Need here - supporting a friend or not?

[CharmieF]

Hey guys I'm new here so sorry if this isn't in the right place.

 

This isn't a topic about my own personal life (single atm) but it's about a close friend of mine and something her boyfriend does that needs to stop.

 

Firstly, please don't get the impression that I'm in any way attracted to my friend or want her and her bf to break up. We're just friends we've known each other since we were like 4 years old as our moms are BFFs and she's a cute girl and all but we're better off being friends (I took her to prom and that's it)

 

Now she's being dating this guy who I sort of know, we're at the same gym and he occasionally comes to our 5 a side soccer games, he's also good friends with a few of my other mates and I knew of him before they started dating. They've been together a while now - definitely over 6 months but can't say exactly how long. But there's something I've noticed he does whenever I happen to meet up with the two of them (fyi a group of us often get together for drinks etc)

 

He keeps commenting on how tall she is. This sounds kind of lame I know but hear me out. She's 5'9 so over average for a girl but not (in my opinion) what I would consider by any means 'huge' or 'freakishly tall.' She's always been tall but being 6'1 myself I don't really notice it perhaps? I don't know. Anyways, he's around 5'9 himself and in heels she's way taller than him, something that I don't think bothers her but I do know she can get a little self-conscious about it.

She's always told me she likes being tall/doesn't have an issue being taller than all her female friends but back when we were at school there were occasionally a couple of d-bags who would go around saying that tall girls were unattractive/less feminine yada yada yada (these guys literally stopped growing at high school and are about 5'7 now but whatever)

 

The thing is, this BF of hers keeps commenting on how tall she is. Like the other week we were all out and one of our female friends complemented her shoes and he was like 'yeah she's huge now'

The other day a group of us went for a picnic (we're cool I know ) and she had shorts on, we were all sat down and he goes 'wow your legs are actually so much longer than mine!' and shuffles over to compare with her.

Now she usually just shrugs it off, she's really non-confrontational, but I can see it bothers her, for the rest of that picnic she was sat crossed legged, and I've noticed she sort of slouches next to him now.

 

I personally think this guy has some issue with dating a girl who is the same height/taller than him and that's not my issue but do you guys think I should pull him aside next time he makes a big deal out of it? Maybe just tell him something like 'dude, we know she's tall okay but maybe chill out about it a tad' (I'll word it better I promise)

Or is this not my place?

 

let me know guys - need advice

[acrosstheuniverse]

He sounds like a douche (I'm her height and never even felt in my life like I am unusually tall, unless I'm wearing three inch heels!) but this is her problem to address, not yours. If you say anything to him you'll look like you're crazy about her or something. The absolute most you can do is ask her privately how she feels about it and be a sounding board if she wants to vent about it or go through some options of how to deal with it, but that's it. It's her relationship, if it bothers her that much then she will handle it how she sees fit. Don't try rescue her.

[CharmieF]

Thanks - yeah 5'9 isn't exactly scraping the ceiling right?

 

I know I shouldn't get involved too much but he is acting like a douche and it seems to get worse every time we meet up.

 

I was thinking instead of taking him aside 1-on-1 maybe be sarky comment instead?

Y'know like 'her legs are so much longer than mine'

'Alright dude, why don't you go stretch yours and get the next round in' - just so it becomes obvious to him that the rest of us (or at least me) don't share his bemusement.

 

He seems really dense and oblivious to people around him. Once he was bashing this dude from his work and some of his co-workers walked into the bar and we were giving him the 'shut-up dude' eyes but he just prattled on!

[Raichu]

Wow. He sounds really insecure.

 

But also, even if she was super tall, like 6'6 or something why is he comparing leg sizes? To me that's just a bit...odd!

 

Saying that, telling him so might be a bit awkward. I believe you when you say you don't have feelings for her but he might not feel the same way and then any good you do might be made redundant.

 

The sarcastic comment might work though...

[CharmieF]

PS.

 

I screwed up the post title - it's meant to be Need Advice Here....

 

Sorry - rookie error

[Redhead14]

Hey guys I'm new here so sorry if this isn't in the right place.

 

This isn't a topic about my own personal life (single atm) but it's about a close friend of mine and something her boyfriend does that needs to stop.

