BluEyeL Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Good luck, Gaeta. Let us know how it goes. Don't fly off the handle if the guy does something that annoys you 1
kendahke Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 It happens. We're older, we know what we want and we GO FOR IT! : wildly applauding : Exactly!!! It's what I love about being in my 50's. 4
regine_phalange Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Good things don't happen when you treat relationships like a business plan. Being spontaneous, however, can be very revealing about how someone really feels about you. Let us know how this unfolds, I hope he'll prove to be a great match for you 1
GemmaUK Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I cannot 'like' this thread enough!!! : I darn well love it!!! You go Gaeta!!! Sometimes it just 'is' and the heck with how it pans out right now - but it can pan out - Midwest being an example. 3
Emilia Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Lately I had taken sex off the table to see if I'd be more successful and I wasn't. Actually my frustration was greater. I felt I had a lot of expectations toward these men I didn't have before. It's like I wanted them to be perfect. I don't know why in my mind if I don't have sex with a man I have expectation and he better be perfect and if I do have sex with him then I am much flexible and expect much less from him. I don't know what the answer is but I find that sex early gets a lot of stuff out in the open early. Works for me. 3
soyou Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Thanks Gaeta for the great post. Your post actually speaks for my heart and represent my situation. I've been always a very direct, spontaneous, and authentic type of person. When I was single and didnt want to have relationship, I just had sex with the guys whenever I liked and I never witheld my desire or feeling. Recently, I've come to a stage in life where I want to have a boyfriend and share my life with somebody special, I force myself to act like Virgin Maria (wait for the sex) while my head is screaming to have sex with the person because many guys here on LS advise women to withold the sex untill the guy is fully interested in. I feel like I was not myself and I was not happy because as spontaneous as I am, I want to be able to do whatever I want and live up for the moment. Thank you for this great post. This reminds me to stay who I'm . Whoever does not like my way of living my life, is obviously not my cup of tea. So, tomorrow, sex on the first date will be on the table again if I feel like to of course :bunny: 3
Ruby Slippers Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 For an experienced woman in your age bracket who enjoys casual sex and has no fallout from it, I think yours is a fine approach, and I hope this one works out for you. Having sex first and asking questions later didn't work for me. It got me into a few insta-relationships that ultimately didn't work on a fundamental level. I also worry about STDs too much to make a habit of it. But that's just me. 3
Author Gaeta Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 It was fun while it lasted.... I texted him yesterday at 6 pm. Never heard back from him. I see now he took all his profile pictures down.
Carm Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 It was fun while it lasted.... I texted him yesterday at 6 pm. Never heard back from him. I see now he took all his profile pictures down. Sorry to hear that...but honestly not really surprised. This is chance you take when you get physical with someone you don't know well enough. It is one of the reasons I won't just sleep with a man I hardly know. If they are not emotionally invested there is a good chance they won't stick around. That is not the only reason I wouldn't do what you did, the other is that I need to feel safe with a man and have an emotional connection with him. Oh well, next.....
todreaminblue Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 yeah i have gotten that from a few of my long time friends.....i have chosen not to have sex until marriage....and i get the pfft ex hooker who loves sex now celibate and that it isnt me to be celibate.....in fact when i get snappy they tell me to go "get a root" because not having sex is making me cranky.....which could actually be pretty true..because i actually really love sexual expression with someone i truly love....... ...but i wont have sex just to elevate my mood and with some random i have no idea of who he is....or how i feel for him truth is ...it is me celibate or not celibate.....it is my choice, i have changed, and i would think for me its me personal growth.......because it was never what i really wanted to have casual sex......i am stickign to my long forgotten values i had a girl.....so yeah born again virgin.......i am happier that way i am wary of people and that includes friends who dont support my personal growth.and tell me how i should be...rather than see how i am now and accept that as i accept them...it is a personal choice and if you are happy gaeta i am happy for you......if it is what you want .......i wish you well and hope everything works out.....deb 3
fitnessfan365 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 (edited) I was really bad at playing virgin Mary. I dressed sexy with cleavage, invite him home, and tell him to get his hands off of me *shaking head*. I must have appeared more like a nut case than a virgin Mary. Poor man. . You dress like you need a good F'ing, invite him back to your place, and then tell him no? You're crazy woman. But it's awesome that you're able to see the absurdity of your actions. This is what usually happens when people create "rules" in their mind instead of being authentic. Good to see that you're living in the moment and that you met a guy you had fun with. But I do agree that jewelry that soon is a bit much. Or maybe you just know how to work it in the sheets. It was fun while it lasted.... I texted him yesterday at 6 pm. Never heard back from him. I see now he took all his profile pictures down. Not necessarily. Since he was saying he already wanted to buy you jewelry, maybe he took his profile pictures down because he expects that you two are exclusve? Also, just because you texted him yesterday @ 6pm and haven't heard anything back yet, doesn't mean anything. People do have lives outside their phone. I mean why would he even bother following up with you the day after only to ditch you? Might want to give him the benefit of the doubt for at least the next few days. Still though, the jewelry situation and him taking his profile down, could mean a clingy nutcase. Just saying.. Edited April 9, 2015 by fitnessfan365
Author Gaeta Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Not necessarily. Since he was saying he already wanted to buy you jewelry, maybe he took his profile pictures down because he expects that you two are exclusve? Also, just because you texted him yesterday @ 6pm and haven't heard anything back yet, doesn't mean anything. People do have lives outside their phone. I mean why would he even bother following up with you the day after only to ditch you? Might want to give him the benefit of the doubt for at least the next few days. Still though, the jewelry situation and him taking his profile down, could mean a clingy nutcase. Just saying.. I know it doesn't make sense but flakes in general don't make sense. Will see if he resurfaces by the weekend. When he messaged me the following day he ended his message with 'have a nice week'. I thought that was unusual. Maybe he's oversea shopping jewelry at Jaubalet, Paris ;-) But seriously, the man took time today to log online and delete his pictures but didn't see my text waiting? . He took his pictures down because he doesn't want to be seen on there. If he's cligning to someone it's not me.
