letsplaygofish2 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I just got out of a 9 month relationship. I am 38, he is 42. Things were rocky at first, I knew going into the relationship that he had fear & trust issues, we broke up a few times in a few months mostly because he had trigger finger. But otherwise, we had a lot of fun together. From the get-go, I knew that he some issues but I always told him I'd be patient. We had our ups and downs in our life, both of us experienced tremendous stress from work and family. It got to me a few months ago, but I worked really hard to snap out of depression for a month. Then his stresses hit him, but he just went downhill. I recall him talking about work, family problems, potentially losing his job, I thought he was just venting as normal. We both did that freely. Anyway, a month ago we had an absolutely amazing weekend and I felt I had turned the corner and was positive once again. I was ready to focus on USThe following Monday (we don't live together), he called me saying that he needed a break. I was shocked, but okay with it. I had a lot going for me and I didn't need the added stress, so I happily obliged. The next two weeks I gave him space, eventually asking him whether this was a break or breakup. And he announced that it was a breakup. I was shocked. I never saw him again since our wonderful weekend. The sad thing is that it's taken me a month to finally realize what's happened. I feel like he closed the door in my face and I have no idea what's going on. He initially blamed me for causing stress, but quite frankly I was living on cloud 9 with my recent accomplishments that I knew it wasn't me. I stood my ground and he agreed that he was going through a lot of problems. The sad thing is that I never got closure. I never got to say goodbye. I texted and called a bunch of times yesterday, but he never replied. I went full circle in my texts and communications, from anger to resentment, to pleading to finally acceptance. I am in pain, miserable. I need support. The sad thing is that a few weeks before the breakup, he kept saying that he wanted to marry me and that I was everything he wanted in a wife. A week before the breakup, we were talking about going to a concert together in April. On the phone during the breakup, he said he loved me and will always love me forever. He needed time, maybe I will be there when he returns. During the break he said it's breaking his heart, because he looks at my pictures on Facebook every day and I am so beautiful, it would pain him if I dated someone else. And now finally, he said it's over and is ignoring me. Someone please help me find perspective. I never got a chance to say goodbye.
jen1447 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 we broke up a few times in a few months mostly because he had trigger finger. What do you mean by this - premature ejaculation, anger issues, etc.? 1
Cinnamonstix Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 What do you mean by this - premature ejaculation, anger issues, etc.? I shouldn't answer for the OP, but I understood it as one foot out the door the whole time, ready to run. 3
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 he had fear & trust issues, we broke up a few times in a few months mostly because he had trigger finger. The context of the sentence is in reference to breaking up. There was no sexual innuendo implied.
hamster-girl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 It sounds like he knows what he wants, but he's too cowardly to end things with you properly. Don't give him the satisfaction of hanging around, waiting for him to make up his mind. You don't deserve to be treated so poorly and messed around like this. 1
jen1447 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 The context of the sentence is in reference to breaking up. There was no sexual innuendo implied. Ok. Reason I ask is that feelings of inadequacy (pre-ejac) or being an as$hole (anger) could have affected his reactions. Otherwise he almost sounds like he's bipolar or has some other fairly serious psychological issues, what with the extremities of his outlook - the "I want to marry you today but I can never see you again tomorrow" stuff. I know it hurts, but you may have actually dodged a bullet with this guy.
writergal Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Yeah, I interpreted that way too -- that the OP's boyfriend had one foot out the door when they met, and something (or someone else) is what prompted him to break up out of the blue. It's scenarios like these, that leave me feeling spooked about all the "future talk" men do while dating you. Makes me wonder if all future talk is code for "get out your therapist's phone number and stock up on Edy' Chocolate pint ice cream WriterGal, you're about to be dumped!"
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 I hear what you guys are saying and I'm probably making excuses for him. He has had a few long term relationships in his life. He actually proposed to his college sweetheart and she said no. Came back a year later and said she was ready and he told her no. Another relationship (from what I heard from his mom when I met them over Xmas), he was living with his ex but she was horrible, so he broke it off. Another girl or maybe the same, they were living together and eventually led to marriage, she graduated from college, got boring (wanted to go to bed at 10pm) and he couldn't see a future so he broke it off. I don't know. Am I making excuses?
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 The other thing I wanted to add is that I could sense mounting stress elevating over the course of months. On top of that, I also remember him saying several of his close friends were getting divorced and he thought it was really sad. Other conversations were about his stress and it appearing hopeless with the job. When he went on a break, he did say that he was really stressed and it wasn't me. It was him. He was never good with talking about his feelings.
