How do i get over her if shes "With" someone at the very moment?

[Sandrino]

I can't do it when if everytime i go to sleep im picturing in my mind the guy she's with screwing her brains out. I can't even date another girl right now because of her, yet she's so easily with someone else? Holy crap this pain sucks.. It'll take me forever to get over this while she's been with 5 guys before i get there...

[Vintage79]

It's not a competition with your ex to see who can sleep with the most people - just focus on not thinking about her and improving your life. It's hard, but people survive breaks ups all the time, and you'll be no different. Just be strong and you'll be a better person when it's done (and not to mention with a better person).

 

Good luck!

[Satu]

The main thing is to prevent more fuel being added to the fire.

 

This is accomplished by strict no contact.

 

NC gives you a free space to work on yourself without distraction, and it shields you from further hurt.

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

[Sandrino]

The main thing is to prevent more fuel being added to the fire.

 

This is accomplished by strict no contact.

 

NC gives you a free space to work on yourself without distraction, and it shields you from further hurt.

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

I know exactly what to do. Its just doing it thats the problem. I know shes back with the old boyfriend and just the thought of her kissing him, loving on him, having sex with him, it destroys me.

 

Everything about her, that i thought was only mine, all the things she was doing with me, she is now doing with him. Its so ****ing pathetic and i cant bear the thought..

[Mrin]

Sandrino,

 

Do you think you're alone in this affliction? Do you think that no one has ever felt the way you feel? Like somehow you've become infected with a new virus for which there is no cure?

 

Of course not. This too shall pass. You know what to do. Satu described it perfectly. Exorcise her from your life. Completely. So that the only things that will remain are the memories. Go read this poem by Pablo Neruda. Tonight I Can Write Poem by Pablo Neruda - Poem Hunter

Dwell with it for a moment or a day. Then like everything else tied to her, delete it from your life.

 

And go get busy. Not dating per se. Just get out and do something. Something new. Something exciting. Fake it for God's sake if you have to.

 

I could give you all sorts of fuzzy feel goods on why you should do this but instead I'll give you science. Here's the problem - in your brain right now are neurosynaptic connections about her. They form neuro-networks which constitute your thoughts and feelings. And right now you're firing them over and over. And building new ones like her having sex with another guy. Over and over you're firing them and not firing much else - certainly not building anything new with the exception of your fixation over her. The more you fire those connections the more permanent they become.

 

So when you go out and start experiencing new things, learning new things, observing new things, your brain starts building those new connections. And stops firing these "bad ones" as much. In time, the "bad ones" start to degrade and eventually fall apart. And you won't miss her as much. And it won't hurt as much. But here's the thing my friend - you can't just sit there on your couch and do this. You have to go out and provide stimuli for your brain so that it stops firing these "bad" connections and starts building some new ones.

 

Best of luck! And yes, this too shall pass...

[Gary S]

Get busy with your work, hobbies, friends, and yes, even dating. Ultimately time is the great healer, you'll get over this girl.

[Sandrino]

Sandrino,

 

Do you think you're alone in this affliction? Do you think that no one has ever felt the way you feel? Like somehow you've become infected with a new virus for which there is no cure?

 

Of course not. This too shall pass. You know what to do. Satu described it perfectly. Exorcise her from your life. Completely. So that the only things that will remain are the memories. Go read this poem by Pablo Neruda. Tonight I Can Write Poem by Pablo Neruda - Poem Hunter

Dwell with it for a moment or a day. Then like everything else tied to her, delete it from your life.

 

And go get busy. Not dating per se. Just get out and do something. Something new. Something exciting. Fake it for God's sake if you have to.

 

I could give you all sorts of fuzzy feel goods on why you should do this but instead I'll give you science. Here's the problem - in your brain right now are neurosynaptic connections about her. They form neuro-networks which constitute your thoughts and feelings. And right now you're firing them over and over. And building new ones like her having sex with another guy. Over and over you're firing them and not firing much else - certainly not building anything new with the exception of your fixation over her. The more you fire those connections the more permanent they become.

 

So when you go out and start experiencing new things, learning new things, observing new things, your brain starts building those new connections. And stops firing these "bad ones" as much. In time, the "bad ones" start to degrade and eventually fall apart. And you won't miss her as much. And it won't hurt as much. But here's the thing my friend - you can't just sit there on your couch and do this. You have to go out and provide stimuli for your brain so that it stops firing these "bad" connections and starts building some new ones.

