bachdude Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Looking back over the years, and reflecting on my many mistakes and few successes, I have come up with this list of what I understand women to want in a man. Much of this knowledge I have learned the hard way! So I am certainly not saying I do this perfectly, or even well. I have in mind what women want from a man in a long term relationship, not necessarily after a few dates! For what it's worth, here it is.... Pardon the length! Love A man who loves and adores her heart. A man who is loyal to her above everyone else, including his best friends, and if it comes down to it, even his own mother, especially his own mother!! A man who sees her as his favorite person to spend time with. A man who thinks of her when they are not together and does little things to show this. A man who makes her the top priority in his life. A man who sees her on her worst days, yet sees the best in her. A man who treats her sweetly and kindly, even when she is being "difficult". Connection A man she feels comfortable and safe with. A man she feels comfortable sharing her deepest secrets with. A man who not only listens to what she says but pays attention to how she feels about what she is saying, and communicates that to her (I.e. "Hon, you seem down about that"). A man who knows what to do for her to feel heard on an emotional level. A man who is tuned into her emotionally. A man who knows how to respond to her emotions in helpful ways. A man who gives her his undivided attention when she is talking to him. A man who remembers what she says. A man who notices and remembers what she likes and doesn't like. A man who listens to her without problem solving, judging, lecturing, taking other peoples sides, and especially doesn't insinuate she is overreacting, unreasonable or "crazy". A man who notices any change in her physical appearance such as hair, make up, and clothing. A man who takes the time to get to know her on a deep level and understand her. Romance A man that romances her, even after 40 years of marriage. A man who continues to date her and treats her like he did when the relationship was new. A man who knows what to do for her to feel special. A man who knows how to plan dates. A man who gives gifts that show thought and planning, especially ones that show he knows what she likes. A man who can make her laugh. A man who is playful with her on occasion. A man who can be affectionate without the need for sex A man who is physically attracted to her. "Manly" qualities A man who is confident yet has ego in check A man who is secure, not needy or clingy. A man who doesn't take it personally when she is having her "time of the month". A man who knows how to let little things slide without getting bent out of shape. A man that can give her space when she needs it without being insecure about it. A man who doesn't get his feelings hurt easily. A man she can tease without him taking it personally. A man who treats her gently yet has backbone with her if need be (yet done lovingly) A man who has healthy boundaries who doesn't allow others to walk all over him, including her. A man who demonstrates self control. Character/personality A man with goals and healthy work ethic. A man she finds "interesting". A man who is kind, especially to her. A man who is dependable. A man who does what he says when he says he is going to do it, especially when it is something he promised her!! A man who shows ethical integrity A man who isn't controlling. A man who takes care of himself physically. A man who is clean and neat. Honesty A man who is utterly truthful to her Relationship skills A man who can put his ego aside and listen during conflict in such a way that she feels heard. A man who gives assurances that he is committed to her during conflict and doesn't withdraw from her. A man who puts effort into making the relationship work. A man who takes initiative to work on problems in the relationship. A man willing to work on himself for the sake of the relationship. A man who isn't afraid to admit when he's made a mistake. A man who can give a sincere apology when he's messed up A man she doesn't have to spell out everything she would like him to do in the relationship. 10
autumnnight Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 You may be the first man I have ever seen on the internet that has it right AND isn't complaining about it.. Do you have a single brother? Lol 7
Tayla Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 well put together list. What prompted this desire to share here? I find it an interesting perspective . to be honest, Both male/female can learn much from this and practice some of them. I do not subscribe or expect some of them, yet I can see how some folks consider them their wants. 3
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I think you have your list spot on. I admire your self reflection. You will certainly make some woman very happy 4
todreaminblue Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I also respect your perspective....i would have to say as another poster said women coudl learn too from this list..... this is a list for a perfect partner man or woman.,......what an unstoppable enduring relationship that would be if both practiced everything in your list.....so close to perfect......awesome....deb 2
Donate Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Women have no idea what they want. They only know what they DON'T want. 1
Tayla Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Women have no idea what they want. They only know what they DON'T want. Care to share your thoughts on what specifically the OP wrote that creates your deep desire to be contrary? Noticed you seem to post in a rather negative way and am curious What base this comes from? 2
Donate Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Care to share your thoughts on what specifically the OP wrote that creates your deep desire to be contrary? Noticed you seem to post in a rather negative way and am curious What base this comes from? Just posting from my past experience
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I disagree Donate. I've always known what kind of qualities I value and don't value in a partner. I've just been waiting to see how that would materialise. I don't think your comment really helps this thread whatsoever. 4
Donate Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I disagree Donate. I've always known what kind of qualities I value and don't value in a partner. I've just been waiting to see how that would materialise. I don't think your comment really helps this thread whatsoever. Sorry it does not perpetuate idealistic beliefs but it remains my real lived experience. Besides giving someone everything they want in a relationship does not guarantee it will last longer imo. I think people should spend more time thinking about what they want to give rather than what they want.
