Iris Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Hi Loveshackers, I would appreciate your feedback. I have been dating somebody for 6 months and unfortunately all is not rosy. We had a fantastic initial 5 months, then we had what we are referring to as a 'blip'. I started taking the contraceptive pill and reacted very badly to it. I was having fainting spells, came out in a full body rash + my emotions went crazy and I felt extremely low and depressed. (I have now stopped taking it !) Unfortunately, these symptoms seemed to erupt in their full glory just as we were in Barcelona for a "romantic break" for four days. I felt the lowest of the low and just couldn't snap out of it (despite trying). I felt like I was locked into my own body and even speaking felt 'forced'. Although he was understanding and though he said he knew that I was being the way I was because of the medication, he didn't handle it well at all and somehow couldn't seem to deal with this and pushed me away. We barely touched all weekend and I came back to London feeling deeply unloved and not very close to my boyfriend. I felt so terribly down (both in my self and about the relationship) that I 'fled' to my folks' place about 4 hours from London in order to 'recover' and to be around my family in order to get some sense of being grounded. As the days went on I felt very resentful of how he had reacted on holiday (or rather, how we had interracted with each other?), and we spent two weeks apart with minimal contact as he suggested that we both get some space to get our thoughts together. Then just last Tuesday we got together to discuss what had happened. I explained exactly how I felt, he said that he'd freaked out a bit and apologised and we have now decided to make a go of it, with the view that if the relationship runs its course at least we both gave it a try. (phew, that was long - sorry!) Anyway, the actual point of my post is that I am interested to know how and why the 'power balance' (for want of a better word) in relationships changes. When we first got together he was definately more into me than me into him. As time went on I seemd to got more into him and I could somehow sense that there had been a shift in the power balance. He seemed to be in control now and I felt (on the inside) like a 'weak woman'. After the events in Barcelona, however, I feel that he pushed me away so much and made me feel so resentful that the boot is now on the other foot and I feel like I am more in control of the relationship now. Does this ever end? Is there always one partner who is more into the other person, with this interchanging as the relationship goes on? I am struggling to accept that relationships should be about power. Shouldn't this be equal in a healthy relationship? Or is there never an equalibrium? Does this mean our relationship is warped and doomed? I would be welcome of your thoughts. Thanks
CurlyIam Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 There's never an equilibrium, really. It may appear to be, in the eyes of those around you, but inside, there's always someone to be in control. The question is how that person decides to run the relationship - if that person will take advantage of the temporary hold of power or if that person shall treat the SO with kindness. Power does funny things to people, I might add. ok, about bc pill. I know what you're talking about, bc may produce severe mood swings. And... i'm sorry to say, yes, most men are totally ununderstanding when seeing a woman completelly irrational. I have been there, but thanks Lord, we weren't on vacation or anything. We had one of our biggest fights ever and I cannot remember for the life of me why . Try not to resent him, Iris. IT's a situation very very little men would have gotten over with flying colours. He did appologise and I can confirm you that a short period of separation was a good idea for you both. Don't use the power that you feel you have against him. If you feel that you cannot forgive him, try to talk again about that with him, no matter how out of place it may seem. I know that some women take rejection very badly, especially when they feel that they're vulnerable. I guess what I'm trying to say is to stop worrying and that what happened is perfectly normal. The question is how badly do you want this relationship to work. If the two of you truly love eachother, despite of who's more into whom. IT's a big step. IF you're not ready to forgive him, you'd better step out of this relationship, because you'll keep feeling bitter and he'll keep feeling guilty. That's not a sane relationship. Be true to yourself. Cheers, Curly
Mz. Pixie Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Yeah, most guys just don't understand women's parts- Curly is right, there's never a equal balance. I was married for a long time and I can tell you that continued in my marriage until it ended. It's just part of it.
moimeme Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 I'm confused by what you mean by 'power' in this case. Can you expound?
norcaldivr Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 I've always felt the power in a relationship lies with the partner who values it the least. Unfair as hell but unfortunately that's how the world works.
CurlyIam Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Originally posted by norcaldivr I've always felt the power in a relationship lies with the partner who values it the least. Unfair as hell but unfortunately that's how the world works. Very true! As someone said, the one that gets less hurt in a relationship is not the one that leaves first the relationship, but the one that gets the least involved (I hope it's a good translation).
Author Iris Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Thank you for all your feedback. The reason I asked this question was that I have experienced this 'inbalance' in my last two relationships. I never experienced this in my first relationship (which lasted 7 years) and I cannot explain why. We both seemed to be perfectly 'equal' in the relationship. Moimeme - What I was trying to get across (probably very badly) was the fact that there always seems to be one person in the relationship who appears to be into the other person more than the other person is into them. With me, I sense this inter-changes on an almost monthly basis, hence enquiring whether this was part of the normal flow of a relationship or whether my relationship was actually not too healthy. I acknowledge that I am quite an insecure person and I know that this in itself can be extremely off-putting to the other person, maybe making them feel more in 'control' of the relationship. Heck. In fact. I think I may have answered my own question. I think my insecure nature is probably at the centre of a lot of my relationship 'problems'. Jeez - how does one begin to work on self esteem issues at the age of 32. Shouldn't I be a sorted woman by now?
moimeme Posted April 16, 2005 Posted April 16, 2005 Moimeme - What I was trying to get across (probably very badly) was the fact that there always seems to be one person in the relationship who appears to be into the other person more than the other person is into them. With me, I sense this inter-changes on an almost monthly basis, hence enquiring whether this was part of the normal flow of a relationship or whether my relationship was actually not too healthy. I get it - not so much 'power' per se as much as one person being more heavily invested in the other. Jeez - how does one begin to work on self esteem issues at the age of 32. Shouldn't I be a sorted woman by now? Oh heck no. You're now ahead of the game because you've figured out you need to work on you. There's a lot of people who haven't even gotten that far. There's stacks of books on self-esteem and how to develop it. I'm sure there are even courses.
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