No_Go Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 When is the time in a new relationship when you transition into being fully comfortable with each other's presence/absence? We're approaching one-month mark (~15 dates I think), and although from the very beginning we agreed on being exclusive, I still feel a little insecure about the progress of our relationship - in terms of is it time to introduce him to my friends? for more serious conversations? for acting in a non-date mode (casual)? I'm just curious for the experience of the others with new relationships.
d0nnivain Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Try not to stress about when to introduce him to friends. Simply do so when it's organic . . . when there is some reason that you did not create for them to meet. I guess I would start to feel comfortable some time after we started having a sexual relationship and talked about being exclusive. 1
Author No_Go Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 I think is more like that he was initiating most of the activities so far and I want to get more active on that (that's part of my reason to ask the "friends introduction" question). We are exclusive/sexual/spending weekends in his place, no problems in that respect, it is more about integrating each other into our daily lives, this is still not quite there. Try not to stress about when to introduce him to friends. Simply do so when it's organic . . . when there is some reason that you did not create for them to meet. I guess I would start to feel comfortable some time after we started having a sexual relationship and talked about being exclusive.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 In all honesty, exclusive from the very beginning and 15 dates in only a month sounds like a bit much. Also, I worry about hearing the term "non date mode". You should always be in "date mode" putting your best foot forward because that is the person that he has grown to like. If you've been pretending to be something you're not just to make him happy that is a mistake. But I think that both sexes are guilty of this. A man will court the woman in the beginning planning dates all the time and making gestures. The women will dress up more, be more sexual, etc.. Then as time goes on, a man will get complacent and take her for granted not trying to "date" his woman anymore. She'll stop putting effort into dressing up in sexy outfits, lingerie, doing little things for him, and not having sex as much, etc.. I think relationships thrive when both people are ALWAYS in "date mode" and make a constant effort. 2
d0nnivain Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 It's a little early to be part of each other's daily lives. For me that comes much much later like 6 - 9 months in. At this stage there is no need to even consult the other about plans. Do your thing. He fits where he fits. In dating, if I wanted to do something, I made a plan. Then I invited the BF. If he could come great. If no, oh well. In marriage, I consult with DH to pick dates that work. 5
Author No_Go Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Maybe a little faster indeed, our chemistry was very good practically from day 1 so this is with conscious slowing down Now I'm in a stage to evaluate compatibility. "Date mode / non date mode" I mean more for e.g. revealing / sharing the not so good experiences (bitching about work/family in the very beginning too much for a nearly stranger but partners do it...). Like you I'm very much against pretending, but admit that I'm more "nervous" about looking my best at the very beginning (not saying start looking bad in time, just take it easier if I have a bad hair day). In all honesty, exclusive from the very beginning and 15 dates in only a month sounds like a bit much. Also, I worry about hearing the term "non date mode". You should always be in "date mode" putting your best foot forward because that is the person that he has grown to like. If you've been pretending to be something you're not just to make him happy that is a mistake. But I think that both sexes are guilty of this. A man will court the woman in the beginning planning dates all the time and making gestures. The women will dress up more, be more sexual, etc.. Then as time goes on, a man will get complacent and take her for granted not trying to "date" his woman anymore. She'll stop putting effort into dressing up in sexy outfits, lingerie, doing little things for him, and not having sex as much, etc.. I think relationships thrive when both people are ALWAYS in "date mode" and make a constant effort.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 In dating, if I wanted to do something, I made a plan. Then I invited the BF. If he could come great. If no, oh well.. How much notice did you give him? First thing I'll say is that spontaneous dates can be awesome. Like if you get tickets to a show last minute and it's a one time only sort of thing, etc.. But usually, I think that making plans in advance (at least 48 hrs notice) shows respect for the other person's schedule. Let's say I call a woman on Sunday and ask her out for Fri. She says she'll "let me know". Then she doesn't try to confirm until Thurs night or day of. I wouldn't see her on principle and I'd let her know that I'd made other plans. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 When is the time in a new relationship when you transition into being fully comfortable with each other's presence/absence? We're approaching one-month mark (~15 dates I think), and although from the very beginning we agreed on being exclusive, I still feel a little insecure about the progress of our relationship - in terms of is it time to introduce him to my friends? for more serious conversations? for acting in a non-date mode (casual)? I'm just curious for the experience of the others with new relationships. Fifteen dates in a month and exclusivity? That's pretty fast and the reason you're feeling a little insecure. You don't know him well enough yet. It takes time to really feel comfortable in a relationship. Personally, I would not introduce him to family yet. Friends, ok. I wouldn't typically bring anyone home to the family until the 4 - 6 month mark. But at this point, you should just be enjoying each other's company and getting to know each other without too much pressure. Spend some time in exclusivity to focus on each other and observe how he treats you over time. Right now, the endorphins are in high gear. When that starts to fade and the "real" person starts to come through, you may find that he's not really the "one". Manage your emotions and expectations, enjoy the time you spend with him and be relaxed.
