Raichu Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Hi everyone! Ok so I think this is probably a 'dating' forum question but feel free to move it if you disagree. So I've been dating my BF for a while now but I'm not really sure how to approach this one...I'm going to say 'issue' although it's not really all that serious. My problem is is that every time we go out on a 'special' date (I say special because we've been together a while now and so we often go and grab food or see a movie together, this is more like a mutual friends party or dinner with parents etc.) he has a tendency of over dressing. Now it's not to say that I'm under-dressed I don't think that's the issue but for example we'll go out with friends to a bar or two and then off to a club for example and he'll turn up in a three piece suit. It just sometimes makes me feel a bit awkward since in my head that situation would have called for something a bit more relaxed maybe? The weird thing is is that he doesn't dress up for work (his job is pretty flexible with suit attire and so he could jazz things up there a bit if he wanted) he just wears the same suit and tie every week. All I want to do is find a way of telling him that maybe he's looking a bit OTT without offending him (he's super sensitive) I'm not saying he looks bad it's usually a good/nice suit but it's just a tad inappropriate. Finally just to make it more complicated, I feel I have to be a little careful here because I made a scene ages ago about a comment his mother made about my clothes. I'd been invited out with him and his parents to a garden party last summer and so I wore a 'summer dress' y'know floaty, flowery - not actually my thing but in line with 'garden party' Well we were invited to another garden party about a month later and his mom told him to tell me "not to wear a dress again and make us all look cheap" I remember I got pretty offended and told my BF that his mom wouldn't dictate what I wear (I wore a similar dress, stubbornness is my middle name okay? ) Obviously you guys can see the issue now, so all I'm after is the best way of asking him to tone it down without looking like a hypocrite. Thanks in advance guys!
almond Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 "You look so hot in <whatever you want him to wear>." Grab something from his wardrobe and suggest it directly. Follow up with a good blow job at the end of the night to really drive the point home While you're out, compliment him a few times, and mention that although the suits he normally wears are nice, tell him that what he's wearing just suits the scene much more. If you do it in a complimentary fashion, it's much more likely that he will take it better, being as sensitive as you say he is. 3
Emilia Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 When my ex expressed an interest in wanting to change the way he dressed, I complimented him on things that really suited him and he started wearing certain cuts and shirt styles more while picking designs and tone himself. I never had a problem with his previous style but was pleased that he started paying more attention to making the most of his looks, skin tone, haircut, etc. So yeah, just tell him 'you look great when you wear x, love that style on you', etc. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Get a ZZ Top CD, when they sing "every girl crazy about a sharp dressed man", just laugh and say yeah right, not me, I love a guy who dresses a bit more casual. That was an incredibly rude thing for his mother to say. I would be more offended that his mother called you cheap, rather than what you wore. 2
CharmieF Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Casually show him an article online about guys dressing well - there's load out there, google it and you'll find something. Maybe he'll get the message As a dude I can see why this would bug you. There's always that one guy in the club who looks a prick because he looks like he's stumbled into the wrong building and I can't imagine any girl wants to be the one to say 'uh, he's with me'
acrosstheuniverse Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Get a ZZ Top CD, when they sing "every girl crazy about a sharp dressed man", just laugh and say yeah right, not me, I love a guy who dresses a bit more casual. That was an incredibly rude thing for his mother to say. I would be more offended that his mother called you cheap, rather than what you wore. I read it as though his mother had felt that her and her family looked cheap in comparison to the OP, because she put some effort into the dress but they didn't. Maybe I'm wrong though! Honestly I would just be direct with this stuff. Say 'wow babe you look amazing! Didn't you realise tbough we're just going for a couple drinks? Why don't you wear something a bit more casual?' If he gets offended by something like that then you've got bigger problems in store in the future of the relationship.
SawtoothMars Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 but for example we'll go out with friends to a bar or two and then off to a club for example and he'll turn up in a three piece suit. I'd been invited out with him and his parents to a garden party last summer and so I wore a 'summer dress' y'know floaty, flowery - not actually my thing but in line with 'garden party' Well we were invited to another garden party about a month later and his mom told him to tell me "not to wear a dress again and make us all look cheap" Any chance these two things are related? His family may just believe in dressing up.
Author Raichu Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 I read it as though his mother had felt that her and her family looked cheap in comparison to the OP, because she put some effort into the dress but they didn't. Maybe I'm wrong though! This is right. Sorry I guess I came across as a bit vague there. She was suggesting that I was too dressed up and she and her family looked cheap. I honestly felt like telling her that this 'summer dress' was just something I wear for those smartish casual occasions and if she thinks that's me dressed up she's got another thing coming! But I didn't, I'm nice like that The problem with complimenting him is that he's one of those people who never believes you or dishes out three more compliments in my direction :/
PegNosePete Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Ah right, I thought you meant that she thought you were under-dressed and were dragging the family image down. But still. If she feels she looks bad because you were more dressed up than her, then it's her fault for not dressing up enough. Pretty rude to blame you for her feelings of inadequacy. 2
CharmieF Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I agree it's rude. The OP doesn't even sound like she was that dressed up! (I don't mean that in an offensive way!) As a chef/caterer I've been to more garden parties than I'd care to admit and in all honesty for your typical non themed one a summery, floral dress seems the norm...makes you wonder what kind of rags the mother had on!
