Mrin Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 This is something that has been rolling around in my head for a while and I just thought I would toss it out to the group. The question is: is feedback from friends on a new romance an asset or a liability? The answer is of course: both/either. But let's dive deeper into this... I'm only talking about a woman's female friends. Dudes do such a piss poor job of authentically sharing their feelings with other bros as to render the point moot. I can't tell you the number of times that I've seen a woman's female friends essentially sabotage or spike a blooming relationship with their advice or feedback. I'll give you a few examples: 1. Last summer, a female friend of mine had an amazing date with a guy she met on OLD. She called me up all bubbling over. The guy was a perfect gentleman. They had an amazing time together. They had agreed to go out again the following weekend. Fast forward three days later when we chatted and she was full of self doubt. Morose even. And was getting ready to back out of the second date. I asked her what had happened in between then and now and she talked about all of the feedback she had received from her friends. None of it was directly negative but they all parsed every word, every second of their first date and filled her with all sorts of doubt. I told her she was crazy and that she should absolutely go on the second date. Now, 9 months later the two of them are engaged and blissfully happy. 2. About a month after I met my soulmate/GF, she was gushing about us to a female friend of hers. The female friend was downright negative. Almost advocating a "if it feels too right, it must be wrong" line of reasoning. My soulmate was stunned and confessed that she all of a sudden started to have all sorts of doubts about us. Her friend came back to her about a day later and apologized, basically saying she was projecting her own dissatisfaction in her marriage and that she was happy for her. Fast forward to now, we too are blissfully happy. 3. About two years ago another female friend of mine was in a budding 3 month relationship. Things were going well but the two of them ended up having an argument about communication. She had gone on a girls camping trip shortly thereafter and came back resolved to end it with the guy. What had happened was what you would expect - she shared it with all of her girlfriends, they psycho analyzed the situation to death and by the end of the trip had collectively concluded that she should dump the guy. Meanwhile, the guy had spent the weekend reading Love Languages and when she came back was ready to discuss and resolve their communications issue. She would have none of that and dumped him. A year later she was crying into her Merlot one night with me lamenting her choice to pre-maturely end it with the guy. I talked her through her reasoning and she eventually said, I didn't want to but I had decided with my girlfriends that I should break up with him and didn't want to look weak going back on that decision. Who knows whether that was a good decision or not - but the fact remains, she made the decision for the wrong reasons - peer pressure. Anyhow, I freely admit that for every one of these stories there is another story where a woman's female friends saved her from a catastrophic relationship. That's kinda how it works right? A "no" will always prevent a bad relationship. If you never, with 100% certainty, want to be in a bad relationship, then never get into a relationship at all. But how many good relationships have been "avoided" based on this same logical fallacy. 2
BluEyeL Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 In my experience, female friends, with a couple of exceptions, were negative. They had their reasons, nothing to do with me. They just didn't want to lose me as a single friend and have someone else compete with them for my attention. I dumped both of them. One was making my life hell before even having a boyfriend, she just did want me to date at all. The second one was rude to my boyfriend and asked me straight to dump him because he's supposedly boring and I'm better looking than him. And I dumped her instead. I'm sorry, i may be a stereotypical friend who dumps friends for men, but I put a ton of time and energy into finding a partner at my age, Nd whoever doesn't support me, can very well go to hell. I'm keeping the reasonable, supportive female friends, and I habe quite a few of those too. 1
DivorcedDad123 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 This probably happens more times than not,but in my case, my gf wouldn't have gone out with me again had it not been for her friend. She had talked herself out of it ,based on my past. Her friend helped her look at it in a different light without ever meeting me,but just based on apparently them analyzing every detail. lol
Diezel Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 My girlfriend actually has quite a great assortment of friends. The thing is, most of them are OUR friends because we were in the same social circle together. That makes ALL the difference in the world. That and she has a strong head on her shoulders, so she would know to weed out all of the negative information. Unfortunately, I've seen it not work out so well in other cases in previous relationships. I've seen a lot of projection. Or jealousy.
Author Mrin Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 In my experience, female friends, with a couple of exceptions, were negative. They had their reasons, nothing to do with me. They just didn't want to lose me as a single friend and have someone else compete with them for my attention. I dumped both of them. One was making my life hell before even having a boyfriend, she just did want me to date at all. The second one was rude to my boyfriend and asked me straight to dump him because he's supposedly boring and I'm better looking than him. And I dumped her instead. I'm sorry, i may be a stereotypical friend who dumps friends for men, but I put a ton of time and energy into finding a partner at my age, Nd whoever doesn't support me, can very well go to hell. I'm keeping the reasonable, supportive female friends, and I habe quite a few of those too. Right on! You know I actually had a similar experience with a female friend of mine. I was a couple of months into a whirlwind relationship and my friend was just this negative Nelly. It was like Chinese water torture. Drip by drip she filled me with all sorts of doubt. And that doubt manifested itself in the relationship. Within a month, I had broken up with the woman. Only then did I realize the ulterior motives of my female friend (who I was insanely close to and trusted implicitly). In a word, jealousy. In the end, it was probably for the best as I went on to meet the most amazing woman ever. But I'll tell you this - I only once consulted that female friend for advice in my present relationship and what do you know - it was the same old thing. I've since had to basically cut her out of that part of my life.
BluEyeL Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Sometimes friends can alert you about red flags, but you have to be able to distinguish between genuine care for your interests and care about their own. I had friends who did have genuine comments about guys I was dating and they were right. The two women I broke up with weren't dating and didn't want me to either. The ones who were supportive were married, had boboyfriends, or were also looking. The other two wanted to have me be like them. I mean, he's boriing and I'm hotter is not a red flag. He was quiet because she was rude and pouting.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Advice, I feel, is something that should only be taken into consideration, Never should it be a sole reason to condemn a relationship into obliteration. Advice can be helpful, but I think its very important that this be heard: The advice giver is often not responsible for the consequence of their word. Some will disagree with me and say that they will be held accountable, But the countless stories you hear like the ones above are simply insurmountable. "They had my best interests in heart" is what is often told, and that may be true, They give the advice with best intentions, but the person who it affects is YOU. 3
rester Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I've experienced my girlfriend's friends giving her advice that was not in the best interest of her, me, or our relationship. I'm not saying this is always the case, as I know sometimes they give her great advice as well, but there have definitely been a few times they've injected more than a little bit of unnecessary negativity into our relationship.
Recommended Posts