecurity - committmentphobia - fear of abandonment (so ironically you choose an unreliable partner to help face this fear) - need for drama (attention issues in childhood? where you ignored, neglected? Did you feel heard?) - control issues in childhood - a bad bf a chance to rebel? - need to fix/help someone 2
Quiet Storm Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Also its not that i have low self worth or self esteem...i know my worth and i know what i deserve. People with low self worth say this all the time, but their actions don't reflect that. If your actions aren't matching your words, you might be lying to yourself. It's OK to be attracted to exciting guys, but you have to be smart enough to look out for your own best interests. A drug dealer? With no money? It may be exciting but it won't be fun if you're there when he gets busted, or when crackheads are banging on the door at 3 am or you're there when he gets robbed. I'm glad he's your ex. People with healthy self worth look out for their own best interests. They don't just say or think "I deserve better", they accept nothing less. You should think about counseling, you can explore this and figure it out so you don't keep picking the wrong guys. 2
Author Everlastinglite Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 (attention issues in childhood? where you ignored, neglected? Did you feel heard? I really feel like it could be this. People would assume that i got all the attention from being one of the only girls in my family, and it did feel like that when i was much younger for awhile. But as i got older, my brother gets all the attention now. Everyone loves him, everyone flocks to him...he is the social butterfly of the family while i am stuck alone. Im extremely shy....and its hard to be open with people. Iv always been really jealous of him. Thanks for ur input u guys:) It really helped.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I really feel like it could be this. People would assume that i got all the attention from being one of the only girls in my family, and it did feel like that when i was much younger for awhile. But as i got older, my brother gets all the attention now. Everyone loves him, everyone flocks to him...he is the social butterfly of the family while i am stuck alone. Im extremely shy....and its hard to be open with people. Iv always been really jealous of him. Thanks for ur input u guys:) It really helped. Hey everlasting, really happy if anything helped you If you think attention is the case, then that's a great first step. Often it's subconscious because kids who didn't feel they got a lot of attention seek out ways to get it and a 'bad' bf can be quite an attention grabber. I think good solutions are to practice self-validating (giving yourself attention) and maybe seeking out positive spaces where you can feel heard i.e. therapy, a class, meditation, book group. Also maybe work on your family relationships. The dynamic might be different now that you are older. Good luck
2.50 a gallon Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 (edited) I call it the "Curtain #3 Syndrome" from the game show "Let's Make a Deal", the contestants keep picking #3, even tho each time they open the curtain there is a goat or a mule as the prize. I have seen this with both sexes. But, by far more women than men. One of my FWB's suffered from it. A very good looking gal, full of ambition, had a good head on her shoulders until it came to men. It seemed to cycle once a year. She would get serious with a guy and I wouldn't hear from her for months. Then she would be calling me, and her words, "He gave an up close view of the walls" meaning he had smashed her into the walls and beat the tar out of her. Being very good looking she had lots of choices, but found nice guys to be unexciting. Then she would find a guy, get all involved again, I would not hear from her for months, until she would call me once again. Please get some counseling. My friend wanted badly to marry and have some kids. She was in her 40's when a couple of years went by without me hearing from her, and I thought maybe she had finally found a good guy to settle down with. Until I bumped into another friend, who told she had committed suicide. Edited April 10, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon 1
elaine567 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Apart from the need for attention, I think it is also 1)the thought that "He is a lion, he will rip anyone apart but to me he is a pussycat, therefore I must be special" 2) the fact many bad guys are damaged and that inspires maternal feelings in many women, he may be broken but I will fix him, I will protect him. 3) there is also the "it is us against the world" attitude, the world "hates" us, but together we will be fine. 4) some "powerless" people like to align themselves with "powerful" people to give themselves some status, "I may have been nothing, but my bf is a VIP in our world and now so am I" 5) bad boys also tend to have a devil may care attitude and for some women brought up to be "nice" and to not to rock any boats, that is refreshing and a way of rebelling against their parents and society in general. 6) bad boys tend to ooze confidence and for anyone that struggles with confidence they are going to be attracted to that. 1
StanMusial Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 A drug dealer? With no money? Maybe next time you can at least get a successful drug dealer. Then gradually work your way up to a generally productive member of society. 1
2.50 a gallon Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I don't buy into the low self esteem thing with all women. As young man, I was semi successful with the ladies, but all of that change when an older woman, told me "Ladies love outlaws" I quit being the nice guy. Where the previous year, (I had a pickup truck)when ever a coed asked me if I could help her move, I would quickly agree, in the hopes that maybe it would lead to a date, that never happened. I changed to "What's in it for me?" I turned into a bad boy, the minimum was at least a hand job, my sex life took off. Though I was never a low life as a drug dealer, I was up front, that I wanted and found lots of sexual partners. I found that women love excitement, like my fast driving, even more so if it was on the back of a super fast, rice grinder bike. Take her for a ride on a curvy highway then stop back at my place for a drink before taking her home, was a sure thing. At a boring party on a New Years Eve, I picked up a hot coed, by asking her if she wanted to bring in NYE with a bang. At first she was insulted, until I showed her a pack of fire crackers and asked her if she wanted to take a drive down Broadway. So a midnight we are cruising down cruiser boulevard with her throwing fire crackers out the window. And yes we brought in New Years with a bang. When it came to dancing, I was a dirty dancer long before the movie of the same name was released. I was also a pretty good photographer, and at one time had the second bedroom set up as a nude studio. They would buy the film, we would put it in my camera, then once the shot was over the film was returned to her, and she was in control of the developing Over my life my number of partners run into the triple digits, with crooked numbers as the first digit. There is no way they all suffered from self esteem issues. Quite simply, most of them just wanted a little excitement and fun in their lives.
