Dating a fantastic guy who now has admitted has an STD!

[Southern Sun]

It is true - the stats are about 1 in 5 people ages 15 to 50 carry HSV-2. Nearly 65% of people have HSV-1 (fever blisters, typically).

 

Statistically, 10% of men who carry HSV-2 will transmit it to an uninfected female partner - assuming no sex during outbreaks AND no regular use of condoms; this also assumes regular sex with a long-term partner. If the man chooses to take an antiviral daily suppressive, this reduces the risk even further.

 

Female to male transmission is even less - 4%.

 

Note that these statistics generally account for those with more "mature" infections. Those recently infected (within the last 1-2 years) are more contagious during that timeframe. You may want to ask him about that.

 

Point being - it is VERY common. You may want to get IgG antibody testing done yourself, to make sure you're not positive. If you are, then you don't really have a problem. If you're not and this is a serious and important relationship, and especially if he is willing to take the precautions that are important to you, it is not something that has to hold you back.

[Gaeta]

Thank you Gaeta,

 

You make me have less of a panic now

 

I see him this sunday and we will have lots to talk about, i'll update the thread then to, to tell how everything went. I do like him just not used to being around people who have serious viruses.

 

I caught HPV when I was younger, I developed cancer cells and had pieces of my uterus removed, I never went unprotected EVER again unless I was with a tested partner.

 

See, you both learn a lesson. Yours happened to be hpv, his is hsv. Both be happy it was not hiv.

[Gaeta]

Point being - it is VERY common. You may want to get IgG antibody testing done yourself, to make sure you're not positive. If you are, then you don't really have a problem. If you're not and this is a serious and important relationship, and especially if he is willing to take the precautions that are important to you, it is not something that has to hold you back.

 

Excellent point I forgot to bring up.

[Gaeta]

I think the fact he told me was pretty brave...He could have said nothing like most people in their 20s do!

 

It's not easy to tell a cute girl "oh hey I have an std"

 

Yes he is a very brave and honest man for his age. Half of people carrying the virus do not tell. I know people in their 50s who aren't that honest and brave. If he is honest about something this difficult to tell he will be honest with everything else.

[Erised]

1 in 4 women and 1 in 5 men are suspected to have HSV 2 (far more for HSV1).

 

Many are asymptomatic. Those who aren't often mistake it for other things

 

It's not typically ran in standard STI screenings because it's so minor in most, and the CDC's position is that the diagnosis is effective worse than the disease.

 

If he is diagnosed he probably actually recognizes his outbreaks and he'll be on suppression antiviral therapy.

 

Avoid sex during an outbreak. Use protection.

You're less likely to catch it from him than the vast majority who don't know their status and don't recognize.

 

My ex husband had HSV2. We had unprotected sex for many years after we got engaged only avoiding for the rare outbreak and I've had a blood test- I still don't have it.

 

Just FYI

 

I wouldn't care if I did. IVe researched a lot and it's not a huge deal. There's far worse STIs to have. I mean I will still be safe but the stigma makes people irrational about it verse looking at the facts

[Phoe]

I had a scare with an ex. It's pretty much the reason why he broke up with me.

 

We waited for 2 months of dating to have sex. Used a condom. Right away, I had funny irritation down there. Went to the doctor and he instantly says "Hmm. Might be herpes." And orders tests.

 

I calmly tell my ex what I'd learned. He freaks out. Says there's no way it was him. Later on insinuated that it was my fault and that I'd put him at risk. He dumped me.

 

Tests all came back negative. Knowing that it can take a while to get into the blood, I get tested again 6 months later. And again another 6 months later. And still again.

 

All the tests have continued to come back negative, but mentally, because I went through strange symptoms, the doctor thinking I have it, and getting dumped over it, I have a hard time accepting the negative results. There is still that "what if..."

 

So when I went into my last relationship, I told him that there was a possibility. That all the tests came back negative over and over, but that i had no explanation for the symptoms. I wanted him to be aware of that off chance. And he was okay with it. We never spoke of it again after that first time.

 

Could it have simply been irritation? Sure. First time having sex in years, condom, burning pain, I did use a baby wipe down there shortly afterwards. Could've just gotten a bad reaction. But my mind gets anxious.

 

Because of this I really feel for those who have it and must go through telling others, because I've inadvertantly been there.