 

Best of luck! And yes, this too shall pass...

 

I am rarely home anymore. I cant stand to sit in my house because i know my mind will get flooded with thoughts about her, and i'll do something stupid. Like show up at her house and wait for her to get home. Which i've done, embarrassingly enough.

 

I'm never home because of this. I'm out with buddies almost every single day. If im not with them, i'm at work, if im not at work or with them, I drive around my area. I just cant stand to sit at home.

 

If i HAVE to stay home, i'll play guitar. But im trying so hard man, it sucks. The one and only girl i've ever loved is getting nailed by some dude, and im just sitting around crying about it. I try not to think about it.

 

I feel alone. I wish i could know im not alone.

[Mrin]

I am rarely home anymore. I cant stand to sit in my house because i know my mind will get flooded with thoughts about her, and i'll do something stupid. Like show up at her house and wait for her to get home. Which i've done, embarrassingly enough.

 

I'm never home because of this. I'm out with buddies almost every single day. If im not with them, i'm at work, if im not at work or with them, I drive around my area. I just cant stand to sit at home.

 

If i HAVE to stay home, i'll play guitar. But im trying so hard man, it sucks. The one and only girl i've ever loved is getting nailed by some dude, and im just sitting around crying about it. I try not to think about it.

 

I feel alone. I wish i could know im not alone.

 

Good. You're doing the right things. Just keep doing them. This too shall pass.

 

How long have you guys been broken up? How long were you dating?

[Sandrino]

Good. You're doing the right things. Just keep doing them. This too shall pass.

 

How long have you guys been broken up? How long were you dating?

 

Well i have this terrible habit of going to her house to beg for her back like once a week now. I've made a very big effort though this time, to really get over this BS. It's been just over a week now. I've done it twice. But i've gone NC for months before, it just seems so much harder now, since i know she'll eventually cry for me back, and because i've made it a habit to beg for her. lol.

 

We dated on and off for almost a year. I was her rebound to the guy shes with now. But she has cheated on him with me, but has also cheated on me with him. But now they are back together.

 

In the beginning, i was the alpha male, and she was ALWAYS begging for me back. Always. It was terrible. But now, in fear of her begging for me again, because every time she does, im too weak to say no.. Because i love her so much. But since she always begs for me back, i'm becoming the beggar.

 

Like showing up at her house and waiting on her to get home. Thats pathetic. But i just dont even think, i love her and i want her back is all im thinking when i do this.

 

I just know in a couple months time, she'll be back. And im afraid i wont be strong enough to say no. Not to mention, im not very good with women, so i will be lonely for a while. Especially since i still love her. It'll be even harder.

 

Idk man, ive never felt like this in my life, and it effects me in every way. The pain is unbearable.

 

I know what i have to do, but shes my first love and only love, and everything she shared my first time with, she doing with her old boyfriend right this second, and the thought of that is destroying me. I try so hard to get over this. I'm trying.

[Mrin]

Damn. That's tough. Well, deep down inside you know she's bad for you. And you know the right things to do. And you're trying to do them - except for the showing up at her house thing. That's pretty stalker-ish.

 

Two thoughts for you:

 

1. First off, I know how flipping hard this is. I was in a similar jam as you once. We only dated three months but it was like a wildfire. I broke it off and we remained friends. But she was now the drug that I couldn't have. I tried ignoring her but she would just text me. We'd meet up when I was around. We shared a very intimate bond. But I knew she was bad news for me and I knew there was no long term future for us. But ya, the drug that I couldn't have and leaving the door ajar was just far too tempting. And she had these crazy cool eyes. I was stuck and couldn't move on. Limbo...

 

So I burnt the bridges. I said goodbye to her in no uncertain terms. Cut all cords. Told her that I needed her to exit my life for good. No 3am calls. No texts. Nothing. Just goodbye. Much stronger than just NC. It sucked big time for 2 weeks. It was like someone dying - yet they were out there, walking around. Just a touch of a smart phone away. But after two weeks things got better. Almost 4 weeks after I said goodbye to her I met my soulmate and well, the rest is history.

 

Not sure what you can take from this but I thought I would share.

 

2. This is probably a more useful suggestion but you should go see a therapist. What you have going on in your grey matter is exactly what these folks are trained to deal with. They can help you. Believe me.

 

Hope this helps dude. Hang in there!

[Satu]

I know exactly what to do. Its just doing it thats the problem. I know shes back with the old boyfriend and just the thought of her kissing him, loving on him, having sex with him, it destroys me.