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Sorry it does not perpetuate idealistic beliefs but it remains my real lived experience. Besides giving someone everything they want in a relationship does not guarantee it will last longer imo. I think people should spend more time thinking about what they want to give rather than what they want. There is no guarantee to a relationship though. But being compatible and understanding what makes one another gives it a good shot. Of course we should make ourselves happy, but we should also work to help our loved ones be happy also.
Author bachdude Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Thank you for the votes of confidence! i was very interested to hear peoples reactions, especially women on this forum. As to what prompted my desire to share this list...good question.... I think that after some tough relationship situations, including a divorce, something clicked, and I started to notice patterns, in retrospect. Women, I realized, were saying pretty much the same things about my relationship tendencies! Surprise! Probably for most of the points I listed, i could give you a story of how I messed up. Anyway, I started making this list a couple months ago for myself. Where I used to be so frustrated by women, and had similar attitudes towards women as Donate, now I genuinely enjoy learning how woman think and I feel I've learned a lot from them. I think as I've gotten a little older, I've become a lot more relationship minded than i used to be. So I thought I would put my list out there and see people's reactions. It is just a list as i have reflected on what women in my life have wanted from me. Perhaps some will be helped and learn from my mistakes and experiences! 3
Weezy1973 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I wonder if women could put together such an insightful list as to what men want...
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Good list, I back it up as it's accurate...however I Pepsi challenge you to make one half as long for men that actually hits on good points Not to take away from your efforts as you did a good job creating a solid list, but it's not terribly difficult to make a list of what women want. Women WANT everything of course, but in reality settle for or even offer themselves much less. How often do you hear a woman talking about how much more she should expect from herself and is disappointed in what she lacks as relationship material? it's always about the men and what he didn't do or isn't, the focus is always on him. Show me a woman that is self-critical, self-aware and responsible and accountable for all of her actions and inadequacies as a partner...and I'll show you my pet alien with 3 butt holes. I'm just saying, if a woman compelled you to make this list because you felt inadequate or she criticized your behavior or what you lacked, so you felt motivated to figure it out and put a large amount of effort into what women want so you can be the perfect idedal guy...just remember it works both ways, you don't have to be a slave to another woman's laundry list of expectations in a man, and you don't have to meet their expectations just to be the perfect guy in their eyes...don't be fake for the sake of a woman's fantasy of an ideal man. Don't try to meet all these expectations all of the time, because you simply cannot...you will exhaust yourself. I do believe that women need or expect too much from men, and that's because many want or expect them to fulfill everything they lack in their lives, basically the Walmart of their needs and everything should be readily available and provided by their one stop shopping center...but don't forget you deserve to receive something in return as a man for your efforts, as not all women are as wonderful themselves as partners or very far from it. 1
Author bachdude Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Good list, I back it up as it's accurate...however I Pepsi challenge you to make one half as long for men that actually hits on good points Not to take away from your efforts as you did a good job creating a solid list, but it's not terribly difficult to make a list of what women want. Women WANT everything of course, but in reality settle for or even offer themselves much less. How often do you hear a woman talking about how much more she should expect from herself and is disappointed in what she lacks as relationship material? it's always about the men and what he didn't do or isn't, the focus is always on him. Show me a woman that is self-critical, self-aware and responsible and accountable for all of her actions and inadequacies as a partner...and I'll show you my pet alien with 3 butt holes. I'm just saying, if a woman compelled you to make this list because you felt inadequate or she criticized your behavior or what you lacked, so you felt motivated to figure it out and put a large amount of effort into what women want so you can be the perfect idedal guy...just remember it works both