 

Firstly, please don't get the impression that I'm in any way attracted to my friend or want her and her bf to break up. We're just friends we've known each other since we were like 4 years old as our moms are BFFs and she's a cute girl and all but we're better off being friends (I took her to prom and that's it)

 

Now she's being dating this guy who I sort of know, we're at the same gym and he occasionally comes to our 5 a side soccer games, he's also good friends with a few of my other mates and I knew of him before they started dating. They've been together a while now - definitely over 6 months but can't say exactly how long. But there's something I've noticed he does whenever I happen to meet up with the two of them (fyi a group of us often get together for drinks etc)

 

He keeps commenting on how tall she is. This sounds kind of lame I know but hear me out. She's 5'9 so over average for a girl but not (in my opinion) what I would consider by any means 'huge' or 'freakishly tall.' She's always been tall but being 6'1 myself I don't really notice it perhaps? I don't know. Anyways, he's around 5'9 himself and in heels she's way taller than him, something that I don't think bothers her but I do know she can get a little self-conscious about it.

She's always told me she likes being tall/doesn't have an issue being taller than all her female friends but back when we were at school there were occasionally a couple of d-bags who would go around saying that tall girls were unattractive/less feminine yada yada yada (these guys literally stopped growing at high school and are about 5'7 now but whatever)

 

The thing is, this BF of hers keeps commenting on how tall she is. Like the other week we were all out and one of our female friends complemented her shoes and he was like 'yeah she's huge now'

The other day a group of us went for a picnic (we're cool I know ) and she had shorts on, we were all sat down and he goes 'wow your legs are actually so much longer than mine!' and shuffles over to compare with her.

Now she usually just shrugs it off, she's really non-confrontational, but I can see it bothers her, for the rest of that picnic she was sat crossed legged, and I've noticed she sort of slouches next to him now.

 

I personally think this guy has some issue with dating a girl who is the same height/taller than him and that's not my issue but do you guys think I should pull him aside next time he makes a big deal out of it? Maybe just tell him something like 'dude, we know she's tall okay but maybe chill out about it a tad' (I'll word it better I promise)

Or is this not my place?

 

let me know guys - need advice

 

A better way to approach is is to talk to your friend. Say something like "You are my friend and I want you to be happy. I've noticed that ____ comments on your height every once in a while and it seems to bother you. You should talk to him about it. Just tell him how it makes you feel."

You say that she is non-confrontational, but if she knows she has a friend who understands the situation and is supportive, it may make her feel more comfortable about addressing it. If he doesn't respond positively by changing that behavior after she's addressed it, at least she knows you will be there for her. Remind her that the talk with him doesn't have to be confrontational. She should say something like "I realize I'm a little on the tall side and I am somewhat sensitive about it". This is non-accusatory and non-confrontational. And, if the guy cares about her enough, he will change the behavior. If he doesn't, that's a bit of a problem.

 

Let her manage the situation. She may resent your interference and cause some problems between you and she or all three of you. Not only that, she apparently needs to learn how to manage situations that make her uncomfortable or unhappy. You doing it for her doesn't help her learn how to do that. I don't know how old she is, but if she has a boyfriend, it's time to "grow up" a little.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Redhead14

[Raichu]

A better way to approach is is to talk to your friend. Say something like "You are my friend and I want you to be happy. I've noticed that ____ comments on your height every once in a while and it seems to bother you. You should talk to him about it. Just tell him how it makes you feel."

You say that she is non-confrontational, but if she knows she has a friend who understands the situation and is supportive, it may make her feel more comfortable about addressing it. If he doesn't respond positively by changing that behavior after she's addressed it, at least she knows you will be there for her. Remind her that the talk with him doesn't have to be confrontational. She should say something like "I realize I'm a little on the tall side and I am somewhat sensitive about it". This is non-accusatory and non-confrontational. And, if the guy cares about her enough, he will change the behavior. If he doesn't, that's a bit of a problem.

 

Let her manage the situation. She may resent your interference and cause some problems between you and she or all three of you. Not only that, she apparently needs to learn how to manage situations that make her uncomfortable or unhappy. You doing it for her doesn't help her learn how to do that. I don't know how old she is, but if she has a boyfriend, it's time to "grow up" a little.

 

Whilst I agree with most of what you've said here and think it's a good idea for the OP. I actually think that the person who needs to grow up is the boyfriend, he sounds sooo immature!

She seems like a nice enough girl and could very easily make this a big issue...

[CharmieF]

So I've taken in all the advice here.