Simon Phoenix Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I hear what you guys are saying and I'm probably making excuses for him. He has had a few long term relationships in his life. He actually proposed to his college sweetheart and she said no. Came back a year later and said she was ready and he told her no. Another relationship (from what I heard from his mom when I met them over Xmas), he was living with his ex but she was horrible, so he broke it off. Another girl or maybe the same, they were living together and eventually led to marriage, she graduated from college, got boring (wanted to go to bed at 10pm) and he couldn't see a future so he broke it off. I don't know. Am I making excuses? Yes, you are whiteknighting for him in a pretty big way. You need to stop trying to get into his head and deal with your own thoughts, feelings and emotions first and foremost. You spent way too much energy trying to fix something that was apparently broken. I have a feeling you have a bit of a female verison of (no offense meant ladies, just can't think of a better term right now) CaptainSaveAHo complex. 1
writergal Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) I hear what you guys are saying and I'm probably making excuses for him. He has had a few long term relationships in his life. He actually proposed to his college sweetheart and she said no. Came back a year later and said she was ready and he told her no. Another relationship (from what I heard from his mom when I met them over Xmas), he was living with his ex but she was horrible, so he broke it off. Another girl or maybe the same, they were living together and eventually led to marriage, she graduated from college, got boring (wanted to go to bed at 10pm) and he couldn't see a future so he broke it off. I don't know. Am I making excuses? Yes, I think you are. But I think it's a normal coping mechanism when you've just been dumped. Your natural instinct is to make excuses for the dumper, to both convince yourself that the dumper isn't a bad person, and to comfort yourself that you are still a worthwhile valuable person. The problem with making excuses is why excuses are made in the first place: to take away responsibility. Whether it's when you make an excuse for yourself, "I don't want to go to the gym after work, because I'll be too tired," to make an excuse for someone who hurt you, (or dumped you), to try to make sense of the situation, "I know this person is a good person. They went through so much in their past relationships." Shakespeare wrote: "And oftentimes, excusing of a fault, Doth make a fault the worse by the excuse; As patches set upon a little breach, Discredit more in hiding of the fault, Than did the fault before it was so patch'd." Excuses just make the situation worse. Like throwing gasoline on to the fire. Excuses are bad, m'kay (said in the voice of South Park's Mr. Mackey). Stop making them for your ex-bf, OP. I know that you are hurt and want to see him in a good light. But he dumped you over the phone, under the guise of taking a break, when he really meant, break-up. Don't make any more excuses for him. He doesn't deserve your compassion. He's a big boy. He made his bed, now let him lie in it (hopefully on a bed of nails). Edited April 7, 2015 by writergal
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 (edited) OK guys, I had texted him all day finally realized he blocked me. I became really worried about the entire situation because 2 weeks ago he told me he wanted to take his motorcycle through a wall. I emailed him and told him to let me know in the next 3 hours that he was okay, otherwise I'd call his mother. I hadn't heard from him so I called his mom and left a voice message with the details, asking her to call me back. Then he texted me that he was fine. Now I feel guilty that I crossed that line of confidentiality... but to me, life and death is so precious. I feel so guilty but I also think I did the right thing. Edited April 8, 2015 by letsplaygofish2 clarification
Simon Phoenix Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 You need to stop acting like his mother. He's 42 years old and you are his ex-girlfriend.
writergal Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 You need to stop acting like his mother. He's 42 years old and you are his ex-girlfriend. It kind of reminds me of actress Courtney Cox's marriage to the younger (and more immature) actor David Arquette, whom she divorced because she got sick of being the only adult their marriage (based on interviews about their relationship).
writergal Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 OK guys, I had texted him all day finally realized he blocked me. I became really worried about the entire situation because 2 weeks ago he told me he wanted to take his motorcycle through a wall. I emailed him and told him to let me know in the next 3 hours that he was okay, otherwise I'd call his mother. I hadn't heard from him so I called his mom and left a voice message with the details, asking her to call me back. Then he texted me that he was fine. Now I feel guilty that I crossed that line of confidentiality... but to me, life and death is so precious. I feel so guilty but I also think I did the right thing. You sound like you are a nurturer. He sounds like he may have taken advantage of that during the 9 months you dated, the way he makes statements about hurting himself to get attention. If he still acts that way at 42, there's a reason he's chronically single and can't sustain a romantic relationship. If he's blocked you from his social media and his cellphone, consider yourself lucky. Date a 42 year old man next time. Your ex sounds like he has serious issues which is unfortunate, but not something you need to concern yourself over any longer now that the relationship with him is done. Be glad that it is. There are more emotionally stable single men in the world for you to date.
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 That statement was only made shortly after he said he needed a break. He never used those for attention, because we always talked anyway. Honestly, I don't know what an emotionally stable man looks like anymore. I had to pop a xanax, had a panic attack.
flight E Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Let this one go. You will be happy you did in the long run
idoltree Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 OK guys, I had texted him all day finally realized he blocked me. I became really worried about the entire situation because 2 weeks ago he told me he wanted to take his motorcycle through a wall. I emailed him and told him to let me know in the next 3 hours that he was okay, otherwise I'd call his mother. I hadn't heard from him so I called his mom and left a voice message with the details, asking her to call me back. Then he texted me that he was fine. Now I feel guilty that I crossed that line of confidentiality... but to me, life and death is so precious. I feel so guilty but I also think I did the right thing. Yeah, this is firmly crossing into Crazy Ex-Girlfriend territory. A) You are not his mother. He does not want that from you, and he already has one. B) Worry about him was the excuse du jour for staying involved and allowing you to feel connected. So stop. Just stop. You'll thank yourself later for when you start slapping a palm to your forehead once you are again capable of seeing your actions for what they are. Honestly, you've got to let go of the rope and just accept that he does not want to be with you. It doesn't matter why, just that he doesn't. You are totally disconnected from yourself and your own feelings because you are so focused on him. I guarantee this read as massive pressure to him and was probably one of the things that led him to want to distance himself from you (pre- and post-breakup). So do yourself a favor and start worrying about you. Redirect your thoughts when you start obsessing over him and what he's thinking and feeling. Start spending time on what you're thinking and feeling. You demonstrated massive codependent tendencies in the relationship and until you get a hold on that you will continue to attract and be attracted to dysfunctional individuals. Why do you settle? Why do you feel like you have to fix someone to be worthy of their love? Why does a broken avoidant man cause you to want him more rather than cause you to bid him adieu and search for someone who can (and wants to) give you what you need from a relationship? 4
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