ways, you don't have to be a slave to another woman's laundry list of expectations in a man, and you don't have to meet their expectations just to be the perfect guy in their eyes...don't be fake for the sake of a woman's fantasy of an ideal man. Don't try to meet all these expectations all of the time, because you simply cannot...you will exhaust yourself. I do believe that women need or expect too much from men, and that's because many want or expect them to fulfill everything they lack in their lives, basically the Walmart of their needs and everything should be readily available and provided by their one stop shopping center...but don't forget you deserve to receive something in return as a man for your efforts, as not all women are as wonderful themselves as partners or very far from it. Thanks for your support. My main motivation for this list I created isn't to be the ideal guy for someone else, but to have a good relationship with a woman, over the long haul. To do this is going to not only take effort but knowledge. This is born out of my own experiences. You get older you get wiser. Most of what I wrote is simply, if I say so myself, good relationship skills. Try being married and choose loyalty to your own Mom over your wife and see how it turns out! I made that mistake! Not pretty! After being super busy for two weeks because of work, try choosing spending time with your buddies instead of your own wife! GOOD LUCK! Try being critical and using some harsh words with your wife and see the damage it does. See what happens when your wife feels ignored or not listened to, etc... Women want to feel loved, and there are certain things we can do as men that help that. And why not? And maybe woman are right, if we do really love them, won't we have our loyalty with them, want to spend time with them, think about them, listen to them? And why not cultivate connection? Isn't this the point? Yes, some of the things on my list are not a big deal to most women, like noticing a new hair stye. They just enjoy it when their man notices so I included it. So you may not disagree with what I just wrote. I just want to clarify my motivation for the list. And, BTW, did you see how several women who posted here said that these would be good things for both men and women to do in relationships? Many women are self reflective. 3
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Thanks for your support. My main motivation for this list I created isn't to be the ideal guy for someone else, but to have a good relationship with a woman, over the long haul. To do this is going to not only take effort but knowledge. This is born out of my own experiences. You get older you get wiser. Keep in mind that a lot of men on here are men who struggle with relationships or women in general, therefore a long list like that can be taken as just another laundry list of expectations that they must meet or exceed in order to be adequate partners, one that may feel hard to meet for many inexperienced men. It can seem daunting for them looking at that list...although as predicted well received by women on the forum, as those men would expect. Most of what I wrote is simply, if I say so myself, good relationship skills. Try being married and choose loyalty to your own Mom over your wife and see how it turns out! I made that mistake! Not pretty! After being super busy for two weeks because of work, try choosing spending time with your buddies instead of your own wife! GOOD LUCK! Try being critical and using some harsh words with your wife and see the damage it does. See what happens when your wife feels ignored or not listened to, etc... Your wife might be important, but you only get one mother. Your mother changed your diapers, fed you and raised you up to be able to be the man you are. She didn't leave you out in the forest, or the trash can because it was tough and she was overwhelmed or stressed. Assuming she was a decent mother, a lot of selfless years dedicated to your life. While it may be important to prioritize your wife, she also needs to be understanding of your relationships with your mother I don't know your situation, but some women are selfish and what you did in another woman's eyes may not have been an issue of conflict for another...some women are just extremely jealous and controlling. No thanks on dating your wife! she doesn't sound like my type. I'd rather be with a woman who gives me my space and is understanding when I'm overworked. If she takes everything as criticism and is unable to have a conversation or communicate about something in order to improve the situation, count me out of that as well. I don't know how you were as a husband, but maybe you did ignore or not listen to your wife, maybe that's why she gave you such a hard time as was uncooperative...who knows, but at least you've learned from it and are hopefully divorced now Women want to feel loved, and there are certain things we can do as men that help that. And why not? And maybe woman are right, if