Long term effects of multiple affairs and being the OW

[leavethepieces]

Hey all.

 

I haven't been reading these boards in about 6 months, which is a great thing! These boards got me through some particularly tough times. I've been through two affairs now...I know, stupid right?

 

The last one I had already separated from my husband and this guy claimed to be leaving his wife for me. I got sick of waiting, called him on his bull**** and ended it. I can't believe I did that to myself the first time, let alone twice.

 

A little background on myself - I am young, in my 20s, with a kid and ex-husband. I was married about 6 years. Compared to others my age, I would say that I have quite a bit of life experience and I would consider myself to have an "old soul". Because of this, I have always gone for older men. Both of my affairs were with men 15-20 years older than me and my ex-husband was 10 years older than me.

 

Well....HOORAY! I am now a little over one month into a relationship with a SINGLE guy who has never been married, never had kids and is my age. We have seen each other nearly every single day since we met and sparks flew immediately. I have never met a man with whom I have so much in common. We can have hours long conversations, I am mentally and physically attracted to him (which I've always had to choose one or the other), the sex is mind-blowing, I could go on and on. Things have gotten serious extremely fast and both of us know this is something that could be long lasting.

 

But, and isn't there always a but, I have a little voice creeping up in the back of my mind telling me, "He has little life experience, he doesn't know what a real relationship entails. He might be just like your ExMM someday.....bored with a little young thing on the side." I know these thoughts stem from my experience as an OW. I am absolutely terrified of being that women that gets screwed over, just like the ones I helped screw over. :/ So terrible, I know.

 

Can anyone relate to these feelings? How do I quiet that voice??

[Auspecial]

Hey all.

 

I haven't been reading these boards in about 6 months, which is a great thing! These boards got me through some particularly tough times. I've been through two affairs now...I know, stupid right?

 

The last one I had already separated from my husband and this guy claimed to be leaving his wife for me. I got sick of waiting, called him on his bull**** and ended it. I can't believe I did that to myself the first time, let alone twice.

 

A little background on myself - I am young, in my 20s, with a kid and ex-husband. I was married about 6 years. Compared to others my age, I would say that I have quite a bit of life experience and I would consider myself to have an "old soul". Because of this, I have always gone for older men. Both of my affairs were with men 15-20 years older than me and my ex-husband was 10 years older than me.

 

Well....HOORAY! I am now a little over one month into a relationship with a SINGLE guy who has never been married, never had kids and is my age. We have seen each other nearly every single day since we met and sparks flew immediately. I have never met a man with whom I have so much in common. We can have hours long conversations, I am mentally and physically attracted to him (which I've always had to choose one or the other), the sex is mind-blowing, I could go on and on. Things have gotten serious extremely fast and both of us know this is something that could be long lasting.

 

But, and isn't there always a but, I have a little voice creeping up in the back of my mind telling me, "He has little life experience, he doesn't know what a real relationship entails. He might be just like your ExMM someday.....bored with a little young thing on the side." I know these thoughts stem from my experience as an OW. I am absolutely terrified of being that women that gets screwed over, just like the ones I helped screw over. :/ So terrible, I know.

 

Can anyone relate to these feelings? How do I quiet that voice??

 

You can't quiet that voice, because it is the voice of reality. It would be the same reality if you hadn't had the affairs with mm.

 

Just stay committed to being the best You that you can.

[carhill]

IMO, the work is accepting that each human we encounter in life is unique and individual and is the confluence of innumerable physical and psychological factors and the results of our interactions will be completely unique to us.

 

Learning from life experience is valuable and certainly one can apply those lessons to interactions moving forward. Given the lessons you learned as a fOW, in a practical sense how would you apply them here? Use the example of the situation you described, what you perceive as an apparent disparity of life experience. Since you can't will into him more life experience, rather contribute your part to increasing his life experience, how do you go about that, mindful of your lesson from past experience?

 

Often, answers can be found in the questions we ask.

 

Did you get any MC prior to your M ending? Sometimes that kind of interaction can help clarify things and sort the life lessons into more clearly defined paths of behavior and understanding.

 

Absent the specifics of your past experiences, hypothetically speaking, are you OK with your and his apparently disparate life experience quantity and quality? Why?

[the_artist_1970]

Don't sabotage your happiness. Enjoy today and your present life. Live in the moment and never go back to being that person you were before.

[Grapesofwrath]

Being vulnerable is scary. so we will often search for reasons to avoid it. In this case, I'd say that you evaluate the man and your relationship based on his actions. If he treats you with kindness, respect, tenderness and thoughtfulness, then it doesn't matter what kind of life experience he does or does not have.

 

What we think we want, and what is really good for us, are sometimes not the same thing.

[craw]

Have more mind blowing sex, it will help quieten your mind.