barrelwave Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Whoa! Stop right there and change your mind set. Dating is about 'do I like him/her' not about 'does he/she like me'. Swap it around and see whether said date/person adds to your life as well as deciding whether you like them, The more clingy needy your mind set it the more it'll show - and honestly it shows on here and particularly in your last post. I really agree with Gemma on this one. Don't make texting and hanging out with him the utmost priority all the time. Work on yourself and you'll attract the right person. And that person's going to stick around.
Author singme2sleep Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 I really agree with Gemma on this one. Don't make texting and hanging out with him the utmost priority all the time. Work on yourself and you'll attract the right person. And that person's going to stick around. I appreciate the advice from everyone, I do. It's just that I've been hurt before and I always try to keep my guard up. This guy just walked into my life and I really started to like him. Now I feel like I'm screwed because things were going so well.
lana-banana Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Yeah, that last line sounds like he's ending things. I think if his language had been different you could ask for another chance, but "very smothered" means just that. Delete his number and remember to keep your interest reciprocal. If he doesn't text you all day, you shouldn't try to text him all day.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 How much texting are we talking about here? Were you blowing the guy's phone up texting him all day every day? If so, he has a right to tell you to back off a bit. But in a lot of cases when anyone says that they're feeling "smothered" it's because they're projecting their true lack of interest. When someone likes you, they actually like hearing from you. So, here's what you do. Demote him to a back up position. This means no contact on your end, and only respond to texts/calls from him. In the mean time start dating other guys and see if you can find one that actually appreciates you more. If this guy starts to prove himself by reaching out more, setting up more dates, etc then you can start to focus on him again more. However, assuming you were just being a bit enthusiastic with texting, I don't think he'd be complaining if he were actually interested.
KatZee Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Is being overzealous and in someone's face normal for you though? I guess that is the real question. THIS is the question you need to address. Some people behave the way you behave. And there are guys out there who love this type of behavior. Then there are other guys who are put off by it. (Your guy). You need to see if you two are fundamentally compatible. Is this your normal behavior? Do you normally, no matter who you've ever dated in the past, behave this way? Yes, you can "pull back" and act "normal" and give him space at this point, but the issue with that is this: People don't REALLY change. You may pull back for a little bit, and then wind up comfortable again and do the whole smothering, too many calls, too many texts thing. One of my ex's was just like you. I told him he was smothering me just like your guy told you. He "changed" for a short while, and he always went right back to his smothering behavior. Who you TRULY are, just doesn't go away. And the issue with my ex was this: His confidence I would assume took a beating when I told him he was too smothering. He backed off, and then when he was comfortable again, he got even WORSE. So with each time I told him he was too smothering, he'd back off, then came back even more smothering. It was as if he knew he was losing me and was then holding on even tighter. I had to break it off. Who he was, was not compatible with who I am. Independent, I need my space, I need room to breathe, I don't need to speak to anyone I'm dating on a daily basis. In fact, days could go by and I wouldn't really even notice.
KatZee Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 But in a lot of cases when anyone says that they're feeling "smothered" it's because they're projecting their true lack of interest. I have to agree with this too. Everyone who has ever annoyed me with being too aggressive, too clingy, too smothering, too in my face, has always been someone I wasn't really interested in.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I have to agree with this too. Everyone who has ever annoyed me with being too aggressive, too clingy, too smothering, too in my face, has always been someone I wasn't really interested in. Yep. A person only becomes "clingy" when you start losing interest in talking to them. However, I am a firm believer that space is paramount in a relationship. So even though I know my GF would love to hear from me every day, I space out how often I contact her. As of right now, I see her 2x a week in person, and will initiate a few brief calls a week. We saw each other Tues night and talked briefly about what we wanted to do Sat. So I didn't talk to her yesterday, and will give her a quick call tonight in between clients to touch base and finalize Sat. Then I give her space Fri, and talk to her in person when I see her Sat. There's a delicate line between being a constant presence and a clingy one. 1
KimmyBee Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I appreciate the advice from everyone, I do. It's just that I've been hurt before and I always try to keep my guard up. This guy just walked into my life and I really started to like him. Now I feel like I'm screwed because things were going so well. Been there, done that many times. It is a real turn off to people. I've lost potential BFs, even friends, because of it. It's as if you're seeking confirmation that he is still interested. It's all down to self esteem. Work on that and you won't feel the need to text so much. You'll have other things to do and you'll know that he'll still be interested if you don't talk for a few hours... and if he isn't then you'll find someone else.
