How to cope w/break up + people's expectations

[callmesally]

Hello all. I really need advice on two things that are happening simultaneously and causing insult to injury right now.

1) how to move on from breaking up with fiancé. Its been 3 months and I'm still sad and have fallen into a slight depression. I left him,so why am I still so freak'n sad?

 

2) in the midst of trying get over my ex, I feel like my sibling is trying to force me to "get over it" and be something I don't feel like being right now. It just so happens that my sibling just got married and had a child around the time that my fiance and I literally moved away from each other. I've shown my happiness for my sibling and have spent time w their S.O. but i don't reach out as much as my sibling thinks I should,I don't do lots of things my siblings thinks I should and its making me want to stop all communication w/my sibling. My sibling even gets other family members to "chyme in" so to speak and its making me more angry than anything.I'm feeling bullied, as a grown @ss woman,I'm feeling bullied. I typically am seen as rather soft spoken by people and family. I'm tired of having to defend the way I feel. I am NOT over my ex, I'm still trying to stay sane and go to work each day, I do NOT feel excited about my sibling's new family because it reminds me of something I almost had but it ended as soon as my sibling started his new life and at the last minute might I add. So the there wasn't much time for transitioning into new family members... It saddens me.

 

What is your suggestion on how to deal with borderline controlling family while working through your own "stuff"? Please help... I'm tired of allowing others to make me feel bad about feeling the way I do. Am I wrong for that???

 

Thanks everybody

[TunaCat]

First of all, have you tried counseling? I think that could really help with your depression. Breakups are sad no matter who did the dumping. This guy meant a lot to you, and there's no reason why you shouldn't feel sad about the ending of a relationship.

 

Now, as for your family, I truly think they are just trying to help you. I think they are worried about you and that's why they are pushing you into doing things you aren't ready for. In that case, you need to stand up for yourself, explain that you understand that they are trying to help but that their pushing isn't helping you.

 

I do feel bad for your sibling. They had a lot of changes in their life just as you did and they are probably wanting your support and love as they are (attempting) to do the same for you. Your sibling is probably thinking that you are being selfish because you aren't spending a lot of time with the new baby and the new spouse.

 

Of course you're sad that your sibling had a new baby & got married right when your relationship ended, but that's not your sibling's fault. By refusing to spend time with them, you are probably hurting a lot of feelings. It's okay to be sad after the end of a relationship, but it's not okay to distance yourself from your sibling and his new family because of it.

[callmesally]

First of all, have you tried counseling? I think that could really help with your depression. Breakups are sad no matter who did the dumping. This guy meant a lot to you, and there's no reason why you shouldn't feel sad about the ending of a relationship.

 

Now, as for your family, I truly think they are just trying to help you. I think they are worried about you and that's why they are pushing you into doing things you aren't ready for. In that case, you need to stand up for yourself, explain that you understand that they are trying to help but that their pushing isn't helping you.

 

I do feel bad for your sibling. They had a lot of changes in their life just as you did and they are probably wanting your support and love as they are (attempting) to do the same for you. Your sibling is probably thinking that you are being selfish because you aren't spending a lot of time with the new baby and the new spouse.

 

Of course you're sad that your sibling had a new baby & got married right when your relationship ended, but that's not your sibling's fault. By refusing to spend time with them, you are probably hurting a lot of feelings. It's okay to be sad after the end of a relationship, but it's not okay to distance yourself from your sibling and his new family because of it.

 

Thanks tunacat. I understand what you're saying and will be looking into counseling. I don't like feeling like I'm feeling...I really don't.. Just want to clarify that the baby isn't born yet,only conceived. But it all happened basically around the time of the wedding. And the wedding was last minute. So happy for them I just wish I could erase the memories good and bad of my ex and our situation...

 

Me coping this way,(slight depression) has happened before. My sibling did the same thing then by not asking me am I ok but rather bringing out faults when they themself, are far from perfect. My situation is just known by family whereas my sibling likes to portray a certain image as if he has few faults or bad happenings. My fiance was controlling and I resented him being that way because it became emotionally abusive and my sibling knows this, but my sibling is almost the same way but from a different angle...not really abusive just controlling. Just as our father was...

