theseaofred1982 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) We work in the same building for over a year. She was unhappily married for 2.5 years at the time to a porn and video game addict and I was single. I was very open about myself. I told her my dating habits and all my adventures. 6 months later she decided she had enough with her marriage so they separated and we became intimate right from the start. She said I was the best of what ever had. From sex to kissing to the kind of effection I give her. Apparently she had feelings for me for awhile now and I felt the same. Things moved way too fast and my feelings for her was so overwhelming; it scared her a bit. She said she doesn't want anything serious, she just want to enjoy her single life and have fun. So we became friends with benefits. Both of us caught feelings and it felt more like a relationship. She continued living with her husband but they're still going through divorce. Out of nowhere she withdrew and stop communicating with me. I went on NC mode. Two weeks after NC she told our close friend she misses me, she has feelings for me and she keeps thinking about me. So she initiated the contact. My problem was as soon as she initiated the contact I couldn't help myself but tell her how I truly felt. I don't want to be just friends with benefits, I want more. She said she felt like we moved way too fast and she can't give me what I want right now. She just wants to be friends. WTF!? So I agreed, I don't know if I should've, but I want to be there for her. Although I did feel like her psychiatrist while we were seeing each other. We went out to the bars as friends the other day and had a blast. Since she just wanted to be friends I decided to flirt with a hot woman to see her reaction. She said she was happy that I did that. Plan backfired? She's drop dead gorgeous 9/10 perhaps and every single d*cks in the bar had their eyes on her. What did I signed up for? I know and I can tell she has feelings for me still and we have such great time whenever we hangout. Should I go NC again to show her what she's missing? I feel like I just need to completely move on, but it seems like it douchebag move since I agreed to just be friends. It's hard since we see each other at work. Should I go NC? would it be okay to respond to her text briefly, but stop hanging out with her? I do want her back, but I don't know if it's completely ruined. Edited April 9, 2015 by theseaofred1982 more info
badpenny Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 First of all, let me emphasise that NC is not a way to stimulate renewed interest to get them to come running. Secondly, friendship is absolutely utterly impossible when two people want different things - and clearly, you are way more invested than she is. So, providing you understand that going NC means that - 100% and complete - you will have to decide whether you want to go complete NC in order to save your sanity and face this is going nowhere, or keep torturing yourself masochistically, by continuing to be her 'friend'.... The fact you are colleagues you might think may complicate matters, until you realise that the NC guide was originally penned by someone who also worked with his ex GF. He managed it fine, and she - the dumper - came off worse... The more you stick your hand in the fire, the more it will burn. But hey, you might like a bbq'd wrist. Up to you, but in your shoes? I'd cut my losses, quit pining and wishing your life away, get a grip, take charge of your life - and move on. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 We work in the same building for over a year. She was unhappily married at the time and I was single. I was very open about myself. I told her my dating habits and all my adventures. 6 months later she decided she had enough with her marriage so they separated and we became intimate right from the start. She said I was the best of what ever had. From sex to kissing to the kind of effection I give her. Apparently she had feelings for me for awhile now and I felt the same. Things moved way too fast and my feelings for her was so overwhelming; it scared her a bit. She said she doesn't want anything serious, she just want to enjoy her single life and have fun. So we became friends with benefits. Both of us caught feelings and it felt more like a relationship. She continued living with her husband but they're still going through divorce. Out of nowhere she withdrew and stop communicating with me. I went on NC mode. Two weeks after NC she told our close friend she misses me, she has feelings for me and she keeps thinking about me. So she initiated the contact. My problem was as soon as she initiated the contact I couldn't help myself but tell her how I truly felt. I don't want to be just friends with benefits, I want more. She said she felt like we moved way too fast and she can't give me what I want right now. She just wants to be friends. WTF!? So I agreed, I don't know if I should've, but I want to be there for her. Although I did feel like her psychiatrist while we were seeing each other. We went out to the bars as friends the other day and had a blast. Since she just wanted to be friends I decided to flirt with a hot woman to see her reaction. She said she was happy that I did that. Plan backfired? She's drop dead gorgeous 9/10 perhaps and every single d*cks in the bar had their eyes on her. What did I signed up for? I know and I can tell she has feelings for me still and we have such great time whenever we hangout. Should I go NC again to show her what she's missing? I feel like I just need to completely move on, but it seems like it douchebag move since I agreed to just be friends. It's hard since we see each other at work. Should I go NC? would it be okay to respond to her text briefly, but stop hanging out with her? I do want her back, but I don't know if it's completely ruined. She needs to get her head on straight. I'd tell her that you want more and she isn't in a position to go to that level and you want to move on and then go no contact. You're worrying about being a douchebag because it might hurt her. It's not your job to manage her emotions. It's your job to worry about you and how going down this road will affect YOU. Not only that, she is still married and living with her husband. If things don't go "right" moving forward, you will be portrayed as a douchebag anyway. Her cutting off contact in between is also a sign that either they are attempting to reconcile and/or he found out about her relationship with you. In which case, he may be able to use that against her in the divorce proceedings and cause more acrimony. 1
Author theseaofred1982 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 She did say she SHOULD give her husband a try, but the last time we spoke and to this day I know for fact they're getting a divorce.