preraph Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Was one of your parents irresponsible? Sometimes we're most comfortable with what we grew up having to learn to deal with. No, it's not healthy. It happens because we loved them anyway and so we make excuses for them and rationalize that what they're doing is okay rather than rejecting them. Then we end up with someone similar and try to fix them. If it's not from your upbringing, then sounds to me like you have low self-esteem and don't think you deserve anything better or no one better would want you. Either way, it's time to get into therapy and see if you can find out what made you this way and start working on overcoming it so you don't put yourself into a lifelong cycle of pain.
carhill Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Its just my attraction to the dark side is overwhelming n i cant figure out why. Any number of factors could be in play. For some, the dark side is role-modeled as love. For others, socialization into love translates into a caretaker personality. Others simply miss the harbingers of the dark side. Most of us combine such factors, or others, into a milieu of psychological response. Another factor can be attraction to the obvious. The dark side is more obvious. People who don't act on or act out the dark side can be, well, unremarkable. Invisible. It all depends on one's perceptions.
Author Everlastinglite Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Apart from the need for attention, I think it is also 1)the thought that "He is a lion, he will rip anyone apart but to me he is a pussycat, therefore I must be special" 2) the fact many bad guys are damaged and that inspires maternal feelings in many women, he may be broken but I will fix him, I will protect him. 3) there is also the "it is us against the world" attitude, the world "hates" us, but together we will be fine. 4) some "powerless" people like to align themselves with "powerful" people to give themselves some status, "I may have been nothing, but my bf is a VIP in our world and now so am I" 5) bad boys also tend to have a devil may care attitude and for some women brought up to be "nice" and to not to rock any boats, that is refreshing and a way of rebelling against their parents and society in general. 6) bad boys tend to ooze confidence and for anyone that struggles with confidence they are going to be attracted to that. This completely makes sense. I feel like i just wanna "fix" them in a way...even though i know you can never fix or change someone who isnt willing to do so themselves...i just have that nurturing characteristic in me i guess. Also, to clearify a point i forgot to make for those who responded...he was a former drug dealer. He wasnt dealing when we were together, he wanted to do better for himself and find someone not like one of his crazy exes and he saw that i could be that for him. He had no money bc he spent all the money he made, but he always told me he never wanted to go back even though it was easy cash.
Author Everlastinglite Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Was one of your parents irresponsible? Sometimes we're most comfortable with what we grew up having to learn to deal with. No, it's not healthy. It happens because we loved them anyway and so we make excuses for them and rationalize that what they're doing is okay rather than rejecting them. Then we end up with someone similar and try to fix them. If it's not from your upbringing, then sounds to me like you have low self-esteem and don't think you deserve anything better or no one better would want you. Either way, it's time to get into therapy and see if you can find out what made you this way and start working on overcoming it so you don't put yourself into a lifelong cycle of pain. No, i had great parents who always protected me. My mom was the strict one and my dad was more leinient so it kind of balanced out in a way. But i see your point there. Also i understand where you think i may have low self-esteem..maybe thats true and im just blocking it out from my mind i dont know haha. Youre right though that its a cycle that i should get myself out of thanks for ur input i appreciate it 1
Woggle Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 It's because you like many people associate dysfunction and drama with excitement. There is such a thing as healthy excitement and fun but many have a hard time accepting that concept.
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