[surferchic]

OP, sounds to me like to have competing priorities and you definitely need assistance sorting things out. Yes, your family is important and your sibling needs/wants your support. Not sure of the family history or issues,but communication helps.

 

That being said, no other individual can tell another human being how to "get over" it or proceed when they aren't in your shoes. Until you take care of your emotional well being,you will not...I repeat will NOT be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Not everyone knows what to say to people when broken hearts especially if they aren't experiencing the hurt or if they don't have the same make-up and past experiences as us. Your breakup is still pretty fresh considering you were going to spend the rest of your life together. Can I ask why the breakup and/or is it reconcilable?

 

Get counseling or at least start confiding in a nonjudgmental, but trustworthy /good sensed individual. Still let your sibling know that you care and try to keep some form of communication with them.

[callmesally]

As much as I'd like to be hopeful of us reconciling, I'm sane enough to know that due to various details of the relationship it would not be wise.

 

Surferchic, I thought this man was extra caring because he was so overprotective,but it was really jealousy he was showing so early on and I ignored it thinking it was "cute". So ,unless a miracle happens we won't be getting back together. I actually left him once and he asked me to come back,so i made the big mistake of going back. All he did was try punishing me and even told me that i should be " all over him" since I'm the one who left HIM. So this time i vowed to myself that i would not go back or suggest we stay together. I think that's mainly why I'm feeling so much pain. While I know its best, the fact that we had ma6ny good times and connections makes me miss some of him. We've been refraining from consistent contact. He's contacted me a few times. I've responded and made contact the same, but it was very minimal. The really bad red flags are deal breakers. unless he makes a 360° change which I don't expect and unless I start subscribing to some fundamental differences that we have, we will 99% most likely stay apart.

Edited April 8, 2015 by callmesally

[callmesally]

And all that saddens me...

 

We got better sometimes, esp toward the very end. Maybe we were just trying to avoid discord? Is there anything I can or should do at this point? I'm not the type of woman who finds it easy to chase a man or be "all over him".

 

He contacted me last when I did an email blast about some work related stuff. He didn't have to respond, but he did saying hello and some other nice/cordial stuff. I miss some of him. Do I do anything at this point?

[muse08]

IMO, some ways to get past the pain and break ups is to

 

1) allow yourself to really feel the pain for several weeks or the amount of time you feel might be appropriate.

 

2) don't be afraid of memories. They let you know you have feeling and you're not completely numb to feeling again for someone else

 

3) respectfully tell friends and loved ones that you're at a place where you need to take care of your emotional well being. Close friends and family may already be aware and I'd think they'd already have understanding and empathy... But you never know.

 

4) decide whether its best to go no contact right away or later. At some point NC definitely is wise.however when some people do it too hastily just b/c others tell them to, they break the NC quickly ... Making that plan less affective.

 

5) let go of anger and resentment . this doesn't mean forget, just know that its their loss if they treated you disrespectfully. If you caused issues as all, then learn, correct and forgive yourself.

 

6) if he's worth a second Chance then allow it to happen , but don't force it.

 

How this helps and that other people share their experience as all...

[callmesally]

Thanks muse08. Yeah, I find some of the thingsb you named to be helpful especially once you get past the initial jolt of no longer seeing, talking, being emotionally and physically intimate and even arguing with that person.

 

Once I'm over the jolt... I'm ok. Right now though I'm not there yet. Don't know if there's hope for us to every reunite or not. So I'm trying to be in the moment of feeling the pain then eventually just moving on.

[luvflower]

Interesting situation...

 

I feel for you callmesally and the situation itself. Its unfortunate that you and your finance parted when your sibling came together with his love. Good for your sibling but yes,it does kinda suck to be sad... However,im sure you had good reason to leave yojr fiance. Its never easy coping with a breakup especially if you thought you'd start and spend the rest of your life with someone.

 

Try not to be down for too long but definitely allow yourself to feel the pain.

 

Not sure if many people have had this issue due to the minimal responses in this thread. Nevertheless,I'm glad I found it because I've been through a similar situation and it wasn't easy by any means... You will get through this but have patience with yourself and don't be afraid to continue to advocate for yourself. If not, then who will?

Edited April 10, 2015 by luvflower