rockyrockerson Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Hello all. I was trying to figure out who I could talk to about my impending break-up (I'm in a new-ish city so my closest friend is six hours away and almost as busy as I am) when I decided that a forum might just be the best place. Where else will I find hundreds of people that have already done this or can at least relate? My issue isn't about whether I should end things with my long-term live in boyfriend. I've already went through this over and over. It's inevitable. I don't know how it took me 2 years, but I'm finally realizing that we just aren't compatible. He gets upset with how busy I am (graduate student) and I'm less than happy that he is quite content to talk about ambition, but he has no motivation. We don't communicate well as in he doesn't understand my jokes/gets very defensive when I make jokes. I also tend to not understand him (how did this happen???) He's extremely negative and immature (at 37!). It feels more like I'm his mother than his girlfriend. Anyway, things must end. I know that there is someone out there that is more compatible for him than I am and vice versa. We've had several talks over the past 5 months or so. It usually ends with him promising to change things. That was fine in the beginning when I thought it was just small stuff (like him not doing his laundry), but now that I've realized how big of a problem this really is, I know we need to have the final talk. The problem is I don't know how or when to do it. He finally found a job (after four months of being unemployed) that won't start for another week or so which means he doesn't have much money. He owes me almost $2000. When I was accepted to grad school, he moved here to be with me so he doesn't really have family in the area. The rental agreement is in both of our names so that isn't a problem. All of the stuff is mine (aside from his clothes and maybe one of the kitchen knives). And now that I'm typing this out, I realize that all of these things aren't my problem. My problem is that I do still care for him. We may not be right for each other, but I still worry how he'll get by. I just need some words of encouragement or stories from those that have been there. I've read a couple of forums and it seems that most of the time it's the woman that packs up her bags and leaves. Well, that's not an option as he could never afford the rent by himself. He's getting back from a trip to visit his family this evening. It's been so nice being alone for the past week that I'm dreading his return. I keep trying to decide when to do it and how to do it. It seems mean to break up with someone after they've been traveling all day. *sigh* And this is what I've been doing all day. I'm tired of repeating all this crap in my head. Replies would be very much appreciated.
badpenny Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Here's your problem (and this IS your problem): It feels more like I'm his mother than his girlfriend My problem is that I do still care for him. We may not be right for each other, but I still worry how he'll get by. Quit mothering him. He's 37. By all means worry for him, but don't let that stop you from doing what you know you should have done 2 years ago. Worrying about him, is fine. Worrying FOR him is unacceptable. he's just going to have to pull his big boy pants on now and deal with his own shortcomings, instead of having you mop up after him, rub his knee better and stroke his head. How he gets by - or will - is his problem. Not yours.
seminoles84 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 He's a grown man. You need to do what is best for you! I probably wouldn't break up with him the day he returns but I'd have the talk within the next week.
ZiggyZoo Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I'd write out what you want to say to him ahead of time. Not to necessarily read from, but so you can get your thoughts together and make it as smooth as possible. I've broken up with someone who wasn't bad per se, just not who I wanted to be with. And it was tough, maybe not as tough as getting dumped, but hard in its own way. It was awful knowing that I was hurting someone I cared about. But the alternative is to drag it out, you getting more and more upset and irritated with the situation, until some small little fight escalates into a break-up and the poor guy is wondering what happened. I felt in my situation, and in yours too, that the relationship and my partner both deserved more respect than that. Good luck, it's never an easy decision, but it sounds like you've thought about it plenty to know it's what you want to do. I'd make it quick and clean, know what you want to happen ahead of time (how long until he has to leave, repayment plan, etc) and just do it. And when all is said and done, STAY AWAY from him. Just look around here at all the dumped whose exs will periodically check in to see how they're doing, and how hurtful it can be. It'll be hard, and you will feel bad at times, but let him grieve. FWIW, I ran into my ex a few months ago, and while we weren't hugging and overjoyed to see each other, he was fine. I'm glad I did it how I did, there were minimal hard feelings involved.
Author rockyrockerson Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Here's your problem (and this IS your problem): Quit mothering him. He's 37. By all means worry for him, but don't let that stop you from doing what you know you should have done 2 years ago. Worrying about him, is fine. Worrying FOR him is unacceptable. he's just going to have to pull his big boy pants on now and deal with his own shortcomings, instead of having you mop up after him, rub his knee better and stroke his head. How he gets by - or will - is his problem. Not yours. You are so more than right. I really have a big problem with mothering people (my ex also wanted to be taken care of). I know exactly where it comes from, but that doesn't make it any less of an issue. I thought that this time I had found someone who was independent, but boy was I wrong. He really was quite independent at first...I don't know if I brought out the baby in him or if the neediness was just hidden away. Thanks for the words. It's all good advice. I gotta stop thinking about this as if I'm just springing it on him. He's had plenty of warning. And he is a grown man after all. 1
badpenny Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Be tactful, and don't lose it, but just be forthright. Above all, be determined, and don't go back on any final ecision. It's not so much an ultimatum as a "This IS how it's gong to be." Don't apologise (well, not excessively...) As you said, it's not as if you're springing it on him. You're sorry if it's come to this, but you're not sorry for sticking to your word, and putting into action what you've often stated. be firm, set a final date, and tell him this is how it's going down. Accept no excuses or pleading bartering, bargaining or compromise. This is not the time. Hey, you know, even in Nature, mothers eventually willfully detach from their young. It's for everyone's good.
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