DJOkawari Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) Hey everyone, this is long but it just summarizes my previous situation and my current problem. Previous situation: I've been doing pretty well recently...well until very recently. So, my ex broke up with me almost precisely 5 months ago. I believe a large portion of the break up is due to how we were both depressed (both of us ended up separately seeking therapy and being diagnosed with seasonal depression...it was the worst winter in a while). She called me about 1.5 months after that and wanted me back, but I was too upset. We were in NC for a month after that (so 2.5 months after the break up) and she came and told me she knew that I was the only guy for her but we should "take it slow". Taking it slow ended a month later when after hanging out she said "I had fun with you but I just don't feel anything" - I didn't argue much, I felt that was a very "final" thing to say. So that was 5 weeks ago, she would send me things on facebook and I would respond with short, polite messages until about 16 days ago when I enforced NC. I didn't respond to her last FB message and she didn't bother sending more. I don't really have a problem with control so I left all lines of communication open but I haven't had any desire to use them (and neither has she). We're still friends on fb, etc. Current problem: So the story is...I went to a networking conference this past Friday (her and I both went together last year) and I expected to end up seeing her there. There were thousands of people there and I didn't see her, but I spent a large portion of it thinking about her - which sucked. I also ended up seeing her best friend who said she was there (just volunteered this information, I didn't ask). Anyway I didn't end up seeing her but I thought about her a lot and probably she ended up seeing me. Then yesterday, I was visiting my friend at the library and he stated "I'm on the fourth floor" quietly over the phone...I heard "first" and so I went there and naturally, I see my ex...studying. She didn't see me however and I just called my friend and took care of my business. This sort of non-interaction really shook me though. I am seeing this new girl now (actually I'm kind of dating around), she's pretty fun and we chose to go to a fun event. It involves local artists, music, food, etc. and it's our second date. The event is on Thursday and I was pretty excited for it until I saw on the event page that my ex had posted advertising her art (as the artists for the event were doing...I swear I had no idea she would be doing art for this)...so, essentially I'm not happy about that either. I'm just confused on what to do. I am at 16 days of NC and I've only been to my ex's facebook page once in that time (right before I wrote this...I'm freaking out but not because of facebook...it didn't really affect me). I was deeply affected by how yesterday I saw her and then I didn't talk to her or text her or fb message her about seeing her, I just treated her like a stranger and moved on and I realized that's what my life was gonna be like forever - she's a stranger now - and it really shook me. Then this art show event happened. There are 3000 people going (apparently) to this event so I'm not guaranteed to see her, again, but basically I'm not dealing with this well. When she left me, she immediately went into a rebound (which ended before she asked for me back) and basically I feel that there isn't anything that can be done to fix our situation. I have no desire to talk to her or try to become friends or win her back because there is literally nothing I can think to say to her. I'm happier with myself now than I was before. I just still hurt and I'm not looking forward to this art event any more. It's just been an unlucky last 5 days I guess. Any advice? I wanna go but I also don't want my date to suck. I don't know if she has a new guy or not but I don't really want to deal with that on the whole anyway, I'm sure I'll think that she's with any male that spends time with her. I want to be over this bull****, my life is great otherwise. On a side note, over this past weekend my roommate - yup between the networking event and the library thing - who has never been in a relationship before just met a really great girl and he's completely lovey-dovey with her all the time now and I'm happy for him because it's his first experience like this but also I'm just so absurdly envious as I dwell on this ex situation. It's really lame thinking on my part. Like I've been saying my life is objectively really amazing. Any piece is objectively "better" than before this break up but some how I'm still almost always upset over this. I've been thinking about this: “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.” - Lao Tzu A simplification, of course, but I believe it, however, it's my present that is messing with me right now. Edited April 7, 2015 by DJOkawari
Cinnamonstix Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present. I love that quote! I'm going to offer you some advice, which actually all have to do with avoidance: I think it might be best to avoid situations where there is even a chance that you might see her until you know you can handle running into herI'd also say avoid dating until you are ready. Maybe just focus on meeting new people and having platonic relationships right now. It's only fair to both you and anyone you become involved withI think it's actually ok to avoid your roommate right now and try to spend your time with single people who are happy with themselves (not on the hunt for a relationship) for a while. Nothing wrong with that!
Author DJOkawari Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 (edited) Thanks for replying! I was avoiding my ex for a while. I avoided events that I would've wanted to go to so that I wouldn't see her. I also tried to broaden my own horizons and make new memories by going to events I wouldn't normally be interested in. After a bit of that I decided I would just do what I wanted to and not let the memory of my ex run my life. I guess I attempted that too soon . I'm not really sure what I'll do about Thursday because my date really wants to go and I don't really want to tell her "I don't wanna run into my ex", but I guess honesty is the best policy. I guess I could just try to reschedule the whole date. I'll consider both options tomorrow. I'd like to think I'd be there on my date and we'd enjoy our time there and we wouldn't see my ex. I'd also like to think if I did see my ex ( and her friends...all of whom treat me pretty well still...if I see them and they aren't with my ex we usually catch ourselves up on each other's lives) I would just smile and wave and say "Hey!" and just continue on my night. I just don't know if that's possible. It seems possible right now but I have a feeling it won't be so easy. About the dating...I'm definitely taking it slow and just trying to make genuine connections. I'm really getting a feel for what I value (my last relationship was a bit long and I've changed a lot as a person). I don't lie to misrepresent anything and I also don't take initiative for escalating the dates (I'm happy just to get to know a new person). Sometimes for this reason people don't want to see me again even though I thought everything was going great...but I'm okay with this. Just by the nature of my job(s) and how I end up living, I actually have very few close friends (that roommate is one of them), but it should be easy to avoid him for a little. It's actually really hard for me to hang out with people who are happy to be "single" in the sense that most of the people I know who are single spend a decent amount of time chasing their preferred gender (not to be in a relationship, just for something casual). Going out, going to parties, big events they all seem centered around this idea of having fun with your friends and also meeting mates. Finally, it's sadly much easier for me to get dates than it is for me to make friends and maybe that's why I'm going this route of casual dating anyway. Some times the dates become friends too Edited April 8, 2015 by DJOkawari
Cinnamonstix Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 No problem! I really appreciated your responses to my issue as well. You sound like you've got your head on straight and are using this time to become a better person, so kudos to you. I really think you should reschedule your date or just do something else with her instead. Honesty is definitely the best policy, so be up front with your reasoning. Imagine how awkward it is for you to run into your ex alone. Now multiple that by 100 when you run into her with your date. I think it will just lead to too much overthinking later. Save yourself the headache. I know you still have to see your roomie, so maybe just tell him you're happy for him but can't handle hearing about or being around lovey dovey stuff ATM. 1
Author DJOkawari Posted April 10, 2015 Author Posted April 10, 2015 So I ended up just telling the truth and cancelling the date. Dunno how it'll go with this new girl any more but basically my ex is still on my mind almost all the time. It's like when I'm not miserable I think "gosh haven't I forgotten something?"..."oh right you're supposed to be miserable over your ex" and I'm back there. I don't even know what I'd want from my ideal situation. What if my ex and I start dating again... then what? Am i happy then? It doesnt seem that way to me. The only thing I can say for sure is that I miss those tender moments I had with that person who I'm not sure exists any more. This is such an annoying feeling. /end rant
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