we do really love them, won't we have our loyalty with them, want to spend time with them, think about them, listen to them? And why not cultivate connection? Isn't this the point? Well...there are certain things everyone needs to do to express and show love, and different people need it shown in different ways. And there are also times where men need to be understood and heard as well, it is not all about fulfilling a woman's needs. There are women out there that have no idea how to manage or operate that balance, they need the men to set the pace and the tone, and if you lack confidence or management of that properly they will sense your weakness and give you a hard time over it. You must know what your boundaries are and what you are able and capable of giving, you must think sensibly...stretching out to meet a woman's every need is going to leave you feeling drained, especially if her needs and requirements for love and attention are insatiable and she's really trying to cultivate a love for herself within herself, by holding onto you. Believe it or not, you cannot fulfill a woman's every need, it all depends on the type of woman you are with. The more secure, and self-fulfilling that woman is, the less she will need from you and the more she can embrace and experience what you have and can share together. If you have this mentality with every woman, you overlook the balance in a relationship which is key, and if you dedicate and commit yourself to only fulfilling her every aching need, I guarantee you in the end you will not succeed, nor will you cultivate a closer relationship. You need sensible boundaries and healthy expectations. Something your wife may have been unable to negotiate. Yes, some of the things on my list are not a big deal to most women, like noticing a new hair stye. They just enjoy it when their man notices so I included it. So you may not disagree with what I just wrote. I just want to clarify my motivation for the list. And, BTW, did you see how several women who posted here said that these would be good things for both men and women to do in relationships? Many women are self reflective. Those things are always nice if you notice them, but she has to have that emotional bond with you to take those compliments and that attention to heart and not every woman will appreciate it the same. A lot of guys have the expectation that they will receive something in return for their gestures and kindness, which can lead them resentful and bitter for the lack of appreciation and disregard for their efforts. Yes I've seen the response of women....however all these things are not universal, nor would a man require or necessarily benefit from the same things on the list or even a list half that long, what men need is rather basic comparatively and definitely on the more superficial level...it is not universal although well intended. For example: Men need tend to have other needs, like more personal space and time for hobbies and doing "guy things" with male friends...where a woman on the other hand may require no personal space or reflection, or have any kind of personal hobby, and feel that everything must be done together as much as possible as everything is about the unit...therefore a new hobby means something that involves their partner, and feel that guy time is a thing to be jealous or tolerant of. If you notice how a lot of women date, have relationships, and marry, their "self-reflection" is derived from their own opinions, or emotions about something which at times can be wildly different and have no sensible pattern. Therefore when you ask women about their relationships they speak in a "we" form, whereas men tend to speak in an I form or address something individually to his wife. It's a different state of mind, women want to be reflective, but based on projected feelings and as a benefit to their relationships...not typically unto themselves as individuals. Finally as a man, I can make a lot of great points and you will absorb and consider them at least...whereas with a woman, she has already shut off her mind as soon as she read something she didn't like. 1
Emilia Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 ...whereas with a woman, she has already shut off her mind as soon as she read something she didn't like. Not quite. 2
StanMusial Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Kind of presumptuous to say you know what all women want don't you think? With that being said, most of this is completely taken for granted by some women. I have heard it with my own two ears, women actually saying stuff like this is "expected" or "all the usual stuff". LOL. There is a huge gap between what we WANT and what we NEED. Why do you think so many women are hung up on total losers? 1
Toodaloo Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I wonder if women could put together such an insightful list as to what men want... Swop the genders round to the list, add regular physical connection and I am sure you will get there...
