very-confused-girl Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Recently I have been just thinking about the unfairness of life - that absolutely everything comes with some price. Imagine if you found yourself an everyday type of a person as a partner, you would probably spare yourself the pain of dealing with other people wanting to steal your partner. But you would have "just" everyday type of a partner. If you find yourself somebody very special, great, amazing, intelligent, you might be extremely fullfilled by the other person, but most likely you will not be the only person who would find your partner amazing, which might eventually lead to some pain in the future as well. If you choose to be with very young inexperienced person, the plusses are that you will not be dealing with issues regarding your patner´s expartners. But you might be trapped with feeling that your partner will long for acquiring more experiences with other people. If you choose to be with older experienced person, the person might be quite wise, the person would know how to deal with some issues of yours, would be able to teach you, but most likely you will have to deal with the fact that your partner had already some experiences before you or even your partner was already married and even has children from past relationship. You can basically never be in absolutely perfect situation. Theres always gonna be something to deal with. To give you an example, I have 36 year old boyfriend (I am 23) and he is very loving and caring, tells me 10 times a day how he loves me, ironically he does not have children from his previous relationships. But he is a photographer and because some of his exgirlfriends were models, he has tons of pictures of them in bikinis and stuff like that, that he will NOT chuck away, because it is his work and because he does not chuck away stuff, he is the typical male who collects stuff. He also has some videos of him and his exgirlfriends making love, he does not watch them, he has them hidden somewhere, and one day when we are going to live together, I know for sure that he will not have these things around in OUR house, he will organize a special place, shed or garage where he will store all his stuff - documents, photos, videos, etc... but just the idea that he has these materials somewhere will probably always bother me. Otherwise I cant complain and I am happy with him. I just wanted you to give me some insight of all this concept of impossibility of being in absolutely perfect situation.
Grinning Maniac Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 I don't think that has so much to do with "life" being unfair as much as it does with you probably being a bit insecure... My $0.02
CurlyIam Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 As I see it, I think that it depends a lot on what you can live with. My first bf was from many pov perfect. PErfect intelectual compatibility, great circle of friends, we would go out a LOT, party a LOT and he NEVER ever ever made me feel unsure about myself, about him or about our relationship. HE just knew I was everything he ever wanted. Ok, downside: he was cheap. Never bought me flowers twice and his gifts to me usually sucked. That didn't change when he got a big time job, or when he had a promotion. Another thing: also he did think highly of me, nothing that I did could ever compare to what he did - I was still a student then. IT pissed me off. And the housework. Practically not contributing to it ( we had lived together for 2 maybe 3 years). What made me give up the relationship - our sex life was became such a routine, my attraction towards him had dropped to level 0, also he was/is a very attractive young man. So I can confirm you that there are men out ther who know how to make their gf feel secure. That I can confirm you. But there will always, always be a downside to it. So I guess the secret is to find that man whose downsides are the least bothering to you. The next bf I had enjoyed being in the center of the attention. Made me feel unsecure, also he did love me. Was totally immature. Add that to the mix: I dumped him. So now, I spend my free time philosophing about them, rather than just dating them, LOL! Personally, photos of other girls in bikini in plain vue is a big no-no to me, kind of red flag. Be extra careful, girl.
Author very-confused-girl Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Quite honestly, I dont even care so much about the photos of models, since I can understand it is his work. But I am a bit jealous of the videos of him and his gf-s making love. I just wanted to state that to me it seems like everything in life comes with a price. Exactly, there is always going to be a downside.
CurlyIam Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Well, hum... how am I to say it... I'm so far from being perfect, so I guess each and every man dating me felt there was a price he had to pay... chances are the same goes for you. As for the tapes, he'd better pray they don't get into your pretty little hands (all's fair in love and war)!
Mz. Pixie Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Yeah, I know what you're saying- With my xhusband, I was basically the first girl that he ever loved that loved him in return........he was inexperienced and although only a year younger, immature. I thought he would grow up but he never did. He was very selfish and didn't put me first. He did do some things right, he didn't cheat (that I know of) he worked, he was a pretty good dad (when he was home) and he didn't hit me. He was also very attracted to me and still chased me around after 18 years of dating/marriage. He would never have even admitted to looking at other women. Enter BF- he's been single a good majority of his life. He's a year younger but way more mature than XH. He was only married for five years out of 36. He has a son, and I have two kids and I SWORE I'd never be involved with anyone that had children. He's very giving and affectionate- where my XH was not. He takes care of me sometimes, instead of me having to take care of him all the time. He's a partner. He's very into communication, however, and sometimes that makes things tough. Whereas if I was upset about something I could hide it from my XH but not from my BF. The downside to this is that he's had more experience and lovers than me- we run into women he's dated quite a bit, he has a ex wife who dumped him for another man, been cheated on and carries that baggage. I get a little jealous when I think about all the women in his life (two of them were models and a Hawaiian Tropic winner). The upside to this is that he was/is very ready for a committment and knows what he wants in a partner. So, yeah, it's a trade off. There are downsides to every relationship. What's important is that each person put forth the effort to make that work. Because it is work, and hard work.
