My husband is having an emotional affair but doesn't think so

[Wash]

So a few weeks ago I found out that my husband had been texting a woman from his work way too much. Thousands of texts. When I confronted him he denied it until I proved it. Then I left. I had found out because her boyfriend sent me his texts. That night I read them over and over and analyzed whether they were inappropriate. Honestly I couldn't find anything that even suggested a physical relationships and no flirting. Just a lot of talking.

 

The next day we talked about being honest with each other (because he deleted his messages) and talked about the lack of time we spend together and lack of intimacy we have and agreed to recommit to our marriage. He continued to say that he was just friends with this girl and had no idea that he had been texting this much. I told him it didn't bother me that he had a friend but that it was pushing normal boundaries and the lieing and hiding had to stop.

 

So we started to do things together:walks, dinner, movies, outings, etc. the problem is he is still continuing to text his friend all of the time. He is not deleting any and they are totally platonic but he texts right when he wakes up to when he goes to sleep. I know if I bring it up it will push him farther away. I'm scared because I can tell she is on his mind if he texts whenever he has a chance. Oh and when this happened I called her and she very clearly said there was nothing there. I need to know where to go from here.

 

I want him to fade away from her and am thinking that continuing to focus on our relationship and strengthen it is probably the best route but here I am at 2 am wanting to read his phone to check that today's messages are all there and not of importance. Tell me how to fix our marriage.

Edited April 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[DbleBetrayal]

He is treading on dangerous territory. You do have a right to be concerned because there's only one way this is all heading... and always, always trust your gut feeling.

 

I believe there is a book called 'Not Just Friends' that I've seen recommended on this board numerous times. Perhaps get him to read that. I'd set some very clear boundaries to start with and keep a quiet watch after. Who knows, he's probably deleting all the dodgy texts and leaving all the platonic ones to put you off the scent. It's all very suspicious I'll tell you that.

 

It always begins with the texting/emailing, and then it all goes down hill from there.

[spanz1]

these sort of things do not normally stand the light of day. how about inviting over her and her BF for dinner. get to know them....as a couple, and maybe this fascination for texting can be diverted to something more "normal"

[Friskyone4u]

Buy him the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, put in under his nose, and make him read it with you.

 

What is happening is standard "workplace" affair preliminaries waiting to happen, and her boyfriend is also probably feeling the same.

if you just read this forum you will see where this can be headed if you allow it to continue.

 

Get the book, and do not accept him not understanding how you feel. being passive now will result in a lot of possible hurt later. Don't be a patsy.

[d0nnivain]

I never heard of emotional affairs until the Internet. Your husband is probably of the same mind set

 

 

Since you didn't find anything suspicious other than the sheer number of texts, power down & help him work his way back to you. Be gentle in your persuasion. This is totally fixable & nothing to blow up a marriage over if the volume of contact decreases.

[carhill]

IMO, two factors delineate the dividing line, irrespective of the apparent content of the communications.

 

1. Unknown to you, now and forever, since you can't read his mind - how he *feels* about the person.

 

2. Known to you, always, how you feel about the appropriateness of this communication. You, apparently, find the communication inappropriate.

 

The first step in a successful recovery, IMO, is for him to prioritize the marriage as his central and primary relationship and afford his partner the consideration which she is entitled by the commitment he made to her. You're not asking for a wholesale life change here, merely ceasing to text one human being. Seems reasonable, yes?

 

Since you want to work on the marriage, gauge his willingness by asking him to join you with a disinterested third party to outline the steps and clarify the perspectives of *both* parties, as no marriage operates in a vacuum. You both contribute to how it started and where it went and both are necessarily responsible for their own work process. A professional can assist.

 

Welcome to LS

[fellini]

Agreed. Glass is spectacular writing about workplace affairs. She has a metaphor about windows and walls (more than just boundaries) that is extremely lucid.

 

 

 

Buy him the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, put in under his nose, and make him read it with you.

 

What is happening is standard "workplace" affair preliminaries waiting to happen, and her boyfriend is also probably feeling the same.

if you just read this forum you will see where this can be headed if you allow it to continue.

 

Get the book, and do not accept him not understanding how you feel. being passive now will result in a lot of possible hurt later. Don't be a patsy.

[Spectre]

Guys, if this guy thinks it is okay to go and be sending thousands of texts to another woman then it doesn't matter what book you put down in front of the guy, it doesn't matter if you beat him over the head with the book, the message will never sink in.

