Syberia Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 My gut is telling me no, but my wife tells me that everything is fine, it's just the way she deals with things. I've been married for slightly under 5 years. Lived together for 7, been a couple for 9, friends for even longer. No kids, our marriage is not dysfunctional as far as I know, but keep in mind, I grew up with parents who do not sleep in the same room, show no affection (because they have none), my dad had sex with other women and my mom has sex with no one, but they're "together for the kids!" - this was a "normal marriage" to me for quite a while. Compared to that model, my wife and I are perfect. And for the most part we are, except when we fight. She says it's not a big deal, and all couples do it, which is true. In our case, we both have "always right" personalities, which usually isn't a problem since we have shared interests and mostly shared beliefs, but the fights do come up. Often about something silly and dumb, occasionally not. We get angry, we argue, the fight ends. Then she completely ignores me and shuts down. We cannot have any closure or making up or anything because she refuses to acknowledge my existence. If I try to talk to her, more often than not it's as if I don't exist. She'll do this as long as it takes her to "calm down," and then it's as if the fight never happened. If there's an unresolved issue that needs to be discussed, without fighting, it can't happen after the dust has settled because she tells me not to talk about it. It's swept under the rug until it comes to light again, we fight about it again, and the cycle repeats itself. When I try to discuss this with her, she basically blows it off, tells me it's a non-issue, tells me she's never going to leave me, and that this should be the end of it. I don't like having outstanding and unresolved issues, she seems perfectly fine with it. I guess I've just come here to ask the question - am I making a big deal out of nothing? Maybe I just need a third party to tell me to let things go if they're not important. It doesn't seem healthy to me, but maybe it really just is "the way she deals with things" and doesn't matter? I don't mean to make it sound like we fight about things all the time. We don't, and when we do, it's not about things that are deal breakers in our marriage.
Poppygoodwill Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 I guess it's only a problem if you feel it is. Everyone has a different style when it comes to conflict and its aftermath. YOu need something she doesn't - which is to examine what happened and try to avoid it next time. If the issues aren't deal breakers, then maybe it's okay they keep circling back around over and over. But the fact you're writing about it suggests it's not okay. I would think that a small thing that goes unresolved for a long time, can become a big thing. That's the concern. So I'm with you. I don't think it's wrong to want to try to solve small issues between you. Especially if they're small things; why should they stay a thorn in your sides? I always want to hash things out to avoid repeating history. Timing is everything though, as you know. 2
Michelle ma Belle Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 I guess it's only a problem if you feel it is. Everyone has a different style when it comes to conflict and its aftermath. YOu need something she doesn't - which is to examine what happened and try to avoid it next time. If the issues aren't deal breakers, then maybe it's okay they keep circling back around over and over. But the fact you're writing about it suggests it's not okay. I would think that a small thing that goes unresolved for a long time, can become a big thing. That's the concern. So I'm with you. I don't think it's wrong to want to try to solve small issues between you. Especially if they're small things; why should they stay a thorn in your sides? I always want to hash things out to avoid repeating history. Timing is everything though, as you know. Perfectly stated. I agree. It appears you both have different ways of dealing with conflict. It's not necessarily a bad thing but it is something that needs to be acknowledged and thusly respected. Often times this is when couple's seek some professional help. It doesn't mean you're marriage is in trouble of that you're going to be in therapy for years and years. Sometimes couple's just need a little objectivity to help guide the honest discussion about what it is you both need from one another. Good luck. 1
SJS Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 It's a form of stonewalling and is not healthy. Nothing will ever be resolved if that's how she deals with it.
oldshirt Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 This is exactly the kind of thing that marital counseling is for. You two have an ineffective and dysfunctional form of conflict resolution. This is exactly what MC is for. Counseling can help you two to address issues in a more effective and less detrimental manner. Get into therapy. If she won't go, go without her.
devilish innocent Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Your marriage reminds me of the household I grew up in. When two people would get into argument, there was never any resolution. They would just go to separate rooms until they had calmed down. Then they would come out after a while and pretend like the whole thing had never happened. I hated it, and I don't think it's healthy. By contrast, any time my husband and I have an argument, we will apologize, kiss and make-up afterward. I agree with the advice you received regarding seeking out marriage counseling. This is the sort of thing that can drive a marriage apart over time. Just because things seem fine for now, it doesn't mean it will stay that way. It's better to catch things early on. If you wait until after you've grown apart, it can be much harder to fix the problem. 1
Author Syberia Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 I'd like nothing more than to be able to kiss and make up afterwards. I talked to her about this yesterday and she basically told me that when we argue, she knows she's not going to change my opinion and I'm not going to change hers so what's the point of doing anything other than dropping it? I can see her point, and neither of us like to back down in a fight, even with each other, so I'm tempted to just let this go. We both know it's not going to end our marriage.
Phoenician Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 No cyberia, this is not healthy , and as many others advised the best would be seeking MC , though it is not really a big issue now ; however it would be better to resolve issues before they become major . Apparently you don't have a proper way to argue about any decision , small it is or big... in the future if this is not solved , you will end up disrespecting each other when an argument happens... Wish u goodluck.
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