Author bachdude Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Kind of presumptuous to say you know what all women want don't you think? Read again. I said, "what I understand women to want in a man". 1
thefooloftheyear Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Looking back over the years, and reflecting on my many mistakes and few successes, I have come up with this list of what I understand women to want in a man. Much of this knowledge I have learned the hard way! So I am certainly not saying I do this perfectly, or even well. I have in mind what women want from a man in a long term relationship, not necessarily after a few dates! For what it's worth, here it is.... Pardon the length! Love A man who loves and adores her heart. A man who is loyal to her above everyone else, including his best friends, and if it comes down to it, even his own mother, especially his own mother!! A man who sees her as his favorite person to spend time with. A man who thinks of her when they are not together and does little things to show this. A man who makes her the top priority in his life. A man who sees her on her worst days, yet sees the best in her. A man who treats her sweetly and kindly, even when she is being "difficult". Connection A man she feels comfortable and safe with. A man she feels comfortable sharing her deepest secrets with. A man who not only listens to what she says but pays attention to how she feels about what she is saying, and communicates that to her (I.e. "Hon, you seem down about that"). A man who knows what to do for her to feel heard on an emotional level. A man who is tuned into her emotionally. A man who knows how to respond to her emotions in helpful ways. A man who gives her his undivided attention when she is talking to him. A man who remembers what she says. A man who notices and remembers what she likes and doesn't like. A man who listens to her without problem solving, judging, lecturing, taking other peoples sides, and especially doesn't insinuate she is overreacting, unreasonable or "crazy". A man who notices any change in her physical appearance such as hair, make up, and clothing. A man who takes the time to get to know her on a deep level and understand her. Romance A man that romances her, even after 40 years of marriage. A man who continues to date her and treats her like he did when the relationship was new. A man who knows what to do for her to feel special. A man who knows how to plan dates. A man who gives gifts that show thought and planning, especially ones that show he knows what she likes. A man who can make her laugh. A man who is playful with her on occasion. A man who can be affectionate without the need for sex A man who is physically attracted to her. "Manly" qualities A man who is confident yet has ego in check A man who is secure, not needy or clingy. A man who doesn't take it personally when she is having her "time of the month". A man who knows how to let little things slide without getting bent out of shape. A man that can give her space when she needs it without being insecure about it. A man who doesn't get his feelings hurt easily. A man she can tease without him taking it personally. A man who treats her gently yet has backbone with her if need be (yet done lovingly) A man who has healthy boundaries who doesn't allow others to walk all over him, including her. A man who demonstrates self control. Character/personality A man with goals and healthy work ethic. A man she finds "interesting". A man who is kind, especially to her. A man who is dependable. A man who does what he says when he says he is going to do it, especially when it is something he promised her!! A man who shows ethical integrity A man who isn't controlling. A man who takes care of himself physically. A man who is clean and neat. Honesty A man who is utterly truthful to her Relationship skills A man who can put his ego aside and listen during conflict in such a way that she feels heard. A man who gives assurances that he is committed to her during conflict and doesn't withdraw from her. A man who puts effort into making the relationship work. A man who takes initiative to work on problems in the relationship. A man willing to work on himself for the sake of the relationship. A man who isn't afraid to admit when he's made a mistake. A man who can give a sincere apology when he's messed up A man she doesn't have to spell out everything she would like him to do in the relationship. That's it??? TFY 4
Imported Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Sounds like queef circle and OP is in the center.
thefooloftheyear Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Women want what they can't/don't have..... TFY
dreamingoftigers Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Women have no idea what they want. They only know what they DON'T want. :sick:
GorillaTheater Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I'm so close ... Another 2 or 3 or 15 bullet points, and I'd be right there. 5
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