 

If you need to read a book to realize sending thousands of texts to another woman who isn't your gf is wrong then your problems are way way deeper then relationship issues. We are talking just a fundamental lack of understanding of human nature here.

[Try]

He continued to say that he was just friends with this girl and had no idea that he had been texting this much. I told him it didn't bother me that he had a friend but that it was pushing normal boundaries and the lieing and hiding had to stop.

Why did you tell him that the "it didn't bother" you when it did bother you as it should? This is the mixed signals that people in emotional affairs (EA) look to exploit.

 

Although people in EAs will try to make you out to be crazy for having concerns, notice that your husband knew that it was wrong enough to hide and delete the messages, and that her boyfriend was concerned enough to tell you about it and to send you copies. You are not crazy to demand that he cut off all contact with her. The fact that he would not stop contact with her even after your marriage was almost over because of her, shows that they are more than just friends, as he was not willing to give her up for you.

 

You need to buy and read "Not Just Friends" immediately. This book will tell you why you are not crazy and why he needs to stop all contact with this other woman. After you read the book, you need to have him read the book and you need to also find a marriage counselor (MC) that is experienced with EAs and then set an appointment for you and your husband. If he is unwilling to read the book or to go to see a MC with you, then he is admitting that he knows what he is doing is wrong but is unwilling to give the other woman up for you. At that point your marriage is all but over anyways, and you must be willing to move on. You do not need to get a cheater to admit what they are doing is wrong for you to move on because they will not stop an EA. It is not a sure thing that he will pick you over his affair partner, but the longer that you wait to force the issue, the weaker the odds that he will choose you.

 

BTW, if he does chose his affair partner over you, he will try to blame you by claiming that you pushed him to her by your unreasonable demands and jealousy. Do not buy into this.

[truncated]

I'm not one to text much myself, but it sounds really weird that he would send thousands of texts, starting first thing in the morning to lats thing at night to anyone, whether it's a woman or a man.

 

Is it possible to become almost addicted to texting ? If he's doing it to the amount you say, it sounds like it is has become a harmful behavior, as it is starting to have a negative impact on his life. He substituting it for actual face to face human interaction.

 

Unless there is some reason why he needs his phone with him 24/7, ask him to shut it off when he is with you. Why does he need to stay in constant contact with her or with anyone, for that matter? If he has voicemail he can get calls, and any important texts can be read later.

 

It sounds like he needs to break the habit he has gotten into. You can make it fun by suggesting a weekend away together and challenge him to leave his phone at home ( you leave yours as well) and spend the time reconnecting. That way, you can strengthen your relationship and maybe he'll realize just how much time he is wasting through texting.

[whichwayisup]

So a few weeks ago I found out that my husband had been texting a woman from his work way too much. Thousands of texts. When I confronted him he denied it until I proved it. Then I left. I had found out because her boyfriend sent me his texts. That night I read them over and over and analyzed whether they were inappropriate. Honestly I couldn't find anything that even suggested a physical relationships and no flirting. Just a lot of talking.

 

The next day we talked about being honest with each other (because he deleted his messages) and talked about the lack of time we spend together and lack of intimacy we have and agreed to recommit to our marriage. He continued to say that he was just friends with this girl and had no idea that he had been texting this much. I told him it didn't bother me that he had a friend but that it was pushing normal boundaries and the lieing and hiding had to stop.

 

So we started to do things together:walks, dinner, movies, outings, etc. the problem is he is still continuing to text his friend all of the time. He is not deleting any and they are totally platonic but he texts right when he wakes up to when he goes to sleep. I know if I bring it up it will push him farther away. I'm scared because I can tell she is on his mind if he texts whenever he has a chance. Oh and when this happened I called her and she very clearly said there was nothing there. I need to know where to go from here.

 

I want him to fade away from her and am thinking that continuing to focus on our relationship and strengthen it is probably the best route but here I am at 2 am wanting to read his phone to check that today's messages are all there and not of importance. Tell me how to fix our marriage.

 

Be tough on him. He has two choices. End the friendship/EA with her and go no contact or he can pack his bags and move out and do as he pleases.

 

Don't believe her, her own boyfriend knows too and she still texts your husband, you know and he still texts her too!

 

Go to marriage counseling. The four of you get together and set rules, make them end the friendship. He can change his number. He can quit his job if he can't stay away from her. There are lots of options here.

[BlackHat]

IMHO I think the texting is but the visible part of a sexual iceberg you have yet to discover.

