If you dated someone & found out they still live at home, would it be a turn off?

April 8, 2015

Before I met my ex-boyfriend IRL and started dating him, he was honest and told me that he still lived at home with his parents (he was in his late 20s at the time). He was working but was saving enough $$ to move out; in the mean time, he was helping them out by doing repairs in the home, helping with the upkeep and paying his share of the household bills (electric and groceries). During the time we were dating, he was in between jobs; it still didn't matter to me and didn't make me think any less of him because I cared about him and I knew that in reality, he was responsible, a hard worker and he was actively looking for a job although he couldn't secure one for several months. I knew that, sometimes in life, some people fall on hard times and can't control whether (or when) a company hires them for full-time employment. After dating each other for a little over a year, he had a good job and we decided to move in together, with him paying most of the household bills when I had fallen in between jobs.

I'd like to get other peoples' opinions on this. If you were dating someone (or thinking about going out on a date with them) and they were honest with you and told you that they were still living at home because they had fallen on hard times and couldn't afford to live on their own for the time being, would that influence your decision to date them and progress things forward? Or would them living at home be a turn off for you and make you leery of dating them or, would it make you not date them altogether? Would you be honest with them if you decided not to date them and say WHY you wouldn't date them? Or would you blow them off with a dishonest excuse so as not to hurt their feelings?

.

April 8, 2015

It would very much be a turn off to me because I value financial stability and independence. I would probably give them the usual vague don't think we're compatible or didn't feel a connection line.

Having said that my dad lived with his mum when he met my mum, and that worked out pretty good.

April 8, 2015

It would be an instant no from me unless he was nursing a sick or dying parent. I want an equal mature partner who is proven to be able to stand on their own two feet, and have found in the past that some guys living at home tend to take years to be ready for cohabitation with a partner, either they want to move out alone or with friends at first or they do move in with a partner and expect her to act like their mother. I've been independent eight years now and couldn't go backward to dating guys who are still in the late teen stage of mooching off mom and dad. If a guy asked I would tell them straight. Do what you gotta do, but I don't think you're in the right place for a mature relationship. It's one of the biggest turn offs there is for me, although I see plenty of people on here saying it's fine depending on circumstance and they wouldn't mind. I guess cos I'm very independent, it's hard to respect someone enough to date them if they're still having their hand held by their parents into their twenties.

April 8, 2015

No def not, usually if they are back home then they have more financial stability (& excess cash) than those that are tied up with rent & mortgages.. If the RS works out then there's no waiting for houses to sell or arguing about who moves into who's.. Everyone starts somewhere x

April 8, 2015

Honestly it depends. I think it's frowned on more when Men are still living at home moreso than Women. If she has a good reason for being there, and has a GOOD job (aka not McDonalds), then I might consider it.

April 8, 2015

It would depend. If they never left, that would be a problem. If they were back or taking care of an ill parent, that would be OK.

In my early 30s I took a new job closer to my parents but there were problems closing on my new house. I had no place to live for 4 months so I moved back in with my parents while we straightened out the house stuff. It was nice to not have to come up with a short term lease option.

In my mid 30s I dated a guy who moved back home following a divorce. I understood why somebody would want TLC after a nasty break up.

April 8, 2015

From the responses so far, it seems almost like 50/50. Heartbroken, Barcode and Donnivain would take their date's current circumstance into consideration while Pegnose and Universe would rather their date already be self-sufficient and living on their own. Before I met my ex, I had the same perspective that Peg and Uni have, but once I met him and got to know him, his financial situation wasn't something that I worried about; only because I knew that his situation was temporary. However, had he continued to live with his parents for longer than he did, then I probably would've had an issue with it and would've spoken to him about it before ending things.

@Barcode: From some of the threads I've read on LS, I believe that you may be mistaken about this situation being more frowned upon with men than with women. There have been several guys on here who have stated that - even if the woman they're thinking about dating is living on her own and paying all of her bills - if she doesn't have a prestigious career or isn't earning a high end 5 figure or 6 figure salary annually, they'd look down on her and would want nothing to do with her, no matter how attractive she was or how much they clicked chemistry-wise and personality-wise.