 

Everything about her, that i thought was only mine, all the things she was doing with me, she is now doing with him. Its so ****ing pathetic and i cant bear the thought..

 

It's no more difficult for you than it is for anyone else.

 

You are not some kind of spectacularly stupid person that always does the wrong thing.

 

Thoughts like the ones you are experiencing are very common.

 

I've been there.

 

Stick to NC, and eventually the storm will clear.

 

You're not there yet, but thats not something you can be condemned for.

 

It's hard, hard, hard, but you'll get there.

 

You will.

[Hawaii51]

If you're thinking about the guy at night, maybe you should try to put the moves on him. That would really *f* her up too!

[Sandrino]

Damn. That's tough. Well, deep down inside you know she's bad for you. And you know the right things to do. And you're trying to do them - except for the showing up at her house thing. That's pretty stalker-ish.

 

Two thoughts for you:

 

1. First off, I know how flipping hard this is. I was in a similar jam as you once. We only dated three months but it was like a wildfire. I broke it off and we remained friends. But she was now the drug that I couldn't have. I tried ignoring her but she would just text me. We'd meet up when I was around. We shared a very intimate bond. But I knew she was bad news for me and I knew there was no long term future for us. But ya, the drug that I couldn't have and leaving the door ajar was just far too tempting. And she had these crazy cool eyes. I was stuck and couldn't move on. Limbo...

 

So I burnt the bridges. I said goodbye to her in no uncertain terms. Cut all cords. Told her that I needed her to exit my life for good. No 3am calls. No texts. Nothing. Just goodbye. Much stronger than just NC. It sucked big time for 2 weeks. It was like someone dying - yet they were out there, walking around. Just a touch of a smart phone away. But after two weeks things got better. Almost 4 weeks after I said goodbye to her I met my soulmate and well, the rest is history.

 

Not sure what you can take from this but I thought I would share.

 

2. This is probably a more useful suggestion but you should go see a therapist. What you have going on in your grey matter is exactly what these folks are trained to deal with. They can help you. Believe me.

 

Hope this helps dude. Hang in there!

 

I appreciate the help of therapy being your suggestion, but i really should just man up and deal with this myself. In my mind, therapy would be a pathetic thing to do. Me, as a man, should get through this myself. She doesnt need therapy, so why should i?

[neowulf]

Idk man, ive never felt like this in my life, and it effects me in every way. The pain is unbearable.

 

I know what i have to do, but shes my first love and only love, and everything she shared my first time with, she doing with her old boyfriend right this second, and the thought of that is destroying me. I try so hard to get over this. I'm trying.

 

Maybe some counselling would be in order?

 

You need some better tools to process what you're going through.

If you allow it, this kind of obsessive thinking can do some serious damage to yourself.

 

Maybe talking it out, venting would help? It's hard man. Love IS a drug, as far as the brain is concerned. You're in withdrawal.

 

Personally, I can recommend anti-depressants.

 

They will stop the obsessive thoughts cold. Given the right medication and dose, you can seriously dampen the pain you're experiencing.

 

Is is drastic? Sure. But as a short term solution to help you shake the obsessive thoughts that are plaguing you?

 

Under the supervision of your doctor, a 6 month treatment won't harm you, but it might help with the transition.

 

All the best man

Edited April 7, 2015 by neowulf

[Satu]

I appreciate the help of therapy being your suggestion, but i really should just man up and deal with this myself. In my mind, therapy would be a pathetic thing to do. Me, as a man, should get through this myself. She doesnt need therapy, so why should i?

 

Care about yourself by not caring about them.

[Sandrino]

Maybe some counselling would be in order?

 

You need some better tools to process what you're going through.

If you allow it, this kind of obsessive thinking can do some serious damage to yourself.

 

Maybe talking it out, venting would help? It's hard man. Love IS a drug, as far as the brain is concerned. You're in withdrawal.

 

Personally, I can recommend anti-depressants.

 

They will stop the obsessive thoughts cold. Given the right medication and dose, you can seriously dampen the pain you're experiencing.

 

Is is drastic? Sure. But as a short term solution to help you shake the obsessive thoughts that are plaguing you?

 

Under the supervision of your doctor, a 6 month treatment won't harm you, but it might help with the transition.

 

All the best man

 

Why do you suspect i need all this medication and therapy? Sure my situation is pretty bad, but people that have suicidal thoughts and want to kill themselves? I think im OK.