[ascendotum]

Yeah, it's not really "bravery" as much as it is an obligation. She easily could have had sex with him, and then contracted herpes and then taken him to court for not telling her and then infecting her with an incurable disease.

Really??? The courts in the US are full of people sueing each other over contracting herpes or other STDs.

[Erised]

Really??? The courts in the US are full of people sueing each other over contracting herpes or other STDs.

 

In some states you can be charged over failure to disclose HSV. In most, you cannot and only deadly diseases like HIV can be charged.

 

There was some state recently considering it, but the risk is people will simply then refuse to get tested. If you don't know, you can't be charged and have no obligation. It doesn't appear to actually reduce transmission rates; the laws that is.

 

Even in the states where it is law, you have to be able to prove you didn't have it first, and that they knew they had it. If you've had sex with multiple people and weren't tested before the one specifically, it's going nowhere.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I've been in a relationship knowingly with an ex who had this disease,

When I was younger, I felt it was "worth it" to prove my love to appease,

The relationship ended, and luckily multiple blood tests have shown,

I contracted nothing from her and her secret was never blown.

 

However, it is extremely frustrating to not be able to hold or kiss,

To be sexually involved with someone who has outbreaks like this,

It takes a special type of person to be able to do things as such,

I would most likely never try that again, it would be way too rough.

 

It wouldn't be a dealbreaker for someone so amazing and nice,

However, this single problem, sad to say, is enough to suffice,

the end of a relationship because of my own past experiences with it,

Unless, of course, she's a 10/10 and blows my mind with wit.

[lana-banana]

1) Eighty percent (yes, eighty) of people with genital herpes do not know they are infected. That means the vast majority of people with this disease have no symptoms or such mild symptoms they mistake it for razor bumps and so on.

 

2) Standard STD tests do not screen for HSV1 or HSV2. Seriously. You will not be tested for HSV unless you ask or the doctor specifically orders it.

 

3) Herpes can be in your system for years---even up to a decade---before you have an outbreak. Some people never have outbreaks at all.

 

4) If you take antivirals daily, use condoms and avoid sex during outbreaks, your chance of spreading the virus is about 2%.

 

What I'm getting at is it's absurdly difficult to prove someone knowingly infected someone else with HSV2. It's also stupid to pretend people with HSV2 are some kind of lepers who must be shunned when they just have a (typically) mild skin rash. If my current boyfriend had it, it wouldn't have been a dealbreaker for me at all.

[lovesickgirl]

I get myself tested 6m-yearly for EVERYthing. I request it.

My doctor knows the drill at physical check ups.

[Gaeta]

I get myself tested 6m-yearly for EVERYthing. I request it.

My doctor knows the drill at physical check ups.

 

Yes but getting tested does not keep you from getting it. I know 50 yo men who never used protection and didn't get it, I know people who got it the very first time they had sex. It's like trowing the dices. You may be married all your life an your husband-wife cheats on you once and gives it to you.

 

PS: do not tell your doctor to be tested for everything. Specifically ask for hsv 1 & 2. Otherwise it's not tested.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

2) Standard STD tests do not screen for HSV1 or HSV2. Seriously. You will not be tested for HSV unless you ask or the doctor specifically orders it.

 

I'm not calling you out simply because people are from many a place,

But you could define "standard", because from where I'm at, in case

I went to planned parenthood, and asked for a standard FULL STD test, including HIV,

And I got a printout showing I had nothing, including any strain of HPV. (asked for the printout)

[KatZee]

And I got a printout showing I had nothing, including any strain of HPV. (asked for the printout)

 

HPV is not herpes. It's to check for the virus which may lead to vaginal warts which may lead to cervical cancer. All gyno exams check for HPV, ALWAYS.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

HPV is not herpes. It's to check for the virus which may lead to vaginal warts which may lead to cervical cancer. All gyno exams check for HPV, ALWAYS.

 

I'm very sorry, and you are 100% right,

That was a typo, I meant HSV at first type.

Few threads going around regarding both HSV and HPV,

Mixed up my response when responding to thee.

 

I did ask about HPV when I went for a test,

they said they had nothing for men, I tried my best.

But in either case, my question from before still stands,

What standard test doesn't test for HSV in advance?

[PogoStick]

Wait so you have a virus that causes genital cancer, and you're being righteous towards a guy who has a virus that causes genital blisters? Hmmm.

