Likes me, but want to go slow because she is just not ready for a relationship.

April 7, 2015

Hi there,

So I have met this girl that I have really developed feelings for. She just got out of a 8 year relationship about 5 months ago, so I was the first person she has gone out with in a long time. From what I heard it wasn’t that great of a relationship, he was controlling. Which I am just the opposite, I am the nice guy that is laid back and very trusting. So won’t stop her from hang out with friends and stuff like that, which she is the same way. We have been hanging out and going on dates for about a month, with both of us asking each other out on dates.

We usually hold hands and kiss on them and sometimes get physical with each other after them. She seems very comfortable around me, basically I can hold her hand, hug her, cuddle, or whatever with here in public. She has said she likes me and like hanging out with me more than once, she has also said she is falling for me and has feelings for me like she had for her ex. I met a lot of her family and friends, they all really like me and tell her if she doesn't get with me she dumb. Which she it is important I pass there test, which she said I did which she is really happy about. She texts me every day with a good morning text, then we chat on and off during the day. She always likes asking how my day is going stuff like that.

A few days ago She says she still wants to take thing slow (which I knew she already told me she wants to take it slow a few week along with the comment that shes really starting to fall for me, which is scary for her, but in a good way. She hasn’t felt this way for someone since her ex). Then she is just not ready for a relationship yet and she doesn’t want to hurt me because of it. She did repeat that she does like me and just wants to take things slow and that she doesn’t want push me away. She said it would be complete different if she didn’t just get out of a long relationship. Then she that she wants to figure herself out and think about things before thinking about a relationship and that why she needs to take it slow. It kind of seemed like she was making sure we are on the same page.

I am an idiot when it comes to this stuff, mostly due to lack of experience. It seems to me she does like me a lot and wants to still want to date like we are, but wants to have things figured out before we take the next step to a relationship. Which I total understand with her fresh out of that long relationship. Plus It not like we been dating long and if she never brought it up I would have never asked cause it is to early. I just like going with the flow and see what happens when it comes to someone I like.

I really like this girl in a way that I haven’t felt about anyone before, so I don’t mind to keep things going like they are and sort of waiting for her to want to be in a relationship. I am not going to push the subject anymore then we have and I am thinking I should kind of step back a little, to a pace she wants. Which I think we have been at. Am I doing the right thing? If not what should I do? She is playing me or losing interest?

Edited April 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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April 7, 2015

Best to keep seeing her but got at her pace...

Sounds like she is really into you but don't wanna rush anything & get hurt....

if u can wait a little bit longer then stay with her if not the move on...

It'a up to u what u wanna do....

April 7, 2015

Who brought up commitment? You or her?

Usually when someone says they're not ready for a relationship, they are really just unsure about you. Yes despite what she says about you being great, etc.

You sound like you're opening up to her too quick, and maybe choking off the mystery that needs to be there. Are you having sex yet? With all your talk of cuddling and hand holding and whatnot, she might think that you're too nice.

April 7, 2015

I think she's probably just scared of getting burned again. Understandable, 8 year relationship dead and buried and all.

Just play it cool. You can never go wrong that way. (Cool as in no agenda either way.) If she's ready to let you go, you'll know, bc you'll hear less from here. Just take that for what it is, bc you wouldn't make her feel different by dialing it up anyway. And if she just wants the status quo, she'll be impressed with you that you didn't panic and were fine with that too.

Don't take any of this as life or death, bc it isn't.

April 7, 2015

Cynical old fart former nice guy opinion:

She's a stranger. You stated you 'just met'. All the bla, bla, bla about the ex or not dating or anything of that sort is generally, save for a divorce filing, unverifiable so just noise.

She waited a month of dates to compare you to her ex. Not bad. Spun it as part of the 'take things slow' speech. Things were already slow. Dating a month and no sexual involvement. Nothing wrong with that; no need to bring the ex into it though as a 'reason'.

She said it would be complete different if she didn’t just get out of a long relationship. Then she that she wants to figure herself out and think about things before thinking about a relationship and that why she needs to take it slow. It kind of seemed like she was making sure we are on the same page.

More bla, bla. Who knows? Generally, women don't go down this path of reasons when they're really hot for a guy, rather they will do nothing they perceive to cause his interest to wane. Remember, you're strangers here and the only thing in common at this point is a mutual desire to press flesh and the emotions of romance and stuff. LS'ers call it limerence or something like that.