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April 8, 2015

I'd like to get other peoples' opinions on this. If you were dating someone (or thinking about going out on a date with them) and they were honest with you and told you that they were still living at home because they had fallen on hard times and couldn't afford to live on their own for the time being, would that influence your decision to date them and progress things forward? Or would them living at home be a turn off for you and make you leery of dating them or, would it make you not date them altogether? Would you be honest with them if you decided not to date them and say WHY you wouldn't date them? Or would you blow them off with a dishonest excuse so as not to hurt their feelings?

It wouldn't bother me personally, at least not that fact alone. If my evaluation of the person was that they were needy or immature, that would put me off of them, but not simply living with their parents. In other words, I'd make a determination based on the person, not their circumstances.

There's a lot of wiggle room here. Living with parents is actually the norm in some cultures. Even in modern western cultures, it's becoming more common again due to the general economic downturn of the last decade. I'm financially independent myself, and I'm never looking to cohabitate anyway (always seemed like a bad idea to me), so I don't evaluate another person in terms of what they can bring to the relationship financially or what I 'require' of them as applies to me. If they were perennially penniless, that would be a factor, but only because it would shed some light on their sensibilities and drive in what to me would be a negative way, not because I'd be afraid I'd have to support them. Forex, a person who had no ambition beyond sitting on the couch all day wouldn't appeal to me, simply because I'm not that way.

The stigma associated with living with parents is unfortunate, because nothing should automatically disqualify someone from consideration. A person could be the most considerate, caring, affectionate person out there and live at home. Ruling them out on that alone seems foolish.

I'm always honest with people, so I wouldn't blow any smoke up their a$s if I decided not to date them. But the reason wouldn't be "ew, you live at home, that's not good enough for me."

April 8, 2015

In most cases yes. If a woman still lives at home it's either because her work situation sucks she lacks financial independence, or she has Peter Pan syndrome and doesn't want to grow up.

But in my GF's case, I made an exception. She makes six figures. But chooses to live at home to take care of her mom financially and to help care for her sister that's mentally disabled. She's not only a genuinely good person, but very loyal to family. So I actually found it honorable when she first told me. Not a lot of people would do that. But since she only lives 7 minutes away from me, her coming over to my place isn't that much of a struggle..LOL

April 8, 2015

You're a geeky gamer girl. Of course the idea of a late 20s adult stereotypical geek male living with his parents wouldn't bother you. Lol. Teasin' ;-)

Before I met my ex-boyfriend IRL and started dating him, he was honest and told me that he still lived at home with his parents (he was in his late 20s at the time). He was working but was saving enough $$ to move out; in the mean time, he was helping them out by doing repairs in the home, helping with the upkeep and paying his share of the household bills (electric and groceries). During the time we were dating, he was in between jobs; it still didn't matter to me and didn't make me think any less of him because I cared about him and I knew that in reality, he was responsible, a hard worker and he was actively looking for a job although he couldn't secure one for several months. I knew that, sometimes in life, some people fall on hard times and can't control whether (or when) a company hires them for full-time employment. After dating each other for a little over a year, he had a good job and we decided to move in together, with him paying most of the household bills when I had fallen in between jobs.

I'd like to get other peoples' opinions on this. If you were dating someone (or thinking about going out on a date with them) and they were honest with you and told you that they were still living at home because they had fallen on hard times and couldn't afford to live on their own for the time being, would that influence your decision to date them and progress things forward? Or would them living at home be a turn off for you and make you leery of dating them or, would it make you not date them altogether? Would you be honest with them if you decided not to date them and say WHY you wouldn't date them? Or would you blow them off with a dishonest excuse so as not to hurt their feelings?

.

April 8, 2015

I'm 27 and still live at home. I have lived on my own in various places in my previous job but where I live house prices and rent are unbelievably expensive. Tie that in with the fact I'm spending a large amount of money on training for my dream job I have no option. I'd like to think that any potential women would take that into consideration.

April 8, 2015

You're a geeky gamer girl. Of course the idea of a late 20s adult stereotypical geek male living with his parents wouldn't bother you. Lol. Teasin' ;-)

Ha! You're lucky that you put you were 'teasing' at the end of your post, because if you didn't, I was going to rip into you good lol

Seriously though, it depends on the guy's circumstance and how I perceive him to be as a person.

@FF: I definitely see your point; because I felt the same way you did before I found myself knowing a guy who was in that kind of situation. What if your GF made only a median 5 figures and still lived at home taking care of family members? Would your viewpoint towards her change or stay the same?