[PogoStick]

Also, karma says if you leave this guy, you'll just catch an STD with the next guy who chooses to hide is condition. Condoms aren't 100% and I doubt you use protection for oral sex anyway.

[Omei]

I think the fact he told me was pretty brave...He could have said nothing like most people in their 20s do!

 

It's not easy to tell a cute girl "oh hey I have an std"

 

Well I don't, this is something he should of mentioned wayyy before and give you the choice to decide if you would be okay with dating someone with herpies or HIV whatever he has, instead he swooned you till you got feelings for you and then yes dropped it on you like a bomb which is why it felt like a bomb.

 

To me its a type of entrapment (maybe if I make her care for me the thing I should of been honest about will be overlooked now that she likes me)

Edited April 10, 2015 by Omei

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Hsv2 is still pretty common among people who are sexually active, it's just less common than hsv1 overall.

 

Honestly herpes isn't as bad as people make it out to be, for most people they never show any symptoms. Also after the first outbreak it's never as bad.

 

 

Omei stds aren't something you put on your dating profile. I'm sure if you got herpes you'd feel different. It's not really appropriate date talk either...

Edited April 10, 2015 by barcode88

[Omei]

 

 

 

 

Omei stds aren't something you put on your dating profile. I'm sure if you got herpes you'd feel different. It's not really appropriate date talk either...

 

Not saying it should of been in his profile im saying he should of mention it first meeting straight up not date for weeks and then bomb drop it when it comes time to be initmate, for most its a deal breaker.

 

A person shouldn't be sucked into caring about someone then be forced to make a difficult decision because they didnt bring it to the table when they embarked to me that is unfair and a form of entrapment where now the person who was kept in the dark will fight between their liking for that person and their ideal partner.

 

And if I had herpies id be straight up no I wouldnt feel different because I wouldnt lead a guy on only to have him dump me later id want to move forward knowing it wasn't an issue for him without fear hell dump me later when ive developed feelings.

Edited April 10, 2015 by Omei

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Not saying it should of been in his profile im saying he should of mention it first meeting straight up not date for weeks and then bomb drop it when it comes time to be initmate, for most its a deal breaker.

 

A person shouldn't be sucked into caring about someone then be forced to make a difficult decision because they didnt bring it to the table when they embarked to me that is unfair and a form of entrapment where now the person who was kept in the dark will fight between their liking for that person and their ideal partner.

 

And if I had herpies id be straight up no I wouldnt feel different because I wouldnt lead a guy on only to have him dump me later id want to move forward knowing it wasn't an issue for him without fear hell dump me later when ive developed feelings.

 

If I talked about STDs with a girl on the first date, the date would be over pretty damn quick, because I'm insinuating that we're going to have sex at some point. You just don't do that.... Waiting until RIGHT BEFORE you get intimate is more appropriate, because you trust each other more at that point. What STD's you have isn't every first/second date's business, that **** is private.

 

Honestly most people don't even know they have it - and I think the people that DO know just keep their mouth shut since there's such a negative stigma about something that isn't even that bad. Who wants to live a sexless life because they keep disclosing their herpes and everyone runs for the hills? It's not like its life threatening like HIV (which would be wrong to hide).

[Omei]

If I talked about STDs with a girl on the first date, the date would be over pretty damn quick, because I'm insinuating that we're going to have sex at some point. You just don't do that.... Waiting until RIGHT BEFORE you get intimate is more appropriate, because you trust each other more at that point. What STD's you have isn't every first/second date's business, that **** is private.

 

Honestly most people don't even know they have it - and I think the people that DO know just keep their mouth shut since there's such a negative stigma about something that isn't even that bad. Who wants to live a sexless life because they keep disclosing their herpes and everyone runs for the hills? It's not like its life threatening like HIV (which would be wrong to hide).

 

Well thats your perspective but when im looking for a potential partner I assume sex will be involved at some point and id prefer not to be suckered into caring for someone with a dealbreaker if a guy told me first hand id seek out the pros and cons and educate myself before making a choice, if a guy told me right before getting inimate after weeks of time and growing close together there would be zero consideration and id dump him immediately just for not being honest again thats entrapment allowing someone to develop feelings in hopes it will be overlooked.

 

Its not about if it's appropriate conversation for a first date its about allowing you partner to develop feelings for you without a secrect some things need and must be discussed no matter how comfortable the person your dating should have a right to decide if its something they can take on within a relationship without trickery as I said before when this happens to people it becomes a huge burden for them to have to explain to someone who now cares for them that they can't continue.