Redhead14 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Fifteen dates in a month and exclusivity? That's pretty fast and the reason you're feeling a little insecure. You don't know him well enough yet. It takes time to really feel comfortable in a relationship. Personally, I would not introduce him to family yet. Friends, ok. I wouldn't typically bring anyone home to the family until the 4 - 6 month mark. But at this point, you should just be enjoying each other's company and getting to know each other without too much pressure. Spend some time in exclusivity to focus on each other and observe how he treats you over time. Right now, the endorphins are in high gear. When that starts to fade and the "real" person starts to come through, you may find that he's not really the "one". Manage your emotions and expectations, enjoy the time you spend with him and be relaxed. In addition, there's a term for these kinds of situations -- quickly escalated dating scenarios, called "blow torching" where the man comes on very strong. It's when a man "heats up" very quickly when he first meets a woman; he gets an intense physical attraction right away, is usually calling all the time wanting to see the woman, then it turns off just as quickly all of a sudden (and yes, usually after right around a month!). To help discourage this, the woman needs to pace the dating and ensure they are both moving through all the stages in the right order, at the same time together, and not too quickly. When the man blowtorches, typically, the woman thinks they are in stage 4 and becomes intimate with the man and acts like they are an exclusive couple in love right away. But the man isn't quite there yet, and her portraying them as farther along than they really are helps encourage his backing off. So, she needs to be sure the relationship does not progress too quickly and not buy into the physical intimacy too soon.
Gary S Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Wait six months to introduce your new lover to friends and family. Wait 18 months to 3 years to move in or get married. Like the financial institutions, you want to see a track record over time.
Author No_Go Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 It could be blowtorching but I believe it is not in our case; I forgot to mention that 30% of the activities were in a group (trying to make some friends de novo for both of us); also the days apart we keep minimal contact (text to verify plans only). Saying that decreasing the frequency of dates now will be a bit unnatural (yet I'm still a bit insecure with apart times, if he/I will lose interest). Is there any "natural" way to avoid burnout without explicitly asking for less dates? In addition, there's a term for these kinds of situations -- quickly escalated dating scenarios, called "blow torching" where the man comes on very strong. It's when a man "heats up" very quickly when he first meets a woman; he gets an intense physical attraction right away, is usually calling all the time wanting to see the woman, then it turns off just as quickly all of a sudden (and yes, usually after right around a month!). To help discourage this, the woman needs to pace the dating and ensure they are both moving through all the stages in the right order, at the same time together, and not too quickly. When the man blowtorches, typically, the woman thinks they are in stage 4 and becomes intimate with the man and acts like they are an exclusive couple in love right away. But the man isn't quite there yet, and her portraying them as farther along than they really are helps encourage his backing off. So, she needs to be sure the relationship does not progress too quickly and not buy into the physical intimacy too soon.
Author No_Go Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 I like that idea of track record, but aren't you getting tired of waiting without a natural progression like moving in/ marriage and / or kids? I'm early 30s, he's late 30s, trying to build life (not only our relationship, establishing in general), so just hanging out for years i feel like will not suffice progress-wise.. Wait six months to introduce your new lover to friends and family. Wait 18 months to 3 years to move in or get married. Like the financial institutions, you want to see a track record over time.
Mjm1014 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 OP, don't stress over having them meet your friends and family. Go with the flow-d0nnivain knows what I'm talking about, she recently commented on my relationship issues on here. Basically I fell for that trap, got insecure and pushed her too hard to meet friends and family, and overall started questioning where my relationship was going with this woman. It all went up in flames quickly. I learned my lesson! Keep hanging out and having fun and go with the flow..the minute you think too much into the relationship it will be over and they will be running for the hills. Good luck.
Mjm1014 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 And op, I was at the 2-3 month mark when I asked them to meet my friends and family and that was still too soon for them. Immediately she pulled back and it was an uphill battle from there, which I ended up losing.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Keep hanging out and having fun and go with the flow..the minute you think too much into the relationship it will be over and they will be running for the hills. Good luck. And op, I was at the 2-3 month mark when I asked them to meet my friends and family and that was still too soon for them. Immediately she pulled back and it was an uphill battle from there, which I ended up losing. Just because that happened to you, it doesn't make a certainty for everyone else. You should always preference things by saying "in my experience". But I will say that I do agree that living in the moment and date to date in the first 3 months plus is definitely a solid plan. However, at some point both people need to start taking it beyond with friends, family, etc..
Author No_Go Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Mjm, first sorry to hear that your last relationship didn't work out. I saw your threads and to be honest I don't think you've done anything wrong.. she was just too hesitant, and the premature commitment talk I think was just the trigger but not the cause. Having said that I' taking your advice not to overthink it because I catch myself doing it ever so often. Funnily my guy do it too - badly - e.g. yesterday night he was commenting on words that he said over a week ago and he thought I may have been bothered by. I don't know how to convey it to him but I actually like that he is a normal human being that has hesitations, opinions etc (I've been burned by emotionless sociopaths way too many times). I think the main problem is I have never been into a healthy relationship (not too fast, not too slow), and I think he hasn't been either, we both want ours to be a healthy one, but do not know how to navigate it OP, don't stress over having them meet your friends and family. Go with the flow-d0nnivain knows what I'm talking about, she recently commented on my relationship issues on here. Basically I fell for that trap, got insecure and pushed her too hard to meet friends and family, and overall started questioning where my relationship was going with this woman. It all went up in flames quickly. I learned my lesson! Keep hanging out and having fun and go with the flow..the minute you think too much into the relationship it will be over and they will be running for the hills. Good luck.
Author No_Go Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Just because that happened to you, it doesn't make a certainty for everyone else. You should always preference things by saying "in my experience". But I will say that I do agree that living in the moment and date to date in the first 3 months plus is definitely a solid plan. However, at some point both people need to start taking it beyond with friends, family, etc.. Fitnessfan, I'm pretty clueless how to do this transition from date to date into more serious. All my past experience is either jumping from nothing to all exclusive (disasters after), or fading away (from infrequent to nonexistent). So can you describe how/when you move from "living in the moment" to "making common plans for the future"?
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