Mentally Ill Partner Left Me

[Miss Sisyphus]

My ex-husband and I were married for seven years. After the divorce, we got back together. We have been on and off since almost the beginning of the relationship. He had a psychotic break and was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia soon after we started dating. He has also been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. And I'm pretty sure he's passive-aggressive. But I was so crazy about him that I stuck it out--I ended up marrying him, like I said.

 

Over the years he has left me and our daughters (one biological, one step-daughter) for weeks at a time. His leaving usually was the result of psychotic breaks. Although he left one time because he didn't like my relationship with my daughter's father--the latter of who is now deceased). He always went to his dad's--never to be with another woman. His paranoia kept him from contacting us for weeks at a time. Simply put, it has been years of stress--never knowing when he would abandon us. Usually he leaves after an argument. He can't handle conflict--that's why I think he's passive-aggressive. (That and the fact that he did something underhanded to a former boss.)

 

Anyway, we've been fixing up the house to sell it this May. We were all looking forward to moving to a new state. But three weeks ago we had an argument about him not helping me fix the car (I said he was acting childish) and--you guessed it--he left.

 

He has kept in touch. He says he has no self-esteem left. He says the relationship is over for good this time, but that he wants to stay friends. He wants to talk on the phone every couple of days. I said I can't make the transition from partner to friend that quickly. I told him it's easier for him because he was the "dumper." He said he doesn't want to "just end it like this" and not have me in his life at all. He finished up saying he loved me and he liked me, and that he will call our daughter in a few days. He said if I want to talk to him when he calls her that I can. I told him that I need time to process it all.

 

This has happened so many times over the past 15 years that I just expect that we'll get back together again in a month or two. But I don't think that will happen this time. I think it's really over, and it's scary. All of our plans have been shot to hell. Maybe that's what he wanted? Maybe he was afraid we would move out of state and I would throw him out and he would have nowhere to go. He was always afraid I was going to throw him out even though he was the one who left. In fact, he said it's better that it happened here than after we moved. That's confusing.

 

Is it really over? If so, how can I accept it? I know I'm codependent. So this is even more mind-blowing for me.

Edited April 8, 2015 by Miss Sisyphus

[TunaCat]

You need to take control of this. Of course it's sad that he's mentally ill and from the sounds of it, he's unmedicated. For your sake and for your kids sake, you've got to leave the marriage. You need to decide enough is enough and that you and your kids deserve better.

 

And yes you are definitely codependent and you need to get counseling for that. You cannot allow him to make sole decisions about the marriage.

 

Your kids deserve stability.

[loveweary11]

My diagnosed mentally ill ex left as well, blowing our plans apart too. She had a knack for ruining most of those beautiful, sunny, care free days off, too.

 

I think a lot of mentally ill people get really freaked out when things go well and according to plan in their lives.

[Miss Sisyphus]

It sucks when THEY leave. We're supposed to be the ones who go.

 

What was her diagnosis, if you don't mind saying?

 

And, how are you coping?

[Miss Sisyphus]

Tuna Cat, I don't know how to take control...

[goldway90]

I know what you're going through, it's one the hardest things you go through really, you such a strong woman.

schizophrenia is such an awful illesn and unless it's managed you're for some big roller coaster, i think the only way to save this is getting him to get help after he comes down from his mania but he seems in denial, such a tough situation. You have to take care of yourself for the time being and hope for the best.

You can join some online support groups with some experienced members when it comes to mental illness, if you like i'll give you the link.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry to hear what's happened. I can understand that you don't want this to be the end. I'm sure you know that this is/has been a very dysfunctional relationship. You partner might be mentally ill but I doubt most people would tolerate him just walking out that often. It's such an unstable situation for you and your family. In fact, I would say most people would not tolerate this and the relationship would have ended long ago.

 

At a guess, your partner uses disconnection (leaving) as a way of controlling you and others. Especially with you, he knows if he walks out you will have him back. There is no incentive for him to behave better when he is capable of doing it. I guess that's fine as long as you don't mind being treated like this, but it is a hell of a way to be treated. Where you are worrying that he might not come back, most would be saying 'good riddance!'

 

It's a real pity that you have allowed him to behave like this over the years because of your fear of losing him. It must have had an impact on your kids. I know that people on here will recommend no contact and I would too as he should not be able to rely on your company if he walks out on you. He may have gone for good. You could call his bluff and go no contact or at least only allow him contact with the kids not you, but of course he may go for good (may have done anyway). He may, however, learn that you are not going to give in to him this time. The alternative is to continue to allow him to abuse you and the kids by letting him back whenever he feels like it. He already feels he can walk in and out of your life (and the kids' lives) at will. He knows you will let him.