Frank2thepoint Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 It's about balance not about showing enough investment. If a woman stays in the receptive mode, she is doing her job in terms of showing mutual interest early on. She should "up" her show of interest after a little while so that the man doesn't feel as though he's doing all the work all the time, of course. If in the first month the guy is stressing because he feels like he's doing all the work, he isn't paying attention to the fact that she has been receptive. If I'm reading this correctly, you're suggesting that a woman should never initiate contact with a man she's interested in, at least in the first month?
preraph Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I have to disagree with the theory that if you like someone, they can't be too clingy or smothering. Not at all true. There is such a thing as very unattractive neediness and just as you get sick of a toddler constantly grabbing you and demanding attention, you get doubly tired of a person doing that. It becomes a parent/child or sibling/pestery sibling dynamic and that's not at all conducive to romance. I love my dogs more than anything, but sometimes when I'm trying to get something done, them following me everywhere drives me up the wall. I did have a bf like that once a long time ago. It was his only flaw that I uncovered, but it was enough of a dealbreaker that I had to cut him loose. He would follow me to the bathroom, for God's sake, and I couldn't get up and go get a drink out of the fridge without him following me. Different from today's texting, for sure, but just saying, too much of anything is too much! 3
Syberia Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 If I'm reading this correctly, you're suggesting that a woman should never initiate contact with a man she's interested in, at least in the first month? I'm a guy, and this is dumb. I would be happy with a woman initiating contact with me no matter what point in the relationship it is - at the same time, I think the "games" men and women play are counterproductive and consider myself lucky to have found someone who feels the same. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I have to disagree with the theory that if you like someone, they can't be too clingy or smothering. Not at all true. There is such a thing as very unattractive neediness and just as you get sick of a toddler constantly grabbing you and demanding attention, you get doubly tired of a person doing that. It becomes a parent/child or sibling/pestery sibling dynamic and that's not at all conducive to romance. I love my dogs more than anything, but sometimes when I'm trying to get something done, them following me everywhere drives me up the wall. I did have a bf like that once a long time ago. It was his only flaw that I uncovered, but it was enough of a dealbreaker that I had to cut him loose. He would follow me to the bathroom, for God's sake, and I couldn't get up and go get a drink out of the fridge without him following me. Different from today's texting, for sure, but just saying, too much of anything is too much! Clingy or smothering in terms of someone never leaving you alone. However, I've had GF's that would send me a few texts daily and it didn't bother me. Now on the other hand, if they were texting me all day long, not waiting for me to respond, etc that would be clingy and smothering. That's funny about your dogs. But they're clingy by nature. If you want a pet that makes you work for affection and that leaves you alone, cats are the way to go. Then again, I've never been a cat lover. There was only one cat that made an impact on me back when I was at my old residence. One of the coolest, most loyal animals ever. But it belonged to my landlord and I couldn't take it with me. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I can't until he texts again, I already gave my reply and now more than ever I have to be the opposite of smothering. How did you respond? And how often were you texting/calling?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 How did you respond? And how often were you texting/calling? Yes, OP, can you provide some context? How many times a day were you contacting him, and what was the nature of your messages and calls?
sydneysider1978 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Let's flip this OP. You like frequent and easy communication with a boyfriend. If he has an avoidant attachment style or needs lots of 'space' maybe he's not quite right for you. I had a relationship once where I had to dial down my communication and I always felt like I was on eggshells. It look a lot of emotional energy to give the guy what HE needed (days and days of space) to sustain the relationship. I'm not needy or clingy. I just like to chat and have minimal need for alone time Everyone's different and it works so much better when your need/want for contact are similar. Good luck!
veggirl Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 yeah how much were you texting / calling? Honestly I think he's done w/ you and his text was a goodbye text. Once you've made an EARLY impression of clingy / needy / over the top, it's very hard to overcome.
