simon_uk Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Has anybody ever dumped somebody because that person didnt commit to them as soon as they would have liked? I know my ex still loves me but she has no faith in me now. She thinks that if we got back together then things would go back to the way we were, ie us living seperate lives. I have tried in vain to tell her otherwise. I called round to see her mum yesterday just to drop a letter off for the ex. Kind of a closure letter really, just so I know that I have done everything I could. I dont expect the letter to suddenly make her change her mind. But from past experiences, has anyone eve dumped somebody because they thought the other person wasn't going to commit but then give it another go? We were together nearly two years and had both been badly hurt in previous relationships. Thank You for Reading Simon
ollydolly Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 No - it intrigued me! I was used to people committing to me rather quickly and the one that took his time really got my attention. I've been with him ever since. He took his time and I think I liked it :-) ps it really bothered me for a while.
Merin Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Yes I have broke things off with someone who didn't get into the relationship... There were other factors that were involved.. but yeah.. after almost 2 years together with my EXBF he kept promising this, that, the other and never followed through. After awhile a person does begin to loose faith that thier SO will do the right things.. it isn't what you say in a relationship it's what you do.. the actions you put forward that becomes reality. When I ended the relationship it was painful because although I still loved him a lot, I didn't believe him anymore.. he cried and begged me to give him another chance.. but after 2 years of fighting an uphill battle I already knew things would never change regardless of how sincere he seemed in his words that he would change.. In my case it was a little to little... a lot to late...
Author simon_uk Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Agreed actions do speak louder than words, so do you think anything will be able to make things right? Perhaps a grand gesture of some kind. I dont know, anyhting? I dont care what it takes. Simon
Merin Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Originally posted by simon_uk Agreed actions do speak louder than words, so do you think anything will be able to make things right? Perhaps a grand gesture of some kind. I dont know, anyhting? I dont care what it takes. Simon Honestly Simon I don't know... It will depend on the girl in question and what she is willing to accept. In my situation my EXBF did try everything to get me back.. and again it just wasn't enough because I didn't believe him.. my faith had been shook for over 2 years and I didn't trust him anymore. My advice to you is this... IF you really love this girl then do what it takes... she may give you another opportunity. On the other hand.. she may not. So know when it's time to let go of her (if it comes to that) and at least you walk away knowing you DID everything you could to show her how you feel... Good Luck
RecordProducer Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Simon, are you saying that she broke up with you because you were not willing to commit? Did she tell you that? Now you want to make things right? Sorry, I just didn't understand well.
Author simon_uk Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Hi RP (will get back to your PM asap :-)) I was willing to commit to her and in Sept afetr we had been away seperately I told her I wanted all of this. But then one thing led to another and didnt quite make it. She lives 30 miles from me and her job is not really one she can move. But she didnt drive and she wouldnt or didnt have driving lessons. So it wasnt practical for her to move in with me. Also she overheard me talking with a Jeweller friend of mine about a ring I was going to get her. this was prior to Christmas. Anyway when she didnt get it for Christmas she said she just felt totally shocked and numb. This was after we split she told me this. I had planned on giving it her for her 30th which is next week. But now she says she has lost faith in me etc. She shouldnt have bloody listened to my private conversation should she? I am lost and confused! Simon
kelly221 Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 Simon, What are you doing to really proove yourself and that you do want a committment?? I left my BF for the same reason, we were together 7 years...He says he wants to get married now, and that we get along so good, but it has been 4 months and I haven't seen him, as he is in Florida and I am in Maryland attending school, he has yet made an attempt to come visit me...I don't know but if he really loved me and wanted to be with me, I would think he would make some kind attempt to really proove himself.........He thinks I am going back to him when I'm done with school in May, but I am really having second thoughts....