 

Quite frankly, unless you do decide to give up on this guy and shut him off as much as possible, he will stride about in your life at will and abuse your good nature. You have a choice: bend to his rules all the time or take a stance and get rid of his abusive presence. I suspect you will choose to take him back in any form at any cost.

[Miss Sisyphus]

spiderowl, I'm reading the Breakup Recovery Guide. Strange as it sounds, it's empowering to know that because I am the dumpee, I have the right to stop contact with him. I always thought that would be cruel. And, considering his mental problems, I was afraid I would somehow do more damage by ignoring him. But leaving was HIS choice. I have to remember that for him walking away was preferable to staying. If he calls, I'll let my daughter decide whether or not she wants to answer the phone and talk to him.

 

Goldway90, I would like the link if you're allowed to post it. Thanks!

Edited April 8, 2015 by Miss Sisyphus

[carhill]

OP, try googling 'schizophrenia support forums' and peruse the results. Psych Central has a pretty good mix.

 

I started a support forum about ten years ago when I was caregiving for a paraphrenic dementia sufferer but it focuses more on dementia and Alzheimer's and ran its course as the internet developed and big commercial forums took over. To me, the hard parts were the psychotic episodes and violence.

 

Tough row to hoe. My sympathies.

[Miss Sisyphus]

Thank you, carhill, I'll do that. You must be a saint to have put up with the violence. Fortunately my ex was never mean during his psychotic episodes. He was usually hiding in a dark room somewhere waiting for "them" to come and torture/kill him.

 

On another subject:

I also want to thank you for the financial advice regarding profits earned from the sale of my house! I'm going to have to read your posts again to grasp it all. But I know it's helpful beyond what I was hoping for.

[PinkElephants]

I too dated someone who wasn't mentally healthy. It was a codependent relationship and absolutely exhausting. It's over when you decide to end the cycle since you've given him no incentive to change and it would probably be best for the kids to stop exposing them to the dysfunction.

 

Accepting that it's over is hard because as much as you know it's unhealthy, it's also all you know and there's familiarity and therefore some comfort in the pain and stress. I started by creating a journal and writing down every red flag I missed or excused away so I was sure to be aware in case I ran across a similar person in the future.

 

Finally, I just want to offer some encouragement. Unlike Sisyphus, you are not bound to hell. You are not doomed to repeat the same futile action forever only to watch it fall and start over. You have the power to change your life for the better.

[fireflywy]

I too dated someone who wasn't mentally healthy. It was a codependent relationship and absolutely exhausting. It's over when you decide to end the cycle since you've given him no incentive to change and it would probably be best for the kids to stop exposing them to the dysfunction.

 

Accepting that it's over is hard because as much as you know it's unhealthy, it's also all you know and there's familiarity and therefore some comfort in the pain and stress. I started by creating a journal and writing down every red flag I missed or excused away so I was sure to be aware in case I ran across a similar person in the future.

 

Finally, I just want to offer some encouragement. Unlike Sisyphus, you are not bound to hell. You are not doomed to repeat the same futile action forever only to watch it fall and start over. You have the power to change your life for the better.

 

Creating a list of red flags is tremendously helpful and recommended. I created one and carry it around in my pocket and any time I have that yearning to communicate, I look at it. I can forgive her for who she is, but I won't stop realizing that who she is doesn't work with me.

 

Try and remember the same.

[loveweary11]

It sucks when THEY leave. We're supposed to be the ones who go.

 

What was her diagnosis, if you don't mind saying?

 

And, how are you coping?

 

Sorry it took me a while to respond. Yes, I stuck it out, thinking we could beat it. The entire time we were together we worked on it, like a 2nd job. She had many different diagnosed and her final and most accurate as borderline. There's a lot of schizophrenia in there as well. Ran in her family. Mom can't leave the house, great aunt is in a home and had a lobotomy, etc...

 

Smelled things burning, voices in her head, thought everyone was plotting against her, thought the government was controlling me, etc... Thought she might stab me in my sleep fir while. She got worse and worse, then snapped and had a complete personality change. Basically, the girl I married died.

 

It was a while ago. You will actually feel a great weight lifted soon... a relief that your ordeal as a caregiver is over. coping is only short term. It'll turn to relief and wonder as to how you stayed with that person so long.

Edited April 9, 2015 by loveweary11

[Miss Sisyphus]

I'm sorry to hear you had to go through all that trauma with your ex. It's a cliche to say it's an emotional roller coaster, but it sums it up pretty accurately. I didn't even know it was possible for a person to have a complete change of personality. It's weird how our brains seem to have a "mind of their own" .

 

You know, my ex's own sisters told me that they wouldn't stay with their husbands if they developed schizophrenia. I wish I had that sort of self-preservation. I just never know when to give up (co-dependence).

 

I hope I do start to feel relieved soon. Really soon.