justwondering_xoxo Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) I'm fresh out of a very unhealthy relationship of more than 3 years with frequent nasty fights and break ups. I'm 22 now. We met when I had just turned 19,my first year in uni. He's 4.5 years older than me. It wouldn't be fair to blame it on our relationship but I feel like I've changed a lot as a person, for the worse. In 3 years I've turned into a bitter misanthrope, I miss how cheerful I was before. I've come to realise three years too late that I should have made more friends earlier. My bf didn't really like any of them and I didn't have the sense then to not drift away from them and spend all my time with him instead. I just realised I'm left with zero guy friends because my boyfriend used to hate it and there were several embarrassing incidents where he'd call/text them and ask them to 'stay away' Whatever close friends I have are the ones from school. But I study in a different city and I haven't made any solid friendships here because I made the mistake of focussing only on our relationship. It's my last year here and it's incredibly lonely because it seems everyone has their own groups. I feel like a misfit because I talk regularly to hardly a couple of people, and the fact that one girl is constantly with me all the time makes me annoyed with her behaviour at times . And I try my best not to show it because it's not her fault. It's my fault for not making more friends. I'm trying to keep my distance from her so that I don't get annoyed further but it's counter productive because that would just mean I'll end up literally alone. I don't really feel close to her so she isn't someone I'd feel comfortable discussing my break up with. It feels terrible to not have a support system. I don't like being stuck with the same person all the time, I'd love to be part of a group, but that isn't an option now. All I want to ask is, do you'll know of any break-up coping strategies when you're alone, have no friends to fall back on? The only friends I have are several hundred miles away and it's comforting to talk to them over the phone but day to day life feels like I'm a social outcast. I don't want to make the mistake of going back to my bf out of loneliness. Every day I think of him almost every other moment. When will this feeling, if ever, go away? At a point we were both certain of spending our lives together. I miss being with him. Did you ever face a break up when you had no friends, and did you recover? How? I'd really appreciate any insight or advice. Thanks Edited April 9, 2015 by justwondering_xoxo
amaysngrace Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 He use to tell your friends to stay away from you? That's messed up. He sounds very controlling. And if that's the case then you should probably seek counseling to deal with the aftermath of being in an emotionally abusive relationship. Most people who are fresh out of one are more damaged than they even realize so I'd focus on you for right now. PS I'm glad you're not with him anymore.
Ruby65 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I think it's fairly common for people to find themselves without a lot of friends after a breakup -- mostly because, when you're so intensely wrapped up in just one other person, it's easy to ignore friendships and let them wither.... and stop making new ones. Now you can really spend some time cultivating friendships into your life and make sure the next time you fall in love, you don't ignore your friends so you never find yourself in this situation again. In the meantime, you can use online sites like this for support! People here and on other sites like it can be your friends for now. Instant support system from people who've been there and get what you're going through. No worries. A breakup is actually a great time to go back and revisit old friendships. And you can make new friends, too. Try checking out Meetup.com for events in your area to meet people who like to do the same activities as you. Another great way to make new friends is volunteer for a cause you really care about. My personal favorite: volunteering to walk dogs and play with the cats at a local no-kill shelter. A breakup is like losing one of your wisdom teeth... for a while, there's going to be this huge gap in your life, but in time it fills in with new friendships, new activities, and eventually another (and way better!) boyfriend. Here's a guide that will help you with healing: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com Good luck -- and keep posting! 1
ZiggyZoo Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 You're at school, right? There should be plenty of groups to join. I'd say pick one you're interested in and go to a meeting or two. I always grow a lot post-breakup because I make a point to do things that I've always been interested in, to keep myself busy. Its normal to feel a little out of place, you've gone from a "we" to a "me" overnight.
Author justwondering_xoxo Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Thank you for your kind words amaysngrace and Ruby65. It is comforting to hear that it's not uncommon for people to find themselves almost friendless after investing so much time in a serious relationship. Thanks for link you posted. I'd seen it earlier (during one of our many earlier 'break-ups') but it was helpful to go through the site again. And you're absolutely right, if anything, this relationship thought me the importance of solid friendships. Although right now I feel I'll die alone and friendless, like I can never make friends again nor be in a relationship, I'm certain I'll never make the mistake of constantly prioritising a man above friendships ever again. 1
Author justwondering_xoxo Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) I always grow a lot post-breakup because I make a point to do things that I've always been interested in, to keep myself busy. Its normal to feel a little out of place, you've gone from a "we" to a "me" overnight. It was comforting to read this, makes me feel less hopeless. Thanks for posting. Edited April 9, 2015 by justwondering_xoxo
Seeker12 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Hey justwondering, you sound like you are in a similar position that i was in, im also 22. I mutually broke up with my ex at the beginning of this academic year (final year now), and i had done the exact same thing, just focussed on us instead of other friends to be honest and was very content. Once the relationship was over i was hit by loneliness and a feeling of oh crap, so what i did was get involved with societies at university, i honestly have had a lot of fun, without rebounding etc. made a lot of amazing friendships, and have even confided and gained support from some of my mates.
HowMightI-live Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 This is wild, im in the same exact positioon as you. Im 2l, in school and friend less. i too stopped interacting with all of my friends once me and my ex started dating. It was always mostly just me and her for 3 years until it ended. it was then that i realised that i didnt really have any friends anymore. Everyone had either moved away or moved on. These last couple of months have been a new experience really. For the first time in my life im without a social group or another half. Things are rather quiet these days and sometimes it can get lonely. But i feel more in tune with myself then i ever have in my whole life. There are bad days but most days i feel like i know myself and i trust myself and the universe is looking out for me. I see a therapist once a week just to sort out my thoughts for that week. I exercise, mediate, read, write. i would suggest all these things.I keep busy in productive ways; ways that will benefit and help me to grow as a person. I would also suggest joining school groups and clubs and seeing where that leads. But dont try to become to busy with socializing that you forget to check in with yourself because there is no one that needs you and deserves you more then you.
Stercrazy Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 To answer your question yes. There is life after love because I know I will fall in love again.
Author justwondering_xoxo Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 (edited) Thanks for posting, Seeker12 and HowmightI-live I can't believe we're in such similar positions. I felt like a misfit because I know very few people my age who've been with the same person for more than a year so there isn't really anyone I can relate to. So it's easy for me to get into a mindset where I regret ever getting into this relationship and all the time and peace of mind forever lost. But It's somehow inspiring to see both of you ensure your lives stay on track and haven't let the break up or the relationship destroy you as I was about to let it do to me. I hope all of us come out of this as stronger and wiser people and not waste the most productive years of our life obsessing over a lost cause. In a way it's a good thing to experience this sooner than later, at least now I know the importance of friends and having a full life outside of your partner. I don't want to look at these 3 years as a waste of time as much as I want it to serve as an experience that I learned immensely from. P.s. Here's an article about making friends after a break-up, it might seem obvious but it's helpful nonetheless https://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2012/12/04/how-to-make-friends-after-a-breakup/ Edited April 10, 2015 by justwondering_xoxo
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