I've broken up with gf and I'm completely depressed, alone and dejected.

[Wopwednesday]

I've broken up with gf and I'm completely depressed, alone and dejected. Please help

 

I initiated breaking up with my ex about 3 Saturdays ago (3 weeks ago) however, the breakup was sorta mutual. We had a long argument the prior Friday evening when I texted her asking if I could spend the night. Not only did she decline, but she also said I would not be spending the night anymore because of her kids possibly waking up and coming to her bedroom and seeing me there etc. Also she accused of only wanting to sleep over to have sex with her which is furthest from the truth. Anyway we argued, I was extremely pissed that my gf of four years who I loved deeply and have done so much for thinks that I only want to have sex with her. That argument went out of proportion where she said some very hurtful things which I felt was worthy of a breakup at the time. She basically told me that having me around hindered her from focusing on her main priorities which were her children, that I'm too emotional and that she's not willing to change anything on her part or meet me half way to appease my needs because she felt that I want too much . I told her that she is unfair by reminding her of how much I constantly do for her and she told me that she doesn't me need me for anything, how when I'm gone it will hurt her but she's experienced being single blah blah blah, that I always want to be talking to her on the phone or seeing her which is not true.

 

She also accused me of going crazy when I don't get what I want and how I'm selfish by not recognizing that she's a single mother and wanting so much of her time. I always feel like she engages with me when she ready for me, then parks me like a car until she's ready for me again and if I want attention or affection then she accuses me of wanting too much of her. I find it funny, when it comes to me being there for her, she's never "too busy with the kids" for that.

 

This has always been problematic in the last 9 months of our relationship because I always felt that I did anything she wanted, went where she wanted, supported and helped her with so much and my needs were always in the background. She made me feel like I was too needy and I really started to feel very unappreciated and taken advantage of but I loved her very much and I believed she loved me deeply too so I stayed around. So after that Friday evening argument, she didn't text me back til late night pretty much baiting me saying if I'm not happy then I should take the steps to fix it and she would be fine to whatever I chose. I suggested breaking up, I really didn't mean it and didn't want to but I felt like if I hindered her from doing what she needed to which was very hurtful to hear because I help her with a majority if things she needed to do, and that nothing that I want will be compromised even sex, the what's the point of us being together if I'm not being considered?

 

Well I sent her my thought in a text which she didn't reply to til early Saturday morning because she asleep. She called me in the morning and we argued some more and she told me she's happy with how the structure of the relationship and I'm the one with the problem and if I'm not happy I should leave it. Again, she said that she's not gonna even try to meet my needs because she giving me the little time she has. So I said then let's end it then because it's not fair. She always said I always play the role of the victim which I didn't do purposely but if someone feels used, they can't help but to feel like they're getting done unfairly.

 

It sucked because we had a trip coming up to mexico later this month which was already fully booked and financed that we had to cancel. She paid for it initially from her savings but due to her being unemployed, I agreed to reimburse her once I was paid. That Saturday, I had to go see her to repay her and bring all her belongings back that I had been keeping. It was sad and I was sad. She's always been very head strong and stubborn. She texted me exactly a week after the breakup which I hadn't communicated during that time saying I can cancel my plane ticket and use it on a later date to go whoever I want via some wired American airline policy. I said ok. I texted her the following Thursday because I had been hurting all week and I expressed to her how much I loved her and that I want her back and how was sorry and all that stuff which was 100% true.

 

She was cold to me. Told me that she was not mad at me or hate me but she's done and that our relationship of unstable emotions is not what she want and that it's best if we continued without contact "for now". I felt so horrible hearing the woman who constantly told me how much she loved me say that. The woman who told me that I was the mostly loyal person and friend and ever had, the person that was there for her the most all the time every time without hesitation. I cried. That was last week and I'm still so hurt and depressed.

 

I see on her on instagram looking so happy in her photos or pretending to. It seems like she's been going on dates or something because of the way she words her captions. When I check her feed to see the photos she's been liking, she had been liking photos of guys I always knew she was attracted to especially during our relationship. I'm just so hurt as to how she's not hurting at all or missing me like the way I do her. I just remember all of the times we spend together and the thought of her being with someone else just kills me. Before thus breakup which I think is think is the last straw, we already broken up and gotten back together twice since last November. We decided that we should really try hard this most recent time but it ended again so I'm thinking at this point that we'll probably never click because our wants and desires are not the same. I still love her though and do anything to get her back despite out incompatibility issues.

 

I know this is a long one but let me give a little more info and a bit of history to help to clarify my situation.

