Marieclaire Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Not sure which forum this belongs in but here you go. I think this is karma for my previous behaviour. I was drunk and I cheated on my ex with guy A. My ex saw all of this. Shamefully, I ended up going back to guy A's house that night and ended the relationship with my ex the next day. He was heartbroken. I was ashamed of myself. I never thought I would cheat. I can't forgive myself for the way I have treated him. I can't get over it. Guy A was a work colleague. I guess, in hindsight, I had been having an emotional affair with him for months. I considered him a good friend and confided in him a lot. I thought he cared about me. In hindsight, all he did was to plant seeds into my relationship with my ex (making comments that made me doubt my relationship over a long time, 'does he not do that for you?' 'Theres something wrong with your relationship' etc etc), cause trouble for me in front of my ex by being extremely flirtatious, and was extremely rude to my ex. On the night I cheated, he phoned up his mate and started bragging about what he had done. At the time, I was going through an extremely rough period. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and borderline personality disorder and was in an extremely bad place. This was only hightened when the relationship with my ex broke down and my thoughts and behaviour began to spiral out of control. Guy A knew all about this before this event. Fast forward a few months. I ended up starting a some sort of 'relationship' with guy A. My friends warned me against this and told me I was making a big mistake as he's edgy, shady, not to be trusted. And as I got to know him more I began to see they were right. He's a big drinker, into violence/weapons and can behave erratically at times (such as bringing weapons into work!). He is very nice to me however, and has never given me any reason to suggest he would be violent towards me (he once made some jokey suggestion about using his gun) but I think I am overreacting on that. I have been honest with A about my feelings. I have told him I am not ready for an exclusive relationship as I am not over my ex, and I think we should stop seeing each other. He says he didn't mind me feeling like this so long as he can still see me in a physical sense (sex). Despite this, I tried to stop seeing him physically with him a few months ago as I felt like I was being unfair to him, still having feelings for my ex. However, as I previously said, I was going through a very rough time with my depression at this stage, and he was the only one who knew about it. When I tried to do this he got angry and upset, and despite what he previously told me about being OK with my feelings so long as he saw me physically, he told me he couldn't speak to me again. Feeling alone, I ended up giving in. I guess I thought I could 'buy' his friendship with sex. But at the time I didn't see it this way. I thought he cared about me and was my friend. I was still honest and open with him about my feelings. Again, he told me, so long as he could see me physically, he didn't mind about them. (nb. he had some sexual issues and said I was the only one who could 'resolve' them). A few months later and I am still in this situation. I feel weak and unable to leave but I know I should. Whilst I really care about guy A, I can't help but feel he's only in it for one thing. He seems to only give something back so as he is getting something physical out of our relationship. I don't think he really cares about me or my feelings despite the fact he pretends to. He talks to his friends about what we get up to physically and boasts about it which I hate. I have tried to walk away but each time i'm not strong enough to do so. He's pretty much all i've got. I've alienated myself from a lot of people as a result of my relationship with him. I feel so trapped. Maybe he does care and I am being silly? I just dont know anymore.
Redhead14 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Not sure which forum this belongs in but here you go. I think this is karma for my previous behaviour. I was drunk and I cheated on my ex with guy A. My ex saw all of this. Shamefully, I ended up going back to guy A's house that night and ended the relationship with my ex the next day. He was heartbroken. I was ashamed of myself. I never thought I would cheat. I can't forgive myself for the way I have treated him. I can't get over it. Guy A was a work colleague. I guess, in hindsight, I had been having an emotional affair with him for months. I considered him a good friend and confided in him a lot. I thought he cared about me. In hindsight, all he did was to plant seeds into my relationship with my ex (making comments that made me doubt my relationship over a long time, 'does he not do that for you?' 'Theres something wrong with your relationship' etc etc), cause trouble for me in front of my ex by being extremely flirtatious, and was extremely rude to my ex. On the night I cheated, he phoned up his mate and started bragging about what he had done. At the time, I was going through an extremely rough period. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and borderline personality disorder and was in an extremely bad place. This was only hightened when the relationship with my ex broke down and my thoughts and behaviour began to spiral out of control. Guy A knew all about this before this event. Fast forward a few months. I ended up starting a some sort of 'relationship' with guy A. My friends warned me against this and told me I was making a big mistake as he's edgy, shady, not to be trusted. And as I got to know him more I began to see they were right. He's a big drinker, into violence/weapons and can behave erratically at times (such as bringing weapons into work!). He is very nice to me however, and has never given me any reason to suggest he would be violent towards me (he once made some jokey suggestion about using his gun) but I think I am overreacting on that. I have been honest with A about my feelings. I have told him I am not ready for an exclusive relationship as I am not over my ex, and I think we should stop seeing each other. He says he didn't mind me feeling like this so long as he can still see me in a physical sense (sex). Despite this, I tried to stop seeing him physically with him a few months ago as I felt like I was being unfair