financial issue....PLEASE HELP!!

[sofia426]

ok so I have been talking to a great guy online for quite awhile now. we have not met but we talk almost every single day and we have discussed almost everything imaginable. i have a 4 year old daughter which whom he knows all about and is willing to accept into his life 100% and that is a huge plus for me because her dad is a complete failure at life and at being a dad to her. the guy that i am talking to is so great, he is everything that i need and have been looking for in a man. i am a single mom and i do not currently work. the issue here is that when we first started talking, he was working and making great money (money is not everything to me but is a big deal in the end), then he got promoted to a different area of his job place and it started to go downhill a bit and got worse. he has bosses that he feels are out to get him and try to pick at everything he does. well he made an error with a line he was doing at work and they wound up suspending him and now he is just doing odd jobs at work wherever they need him in the moment. but making less money obviously. he has a nice car and takes care of it, but i just found out from him that he couldn't even afford to get his car inspected due to the job issue and now has a fine to pay. i told him that i think he should look for another job but he says its hard because its like all he knows and that he signed a contract so he cant. sooo my question i guess, is how do i comfortably move into a relationship with him knowing that he is having issues just supporting himself?? i mean i am not looking for him to pay for me and my daughter everywhere we go or everything we would do together but it is deterring me from meeting him a bit because i have been through money issues previously and they never end well. i lost my first serious relationship due to a very big financial trouble and i am so scared it will hurt us as well. i don't want to mention it to him and make him worry about it but i just don't know what to do i guess. i love the idea of being a little family with my daughter and then someday having another child with him, but how can i expect that right now? i don't think he would even be able to afford dates right now **sorry if this was hard to understand, i was unsure of how to word things**

Edited April 8, 2015 by sofia426

[Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646]

If he can't take care of himself, how can he take care of you and a family?

[sofia426]

If he can't take care of himself, how can he take care of you and a family?

 

I understand, but I cant just give up on him either just because of the financial issue. i just don't know what to do...

[StalwartMind]

Now seems like a good time to take a step back and regain a broader view over the entire situation. This doesn't mean that you've received a doom sentence with the relationship, merely that it's good for the both of you to think about how you wish to approach this in the most sensible way. Regardless of one's personal view on money and finances, we all need money to get by. Neither of you would be selfish for taking care of yourself first and foremost. In fact this is highly recommended if you seriously want this to work. No one should discourage others from attempting to follow their heart or mind, if anything they should give them sensible advice.

 

You and he know best what you are willing to sacrifice, it's not for others to judge. It's true many people will always choose the most easy way out and working hard for something to work that is a bit (or a lot) against the odds even less find appealing. Regardless of that, there is no shame or fame for belonging in either category. If you are both sensible, caring and responsible people then you'll also respect and understand what the other decide even if it's not your preferred course of action. I'd always encourage people to give things a chance and think things through, because giving up is not something that run through my own veins. Speak with him and even have discussions that may be difficult. There is no point in ignoring a problem that is present. Doing that is the same as putting it in a drawer and hoping it'll magically disappear, but it'll still be there the next time you have to open it.

 

If your bond and relationship is strong enough you'll stand the test of time and make do and find a solution. Naturally the best would be an instant result but those are rare so set your estimate within reasonable time. Best of luck which ever way you choose to approach this.

[sofia426]

Now seems like a good time to take a step back and regain a broader view over the entire situation. This doesn't mean that you've received a doom sentence with the relationship, merely that it's good for the both of you to think about how you wish to approach this in the most sensible way. Regardless of one's personal view on money and finances, we all need money to get by. Neither of you would be selfish for taking care of yourself first and foremost. In fact this is highly recommended if you seriously want this to work. No one should discourage others from attempting to follow their heart or mind, if anything they should give them sensible advice.

 

You and he know best what you are willing to sacrifice, it's not for others to judge. It's true many people will always choose the most easy way out and working hard for something to work that is a bit (or a lot) against the odds even less find appealing. Regardless of that, there is no shame or fame for belonging in either category. If you are both sensible, caring and responsible people then you'll also respect and understand what the other decide even if it's not your preferred course of action. I'd always encourage people to give things a chance and think things through, because giving up is not something that run through my own veins. Speak with him and even have discussions that may be difficult. There is no point in ignoring a problem that is present. Doing that is the same as putting it in a drawer and hoping it'll magically disappear, but it'll still be there the next time you have to open it.

 

If your bond and relationship is strong enough you'll stand the test of time and make do and find a solution. Naturally the best would be an instant result but those are rare so set your estimate within reasonable time. Best of luck which ever way you choose to approach this.