Author simon_uk Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Hi Kelly Well called her a week after we split and told her how I feel, there was a lot of mixed emotions, crying, laughing, shouting etc. and she said why didnt I say all this before, it is all i wanted to hear. I jst couldnt let my emotions out when we were together. she then said it was too late. then I left her for another week or so and sent her a text asking how she was, she responde quite pleasently even calling me honey and three kisses but she also said I am just getting over things. One weel later, last night I dropped a letter off for her at her mums that she will either get today or tuesday. Basically I tried to explain a few things, told her how i feel and what i would like but it is not what I want anymore it is about what she wants. So thats where I have left it. It is her 30th next week, so I will maybe send some flowers and then..............well I dont know? What would you suggest? She said she still loves me, she will always love me but is not IN love with me, she has no fight left in her, she feels numb and she has no faith in me. But I still think she does love me so it may be a start but the longer we are apart, well.......................... Simon
moon Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 I broke up with my ex because he didn't seem to want to fully commit. I think it's more frustrating than you know to be with somebody who you love, yet feel like they are somehow keeping you at arms length. I think eventually it becomes very painful to the other person in the relationship when they feel that maybe they are plan b or their significant other is not at that place to fully intergrate them into their lives. But I think if the uncommitting person came back later and showed that they were ready to commit, by their actions and not their words, I think there would be hope for reconciliation. I think Simon UK if you are in this situation you might want to really try to get inside your exes brain and figure out exactly why she's saying it. There is probably some truth to it. Maybe get some self-help books on making the committment---I don't know. Maybe you need some real instructions. I think many times it's just a feeling that the other person has. Maybe you aren't as available to her as she'd like. Maybe you are choosing things over her and she's tired of it. But I think there is hope in these situations. Do you really want to commit to this girl or are you just frustrated that she won't come back to you? This girl seems like she was ready to marry you and have a long standing relationship. Are you really ready for that? It sounds like that's exactly what she wanted. Sooner or later we all get to the age where we want that committment. She sounds like she's REALLY there. Are you? But if all the other compatibilities are there and you really love each other; she's okay with giving you a second chance and you figure out how to make the committment that she wants---then I think there's hope in this situation. She is basically telling you what she wants. She's spelling it out for you. She doesn't want a half-assed relationship with you. She wants you to dive in head first with her......she doesn't want to be second best anymore. So again......are YOU really ready for that? If not, you'll just be stringing her along again and in her heart she probably knows that. Good luck to you!!! I hope you win her back.
Author simon_uk Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Hi Moon I really do want to be with her forever, but the thing is I have been trying to be realistic. She lives 30 miles from me, she doesnt have her own place, she works part time in an industry that isnt really, shall we say that acceptable. it is cash in hand, she earns a lot of money some weeks, a bit of money some weeks and no money other weeks. It is not secure at all. She doesnt want a real job becasue she doesnt like working. (helloooo nobody does really) I am not over the moon about what she does but can handle it but she doesnt drive and if she lived with me she would have no way of getting to work when she decides to go that is. She is hanging around with a girl who is a real bad influence on her, somebody I had a thing with before we met and who constantly tried to make my ex feel bad about it. I dont even like this girl, have no feelings for her whatsoever, but it always got my ex jealous. This girl is always having a dig at my ex and does nothing for her self esteem. Yet I have been the one discarded and blamed for her low self esteem. Iadmit if she ever asked me if she was overweight I would say, you could probably tone up but couldtn we all and I would always tell her that I loved her anyway. I am nt the most tactile person, I know but I am aware of this and will work on it. She is also on anti depressants and had mood swings now and again and drinks not regularly but when she does it is to the point of total chaos. So you see, she has lots of issues of her own. But despite all of this I really love her and want to make a go of it. She was married very briefly, she was with the guy for a good few years, then planned the wedding but didnt want to get married to him. She went through with it because it was paid for and she felt bad. The fact taht she says she isnt IN love with me, kinda makes me a bit hesitant to do anything too grand you know. But if I thought I had a chance I wouldnt mind making a complete fool of myself to win her back! :-( it is her 30th next week and she really wanted me to be there. I have delievered a letter to her mums last night which was very emotional, it basically laid out my feelings. No begging, no pleading just an honest open letter of love and respect. Simon
moon Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 I really do want to be with her forever, but the thing is I have been trying to be realistic. She lives 30 miles from me, she doesnt have her own place, she works part time in an industry that isnt really, shall we say that acceptable. it is cash in hand, she earns a lot of money some weeks, a bit of money some weeks and no money other weeks. 30 miles would seem like a dream situation to some experiencing longer distance relationships!! That really isn't that far at all. Don't allow that distance to stand in your way. I have had much greater distance between guys I have dates....Sometimes thousands of miles. She is hanging around with a girl who is a real bad influence on her, somebody I had a thing with before we met and who constantly tried to make my ex feel bad about it. Whoa---that's weird. But probably only temporary. I wouldn't loose your cool over it. Iadmit if she ever asked me if she was overweight I would say, you could probably tone up but couldtn we all and I would always tell her that I loved her anyway. Many women have a real hang up about their weight. It comes from growing up with teeny tiny little petite girls, who get lots of attention when they are young. Fat = bad to many women, so if you tell somebody they need to tone up you might as well tell them they are an elephant and not at all attractive. So I would bite and grab hold of your tongue anytime you begin to tell somebody you're dating that they need to "tone up" or that they are "heavy" or whatever. I am not overweight. According to scientific numbers of overweight vs average....I am actually a few pounds underweight. But this didn't stop my ex from telling me I should work out more. It hurt my feelings. So I think unless your girlfriend could be at a health risk because of her weight...I'd probably would say nothing at all about it. That's the way you found her, so you can't change it. It is a huge insult to some people. then planned the wedding but didnt want to get married to him. She went through with it because it was paid for and she felt bad. I am sorry, but would anybody in their right mind actually do this??? The maturity level of your ex is either a little low or she told you a lie. . The fact taht she says she isnt IN love with me, kinda makes me a bit hesitant to do anything too grand you know. But if I thought I had a chance I wouldnt mind making a complete fool of myself to win her back! I can understand your apprehension. Maybe just continue to try to stay in her life and make up for the times when you didn't feel you were there for her. I wouldn't beg and plead anyway. I would remain dignified at all times!!!! Exude class. But the fact that she wants you to attend her birthday is a good sign. I'd just try to be her "friend" if you can and see where things lead. Just be COOL. I'd make sure she knows ithat f it comes down to it that distance or anything else (or her new friend) won't come in the way of you loving her and wanting to be with her. Good luck!