So you've been going out on dates for about a month? How far in advance are they planned? Weekdays and weekends mixed? How long do the dates last? Do you know where each other lives? Been to each other's domiciles? Done hangouts with friends in addition to dates? Etc, Etc.

Going slow is fine. Continue to show up. Also continue to seek out and date other women. Timing is very important in romance. If you and this woman are in different time zones, that's OK. By waiting her out, with outcome never certain, at all, you may miss out on someone in your own timezone. Scary version? While you're methodically moving slowly forward and waiting, she meets a guy tomorrow who turns her screws and all that bla, bla is just that, bla, bla, and you're history. That's how life works. No guarantees. Do what's best for *you* and if she's there at the end, bonus.

April 7, 2015

Women will want you to believe that they're actually going slow for a reason besides you, but they're generally just being nice.

If they meet a guy they feel good about, there will be sex, and she won't be so unsure. I would be wary OP, this situation doesn't bode well.

You come across as a classic nice guy, are you sure she isn't just stringing you along?

April 7, 2015

Hi there,
So I have met this girl that I have really developed feelings for. She just got out of a 8 year relationship about 5 months ago, so I was the first person she has gone out with in a long time. From what I
I really like this girl in a way that I haven’t felt about anyone before, so I don’t mind to keep things going like they are and sort of waiting for her to want to be in a relationship. I am not going to push the subject anymore then we have and I am thinking I should kind of step back a little, to a pace she wants. Which I think we have been at. Am I doing the right thing? If not what should I do? She is playing me or losing interest?

The daily communication is a positive sign. Are you exclusive or is she also seeing other guys?

I would speed things up by just going for it. If she stops you... then you pretty much know she isn't into you. At that point you have to decide whether you want to press forward or not.

April 7, 2015

When she says she is not ready for a relationship and wants to take it slow, that means she is on the rebound. Chances are sky high you'll spin your wheels at best, or she'll break your heart. She isn't ready for a boyfriend yet, your timing was off.

People on the rebound are off-limits, they need time to heal.

Edit: she will be on the rebound for 1 to 1.5 years, but this is just a rough estimate, nobody can say for sure. She won't meet Mr. Right until after that. You are not it.

Look at the bright side - as least now you know the full story and know exactly where you stand. Keep your head up, you only need to find one good lady who is ready for love.

Edited April 7, 2015 by Gary S

April 7, 2015

Usually when someone says they're not ready for a relationship, they are really just unsure about you. Yes despite what she says about you being great, etc.

I agree with this 100% but will add she is probably not even able to recognize that.

8 years is long. if he was controlling, she probably has a thing or two to work on. It's been only 5 months...emotionally, she is most likely no where near LTR potential.

OP, this is your chance to avoid being the rebound guy. I don't suggest you wait until she is ready.

April 7, 2015

Hi there,
So I have met this girl that I have really developed feelings for. She just got out of a 8 year relationship about 5 months ago, so I was the first person she has gone out with in a long time. From what I heard it wasn’t that great of a relationship, he was controlling. Which I am just the opposite, I am the nice guy that is laid back and very trusting. So won’t stop her from hang out with friends and stuff like that, which she is the same way. We have been hanging out and going on dates for about a month, with both of us asking each other out on dates.

We usually hold hands and kiss on them and sometimes get physical with each other after them. She seems very comfortable around me, basically I can hold her hand, hug her, cuddle, or whatever with here in public. She has said she likes me and like hanging out with me more than once, she has also said she is falling for me and has feelings for me like she had for her ex. I met a lot of her family and friends, they all really like me and tell her if she doesn't get with me she dumb. Which she it is important I pass there test, which she said I did which she is really happy about. She texts me every day with a good morning text, then we chat on and off during the day. She always likes asking how my day is going stuff like that.

A few days ago She says she still wants to take thing slow (which I knew she already told me she wants to take it slow a few week along with the comment that shes really starting to fall for me, which is scary for her, but in a good way. She hasn’t felt this way for someone since her ex). Then she is just not ready for a relationship yet and she doesn’t want to hurt me because of it. She did repeat that she does like me and just wants to take things slow and that she doesn’t want push me away. She said it would be complete different if she didn’t just get out of a long relationship. Then she that she wants to figure herself out and think about things before thinking about a relationship and that why she needs to take it slow. It kind of seemed like she was making sure we are on the same page.

I am an idiot when it comes to this stuff, mostly due to lack of experience. It seems to me she does like me a lot and wants to still want to date like we are, but wants to have things figured out before we take the next step to a relationship. Which I total understand with her fresh out of that long relationship. Plus It not like we been dating long and if she never brought it up I would have never asked cause it is to early. I just like going with the flow and see what happens when it comes to someone I like.

