Popsicle Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 To BS's that actually divorced their spouse, I am curious, when you left, were you in a state of sadness or anger? Did your WS perceive you to be in a state of sadness or anger? And, what was your WS reaction to your emotional state?
dichotomy Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 To BS's that actually divorced their spouse, I am curious, when you left, 1)were you in a state of sadness or anger? 2) Did your WS perceive you to be in a state of sadness or anger? 3) And, what was your WS reaction to your emotional state? I divorced in my first marriage after WS cheated 1) Sadness, Profound sadness and depression 2) Yes 3) Indifference and lack of regret, due to I suppose her own selfness, resentment over being married, and devaluing me to justify any cold treatment of me. 1
Clay Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 1. I threw her out and filed for divorce. 2. Hurt but I think I was more angry about being played a fool again and giving her another chance. 3. She didn't care. In her eyes even with proof in front of her she didn't cheat. 2
DKT3 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 1. Anger 2. She was too consumed with how she felt and what it meant for her to really care about what my emotional state was 3. See #2. After about a year I got a huge email from her, to sum it up she was sorry for not being able to step away from her feelings and needs to see my feelings and needs. 1
toolforgrowth Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 1) Anger. And not just normal anger, righteous anger to the nth degree. I acted as though the power of the universe was at my disposal. 2) Oh, she knew I was angry. I treated her like scum. Didn't give one rat's a$$ about get feelings or what she wanted, and even told her as much. There was no room for doubt about how she perceived my reactions. 3) At first, she pushed back. But once I began to take real action, she became frightened. Before the divorce was final but after her affair ended, she tried to manipulate me into spending time together with her and our daughter. I flat out said absolutely not. She was sad for a little while about that. Today, over three years later, she's still angry that I want nothing to do with her. And especially pi$$y about the fact I have a serious girlfriend. She was all sorts of nice for a while, but once I got in relationship, she became cold and dry. She's so transparent. 4
PegNosePete Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 1. Yes, sadness and anger. 2. I didn't know and didn't really care tbh. 3. I don't know, I threw her out and never saw her again. 4
SoulCat Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 To BS's that actually divorced their spouse, I am curious, when you left, were you in a state of sadness or anger? Did your WS perceive you to be in a state of sadness or anger? And, what was your WS reaction to your emotional state? 1. Sadness to the point of being diagnosed with 'situational depression'. 2. Pretty sure he 'perceived' me to be in a state of anger. Made it easier for him to not feel so guilty I guess. Guilt over a mad ex is perhaps easier to stomach than guilt over a sad one. 3. He could not have cared less. I went total NC not long after D-day, and (up until a few months ago when we were required to attend mediation) we only communicated through our solicitors. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 1)were you in a state of sadness or anger? I was resigned and relieved 2) Did your WS perceive you to be in a state of sadness or anger? No 3) And, what was your WS reaction to your emotional state? She was angry that I was walking away Mr. Lucky 3
BetrayedH Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 To BS's that actually divorced their spouse, I am curious, when you left, were you in a state of sadness or anger? Did your WS perceive you to be in a state of sadness or anger? And, what was your WS reaction to your emotional state? I had plenty of both but the sadness was probably more profound (says the guy that burned a couch and got arrested for wife tossing). As for the moment of decision, it was pure relief that the reconciliation effort was over. I've never felt so liberated. For so many of my friends here that chose to try to reconcile (who I respect immensely), I find myself more and more often hoping that they experience that sense of relief. 8
minimariah Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 (edited) i was in a state of denial & anger which later turned to sadness... and eventually to acceptance. but at 1st - i was FURIOUS... and that anger phase lasted a looooooooooong time. i was beyond angry - when i finally confronted him knowing the truth, i spat in his face (this is NOT something i'm proud of but just goes to show how out of control i was). i have no idea what was my WS's reaction to my emotional state because our confrontation was very brief & everything was over super quickly. he was crying and repeating how he knows he handled things the wrong way and how he never meant to hurt me... it was over pretty much in 15 minutes - he moved out that same day. the next day we exchanged texts about when can he pick up his stuff & he did it while i wasn't at home and... we saw each other in court next. everything inbetween, every communication was super civil/businesslike. we later did have a long conversation about everything but we were both more than over it so it was pretty emotionless. Edited April 8, 2015 by minimariah 2
