oh.so.lost. Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I was walking away from this man, recently, because of his never materializing promises. I wanted a real relationship and if he didn't, then I was done. I’d ignored his calls and texts for less than 24 hours. He’d made comments basically stating that I should wait on a shelf like a loaf of bread, until he was ready to make some toast. It was frustrating the way he would contradict himself…and I’d hang hope on every word, and action. I tried interpreting signals…except, they all lead to a dead end. When I began ignoring him, it wasn’t to get a response, it was for my own sanity. It was an opportunity to gain back control of my emotional state. I had a man who wouldn’t let go, and wouldn’t come forth. I remember opening my front door to him. Seeing him forlorn on my doorstep, looking as if he hadn’t slept or changed in 24hrs, I thought again…perhaps, this was a game changer. Maybe he was realizing how important I was to him? Not quite. I let him in my house, he stood right next to the door, just wanting to know if I planned on talking to him again. He had driven to my house to get this information? In the back of my mind, I wondered if it was love or anxiety? Was it abandonment or was he missing our unbelievable connection? I said, “So this has nothing to do with your feelings for me?" As we talked, he admitted he had feelings for me, and that soon, he would really communicate about his wounds, his pain and what was keeping him locked up. I thought the day would be a monumental turning point in our relationship. It wasn’t. I heard from him later in the day and then every following day for 5 days. Then nothing. He fell off the face of the earth. He was like that, disappearing for a week or three. The anxiety I go through is a killer. I had no idea where I ever stood, so I’d always leave—who could stay with someone showing up and disappearing all the time? When he showed back up again, he didn’t want to put a label on us. As long as I would allow him, he proceeded to be on the peripheral—all the while assuming the emotional space of significant other in my life. Inevitably, I am tired of us getting close and him disappearing. Goodbye again. Ive worked through my own issues; I was forced to deal with me. I didn’t hide from myself. I admitted my own truth over and over—breaking my own walls and patterns that allowed this painful connection. Inevitably, days or weeks after I told him no more, he would show back up. After the doorstep incident, his ability to express his feelings grew over the past months. He Adoress me, thinks I am amazing and wonderful, etc. a year later and he still comes back with his terms…except there are no real terms. If I didn’t love myself now or value my needs, I might slip back into the comfort zone of hell with him. And at the same time, when I have questioned, how is it two people who care for each other so much cannot make it work? His thinks I have too many expectations and if I’d just let it grow organically, it’d all be fine. I appreciate the feedback. I’m totally open to taking responsibility for my actions and how I show up. The funny thing is that statement has been told over and over to me by him, no matter how I show up or what I ‘d do or didn’t do…whether I’d let go or held to strong boundaries….it didn’t matter. He will not move things forward. He’s also admitted to it… saying he knows he’s the one standing in his own way. Every time I let him in, it’s a standstill. Each time he’s just not ready, he doesn’t want to be accountable or consistently there in a relationship. At the same time, he doesn’t want to lose me, ever. I no longer have expectations, or hope or wonder in his direction. The interest and pull to him is no longer intense. In fact, it’s almost a moot point. I realize his repetitive coming back, and being noncommittal at the same time is about him. No matter what I say, or if I do nothing…I know it produces the same results. I’ve learned my lessons, I’m screwed up, just like the rest of the world. But, I’m also open to real love, commitment and happiness, without having crazy expectations, or forcing my will. I accept me in my imperfections and I accept him, as he is, still jumping puddles, afraid to get wet.
No Limit Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 They might not even know from their constant denying that they're emotionally unavailable. Chances are he likely just wanted to keep you on the side "just in case". And really, people who keep others "on the hook" care for one person alone - themselves and their feelings. He likely never thought a single time about yours.
kendahke Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) Stop letting him in. You have terms, too; and if he's not prepared to compromise and meet you half way---not talk about it or acknowledge it ad nauseum, but DO it--then all you are doing is wasting your youth behind someone who refuses to be who you need for him to be. 2014 is now long gone and that time you spent waiting on him during that year will never replenish. Both of you are wasting your time instead of wisely investing it. If he's that dang damaged, then he needs a shrink, not a girlfriend. Clearly, he's got issues he needs to work out and he isn't entitled to you while he's doing it. He is wasting your time and youth. Set him adrift so you can be free to meet a man who wants to be who you need for him to be. Edited April 9, 2015 by kendahke
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