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April 8, 2015

I'm with the camp that sides with taking into consideration one's circumstances before passing judgement.

As much as I value hard work and financial security and stability there are cases where one needs to lean on others to get through or ahead. And I for one can respect that provided there are valid reasons and effort being made to remedy the situation at some point.

April 8, 2015

I'm with the camp that sides with taking into consideration one's circumstances before passing judgement.

^^^ this.

if someone is still living with their folks because they (for example) just got fired & can't find a job and simply cannot afford to live alone BUT they're doing their best to improve their situation, they're working hard...? i wouldn't mind at all.

it would be a dealbreaker ONLY if a man feels completely comfortable living with his parents - meaning, he has 0 plans on moving out and finding something on his own.

it's also a matter of different countries & cultures, i think. for example, when i was visiting america i noticed that leaving home at ages 16-18 was the most normal thing for americans - in my country & culture family is HIGHLY important and people usually move out completely when they're out of college and with a diploma in their hands (middle 20ies).

also, in my country (due to horrible economy and young people being unable to get a well paid job) it's unusual to see someone in their late 20s having their own place to stay - those who do, got those places from their family/parents money. most do rent smaller apartments - all that being said, i wouldn't give up on a fantastic guy just because he's financially struggling at the moment.

April 8, 2015

not only about living at home

is he a good son?

can he handle/micro-manage a domestic crisis?

is he ambitious/shrewd?

April 8, 2015

Not sure where most of you are posting from, but in Australia housing prices are pretty ridiculous. It's quite common for people in their mid-late twenties to be living at home because a new home will cost a million dollars (quite literally) and rent isn't cheap either.

Ditto where I'm living now. I do live on my own, but I wouldn't judge a woman my age (twenties) to be living with their parents in the slightest. I personally think it's a sensible choice to save up money while you can.

April 8, 2015

^^^ this.

if someone is still living with their folks because they (for example) just got fired & can't find a job and simply cannot afford to live alone BUT they're doing their best to improve their situation, they're working hard...? i wouldn't mind at all.

it would be a dealbreaker ONLY if a man feels completely comfortable living with his parents - meaning, he has 0 plans on moving out and finding something on his own.

it's also a matter of different countries & cultures, i think. for example, when i was visiting america i noticed that leaving home at ages 16-18 was the most normal thing for americans - in my country & culture family is HIGHLY important and people usually move out completely when they're out of college and with a diploma in their hands (middle 20ies).

also, in my country (due to horrible economy and young people being unable to get a well paid job) it's unusual to see someone in their late 20s having their own place to stay - those who do, got those places from their family/parents money. most do rent smaller apartments - all that being said, i wouldn't give up on a fantastic guy just because he's financially struggling at the moment.

I feel the same way with the parts of your post that I've highlighted in bold.

May I ask what country you live in and what your family culture is? I live in the U.S. and was moved out and on my own a few months after my 18th birthday; I never moved back in with my parents.

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April 8, 2015

I've noticed that a large percentage of women I've met recently are living with their parents. I'm talking women in their early 30's.

It's not enough of a turn off for me not to give them a chance for me to get to know them, but it does make me wonder how mature/stable and self sufficent they are.

I think if they've fallen on hard times after a breakup for example, then it's fair enough. If they've never moved out I think that's not a good sign. By your 30's you should be developed enough to support yourself and have gained some life experince.

April 8, 2015

it's also a matter of different countries & cultures, i think. for example, when i was visiting america i noticed that leaving home at ages 16-18 was the most normal thing for americans - in my country & culture family is HIGHLY important and people usually move out completely when they're out of college and with a diploma in their hands (middle 20ies).

just wanted to explain this part because it came off as me saying that americans don't value family - i think people get independent earlier in american culture so it's unusual to see folks living at home when they're in their late 20ies.

in my culture - we're less free and maybe less independent so we get out on our own a little later. that being said, a dude in his late 20ies living with his folks and looking for his own place still - that's the most common thing in the world. but i assume in a culture where people move out once they turn 18 - it comes off as weird.

April 8, 2015

Yes, in my culture too, we get out of the house after college not after high school.