Redhead14 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 She did say she SHOULD give her husband a try, but the last time we spoke and to this day I know for fact they're getting a divorce. theseaoffred, if they are divorcing, the crux of this matter in the long run, is that she will be "fresh" out of a marriage. I don't care how unhappy she was in it, it will take a long time to process it effectively enough to attempt another relationship. Save yourself the heartache and being her psychiatrist afterward. It's very difficult to watch someone you care about deal with these kinds of things. It will take quite some time for her to be able to even consider a serious relationship. She said it herself a number of times to you and she suggested you could date someone else. Her attachment level to you is weak at best. You sound like a caring, sensitive man. But, make sure you're caring and sensitive for yourself as well 1
Mrin Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) Here's my advice. I want you to close your eyes and think back to last week when you went out as friends. I want you to imagine one of those other guys in the bar coming over and flirting with her. Maybe it is the guy with the arms bigger than yours. Or the guy with the better car. And she flirts back. She's giving him the green light and you know it is the green light because she used to give it to you. You cool with this situation? Can you see yourself ever being cool with this situation? If the answer is yes then by all means, be her friend. But if the answer is no, then you shouldn't be her friend. At least not now. Sit her down, tell her politely and firmly that you can't be friends with her. Just too many feels and emotions. That you need to say goodbye. Wish her well on her divorce and in life and then walk away. Just going NC all of a sudden or becoming distant brings no resolution, no finality. One other thing you should know: people going through a divorce become insanely self absorbed and probably rightfully so. They have this Hell that they're going through and can see nothing else on the other side except freedom. You don't represent freedom. You represent something else but it isn't freedom. Doesn't feel like it. I know for your side you think you represent a warm, compassionate person with whom to build a relationship. But from her side that feels confining and honestly, putting the cart way ahead of the horse. Edited April 9, 2015 by Mrin 1
smackie9 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 When a person is fresh out of a relationship/marriage/they are starved for affection and attention, anything looks good on the menu....and that was you. This is a typical rebound relationship. She got her fill of you and she's now ready to heal and move on. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 You were her rebound. You were the hot guy who gave her comfort & stroked her ego as she healed from the end of her marriage. You felt like her shrink because in part you were. Now that she's stronger she doesn't need you any more. You can't be "friends" with her when you want more. To so do only hurts you. You don't have to go NC. You can still say hello & chat if you bump into her but you can't go out with her for drinks after work, you can't have long chats on the phone etc because you will drive yourself nuts . Trying to be her friend will only get you a front row seat to her next relationship until her new guy realizes you have seen her naked & demands she drop you, which she will do. 2
deathandtaxes Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 she's still married and living with her husband. and still living with him while going through a divorce? somebody in this situation is not serious about the divorce. what you want, you're not gonna get from this one. you're an affair partner. 1
Gary S Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 She's on the rebound, and you are the rebound guy. When people are on the rebound, they are not relationship material. Sorry you found out about this the hard way. 2
Author theseaofred1982 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Absolutely no hope? Perhaps losing hope might be the best thing that can happen. FML 3
Satu Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 There is absolutely no future for you with this woman, not as a friend, not as a lover. If you want someone look elsewhere.
BlackOpsZombieGirl Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 You were her rebound. You gave her everything she needed at the time she was going through her marital problems. You gave her attention, you gave her sex, you gave her validation, you gave her affection and you were her distraction. Whether she divorces her loser porn-loving gamer husband or not, you should definitely WALK AWAY from this one....post haste. She'll need a LOT of time to sort out her feelings and to heal from her divorce. You deserve BETTER than that! You deserve to date a woman who is in a good place spiritually and emotionally. I know you really like her and want to be with her, but there is NO FUTURE with this woman. You can stay friends with her if you really want to, but I'd advise against that. You should just make a clean break with this troubled and confused woman. And go NC...indefinitely. It's the best way. . 2
preraph Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 That's a tough position to be in. Honestly, I think the best chance of having anything with her in the future is to totally back out of her life right now, and tell her you just don't want to only be friends or FWB. Be clear you want a real relationship but that clearly her marriage isn't over. She hasn't left him and she may not leave him. It is going to take a while for her to get through that. Even if she leaves him tomorrow, it is still months and months for it to be over. Leave her, get off her Facebook and don't torture yourself, and ask her not to call unless and until the divorce is final and she is ready for a real relationship.
Gary S Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Listen to BlackOpsZombieGirl You'll find a new girl, no problemo.
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