 

 

The only thing hes doing by waiting till the very last moment is potentially wasting massive amounts of time with partners who cant accept this. If he tells them straight up any girl who is willing to move forward can do so knowing what shes walking into and hell less likely be dumped over it.

 

Op has feelings for this guy now but no doubt shes now fighting herself in her mind if it would be easier just to find someone else and how her choice will effect him, that was unfair.

 

You're still going to have a sexless life no matter when you disclose the information now or later ultimately its the other partner who has to decide if they're willing to accept so you might as well not dick around.

Edited April 10, 2015 by Omei

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Well thats your perspective but when im looking for a potential partner I assume sex will be involved at some point and id prefer not to be suckered into caring for someone with a dealbreaker if a guy told me first hand id seek out the pros and cons and educate myself before making a choice, if a guy told me right before getting inimate after weeks of time and growing close together there would be zero consideration and id dump him immediately just for not being honest again thats entrapment allowing someone to develop feelings in hopes it will be overlooked.

 

Its not about if it's appropriate conversation for a first date its about allowing you partner to develop feelings for you without a secrect some things need and must be discussed no matter how comfortable the person your dating should have a right to decide if its something they can take on within a relationship without trickery as I said before when this happens to people it becomes a huge burden for them to have to explain to someone who now cares for them that they can't continue.

 

 

The only thing hes doing by waiting till the very last moment is potentially wasting massive amounts of time with partners who cant accept this. If he tells them straight up any girl who is willing to move forward can do so knowing what shes walking into and hell less likely be dumped over it.

 

Op has feelings for this guy now but no doubt shes now fighting herself in her mind if it would be easier just to find someone else and how her choice will effect him, that was unfair.

 

You're still going to have a sexless life no matter when you disclose the information now or later ultimately its the other partner who has to decide if they're willing to accept so you might as well not dick around.

 

What I meant is if you bring it up before you're intimate, like REALLY early, she thinks you want to have sex with her right away. Girls don't like this, they bitch about it on LS everyday.

 

If herpes is a dealbreaker for someone you're cutting out 80% of the population, because yup you can get HSV1 (oral herpes) down there too

 

Better think twice before you let the next guy go down!

Edited April 10, 2015 by barcode88

[lovesickgirl]

Omei,

 

Let's break down a month...

 

A typical month has 4-5 weeks

Which is 30ish days

 

He told me after 14 days.

I could never be that ****ing brave to tell something THAT personal to anyone in less than a month let alone someone I have a crush on.

[Toodaloo]

I carry hsv-2.

 

I take my 500mg of Valtrex daily. The chances of me transmitting it to my partners are 0.05% to none. I have had my shares of partners since I got this and I have never transmitted it. I rarely, and I mean rarely get rejected for it.

 

Listen, it's no big deal. Herpes is not going to kill you, shorten your life or put you in a wheelchairs. It's the same virus as chicken pox. Your guy may never have an irruption in his life, like me. 25% of adults carry hsv-2. We just happen to know we have it. By the age of 40 80% of population has hsv-1.

 

Have you ever had a sore on your mouth? that means you have hsv-1. If you have the type one you are then 40% immune to type 2. How old is your guy? Older you are less contagious it is.

 

If you want more details you can write me in private.

 

Hon, love is hard to find. If this man rocks your world don't let an occasional sore come between you 2. Just educate yourself on the matter.

 

I actually love this post.

 

I have a very good and dear friend who has herpes. She found out just after she started sleeping with her now husband. After 8 years of marriage and a very active sex life he still does not have it.

 

I had a viral STD. I caught it from the ONLY man I have slept with with out condoms. We were in a committed relationship and were also using other methods of birth control. I was only the 4th person he had ever slept with and he had been married to the other 3. Wife 2 had been sleeping around behind his back... And this folks is why you have to go so careful and get tested between relationships regardless of if you think anything is "wrong" down there!!!

 

OK so I am fine now and will not pass it on to anyone but it has left damage.

 

This guy has been open and honest. He will know how to deal with his condition to protect you from getting it.

 

Its your decision but herpes is not a deal breaker for me. It will make me careful to ensure that we do not pass it on but it is not going to stop me if the guy is fantastic.