 

but I don't even know how to bring up such a touchy subject. when I confronted the issue with a past relationship, they took it completely the wrong way and it never healed.

I don't want to worry him more than what he already is, and I know that he is troubled by it because he told me he is. I feel bad because I don't have a job (I am 26) and I haven't gone to college or anything. I don't currently work because my daughter needs me because she doesn't really have anyone else. I wish that I could help him out when the time would come to be together. I don't like that he feels that its all on him. but even then, I would only have a part time job. :/

[fitnessfan365]

Don't you think it's a bit hypocritical of you to judge a man's financial situation when you're out of work yourself? Your first concern should be to find a job of your own. Then once you're supporting yourself and your daughter, you can start to date.

 

Plus, if you really want men to believe that you're not looking for a handout, it sends a better message when you're an employed single mother vs one that is out of work.

[CC12]

You're putting the cart before the horse. Why don't you try meeting him in person and going on a few dates to see if you're even compatible in real life. If it looks like things might become serious, you can worry about his financial situation then.

 

i mean i am not looking for him to pay for me and my daughter everywhere we go or everything we would do together

 

I think you should probably be more honest with yourself. You said that at best you'd have a part-time job, so you kind of are looking for a man to be the bread-winner, right? So maybe he's not the right man for you. Find someone else with a good, stable job.

 

Personally, though, I think you ought to strive to be able to take care of yourself and your daughter on your own, rather than relying on a man. Is there any reason you can't do this?

[Toodaloo]

Don't you think it's a bit hypocritical of you to judge a man's financial situation when you're out of work yourself? Your first concern should be to find a job of your own. Then once you're supporting yourself and your daughter, you can start to date.

 

Plus, if you really want men to believe that you're not looking for a handout, it sends a better message when you're an employed single mother vs one that is out of work.

 

My thoughts...

 

Also it doesn't sound as though you have even met him yet...

 

If he got a good job once then he can do it again.

[PegNosePete]

we have not met

This is the only piece of your post that is worth reading. You have never met this guy. You don't even know him. It could all be lies. Maybe he never had the good job? Maybe he doesn't have a good car? Maybe he is a 12 year old boy having a laugh? You are talking about building a life and a family and having another child with a guy you've never even met! Doesn't that sound just a little crazy to you?

 

Nothing is real until you meet.

 

I'll repeat that...

 

NOTHING IS REAL UNTIL YOU MEET.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This is the only piece of your post that is worth reading. You have never met this guy. You don't even know him. It could all be lies. Maybe he never had the good job? Maybe he doesn't have a good car? Maybe he is a 12 year old boy having a laugh? You are talking about building a life and a family and having another child with a guy you've never even met! Doesn't that sound just a little crazy to you?

 

Nothing is real until you meet.

 

I'll repeat that...

 

NOTHING IS REAL UNTIL YOU MEET.

 

 

Thank god someone said this before I had to! OP, you haven't met. None of this is real. He could be anyone and you could not be attracted to one another and it could all be fantasy and yet you're already thinking about how he might support you and your daughter? Thinking about whether his finances are going to be sufficient? Thinking about having another child with him!?

 

My gut feeling is that you need to take a step back because you're just not emotionally mature enough to date, no rational sane woman with a child to think about would be talking like you are right now. Im not trying to judge here but you already chose to have a kid with one deadbeat guy who as you say is a terrible father, shouldn't you be working on yourself, and supporting your daughter and becoming self sufficient before you start dating again? If you were mature and sorted and were ready to date again then great, but your post here has proven that you really aren't. Don't drag your kid into this drama of having a Mom hopping about looking for a new father figure, you haven't even met the guy and you're already thinking about him supporting you. I get that it's pointless to meet and date if he really is a deadbeat like your ex but you say you've been talking a while... Why haven't you met already instead of creating this pseudo relationship online where you're talking about a future before you've even sat in the same room? Bonkers.

[Diezel]

ok so I have been talking to a great guy online for quite awhile now. we have not met but we talk almost every single day and we have discussed almost everything imaginable.

 

Anything after this is moot.

 

How about you try meeting the guy first and then jump to the other 1,000 conclusions?

[introverted1]

You haven't even met this guy. It's possible nothing he has told you is the truth. It's possible all of it is.

 

Honestly, it sounds as though you are most interested in this guy because of what he can do for you -- be a father to your daughter and provide for you financially. That's not a healthy basis for a r/s.