to him, still having feelings for my ex. However, as I previously said, I was going through a very rough time with my depression at this stage, and he was the only one who knew about it. When I tried to do this he got angry and upset, and despite what he previously told me about being OK with my feelings so long as he saw me physically, he told me he couldn't speak to me again. Feeling alone, I ended up giving in. I guess I thought I could 'buy' his friendship with sex. But at the time I didn't see it this way. I thought he cared about me and was my friend. I was still honest and open with him about my feelings. Again, he told me, so long as he could see me physically, he didn't mind about them. (nb. he had some sexual issues and said I was the only one who could 'resolve' them). A few months later and I am still in this situation. I feel weak and unable to leave but I know I should. Whilst I really care about guy A, I can't help but feel he's only in it for one thing. He seems to only give something back so as he is getting something physical out of our relationship. I don't think he really cares about me or my feelings despite the fact he pretends to. He talks to his friends about what we get up to physically and boasts about it which I hate. I have tried to walk away but each time i'm not strong enough to do so. He's pretty much all i've got. I've alienated myself from a lot of people as a result of my relationship with him. I feel so trapped. Maybe he does care and I am being silly? I just dont know anymore. he told me, so long as he could see me physically, I can't help but feel he's only in it for one thing He talks to his friends about what we get up to physically and boasts about it which I hate. You are not being silly, but you are in denial. He is only in it for the sex PERIOD. Pull yourself together and get centered. The longer you continue in this the more you will alienate yourself. Do it now. Be strong. Tell him that the situation isn't working for you and wish him well. Go no contact and focus on your life and your real friends. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I think this is karma for my previous behaviour. No it's not. The situation you are in is a direct result of the choices you have made. You knew he was only in it for the sex, he told you in no uncertain terms. Yet you "gave in". Even after that he told you he has no feelings and was just after you physically. He fed you an obvious BS line about being the only one who can resolve his sexual issues. And you believed it hook, line, sinker and copy of Angling Times. He treats you terribly. It is not a result of fate or karma, but a direct result of your actions. If you want to change your situation then you need to take positive action to change it. It will not resolve itself. If you want to get out then get out. Nobody else can do it for you. 1
Author Marieclaire Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 No it's not. The situation you are in is a direct result of the choices you have made. You knew he was only in it for the sex, he told you in no uncertain terms. Yet you "gave in". Even after that he told you he has no feelings and was just after you physically. He fed you an obvious BS line about being the only one who can resolve his sexual issues. And you believed it hook, line, sinker and copy of Angling Times. He treats you terribly. It is not a result of fate or karma, but a direct result of your actions. If you want to change your situation then you need to take positive action to change it. It will not resolve itself. If you want to get out then get out. Nobody else can do it for you. I understand what you say. However, I would add that he has told me that he cares for me and does love me (though I believe he's told all girls he's been intimate with exactly that). I also do believe his sexual issues are true.
Author Marieclaire Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 He is lying to get sex. I know that seems obvious to you (and me now) as an outsider. but at the time it wasn't. He used to listen to me when I was sad, crying in his flat telling him how low I was and how I hated my life.
PegNosePete Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Yes, it's hard to see these things when you're deep in the emotion. Now that you know he's lying and just using you for sex, what are you going to do about it?
kendahke Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Well, if you keep telling yourself you're too weak to walk away, etc., etc., then you're going to be right where you find yourself 15 years from now, except you'll be older while he's chasing after someone 15 years younger who will believe this cock-and-bull story of his. Your choice. You can waste your youth behind this guy or you can pull up your big girl pants and get on with getting a grip on yourself. No one is going to swoop in and save you from this mess, so stop waiting for an outside force to do you heavy lifting. 2
Mrin Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I think you are getting some great advice here and are receptive to it. The only thing I would add is that you need to accept 100% responsibility for the mess you're in. I know you say that but then you also point the finger at The Guy for telling you what you want to hear. I would look at it differently - you heard what you wanted to hear despite the other 99% of the stuff coming out of his mouth and through his behavior that said he viewed and is treating you like a F-buddy. Accept the culpability. All of it. Because it is really quite liberating. 100% of the reason you are here is you. That's the sucky part. But 100% of the way out is also you. You are in full control. You can make the future what you want. That's the liberating part. Now go out and do it.
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 OP, you feel weak because you are in the throes of an *addiction* of sorts. Just like a drug addict, no matter how bad you know it is for you, you *need* your fix! HE is your *drug* of choice ... and even though you know he is bad for you, you know he doesn't care about you, you know he is using you, you are addicted and no matter what, you need your fix! Seek outside help to break it. You have tried on your own, and you can't. So reach out to your friends and family, and look into getting some therapy. Your emotional and mental health is at stake here. Good luck sweetie....
