Sanosuke Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Hi, I'm new here, but decided to write the following down, because I'm not really sure what to do about my situation.. So me and my girlfriend broke up 2 weeks ago. Story goes as follows: We were together for 1 year and a half (she was 17, I was 23 at first). I wasn't always the perfect boyfriend in that time. I guess I needed to learn a bit how to be myself in a relationship and how to be around a girl since I never had a relationship that lasted longer than 2-3 months before. Sometimes I think I took her for granted too much since she didn't have a lot of friends, whereas I did and I was actually the only one she had in her life (as she told me a couple of times). I always told her I loved her, maybe I met with my own friends a bit too much without including her, but we still saw each other 2-3 days in a week. Then all of a sudden she met this new group of friends she started to hang out with. I was happy for her, because it looked like she was having fun. But then out of the blue she ends our relationship for a couple of reasons. Saying that I never brought her to my friends, that I don't give her attention enough and that she's too tired of life and finds herself crying all the time and she doesn't know why. She also says that she needs to be alone and suggest we shouldn't see each other for a month. I told her I couldn't do that, living with an insecure feeling like that for 4 weeks long.. So she ended things with me. Worst time of my life followed then.. I knew I had could've done a lot better, treated her better. Although I never mistreated her or anything, but I knew I could've shown herself a better version of myself. I blamed her a bit for not communicating with me about the things that I did wrong, before ending things so abruptly. About a month went by with me thinking about her all the time. I then contacted her because I couldn't take it any longer and we met again at her house. We instantly started talking, drinking some wine, laughing,then we kissed and it seemed like nothing ever happened.. She tells me then that she met another guy already, and that she would have to choose between this guy and me. (to be fair, I also had seen another girl for 2 weeks, but I ended that pretty shortly because I realised that the rebound thing wasn't doing it for me). A day after that she sends me a text that she wants me back, that she misses me. I went over instantly and we kissed & made up and everything. Some weeks after that she wasn't in a very good mood, because the guy she was dating was part of that new friend group she had, which she lost now. So I decided to take her with me to parties with my friends, a lot more than before. I also spent weekends at her home without even seeing my friends. When I stayed over, I always dropped her off at school before going to work. I payed for all the cinema visits, I took her to restaurants, bought her clothes, we went to places in the weekends & had genuine fun together. I saw her a lot more than before, because that's what she wanted from me. One night we drank some tequila together and she admits to me that she kissed this guy she was dating before, when she was still together with me. I was pretty upset about this, but I thought, the past is the past, because I was happy with her right now. A month or 2 passed by, and again she found this new group of friends. I noticed that she was texting this guy a lot. I was very paranoid and one day I read her texts, where she wished him a good night, calling him sweet names & stuff when I was sleeping next to her! I also noticed she was skyping with this guy and sending him more texts than me. I talked to her mom and my brother about it. They told me to address this to her, since I wasn't comfortable about this. I was kind of pissed at first, because I tried to give her everything this time. I literally wouldn't go into discussion anymore with her, being too afraid she might end things again. But when I told how I felt about this, she started crying and said that she was just using this guy to get new friends. She also told me that she didn't want to lose me, because I was all she had, and that she just wanted to make some friends. Somewhere, I understood, but I still didn't see why she had to skype with this guy and text him all day long.. However, I had some sense of security again. Because she made clear that she wanted to be with me. The following days she almost didn't text me anymore, and when she did it was always very short like "ok", "haha", "yes". One day she didn't send me at all. Since we always send each other daily, I asked her that night if there was something on her mind and that we needed to talk. Then she started crying and told me that she needed time for herself, and that she couldn't give me any love right now. She said she had been crying for days and she didn't know why. She needed to find herself again (huge flashback). I asked her why she took me back then, after everything? And she just shrugged, so I stormed out saying I wished I never met her, because in the end she caused me more misery than happiness. I had already felt ****ty for some time because of fear of losing her, which also made me drink more alcohol.. So it's over now for 2 weeks, and already it starts aching again. Maybe I should've tried harder. But then again I think about all the bad qualities she has, which are some.. Her mom told me that she didn't cheat on me this time with that guy. But to me it's already emotional cheating when you start skyping with a guy in your bed and texting him all day long when you just met him. When I told her this by the way, and she cried and everything, she just continued doing it.. It seems like exactly the same situation as last time. She's happy with me, then she meets a new group of friends, her attention goes to one guy, less attention to me and then she says she needs to be alone right now. But the reason I still want her back is because the time I was together with her, seems to be like the only time I was ever truely happy. When everything in my life made sense. It also feels like she opened somekind of portal inside me which made me more emotional. I think I cried more in these last 2 years than I cried in my entire life, whereas I used to be this emotional rock. Feels like she created something which she then crushed. So I'm doubting now to contact her again, but I know that if she rejects me right now, I'll be crushed again. And even when she wants me back, how long will it take until she has the exact same feelings again (needing to be alone, not knowing who she is) and how long until she starts getting this unhealthy urge to find contact with another guy. I'm almost 25 now by the way and she's 19. Somehow I keep thinking she and I are the right person for each other, but just at the wrong moment in her life. My friends & family tell me to just move on, and find a better one who doesn't cheat on me, but I still feel that we belong together and could really be happy. It also sucks that I really had future plans with her. I have been saving up nicely so we could live togheter, but now I really don't look forward to living by myself. I try to surround myself with family & friends at this moment, but even still I feel alone all the time. Sorry for the big wall of text, but I just keep thinking about this day in, day out. And the dreams about her sure don't help.. regards
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