I really like this girl in a way that I haven’t felt about anyone before, so I don’t mind to keep things going like they are and sort of waiting for her to want to be in a relationship. I am not going to push the subject anymore then we have and I am thinking I should kind of step back a little, to a pace she wants. Which I think we have been at. Am I doing the right thing? If not what should I do? She is playing me or losing interest?

She just got a out of a longterm relationship it will take her a few more months to get over it and be able to fully open her heart and be in a serious relationship with you or anyone.Just support her ,be there for her but don't put pressure on her.She needs time....

April 7, 2015

^^^^Um, I'd date other women in the mean time. Why put your life on hold for a maybe, don't you have more self-respect? Some of you guys need to grow a backbone.

April 7, 2015

Women will want you to believe that they're actually going slow for a reason besides you, but they're generally just being nice.

If they meet a guy they feel good about, there will be sex, and she won't be so unsure. I would be wary OP, this situation doesn't bode well.

You come across as a classic nice guy, are you sure she isn't just stringing you along?

Absolutely not always true.

April 7, 2015

Since you sound like you're looking for a woman with long term potential, she probably isn't your best bet. A woman needs time to process and since she was with this guy for eight years, it will take more than five months. Plus you have to pay attention to a woman's dating history and her actions. If she tends to go for the "bad boy" type, and you know you're "Mr. Nice Guy", it won't be a good fit. I mean she was with that guy for eight years, and is already pulling away from you after a month. Why? You're not ultimately her type. Unfortunately attraction is not a choice and can't be forced. Since she wants to slow things down, you need to do the following :

1) Don't talk to her every day. In fact, let her do almost 100% of the initiating.

2) When she does reach out, plan one date a week and that's it. Then in between dates continue to let her reach out to you most of the time. Stop trying to integrate yourself into her life.

You need to give her the space so you can gauge where she stands. She'll either miss you and start pushing for things to pick up a bit. Or she'll be fine with the reduced contact and communication frequency because she isn't all that into you. I suspect it's the second because women that like a guy don't say that they want to take it slower. But if you do want to keep her in your life, do what she wants and back way off. Stop trying to act like her boyfriend.

Edited April 7, 2015 by fitnessfan365

April 7, 2015

To answer your guys questions:

She was the one to bring it up, it wasn't the first time she said she wanted to take thing slow. she told me it the beginning, but saying she is just not ready for a relationship just yet because she has some thinking to do to figure things out. Was new to me. It seems like she is fine in what we are doing now. she repeated that she really does like me, but just wants to take things slow. I wouldn't have brought any relationship talk for another month, we have only been dating for less than a month. Still to early I think. We have had sex, and it was great we were both very happy we did after the nice night we had it felt right.

I should have also said the we kind of knew each other before, we are from the same small town and were a year apart in high school. So we know a lot of the same people.

As of dates they could be planned days in advance to a few hours before on random days of the week and weekend. The dates are always long, like a minimum of 4 hours. We both know where the other lives, we both have recently moved in with are parents. She doesn't have a problem with me coming over to her parents place. We have also hung out with friends together, we have gone out to the bars with high school friends and her brothers and sister and their loved ones.

With her last relationship she said they just grew apart the last year they were together. I thought I would add that.

April 7, 2015

After she said that. We are still talking like we normally do, and planning to do something this week.

April 8, 2015

She says she wants to take things slow. But you're talking to her daily and spending time with her friends and family like you're already her boyfriend. She's starting to feel smothered and you're rushing things. So when she says that she wants to take things slow, that's exactly what you need to do.

1) See her once a week. After you make plans with her, let her reach out to you if she wants to talk and keep it brief (a few texts max). Don't chat on the phone all the time like one of her girlfriends.

2) Start acting like a guy that she's casually seeing and not like her boyfriend. Don't keep spending time with her friends and family.

Giving her way more space will allow you to see where she stands. If she starts to miss you and pushes for things to increase a bit that's a good thing. But if she remains OK with barely ever seeing you or talking to you, that's pretty telling. As I said before, I think it will be the second because a woman doesn't say she wants to slow down with a guy that she's into. Now personally, I think you should just date other women because you want a woman that's ready for a relationship and she clearly isn't. But if you don't give her more space and back off a bit, you'll walk directly into the friend zone.

Edited April 8, 2015 by fitnessfan365

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Likes me, but want to go slow because she is just not ready for a relationship.

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