So anyway, the answer to the OP question is highly dependent on age. I'm 43 so of course I wouldn't date anyone who lived at home at my age, and in general, anyone who is not completely stable. I do not really care why, I'm stable, support myself fully, and not willing to take on any charity cases. Young people is normal to struggle and build up a life, but if by your 40s you didn't get your crap together, it's bad news. Even if it's not your fault, at my age I want to enjoy life, not to take on projects.

If I were younger, sure, in my 20s, I could date someone who is still struggling if he seemed to have a good plan going ahead, I would be willing to build our lives together. But a 40yo man who is still going to school, still doing this and that...nope.

April 8, 2015

I feel the same way with the parts of your post that I've highlighted in bold.

May I ask what country you live in and what your family culture is? I live in the U.S. and was moved out and on my own a few months after my 18th birthday; I never moved back in with my parents.

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i'm from southeast europe/mediterranean culture - from a super small & cute country, Croatia (it's basically the size of South Carolina, that's how little we are compared to the entire USA, lol).

you'll rarely see people moving out when they're 18 here - UNLESS they're moving out for college in another city and even then, they visit home regularly and are heavily supported by their parents.

many young people do rent cheap small apartments and live alone but again, they are financially supported by their parents. people finish their colleges in their middle 20ies here and it usually takes them another 4,5 years to find a job and gain some kind of financial stability. it's only then that they look for an apartment/ a car of their own.

i mean, it's weird when you see someone in their middle 30ies living at home but up until 30 years old? it's pretty normal and common.

April 8, 2015

Yes, in my culture too, we get out of the house after college not after high school.

So anyway, the answer to the OP question is highly dependent on age. I'm 43 so of course I wouldn't date anyone who lived at home at my age, and in general, anyone who is not completely stable. I do not really care why, I'm stable, support myself fully, and not willing to take on any charity cases. Young people is normal to struggle and build up a life, but if by your 40s you didn't get your crap together, it's bad news. Even if it's not your fault, at my age I want to enjoy life, not to take on projects.

If I were younger, sure, in my 20s, I could date someone who is still struggling if he seemed to have a good plan going ahead, I would be willing to build our lives together. But a 40yo man who is still going to school, still doing this and that...nope.

I understand what you mean, Blu. But, what if you met a guy in your age bracket that had most of the character, personality and physical traits that you're attracted to but he decided to live at home to care for his ill parent(s), like FitnessFan's GF is currently doing? Let's say your hypothetical guy is around your age, has a decent (or great) job and has decided to live at home for a year to care for his ailing mother (or father)....would you consider dating him and being in a relationship with him despite his current situation and him caring enough to move in back home to take care of his mom or dad? Or would you still say "no way" and next him?

.

April 8, 2015

Wow, there's a few movies that come to mind about adults who live at home:

Failure to Launch

Jeff Who Lives At Home

Step Brothers

Spanglish

Postcards from the Edge

Mother

Nothing In Common

But I think there are legitimate reasons why people move back in with their parents. Off the top of my head,

Just moved to another country where their parents live
Still in college, haven't found a job or saved any money yet
Just got divorced and wasn't working during the marriage
Just got divorced, was working during the marriage, but lawyers fees, etc. wiped out their savings
Just moved back from living out of state/out of the country
Just lost his/her job
Culturally normal to live at home until you are married
Has a disability or disease
Failure to launch (i.e. Jeff Lives At Home movie)

There were a couple of times that I have moved home which was necessary; when I returned from living abroad and didn't have a job lined up back in my home state, and when I moved back from living in another state. Does it mean I couldn't get my act together financially? No. Both times I dated without being judged as a "project" to be avoided. Would I date a 45 year old guy who lived at home in his parents basement, who smoked pot all day and had no job prospects? Obviously no.

If anything, I worry that my having student loans at my age will be more of a deterrent then the fact that I live alone, have a job, and can support myself and pay my own bills. I think there is a negative stigma attached to having student loans later in life, moreso than living at home as an older adult.

April 8, 2015

It depends on the reason. We don't all live in a vacuum of circumstances.

April 8, 2015

A guy living with his parents wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. If a guy is responsible, mature, actively working, and has realistic goals to move out, I wouldn't mind it.

My boyfriend when we started dating was living at home. I knew he wasn't just a bum living off of his parents by his actions and goals he had for the future. He moved out a year after we started dating when we decided to get an apartment together.

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If you dated someone & found out they still live at home, would it be a turn off?

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