Redhead14 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 In order to "take a step back" from all of this, try thinking as you would if it were your sister or best friend being in this situation and coming to you for support. What would you tell her to do? I bet you'd say, "girl, get away from this guy". You would be strong for her and use some tough love on her. Do that for yourself
Author Marieclaire Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Thanks everyone. I do accept responsibility for the mess I am in and appreciate it is all my doing. However, I don't think it is as black/white as you view it to be. Whilst it is to me now, at the time it wasn't. For example, whilst he said as long as we can be physical he's happy, that was in response to me telling him that I wasn't ready for an exclusive relationship (which he said he wanted). Upon telling him, his concerns were 'we can still be physical can't we???' and 'well if I can't have you exclusively i'll just take what I can get'. Which, at the time, I viewed as a compliment that he wanted me THAT much. How naive. I need my head shaking!
LostOnes05 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 So Guy A gets on the phone and brags about being your personal chiropractor and you don't leave him immediately?? This is why you don't share intimate details of your relationship with someone of the opposite sex. You never know what their motive is...and unfortunately you let him get in your head, "sweet talk" you, while his primary intent was to get in your pants. He is a grade A manipulator. Leave him and enough of his sweet talk. I seriously can't believe he hooked you with those lines, "can we still be physical?" and "I have a problem only you can solve". [Haha, I'll have to try those out one day...I'll probably end up with a woman's handprint permanently in my face.] I give you credit for owning up to your mistake. That's a big step. You should probably leave the ex alone for a long, long while. Take time to work on yourself and get the help you need. I wish you the best of luck and get away from that loser [YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH], he is obviously a little turd that fell out of his bucket.
Author Marieclaire Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 So Guy A gets on the phone and brags about being your personal chiropractor and you don't leave him immediately?? This is why you don't share intimate details of your relationship with someone of the opposite sex. You never know what their motive is...and unfortunately you let him get in your head, "sweet talk" you, while his primary intent was to get in your pants. He is a grade A manipulator. Leave him and enough of his sweet talk. I seriously can't believe he hooked you with those lines, "can we still be physical?" and "I have a problem only you can solve". [Haha, I'll have to try those out one day...I'll probably end up with a woman's handprint permanently in my face.] Thank you for your advice. Whilst I agree with everything you say, I do believe his sexual issues are real and are a big deal for him. He had confided in me about them before anything had happened between us and I think they have had quite an effect on him. So whilst he may be all the things you say, I do feel sorry for him in that respect and believe he is being truthful. In being with him, he actually gained a lot of confidence to overcome some of these issues, which I believe was a big stepping stone. However, whenever I tried to end things with him, he was always preoccupied with what we had/hadn't done because of his issues. 'I can't believe it, I was going to do X next time!!!!'.'
Author Marieclaire Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 If you believe that I have a bridge to sell you. Whatever you think you believe, you are obsessed with the guy and the proof is in the pudding. You cheating on your boyfriend with him and you gave up your friends for him. You desire him more than you desire others. So I need to break this obsession as it is bad for me.
PegNosePete Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Marie, rather than analyzing the past and trying to work out whose fault it is, who did wrong etc, I would suggest you concentrate on the future. You can't change the past now. This guy is clearly using you. If you don't want to be used then you need to get out of the relationship ASAP. 1
Diezel Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 If you are still in this relationship after posting all of this, this is on YOU. You are NOT trapped. You DO have the power to leave it, if that is what you really want. You got manipulated, but at some point, you ALLOWED yourself to be manipulated. Take responsibility. Stop blaming karma. Own it, get out of this relationship, never cheat again. 1
kendahke Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 However, I don't think it is as black/white as you view it to be. Whilst it is to me now, at the time it wasn't. What's past is past; what was said can't be unsaid. Stop dwelling on the past: either you leave and get on with your life or you stay and remain stuck in this. That's as black and white as it gets, being those are you only two choices. You're looking for a middle ground/grey area where someone tells you something to say to him to change him into someone else who acts the way you want him to act. That's not going to happen if it hasn't already happened by now. Every step of the way in this was your choice because you were engineering an outcome you wanted. Turns out he was engineering his own at the same time. It is totally your choice to stay stuck in the past trying to assign blame to him for your choices or you accept your role in this and move on.
Imported Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I know that seems obvious to you (and me now) as an outsider. but at the time it wasn't. He used to listen to me when I was sad, crying in his flat telling him how low I was and how I hated my life. I like to think about what parts I can upgrade on my car to get more horsepower or better cornering or braking when girls are like that. Or I think about how I can improve my swimming speed and efficiency. Or I'm like, 'sweet game of thrones is starting back up!'. Of course on the outside, I'm giving you my 'I am so sad for you' face and stuff.