Author simon_uk Posted April 15, 2005 Author Posted April 15, 2005 Moon When I said she lives 30 miles away, no it isnt far but when I am travelling a 60 mile round trip o work and back each day getting up at 7, going to work for a full day, coming home then driving a 60 mile round trip to her house and getting back at midnight it does takes its toll, especially when she isnt going to work all day everyday and doesnt make the same effort. But my real point was, that 30 miles is far if she lived with me, where Ilive because she couldnt drive and wouldnt be able to get to her place of work. It was that that bothered me. How would she earn money o pay her way if she didnt want to find a job? And I actually said she 'wanted' me to be at her birthday before we split up not now. She hasnt even talked about her birthday, in fact she hasnt talked to e at all for over two weeks. Simon
lindya Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 So she's moaning about your lack of commitment towards her...but where's her commitment towards getting a proper job and learning to drive so that you don't always have to be the one driving 30 miles to see her? I'm sorry, but let's look at both sides here. Essentially it seems that if this girl can sort herself and her life out a bit, then you might be prepared to make a commitment. Not enormously romantic, granted, but it's a healthy and fair approach - and it doesn't mean you don't love her. Remember though that emotional vulnerability, and all the poetry and drama which accompanies it, can often be a strong ingredient in sexual chemistry. If she does sort herself out and start behaving with a little more maturity, will you still feel as strongly about her?
Author simon_uk Posted April 17, 2005 Author Posted April 17, 2005 Yes!!! I will definitely feel more strongly fo her! The reason I havent moved her in is because she isnt secure! She is on anti depressants and has a real hard time emotionally! She is always up and down!We fought quite a bit because of her mood swings! Why do I want her back? Because I love he and want to look after her! I am not really in any position to ask her to make changes though am I? Simon
moon Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Why do I want her back? Because I love he and want to look after her! Okay....I am going to state the obvious here. 1. Tell her you'll teacher her to drive (everybody needs a teacher). You have to learn somehow. 2. Think about what you mean by actually saying you want to look after her. Can she move in with you and you'll cover her bills until she gets a new job? That's what it sounds like. But you've mentioned she lives 30 miles away and has a job you don't like, etc. So let her live off of you for a while until a new job comes through. Actually take care of her. Financially..... Can you do that? It seems like money plays into your problems. Do you have enough money to support her for a while? It happens all the time. If you ever get married you'd definately have to work around that one. When you're married there are periods when one or the other isn't making enough money or what ever. She is on anti-depressents so they should be helping....or in time they will. If they aren't then she should get on a different type. But my ex was on anti-depressents and low and behold....they do start working eventually. It takes a while. So don't worry so much about what she did in the past. If she's on them now she is on the road to recovery. **But then again I realize this is all hypothetical because you guys aren't together right now, but it might be a few things you might want to think over in the time being. Good luck.
Minou Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Simon, I totally understand the confusion and pain you are feeling. I too recently broke it off with a guy for not wanting to commit to me in the way I needed. We were only together for 2 months but I was already deeply in love and although he said his feelings hadn't changed and he loved me, I wanted to move on, he wasn't ready to commit and break it off with someone else he was seeing. It broke my heart but I just kept remembering that old-time poem "if you love something set it free, if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was". I think deep down you know that if she felt deeply enough about you (as you should after 2 years together) that committment would be the next natural progression. Don't waste your time and love on someone who is not prepared to go beyond their comfort zone for you. You deserve better and need to trust your intuition with this one.......if something doesn't feel right, it's generally not. Move on when you are ready, give yourself time to grieve and take from this time all the good forgetting the bad........human beings were not created for aloneness or separation from one another.......you will find someone worthy of your love. Good luck to you, Minou.
Minou Posted April 17, 2005 Posted April 17, 2005 Originally posted by simon_uk Has anybody ever dumped somebody because that person didnt commit to them as soon as they would have liked? I know my ex still loves me but she has no faith in me now. She thinks that if we got back together then things would go back to the way we were, ie us living seperate lives. I have tried in vain to tell her otherwise. I called round to see her mum yesterday just to drop a letter off for the ex. Kind of a closure letter really, just so I know that I have done everything I could. I dont expect the letter to suddenly make her change her mind. But from past experiences, has anyone eve dumped somebody because they thought the other person wasn't going to commit but then give it another go? We were together nearly two years and had both been badly hurt in previous relationships. Thank You for Reading Simon Simon, read the one I just posted but not as a reply......it was meant for you.....Minou!
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