minimus Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Ok so me and my gf have been together about 7 months. And it seems like we both make each other happy. But there's been things I've been thinking a lot about. Mainly, I think she's a much more negative person than I originally thought. When we first started dating, I remember we used to have a lot of fun together. We used to go out on hikes, explore new cities, drive places in the middle of the night and just look at the night sky, etc. But I've noticed as times gone on, we don't do those things anymore. I mean I still want to, but every time I suggest it she's always too tired or feeling sick or in a bad mood. So we usually just end up doing nothing. Now I've asked her about this and she says she has a lot of family problems. And I totally understand. I've had family issues too and i know how hard it can be. But tbh, I don't know if thats the real problem. I'm sure it plays a part, but I think I'm realizing she's just a very negative and cynical person. She can be very pessimistic about things and is always expecting the worst. Even when dealing with people, the majority of the things she says about them are negative. I don't mind cheering her up I love her, but if it's all the time it starts to get draining after a while. Know what I mean? She says she loves spending time with me because Im such a positive upbeat person. And I know it might sound selfish, but I also want to be with someone who makes me feel that way. And as she becomes more and more moody, I'm not sure I do. And as time goes on, it's getting harder and harder to ignore it. So my question is, have any of you dealt with a partner like this? Are the family issues maybe just an excuse? I was thinking maybe she's changed from when we first met because the thrill of a new relationship is wearing off and now we're finally seeing each other for who we really are. I want to help her if the family issues are the problem. But at the same time, if theyre not and we keep this going, it's only going to get harder with time
Gloria25 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Depends on what's stressing her out... I mean, how does the family's issues affect her? How long has the family had issues? Is there an end in sight? I have been dealing with many of stressful things going on three years now. It started affecting my libido when I had a FWB and even after things ended with him, when I'm really stressed out I can't even orgasm from masturbation. I've snapped to the point where some people w/o even knowing half of what I'm dealing with said I'm showing signs of someone going through an overwhelming amount of stress and I have my days - like this week - where I think I'm gonna break. I've isolated myself from friends and dating - in part cuz of my budget - which makes it worst...cuz sometimes I just wanna go out on the town and stuff I used to do and it just sucks. So, I can see where your gf might be so stressed that she is just not relationship material right now....but something's gotta give. Either she gives into the stress and let it keep her down or she tap into you and enjoy you and the effort you do to keep her happy. I had to really push myself to relax and enjoy time with my FWB despite my gloom cuz I didn't feel it was right to neglect him cuz of my crappy situation.
craw Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 She says she loves spending time with me because Im such a positive upbeat person. And I know it might sound selfish, but I also want to be with someone who makes me feel that way. To put it bluntly, Break up with her immediately. It is EXTREMELY important that you are with someone who is positive. It is emotionally draining to be with someone who is a moody f*ck. You will never be able to change her, you will just pick up her negative energy and poison yourself. Edit: it's not family issues, it's her perspective on life.
preraph Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Everyone has different ways of coping. I have a "positive" friend who used to insult me regularly by pointing out when I didn't meet her criteria of being "positive." I finally pointed out to her that there were few things more negative than always contradicting people trying to spin something into something positive and telling them they're negative. We had a pow-wow about it, and in the end, she said it was for herself. In other words, she's doing her affirmations out loud at other people. I told her if it's for herself, to keep it TO herself, and so far she's done pretty well and getting along much better. Live is not a bowl of cherries. You can't expect most normal people to try to spin it and pretend that it is just to make you feel better. Best solution, get a solid foundation under you where you don't need someone else to mirror you to feel good.
deathandtaxes Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Emotional vampires. They will suck you dry. 1
SpiralOut Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) Normally I AM the partner who is like this. All I can say is this: if your girlfriend is unaware of her own negativity, she's not going to change. Pointing it out to her may help, but it may not be enough. She needs to want to change for her own reasons. She is going through problems right now, so what is she doing to cope? Does she make any attempt to improve her mood, or does she wallow in it? I think the relationship could be workable if she makes real efforts to improve her attitude. By efforts I mean she actually does something as opposed to saying "okay I'll start doing this" and then never does it. It's unfortunately not something you have any control over. She is in charge of her own attitude. If she doesn't care about changing, then her life situation won't matter because once her family problems are over, another problem will take over and she'll be upset over that. And so on and so forth. Nobody is ever free of problems. I can be the negative partner in my relationship, but when I feel myself going too far with it, I make time for a yoga class, or take a night to myself, do something nice for myself, meditate, pray. I still read self-help books. It puts me into a better state of mind so I'm more pleasant to be around. I don't want to be a black hole of negativity because nobody wants to be around that. So it depends on your girlfriends level of awareness, and how willing she is to improve her attitude. If she makes no effort to change, then I don't blame you for ending the relationship. You've gotta do what's best for you. Edited April 9, 2015 by SpiralOut
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