Methodical Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I know it doesn't make sense but flakes in general don't make sense. Will see if he resurfaces by the weekend. When he messaged me the following day he ended his message with 'have a nice week'. I thought that was unusual. Maybe he's oversea shopping jewelry at Jaubalet, Paris ;-) But seriously, the man took time today to log online and delete his pictures but didn't see my text waiting? . He took his pictures down because he doesn't want to be seen on there. If he's cligning to someone it's not me. Keep your chin up and head held high. At least you got one night of out-of-this-world-sex and you were true to yourself. Unfortunately there are a lot of flakes floating around. There's always next time... His loss! 2
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Look at this way. If a guy's MO is to flake after sex, it wouldn't have mattered if you had waited TEN dates to have sex with him....he would have flaked regardless. At least you didn't waste time and energy going out on more dates with him, becoming more emotionally involved, only to have him flake after sex anyway. So you saved wasting time, AND enjoyed a night of hot sex to boot! Win-win! 1
Kamille Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 It was fun while it lasted.... I texted him yesterday at 6 pm. Never heard back from him. I see now he took all his profile pictures down. May I suggest: the next time you have a fling with a man, resist looking at his profile. Him not replying to your text is all the information you need. Looking at his profile to see what he is up to is only keeping you more focused on him than needs be. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I think it's a bit of a misunderstanding when people talk about the timing of sex and the link between that and a relationship forming. I think, if it's right, it really doesn't matter when the sex happens. It could happen at the first date and the two live happily ever after. But when someone dates actively, most often than not, not waiting would lead to a long list of men you had casual sex with just because it's natural that that will happen. Meet someone, you don't know them from Adam, have sex, 90% of them go poof and would have gone poof anyway, but most likely before sex because people who are just after sex usually do not wait 10 dates and especially public dates. The odd one will trick you but as a general rule no, they bounce between dates 1-4. And if a woman is OK with that, that's fine, own it, learn not to feel the sting if they leave as soon as they're done with you and keep going. I am NOT OK with that scenario. I FEEL anger at that idea. So when I was dating, I was approaching this as a war. Arseholes will NOT get to sleep with me when THEY want to and in any case, definitely not by pretending to be someone else than they are and before they show how trustworthy they are. I will be the one to decide if I want to have casual sex, and I will decide with who and I will know from the start it's casual sex because I will be in the driver's seat. I mean, seriously. Gaeta at least is dating younger men. I was dating my age and older. I felt offended when meeting douches like that, seriously, look in the mirror before even attempting or even thinking to have casual sex with me. I'll have casual sex when I want it and with the hot, 10 years younger dude, not with you and I will do it not because the guy is lying, we'll both know it's casual, and we'll both know we'll just move on after. Tricking me...THAT makes me soooooo angry... 4
Ruby Slippers Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Totally agree with BluEyeL. I'm sorry to hear he didn't respond to you, but I can't say I'm surprised. The jewelry talk sounded like total BS to me. I don't think a guy who was serious and wanted to keep seeing you would throw around words like that. I think the truth is that just about any man, when he's looking for something real, deep down wants the woman to fully vet him before having sex with him. If you don't, they assume you fall into bed with just about anybody, and that makes you seem more like just another chick. It also takes away their incentive to bring their best, because you've told them they don't have to, your bar is low. As a male friend told me, "If she's easy, she's not amazing. If she's amazing, she's not easy." Of course, you're free to have all the casual sex you want, but I don't get the impression that you're truly OK with the guy disappearing after sex, and I certainly don't blame you for that. Like it or not, sex is the ultimate biological goal for men. If you're looking for more than just sex, how can letting a man break through the finish line tape after he's walked just a few steps be a good thing? 2
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 >>"Like it or not, sex is the ultimate biological goal for men"<< I don't believe that's true for all men. Certainly not the men I have been involved with, or the man I am currently involved with now. For many men, men worth having anyway, a woman's "love" is the ultimate goal, not her "body." I've never been one to hop into bed on the first or second date, however if I did and he disappeared afterwards, good riddance! How's THAT for a vetting process?! Forget HIM not feeling *I* am worthy, how about ME, or any woman, not feeling HE is worthy? One of my *requirements* is that a man be seeking LOVE and a long term committed relationship. Not just my BODY and a quick roll in the hay. So if a man *were* to disappear afterwards (which personally I have never had happen)..... like I said good riddance ....glad I found out sooner rather than later that we weren't on the same page. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Sure, a guy who ****s and runs is no catch. But the thread is about Gaeta and her approach to finding love, not him. A woman cannot possibly get to know a man's true intentions from a dating profile and one or two dates. Most men on OLD sites are just doing the song and dance to get laid. Not all, but most. I've never been fooled by one, because I see through their tricks pretty well. The ones who are looking for something meaningful make that very clear and back it up start to finish. 1