Author singme2sleep Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 How did you respond? And how often were you texting/calling? I apologized and said I would like a chance to please explain my actions. It was mainly one day of texting like almost 20 short texts throughout the day. Was his text really a goodbye message?
Author singme2sleep Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 I came on here for advice and I do appreciate everyone's input but at the end of the day my guy is the only one who has the answers.
veggirl Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I apologized and said I would like a chance to please explain my actions. It was mainly one day of texting like almost 20 short texts throughout the day. Was his text really a goodbye message? 20 short texts w/o a response?! Did he respond to your apology? If not he's done.
katiegrl Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I apologized and said I would like a chance to please explain my actions. It was mainly one day of texting like almost 20 short texts throughout the day. Was his text really a goodbye message? singme2, you can apologize until hell freezes over, but I don't think it will change the outcome, unfortunately. I mean, this was not a long term relationship wherein he knows you, loves you and could chalk it up to your having a bad day or something. You have only been dating one month. This is still the "getting to know you" stage and feelings are still developing. It doesn't sound like he is *mad* at you....he is simply *turned off* - BIG difference. He may have been into you when you first started dating, but became turned off after time. The day you went a little bonkers sending 20 texts was probably the straw that broke the camel's back ... so to speak. Once feelings die like that (if they were even there in the first place)...it's difficult, if not impossible, for them to re-ignite. Now that you have apologized, it's time to pull back and go no contact. If he ever had feelings for you, perhaps he will miss you. I would not count on that though, but anything is possible. But in any event and no matter what happens with *this* guy, huge lesson learned for next guy. Be a cool chick and chill. It's okay to reach out, but for the love of all things beautiful, WAIT for him to respond before sending another. Let him wonder about you and give him a chance to miss you! Be responsive and receptive but let him come to you. Like I said, it's perfectly okay to initiate a short text, but don't be clingy and if you are feeling insecure and anxious, keep those feelings to yourself! Sorry you are hurting though...yeah it sucks. But again lesson learned, so all is not for nought. Good luck going forward... ((hugs)) 1
Gary S Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 For best results, you are going to have to be strong. Do not initiate contact with this man, wait until he does, and then mirror him - if he sends you a text, you respond with one text. I don't care if it takes a week or more. Playing hard to get doubles interest.
katiegrl Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 For best results, you are going to have to be strong. Do not initiate contact with this man, wait until he does, and then mirror him - if he sends you a text, you respond with one text. I don't care if it takes a week or more. Playing hard to get doubles interest. No, don't "play" hard to get. That's a game and games DON'T work. Just stay busy, go out with friends, maintain your independence, don't be clingy, be light, breezy, happy and relaxed... while at the time, be responsive and receptive to him, and he will be putty in your hands! It might take some practice, but once you see the difference in how men respond to you, it will all be worth it!
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I apologized and said I would like a chance to please explain my actions. It was mainly one day of texting like almost 20 short texts throughout the day. Was his text really a goodbye message? Holy moly...did he respond to any of those texts? That's an awful lot, OP. What were your messages about? You say you want to explain your actions - what is the explanation for that?
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2015 Posted April 11, 2015 Holy moly...did he respond to any of those texts? That's an awful lot, OP. What were your messages about? You say you want to explain your actions - what is the explanation for that? Ya what were in those texts. If you were whining about things that were troubling you.....then you need to get a hobby.
Recommended Posts