Redhead14 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Not sure which forum this belongs in but here you go. I think this is karma for my previous behaviour. I was drunk and I cheated on my ex with guy A. My ex saw all of this. Shamefully, I ended up going back to guy A's house that night and ended the relationship with my ex the next day. He was heartbroken. I was ashamed of myself. I never thought I would cheat. I can't forgive myself for the way I have treated him. I can't get over it. Guy A was a work colleague. I guess, in hindsight, I had been having an emotional affair with him for months. I considered him a good friend and confided in him a lot. I thought he cared about me. In hindsight, all he did was to plant seeds into my relationship with my ex (making comments that made me doubt my relationship over a long time, 'does he not do that for you?' 'Theres something wrong with your relationship' etc etc), cause trouble for me in front of my ex by being extremely flirtatious, and was extremely rude to my ex. On the night I cheated, he phoned up his mate and started bragging about what he had done. At the time, I was going through an extremely rough period. I was diagnosed with chronic depression and borderline personality disorder and was in an extremely bad place. This was only hightened when the relationship with my ex broke down and my thoughts and behaviour began to spiral out of control. Guy A knew all about this before this event. Fast forward a few months. I ended up starting a some sort of 'relationship' with guy A. My friends warned me against this and told me I was making a big mistake as he's edgy, shady, not to be trusted. And as I got to know him more I began to see they were right. He's a big drinker, into violence/weapons and can behave erratically at times (such as bringing weapons into work!). He is very nice to me however, and has never given me any reason to suggest he would be violent towards me (he once made some jokey suggestion about using his gun) but I think I am overreacting on that. I have been honest with A about my feelings. I have told him I am not ready for an exclusive relationship as I am not over my ex, and I think we should stop seeing each other. He says he didn't mind me feeling like this so long as he can still see me in a physical sense (sex). Despite this, I tried to stop seeing him physically with him a few months ago as I felt like I was being unfair to him, still having feelings for my ex. However, as I previously said, I was going through a very rough time with my depression at this stage, and he was the only one who knew about it. When I tried to do this he got angry and upset, and despite what he previously told me about being OK with my feelings so long as he saw me physically, he told me he couldn't speak to me again. Feeling alone, I ended up giving in. I guess I thought I could 'buy' his friendship with sex. But at the time I didn't see it this way. I thought he cared about me and was my friend. I was still honest and open with him about my feelings. Again, he told me, so long as he could see me physically, he didn't mind about them. (nb. he had some sexual issues and said I was the only one who could 'resolve' them). A few months later and I am still in this situation. I feel weak and unable to leave but I know I should. Whilst I really care about guy A, I can't help but feel he's only in it for one thing. He seems to only give something back so as he is getting something physical out of our relationship. I don't think he really cares about me or my feelings despite the fact he pretends to. He talks to his friends about what we get up to physically and boasts about it which I hate. I have tried to walk away but each time i'm not strong enough to do so. He's pretty much all i've got. I've alienated myself from a lot of people as a result of my relationship with him. I feel so trapped. Maybe he does care and I am being silly? I just dont know anymore. I can't forgive myself - Marie, maybe you should reflect on this statement. Are you staying in this "relationship" to punish yourself because you cheated on your previous boyfriend. It is likely that that relationship wasn't good either. You were unhappy in some way(s) otherwise you would not have cheated. Yes, it was wrong. You should have handled that differently and ended it when you realized you were unhappy. However, you can't change it but you can learn from it and become stronger as a result. Now you are in another unhappy relationship. Handle this one the right way. Be stronger than you were before and leave it. Remember this too, you have alienated some of your friends who care about you. It hurts them to see you in pain. Forgive yourself and they will forgive you. Hurting yourself sometimes hurts other people as well. Show them that you can and are learning from your mistakes and growing as a woman.
stillafool Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Why do so many young women give up their friends and let a guy become their best friends these days? I think you need to let this guy go and reconnect with your real friends. Stop dating for a while and heal from all of this bs you've been through. You do not need a boyfriend at this point.
Gary S Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I would consider counseling. There is a list of red flags that stretches from Florida to Montana here.
Author Marieclaire Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Ok. Thank you for the advice everyone. I am going to do this. I just find it so hard because in my head I accept full responsibility and have done wrong, and guy A hasn't done anything wrong. That's how it feels to me and that's why it's hard to do!
PaperCrane Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Ok. Thank you for the advice everyone. I am going to do this. I just find it so hard because in my head I accept full responsibility and have done wrong, and guy A hasn't done anything wrong. That's how it feels to me and that's why it's hard to do! It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong anymore. Everything has been done and you can't spin the world in reverse. This whole thing is as unhealthy and addicting as deep fried oreos.
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