[Diana.dellala]

You are strong and you will figure it out

 

Please don't take any anti-depressants or anything of the sort. You are definitely ok and to all those people who do take them and suggest others to do so... Read the side effects first and be sure there aren't other much better ways.

 

To Sandrino (sounds like an Italian name

What is it about her that made you so involved/needing her/ feeling that way?

 

First of all, decide what you really want: get her back or get over with it?

In any case, please, try not to beg. Ever. That will hardly help you to get her back (not on the terms you want) and it won't help your forget her.

 

In the meanwhile you might want to learn more about how attraction and seduction work and how you can get the most out of your own inner resources you're not using now (much better than therapy, much more empowering)

 

In the meanwhile, here's a good exercise. One should consider it a serious mental training and do it until you feel better (depending on the individual it might take more or less time):

 

1. Find something that doesn't remind you of your ex;

2. Do something that doesn't remind you of your ex;

3. Repeat until you feel much better.

 

It sounds simple, it might be very difficult at the beginning, but it will get easier and you might be surprised of what you will find out while doing it. The main mistake one should avoid is stop doing it too early

[fitnessfan365]

Well i have this terrible habit of going to her house to beg for her back like once a week now. I've made a very big effort though this time, to really get over this BS. It's been just over a week now. I've done it twice.

 

Dude.. Where is your pride and self respect? No woman is worth degrading yourself. Also, look at the glass half full version. If she is back with her old BF that fast, you were pretty much a rebound to her. So isn't it better to have a woman like that out of your life? I mean she obviously didn't care about you, so you're better off in the long run.

[Sandrino]

Dude.. Where is your pride and self respect? No woman is worth degrading yourself. Also, look at the glass half full version. If she is back with her old BF that fast, you were pretty much a rebound to her. So isn't it better to have a woman like that out of your life? I mean she obviously didn't care about you, so you're better off in the long run.

 

But she flys to me just as fast after they break up. So what does it matter if im a rebound? Shes cheated on him with me. Idk my head is all messed up after her, i was never like this.

[neowulf]

Why do you suspect i need all this medication and therapy? Sure my situation is pretty bad, but people that have suicidal thoughts and want to kill themselves? I think im OK.

 

Well, those services are there to help people deal with difficult emotional situations.

 

You're here, saying you have obsessive thoughts, that you have behaviour you know is only hurting you in the long run, but continue with.

 

Of course, only you can decide how much support you need. I was just suggesting the option is out there if you need it.

 

Otherwise, there's nothing special about your situation. You're not the first person to get hung up on a girl, or caught in a destructive loop. There's no magic bullet. You cut off contact and you wait for the pain to pass. That's it.

 

You know what you're doing to hurt yourself. Simply stop doing it.

[fitnessfan365]

But she flys to me just as fast after they break up. So what does it matter if im a rebound? Shes cheated on him with me. Idk my head is all messed up after her, i was never like this.

 

If a woman is cheating on her current BF to sleep with you, she NEVER goes above f**k buddy status EVER. You only get into a relationship with a woman that has integrity. I mean her behavior shouldn't really be a surprise to you should it?

[Sandrino]

If a woman is cheating on her current BF to sleep with you, she NEVER goes above f**k buddy status EVER. You only get into a relationship with a woman that has integrity. I mean her behavior shouldn't really be a surprise to you should it?

 

Dude i cant tell you how many times i've went back to this chick after she begs and pleads for me to come back.

 

I feel like its not worth starting over with someone new, because if it happens again, its all just wasted time. But yeah man, she was screwing me a week straight while she was telling her boyfriend she loved him every night, through facebook. He didnt even know. I didnt know either.

 

But i cant say anything, because she has cheated on me too with him, and i went back. We both love to take turns with her apparently.. lol.

 

But to this day, they are together.

 

Its the most terrible thought ever to be alone, and knowing the one girl that you only loved, is getting screwed right now. Look man. Its Midnight. Thats sexy time. Here i am on a website crying about her, while her boyfriend is screwing her brains out right this fking second.

 

Thats a terrible feeling, and i cant overcome it.

Edited April 9, 2015 by Sandrino

[Sandrino]

If a woman is cheating on her current BF to sleep with you, she NEVER goes above f**k buddy status EVER. You only get into a relationship with a woman that has integrity. I mean her behavior shouldn't really be a surprise to you should it?

 

Also, they dated for 3 years.