Author Raichu Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 I agree it's rude. The OP doesn't even sound like she was that dressed up! (I don't mean that in an offensive way!) As a chef/caterer I've been to more garden parties than I'd care to admit and in all honesty for your typical non themed one a summery, floral dress seems the norm...makes you wonder what kind of rags the mother had on! Haha! You're right! I wasn't exactly dressed to the nines! His mother seems to have a few issues with me and my family anyway...she seems to think we're "posh" Plus my BF is her little Prince
Emilia Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 The problem with complimenting him is that he's one of those people who never believes you or dishes out three more compliments in my direction :/ So he overcompensates, obviously very insecure, so much so that it's really visible on many levels. That is potentially a problem.
d0nnivain Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 The mom thing is easier to fix. Ask her for help in choosing your outfit the next time you are going to something with the family. I still ask my MIL's input because their family's version of dressed up is still way more casual then I think. As for your BF, I don't know anybody who wears a 3 piece suit to a club, unless it's a Wall Street guy that ended up in a club hours after work. If he's happy as he's dressed, you can step it up a notch but leave him be happy.
road Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 The mom thing is easier to fix. Ask her for help in choosing your outfit the next time you are going to something with the family. I still ask my MIL's input because their family's version of dressed up is still way more casual then I think. As for your BF, I don't know anybody who wears a 3 piece suit to a club, unless it's a Wall Street guy that ended up in a club hours after work. If he's happy as he's dressed, you can step it up a notch but leave him be happy. She does not realize how many men refuse to dress up for their bee-itches.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Maybe it's his passive aggressive way of saying he wants you to put more effort into your appearance. What type of outfits do you normally wear?
Mrin Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Okay a few things: 1. Let's start off with the desired behavior mod. Go direct with your concerns. If you don't want to do that then resort to dog training techniques. Since you can't beat him with a stick try the reward system. Dresses as you desire = blow job and/or freaky sex. The Suit = headache and no sex. Sooner or later the association should kick in. But seriously, you should just have a conversation. 2. As to explaining the behavior: the mom thing sounds incongruent compared to his behavior unless this is some english society thing that Yanks like myself don't understand. I will tell you this - personally speaking, I can usually handle a woman overdressing for an occasion, her underdressing is like nails on chalkboard. I like to frequent nice places and I like to be appropriately attired. I want to be proud of the lady on my arm. If she can't dress appropriately then naturally I'll stop taking her to such places and perhaps find someone else. Lack of experience I can overlook. Lack of wardrobe I can fix. Lack of effort - ya, that's a deal killer for me.
No_Go Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Could be, but my guess is that it is just his style. E.g. I don't like to dress casually, prefer elegant/semiformal outfits, but it does NOT bother me if my partner is underdressed; as long as he does not show in a super formal occasion in sweatpants, I'm happy with him wearing whatever he likes (I expect though the same attitude). Same goes for friends, relatives etc. Maybe it's his passive aggressive way of saying he wants you to put more effort into your appearance. What type of outfits do you normally wear?
fitnessfan365 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Okay a few things: 1. Let's start off with the desired behavior mod. Go direct with your concerns. If you don't want to do that then resort to dog training techniques. Since you can't beat him with a stick try the reward system. Dresses as you desire = blow job and/or freaky sex. The Suit = headache and no sex. Sooner or later the association should kick in. Haha.. This is assuming a guy is weak willed enough to be lead around by his d**k. If a woman started trying to use sex as a power play to "train me" I would drop her without thinking twice about it. She either takes me as I am, or she can take the exit door.
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I think it is better that he is smart and perhaps overdressed, than if he was always underdressed and sloppy, especially as you seem to also have that "overdressing" trait. I guess he is trying not to let you down.
Author Raichu Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 Maybe it's his passive aggressive way of saying he wants you to put more effort into your appearance. What type of outfits do you normally wear? Sorry for the late replies - I'll answer them all now in the next few posts. I wear outfits that I personally think are appropriate for the occasion. I don't even own sweatpants and only ever 'slob out' when I'm home alone in the evenings and that usually just involves wearing my pjs.
Author Raichu Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 I think it is better that he is smart and perhaps overdressed, than if he was always underdressed and sloppy, especially as you seem to also have that "overdressing" trait. I guess he is trying not to let you down. I get that he's only making an effort and that's fine but it's almost as if there are only two types of dress with him - super smart or super scruffy. I think people here have the impression that I often overdress, the only time I've ever been told (in so many words) that I was overdressed was at that garden party and that was by his mother. And in all honesty I was no more under or over dressed than the other girls there :/
CharmieF Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 OK so the OP can correct me if I'm wrong but I'm getting an impression that some people here are missing the true problem here. The OP doesn't seem to have an issue with the way the suits look or how he wears them but more when he wears them. As a guy I own a couple of suits, one for work interviews and meetings, one black for black tie events (not that I'm ever invited to any ) and the dreaded funeral and another for dinner parties etc. I wouldn't dream of wearing a suit out unless it was called for. This guy is wearing 3 piece suits to a bar? Unless as someone said he's just come from Wall Street he's going to look pretentious, no matter how well he wears it. I only wear my suits when appropriate and as a result I usually get some compliments from friends. What's he going to wear when they really do end up going to a suit and tie event? She'll be dressed up and he'll look the same as usual - which true or not, it will look as though he's wearing the same stuff as usual and isn't making an effort. What's wrong with a nice shirt and chinos or even jeans? If he likes being smart he can add a blazer or jacket. Finally I still think his mother was way out of line. If there was a dress code of some sort she should have told the OP before the event not after, if she had some issues with her dress the polite thing to do would be to hold her tongue or if she must say something be more subtle about it. Rant over haha!
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