 

I'm seeing her this evening with some other friends. I usually meet up with her before hand as she lives only a few streets from me. Also her BF is working and not coming so I might be honest with her and ask her about it as suggested by Redhead14

 

I guess I'll let everyone know what happens

[Gary S]

Maybe he likes the fact that she is tall and is complimenting her. I know I would, I like Glamazon women

[d0nnivain]

Because she appears uncomfortable when he says things like that you can ask her about her feelings. You can encourage her to discuss them with him but you absolutely cannot talk to him about her. She has to fight her own battles.

[Syberia]

Maybe he likes the fact that she is tall and is complimenting her.

This is what I was thinking as well. Maybe he doesn't realize that his attempts at complimenting her are actually hurting her.

[Gary S]

This is what I was thinking as well. Maybe he doesn't realize that his attempts at complimenting her are actually hurting her.

 

- Yes. Making reference to a woman's body often does not go over well. When they ask, "Does this make me look fat"? - don't answer that!

[preraph]

You shouldn't talk to that guy because the real problem here is she is taking some verbal abuse and not setting a boundary to stop it. So if there's a conversation to be had, have it with her. Tell her she's letting this guy insult her and that she needs to not just sit there and smile but tell him she's pissed about it and to stop it or get out. She needs to get a spine.

 

By the way, this is good illustration of how sometimes it's the sweetest nonconfrontational women who end up with the biggest douches, and it's because they tolerate, first, little stuff like this, thinking it's silly to make a big deal out of, but then it snowballs into letting themselves be ramrodded and put down on a bigger scale and before long they have kids watching their mother being disrespected, and the kids also turn into little monsters by treating her bad like their role model, the dad does, and by her laying down and taking it, or they themselves grow up thinking verbal abuse is normal.

Edited April 10, 2015 by preraph

[Syberia]

- Yes. Making reference to a woman's body often does not go over well. When they ask, "Does this make me look fat"? - don't answer that!

I've tried answering truthfully - "of course it does but I find large women very attractive." Didn't go over well at all

[Redhead14]

I've tried answering truthfully - "of course it does but I find large women very attractive." Didn't go over well at all

 

You can say, "yes, it makes you look P H A T and cross you fingers behind your back . . .

[Syberia]

As a white male, if I ever used the term "phat" to describe anyone, I don't think I could ever restore my self-respect.

[Dork Vader]

You need too tread lightly here. This is her personal relationship and it is up to her to make decisions about who is good too date and who is not.

 

The next time the two of you have time to talk just be polite and say. It seems like you get uncomfortable or upset anytime your boy friend makes comments about your hight. As your friend I wanted to know what your feelings are on this..

 

Let her respond and based not that response continue the conversation. If she denies being hurt by it. Then tell her well it seems that way and even if you don't think it's a big deal I'm concerned that this could harm your self esteem and self worth. I think you should just talk to him about it and politely say it's not flirting and it's not funny, it makes me uncomfortable and self conscious.

 

She may have accepted that verbal abuse about her hight is just going to be something she has to deal with. This can happen when a person is subjected to endless comments about them. They sort of become numb too it but it still does damage to self esteem and self worth.

 

I can not make it clear enough you need to use the word SEEMS. It leaves the door open and is not as forceful as "he makes you uncomfortable I can see it" that will lead to her getting defensive. Your only goal is to seed the thought process on how to deal with it and be supportive of her.

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

Sounds like he has a case of short man syndrome, and he's not even THAT short for a guy.

[CharmieF]

Right everyone so I just got back from actually meeting up with her.

 

So I'd read all the comments beforehand and luckily I didn't make a fool of myself

 

Basically said to her - "I noticed you seemed a bit upset last week when Dan (not his name but whatever) mentioned your height - were you ok or was I getting the wrong end of the stick?"

 

She basically was so glad that I asked!

 

Apparently she's already asked him in private to stop going on about the fact that they're the same height. She says it's really irritating and gets annoyed because as I think we've all agreed on she's 5'9 and not that tall!

 

So I told her she should tell him again to stop if it's upsetting her. She got a bit upset then because according to her she's told him several times but he either 'forgets' or 'can't get over how tall she is'

 

So basically it seems to me like he knows what he's doing and seems to get a kick out of winding her up or upsetting her. I guess I should keep out of it now but seriously this guy is a waste of space

[Dork Vader]

She has set up the boundary and request. I doubt it will be long before she kicks him to the curb if he continues to make comments about it.