drifter777 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 i was in a state of denial & anger which later turned to sadness... and eventually to acceptance. but at 1st - i was FURIOUS... and that anger phase lasted a looooooooooong time. i was beyond angry - when i finally confronted him knowing the truth, i spat in his face (this is NOT something i'm proud of but just goes to show how out of control i was). i have no idea what was my WS's reaction to my emotional state because our confrontation was very brief & everything was over super quickly. he was crying and repeating how he knows he handled things the wrong way and how he never meant to hurt me... it was over pretty much in 15 minutes - he moved out that same day. the next day we exchanged texts about when can he pick up his stuff & he did it while i wasn't at home and... we saw each other in court next. everything inbetween, every communication was super civil/businesslike. we later did have a long conversation about everything but we were both more than over it so it was pretty emotionless. Any kids involved? 1
LifeWasted Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 To BS's that actually divorced their spouse, I am curious, when you left, were you in a state of sadness or anger? Did your WS perceive you to be in a state of sadness or anger? And, what was your WS reaction to your emotional state? 1) I was angry and sad. Both. Mostly angry. Later, I was more angry that I had to pay her alimony for five years. Stinking California laws. 2) I don't know what her perception was. She was usually stoned or drunk anytime I had any interactions with her. She cried a bit when I came to move the last of my stuff out of our apartment, but that was the only time she ever shed a tear. 3) She didn't care. She was already f_cking other dudes within a week or so of my filing for divorce. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 It seems like most of those that cheat just "don't give a damn" or are "mad at you" about it. I am glad that this thread started. Very glad. I thought most WS would be at least placating or sad or even trying to right things at some point. I am so glad that I am not alone. My H most of the time did not appear to give a crap. He kept going back to what he was doing, lied relentlessly about it and blamed me saying I "would have just freaked out at him or gotten really upset etc." Yes, perhaps I may have gotten really upset about being treated like garbage, again. and again. and again. But that was no excuse for blatant dishonesty, disrespect and withholding of basic loving acts. No excuse at all. If there's a big problem with you being honest with what you are doing, that's the first clue that perhaps you shouldn't be doing it. He would get very angry at me for being sad, crying, or wanting to talk about it. I got adamant about wanting to talk about it. He just disappeared. Often he would blow up about it too. Often I would beg him not to disappear. He did so anyway. I am alone right now. But that's okay. We still talk and he says "it's hard on him too." I don't understand why. He is doing exactly what he wants and taking no responsibility for anything. He has sent us $160 since the day he left. That was seven weeks ago. Yesterday he asked me to go on a weekend trip with him and our daughter. I had already made other plans this weekend and will have to work part of it anyway. The ironic thing is, he invited me to the city where he ditched us right after Christmas and disappeared. On the day we were all supposed to go to the waterpark together. I don't really want to go relive that experience. I am sick of getting ditched. I think there will be blowback from turning down the invitation too. Because "it's supposed to be fun and T would have fun so why can't you just put on a smile and have fun." I got a response like that years ago about going to Ontario right after a long separation. 2
Confused48 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 OP - why do you ask? I sense a story behind the question. 2
Author Popsicle Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 OP - why do you ask? I sense a story behind the question. Nope, I just spend way too much time thinking about feelings and stuff instead of living my life. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I thought most WS would be at least placating or sad or even trying to right things at some point. Like you, I've learned the hard way this isn't true. In both instances in my life where someone close has acted in ways destructive to self and relationships, I was surprised at their anger over my very normal feelings. Don't know why a WS would be mad at you for being mad but it seems a consistent reaction... Mr. Lucky 2
Quiet Storm Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Don't know why a WS would be mad at you for being mad but it seems a consistent reaction... Mr. Lucky It sounds like immaturity and being very self centered. Like a spoiled kid getting caught by their parents doing something wrong. They get punished and then sulk in their room thinking about how mean their parents are, instead of what they actually did wrong. 3
minimariah Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Any kids involved? we are legal guardians of one child, yes + we're kind of... connected by other things so going complete NC and pretending like we've never met was impossible (even though i craved that in those first moments, i wanted to move to Alaska, change my name and start a complete new life without ever mentioning his name again but... such is life.) & just to be clear - we kept the entire drama far, far away from her. i allowed myself those 15 minutes of erratic behavior, screaming and yelling and crying and calling him every name in the book + spitting on him but after that? i've never had another drama moment in front of him or other folks (minus my parents + best friend). it was so hard in the beginning but i definitely benefited from handling the entire situation with clear and fast action + mantaining civil relationship with both my XH & his AP.