 

She also always accused me of always throwing what I do for her in her face when I don't get what I want. I definitely never intended to do that but I think she's selfish and often forgets that I have needs too so i'd bring that up. I understood that she's a single mother of two daughters and both the fathers are deadbeats but still, if she's in a relationship, she needs to open to compromise. I was so good her. Financially, mentally. I supported her, I loved her children, they had a great relationship with me, I cleaned her house all the time. Loved her deeply. As far as history goes, we've known each other for 4 years. Dated for about half the time. We broke up and got back together I would say 8-9 times since we've met probably more but we always loved each other. However, last June was the first time where we fully committed to each other and we broke up last October because of these same problems I mentioned earlier.

 

Last summer was amazing I'm crying as I write this because I really loved her. You could only imagine all the things I've done for her and her children. I always felt like I was close to the bottom of her priority list because she went to Mexico last august for 3.5 weeks and barely contacted me. Which she blamed on being away with her family and not wanting to have to think about coming back to deal with all the problems she left behind and the fact that the internet source was shotty were she stayed during the visit.

 

She accused of being needy and wanting to hear from here all the time while she was gone but I don't think that's the case. Like I said before I always felt that she wants a relationship where she chooses when she ready to engage with me and when she doesn't. I even signed up for a vonage international account just to call her in Mexico just to hear from her. She have had abusive relationships in the past where she had to get a restraining order and that guy, also facing to raise 2 kids on her own dealing with the heart break of those men walking out in her also so I believe those scars make it very tough for her to function in a relationship.

 

I got my set of issues too and I'm not perfect in anyway but I never abused I've always loved her, treated her like gold and I just feel like it was never enough. After a while I felt that I wasn't good enough for her and got insecure and jealous because she would always make fun of the way I dressed. I'm not a fancy dresser in anyway lol and I got really sick of her jokes after a while. Sometimes I just wished she was sweet and affectionate instead cracking jokes just be sweet to me. She said she loved me deeply but I felt like her actions didn't show it. I got insecure and I started to snoop around checking her things and I lost all trust in her because she would constantly text other men. She said it was nothing but I had every right to be skeptical based on some if the things I read. I even snooped in her emails where I find that the summer prior to last summer, she cheated on me many times where she talked about in conversation with her gay friend in google chat. I never liked that dude.

 

Anyway tell me what you think I know it was a super long one but I just wanted to provide all info. I am no saint in any sense of the word and I don't want to paint her as a bad person because I'm sure she had a lot of valid criticisms about me but please just help me with advice on moving on. I'm really really hurt. Thanks. Pardon the bad grammar but I'm all over the place mentally.

Edited April 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Poppyolive]

Sorry you are hurting. Its great that you've posted here. So much wonderful advice & knowledge.

 

I'm really surprised you were together 4 years. Have these issues always been a problem? Both of your needs are not being met, deeming you an unmatched partnership. Its too bad she wanted you to do all the work. I sense she may of been pushing you away.

Right now, you've broken up with her and you have to get your head around that. Give her space to grieve the relationship and move on.

 

You have to respect her wishes. You can't make someone love you and be with you. But you already knew that. Be kind to yourself.

[d0nnivain]

I skimmed your post because it was so long.

 

Sadly, I think this break up was something she's wanted for a while. It all just finally came to a big, messy, ugly head & you got hurt.

 

After the end of a lengthy relationship like yours you are going to feel upset & lost for a while. You have to push through it but still experience the grief in order to heal. Surround yourself with positive people. Pack up all the momentos and put them away. Save all the OL photos & such to a single file & "hide" that from yourself. Personally I'd put it all on a flash drive & then put that drive in the box of stuff. Rearrange your living space so less reminds you of her.

 

You will heal in time. Best wishes.

[Karin2rinkashi]

Like the above guy said, it was too long so i skimmed through it.

 

But what i noticed was a lot of accusing you, a lot of things she was bringing up all of a sudden that you didn't see were there. Because she probably never mentioned before. Or, at least, were not worth just ending the relationship.

 

When they start accusing you of things that DID NOT matter before, or DID NOT exist before, or DID NOT exist at all, but they just started talking about them out of the blue.....

 

Well, all i can say is....

 

BRACE YOURSELF! WINTER IS COMING!!!!

 

Yes, they get cold and have decided to move on. All those accusations are just for their own justification....

 

Like they say "Whatever helps you sleep at night" And so they justify their mindset by all these things that were not a deal breaker before....

 

Sorry mate....

 

Between, by any chance, was she someone with a lot of self esteem issues? or low self respect?

Edited April 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[rockyrockerson]

I agree with others that this really sounds like she was ready for a fight that would lead to breaking up. It sounds like you two just weren't compatible. What you thought was attentive, she thought was needy. I think that if you hold on to her, you're just going to keep hurting yourself.

Breaking up is rough, but sometimes it's the best thing to do.