MadDog Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by very-confused-girl Quite honestly, I dont even care so much about the photos of models, since I can understand it is his work. But I am a bit jealous of the videos of him and his gf-s making love. I just wanted to state that to me it seems like everything in life comes with a price. Exactly, there is always going to be a downside. Finding the glass 10% empty, eh VCG? If the videos/photos are the only downsides to your relationship, I think you'd be wiser concentrating on all that's good about your relationship. Obsessing about perfection is clearly a one way ticket to crazytown. MD
Author very-confused-girl Posted April 17, 2005 Author Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by MadDog Finding the glass 10% empty, eh VCG? If the videos/photos are the only downsides to your relationship, I think you'd be wiser concentrating on all that's good about your relationship. Obsessing about perfection is clearly a one way ticket to crazytown. MD I know MD, I know, you are right, but what I mean is that there is ALWAYS going to be a downside. To every relatioship, or it at least seems to me like that. Or you do guys have a different experiences? Maybe some of you found a partner where everything would be 100 percent cool. And maybe you are right, maybe it is BS to try to find somebody where everything is going to be perfect 100 percent.
LoveAlways Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 I agree VCG-I'd also like to know who's found perfection in their relationships or if its exists. You're called a cynic if you believe that no relationships can possibly be perfect, they all have their negatives- or a partner can never be (in the long run) perfect i.e exactly 101% in tune with your every need and desire rendering it impossible to disappoint you in any way... And then you're called an idealist if you believe you can find the perfect partner and have a perfect relationship forever. I think there's a psychologically advanced ***2 year rule*** which generalises that the first two years of a relationship are the best with regard to levels of happiness, satisfaction, excitement and feeling "in love". In the first two years the partners think they're perfect for each other and are going to get married and so on. Breaking up often coincides with the two year mark because the couple face their first challenges, which, if they weren't made to face before because their relationship hadn't reached such a deep level yet, they come to deal with -and its make or break. If they weren't strong enough in the first place, they end things. And if they are meant to be 2getha, they transcend the two year mark and all the probs it brings... But thats just a generalisation
moimeme Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 And maybe you are right, maybe it is BS to try to find somebody where everything is going to be perfect 100 percent. I think it is exceedingly naive to believe there's such a thing as 'perfection'. However, if you don't sweat the small stuff and learn to appreciate the good, you can create your own brand of happiness which feels every bit as good - and isn't conditional on the actions of others.
Tony T Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 First, I think this guy was extremely rude even telling you he had videos of himself making love to other women. That's a very personal matter. Pardon me for being old fashioned, but I sort of thought that making love was very special and private. He surely didn't tape these sessions for educational purposes, did he? Anyway, now that you know about them I think you ought to make it clear at some point that if you marry the guy these tapes go out the door. I'm really sorry....I just have to wonder about people who tape this stuff. Well, it didn't seem to bother Paris Hilton so much and Pamela Anderson seemed to survive her love tapes. Let's hope that when he tapes the two of you they don't end up being sold on the Internet.
westernxer Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by very-confused-girl He also has some videos of him and his exgirlfriends making love, he does not watch them, he has them hidden somewhere, and one day when we are going to live together, I know for sure that he will not have these things around in OUR house, he will organize a special place, shed or garage where he will store all his stuff - documents, photos, videos, etc... but just the idea that he has these materials somewhere will probably always bother me. Sugar daddy's gonna put you in his next video... if you even make it that far.
johan Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 I think it's damn wierd to want to film yourself having sex. Watching it would be 100 times worse than hearing your own voice on the answering machine. I could see once as kind of an experiment and you either toss it or hide it away, but people who do it all the time with a lot of partners... Something odd about that to me. As far as relationships go, perfection is in the eye of the beholder. A relationship where you never have issues would also be one where you never have to work and true intimacy might not be possible. You wouldn't get to know all facets of the other's personality, and without knowing the complete person, you can't claim to love the complete person. Hardship and problem solving are the only paths to real knowledge and true love.
CurlyIam Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 I hope there's no need to get dramatic over this one. Unless those ladies didn't know they were being filmed. Then you'd be right to start asking yourself questions.
moimeme Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Some people really enjoy watching themselves. Remember mirrors on the ceiling? As for the tapes - he's a lot older than you. How does he know you're not going to ditch him one day? Or get run over by a bus? I don't think anyone should be 'made' to destroy their memories. Maybe if you two are joyfully married for many years, you can start eliminating memories of the past, but if it were me, so long as the items are locked away and represent memories of the past rather than present longings, I'd have no problem with it. I would hope very much that any fellow of mine would work with me to ensure that he's every bit as happy with me under the sheets (or wherever) as he's been with anybody else (and of course, I'd be going for ' and muchmore so' )so that even watching those tapes wouldn't cause him to regret being with me
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