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Sure, a guy who ****s and runs is no catch. But the thread is about Gaeta and her approach to finding love, not him. A woman cannot possibly get to know a man's true intentions from a dating profile and one or two dates. Most men on OLD sites are just doing the song and dance to get laid. Not all, but most. I've never been fooled by one, because I see through their tricks pretty well. The ones who are looking for something meaningful make that very clear and back it up start to finish. Ruby, I realize this thread is about Gaeta, my post was in response to your comment suggesting men's ultimate goal is sex (as opposed to love).... which I don't believe is true in all cases... I also wanted to reassure Gaeta that her having sex with this guy so early was not *wrong*. She found out sooner rather than later that he wasn't in it for the long haul ....and probably wouldn't have been no matter how long she waited ....and that is a *good* thing! 2
Toodaloo Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 It was fun while it lasted.... I texted him yesterday at 6 pm. Never heard back from him. I see now he took all his profile pictures down. That sucks like a dyson... Agh sod it you had fun... The profile is down though so perhaps he is just resting his balls!!! You should have been easier on the poor ol' boy!!! Give it a couple of days. He may have misplaced his phone or something. I leave mine all over the place. He may be thinking whoa, how am I going to keep up with this amazing woman... It could be a whole host of things. At least you know you are not crusty down there and have broken the seal!!! Have a wonderful day and know that we all adore you. Some day a chap who sees what we do will come along and love you as much as we all do. xx <- those are hugs from me, and a couple more -> xx 5
Emilia Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 It was fun while it lasted.... I texted him yesterday at 6 pm. Never heard back from him. I see now he took all his profile pictures down. I get the sense from your threads that you become too vulnerable too soon to these men. Like you pick the ones whose approval you want to seek. It's not a two-way communication and building up of a genuine connection but a guy doing his thing and you trying to keep hold of him regardless his personality and character. Do you think you get to know the men you date before you decide that you like them? Does sex make this worse for you? You seem to attach to them quickly and that seems to blind you to their true nature. That's the impression I get from your threads. Is your goal to find a good man to be with or is it to be in a relationship? Women who tend to focus on the latter are the ones that get taken advantage of most often - from what I have seen. 1
Author Gaeta Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 I get the sense from your threads that you become too vulnerable too soon to these men. Like you pick the ones whose approval you want to seek. It's not a two-way communication and building up of a genuine connection but a guy doing his thing and you trying to keep hold of him regardless his personality and character. Do you think you get to know the men you date before you decide that you like them? Does sex make this worse for you? You seem to attach to them quickly and that seems to blind you to their true nature. That's the impression I get from your threads. Is your goal to find a good man to be with or is it to be in a relationship? Women who tend to focus on the latter are the ones that get taken advantage of most often - from what I have seen. I don't see myself as being vulnerable. If I were vulnerable there would be nothing left of me after the past 3 year dating roller coaster I had. I pick men I am attracted to. This one was younger the one before was older. I just go by attraction. Of course some of them I got to know as we dated for a few weeks or a couple of months, other no. Sex does not make it worse or better. I have done both, I have waited for sex and have had it quickly and it makes no difference. And I assure you I don't get attached or hurt by a man I saw a couple of times or had sex with. I can be disappointed and annoyed but not hurt. In this case here honestly I am not even disappointed, just `meh`. I want to find a good man, I want to be in a relation ship with a man I am excited about and attracted towards. I don't want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one. And lastly, I don't feel used. My mind doesn't work that way. When I have sex it's a fair exchange of sex for sex. It's not something I do in the hope to gain something else. 5
BluEyeL Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 As long as you can handle it, then it's ok to have sex at the first date. The point is to not hurt yourself, and everyone is different. I could handle it too, but only if I decided it's casual, otherwise I really don't want to give before is deserved. I think your feeling of annoyance is what I'm talking about too, rather than hurt. Except my annoyance is more extreme.
Toodaloo Posted April 10, 2015 Posted April 10, 2015 Personally I think the next date you should go dressed as wonder woman with your knickers on your head... Get man kind back for all the weirdos we have had to encounter!!! 3
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