2.50 a gallon Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I caught her kissing a guard where she worked and went totally ballistic. Called her every name in the book, plus some I never heard before or since. Told her it was unsafe for her to come home, so she went home and moved in with OM. I was devastated and found myself at the bottom of a bottomless black hole of nothingness. I actually wondered, if maybe years in the future I might some day laugh again. When she came by to get her things, she took great delight in rubbing her new BF in my face. About a month later, one of the neighbors invited her and the OM over for a BBQ while his wife was out of town. She arrived early and stopped by the apartment and asked to spend some time with out cats. Again to rub more salt in the wound. But this time, I thing she sensed things were different. Upon throwing her empty coke can in the garbage and hearing it thunk into an empty bottle, she looked down and spotted an empty champagne bottle. She then ran to our bedroom and instantly knew that I had not slept alone the previous night. It was an instant turn around, begging me to take her back, etc. It was worse than d-day, as I still loved her with all my heart, but knew that I could never trust her again. 6
lisbon67 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I had plenty of both but the sadness was probably more profound (says the guy that burned a couch and got arrested for wife tossing). As for the moment of decision, it was pure relief that the reconciliation effort was over. I've never felt so liberated. For so many of my friends here that chose to try to reconcile (who I respect immensely), I find myself more and more often hoping that they experience that sense of relief. Love this...brilliant. ..
lisbon67 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 says the guy that burned a couch and got arrested for wife tossing). Hahaha....brill....I admire your restraint BH... 1
lisbon67 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 I caught her kissing a guard where she worked and went totally ballistic. Called her every name in the book, plus some I never heard before or since. Told her it was unsafe for her to come home, so she went home and moved in with OM. I was devastated and found myself at the bottom of a bottomless black hole of nothingness. I actually wondered, if maybe years in the future I might some day laugh again. When she came by to get her things, she took great delight in rubbing her new BF in my face. About a month later, one of the neighbors invited her and the OM over for a BBQ while his wife was out of town. She arrived early and stopped by the apartment and asked to spend some time with out cats. Again to rub more salt in the wound. But this time, I thing she sensed things were different. Upon throwing her empty coke can in the garbage and hearing it thunk into an empty bottle, she looked down and spotted an empty champagne bottle. She then ran to our bedroom and instantly knew that I had not slept alone the previous night. It was an instant turn around, begging me to take her back, etc. It was worse than d-day, as I still loved her with all my heart, but knew that I could never trust her again. Our divorce is in two weeks. ..will be official. . Yet my wife.....the WW....is going nuts cause 2 weeks ago she found a couple of messages I had been sending on Viber to another woman...!! WTF. .??...but I still don't think it's a good thing to go overboard trying to make WW jealous....after DDAY... Nothing can compare to what WW did to me.... but is there a danger of losing a few feet...or inches. .of the moral high ground......If I revel that I am writing to another woman (it's just a friend really but WW thinks different ) 3
2.50 a gallon Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 What moral high ground? The vows I took were between, my Ex, God and I. The second she got in bed with the OM those vows were broken forever, and I was a free man. As for getting an official divorce from the state, to me that was just paperwork. I did not need to pay thousands of dollars to be told I was once more a free man. The Ex tried many times to win me back. For the next 3 - 4 years, I got B-day, Xmas, Valentine, and wish you here cards. I changed jobs, moved and did not send in a change of address card and yet somehow, with her living 40 to 50 miles away, she found me. Then one night I received a weird phone call from her, she did not beg me to try again, we just talked about things, the good times in the past, and the last thing, was are you sure we can never try again. She wished me a happy life. Years later I found out, that she had just gotten a divorce decree from me, she claimed that she did not know where I lived. I also suspect that she remarried either the next day or the following day I went on to have a very happy and sexual second bachelorhood. I swore that I would never fall in love or marry again, the hurt was too deep and I never wanted to risk a second hurt. That all ended 14 years later, second date, first kiss, and it was already too late, I was in love. We have now been together for coming up on 20 years. No we are not married, she too went thru a bad marriage. 5
BetrayedH Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 says the guy that burned a couch and got arrested for wife tossing). Hahaha....brill....I admire your restraint BH... Ugh. Not my most shining moments. Well, I don't regret burning the offensive couch. Just should have stopped short of tossing the wife out the front door. It wasn't particularly violent (not intended that way at all, in fact, but she fell and scraped her hand) but was completely outside of my character and left me with a very uncomfortable night and afternoon in jail. As well, it took about six months to clear up and is something I still had to uncomfortably explain to my most recent employer. Fortunately, they chose to hire me anyway. Worse yet, my 12-yo son recently found my mugshot online. It's certainly the most gawd-awful photo ever taken of me and it's the one that's permanently affixed to the top of the results page if you google my name. I don't recommend it as an experience.
drifter777 Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 What moral high ground? The vows I took were between, my Ex, God and I. The second she got in bed with the OM those vows were broken forever, and I was a free man. As for getting an official divorce from the state, to me that was just paperwork. The day after d-day I went to see our pastor. At the time my intention was to ask him this very question: can I date now too? He was extremely encouraging in that he said that our vows were broken by her and that releases me from the marriage in God's eyes. He also strongly advised that I not date until I processed what had happened.
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