 

Unless you were exaggerating, I don't know of any man sending thousands of messages to someone at work, even to a good friend, unless he was getting something in return.

 

As a cheater myself, I know where it hurts, so here is what you should do. In a friendly tone tell him that since he seems to be such good friends with this woman you want to invite her to your home for dinner. Do NOT take a no for an answer.

 

As a cheater myself, I would try to avoid this situation at all costs, and I would even provoke a fight to get my way so DO NOT FALL FOR THAT. Always act calm and nice and keep in mind that his ultimate interest is to prevent you two to meet.

 

And remember that the trick is not to ask him whether or not she will have dinner, but to ask him about which date within the next two weeks. That would make it foolproof.

 

If she still refuses, you can consider yourself cheated. If he is a good cheater he will deny it, so there is no point entering into long conversations. Decide whether you want to stay with him and accept he cheated on you, or leave him. Either way, don't let him convince you otherwise.

 

If he accepts the dinner without a fight, then chances are he is just a bit silly.

 

Good luck and tell us how it went down.

[HereNorThere]

It's definitely not as innocent as you think. There's a reason why he is hiding it and lying to you. Deep down, he knows what he is doing is wrong, no doubt.

 

Whether or not he has crossed the line physically is a different discussion, but for now, let's just talk about the fact the he now knowingly causing you stress and pain. He knows this relationship bothers you and continues to pursue it. That alone would be enough for me to question his commitment to the relationship.

[Spectre]

I just do not even get how you end up sending thousands of texts to a woman you have no interest in.

[Friskyone4u]

I agree with the others. I just suggested the book to help him try to understand if you can get him into a truthful and sincere dialogue.

 

This amount of texts between married or partnered persons of the opposite sex if innocent reached the compulsive point. But as someone said, it could very likely be the tip of an iceberg you do not want to run in to.

 

And by the way, there is always a possibility the not so innocent e mails or texts are being done on one of the standard cheaters apps.

[Wash]

So I called him this morning and he could tell something was wrong. I was honest about being up all night wanting to check his messages but didn't because I don't want to have that kind of marraige. (We have 3 children at home and have been married for 5 years). He sounded sad and said he knew it was bothering me over the last few days. He said he would stop texting and again assured me that it was nothing but I said I didn't think it was physical but think that if it's bothering me then something needs to happens. He was just quite and said ok. I can tell he takes this as a betrayal of my trust to him and resents me for giving up his friend. I sent him a text saying that I truely do love him and appreciate his sacrificial to make this marraige work but am afraid he will be emotionally distant when he comes home. How to I get him to reconnect to me and forget about his obsession with recording attention from this other girl? Side note how do I trust he isn't racing out in other ways?

[carhill]

If his care is honest and earnest, he'll be proactive (meaning he'll take initiatives) to work on the M and demonstrate compromise and change in this area. Actions are the loudest words.

 

Here's my take... you're married five and have three children. He thinks he has you and some smooth talk will gloss things over. I hope he proves me wrong.

[oceangirl22]

Ok---wow does this situation suck.

 

First of all, do not play the "pick me " dance. Yes you want him to reconnect with you but do not confuse that with a doormat. Define your boundary and stay firm. So what he gives up a friend....would he feel comfortable if it were reversed and you were texting a male that often?

 

What is he gaining from this EA? Ego stroking, adventure, flirting...something. Men don't normally invest this type of energy and I would call this a "courtship" type relationship if it hasn't gone physical yet.

 

Even if we suspend disbelief and its _only_ a texting relationship why doesn't he put that much attention towards you? I'm sure you would love some of this attention. He needs to be still courting you.....not a coworker. You have three kids but that doesn't mean you don't crave desire and the seduction that you had when first together.

 

 

This texting is a habit and he is further reenforcing the cycle by continuing to do it. Every time the phone dings his brain will send a hit of chemicals that causes a excited reaction and the brain always wants what is novel and risky.

When you looked through the texting...what type of conversations did you see?

 

1. Don't beg or grovel for him. Cry in private. State your case but do not tolerate his cake eating. It will be hard but try not to obsess and become the "policeman" of the marriage. If he cares about the marriage he will do the right thing but bear in mind...he's going to be missing and in withdrawal once he quits talking to her. You don't send thousands of text and then just go cold turkey without a struggle.

 

2. Cheating doesn't always mean you have a troubled marriage, sometimes the individual doesn't like who they are and the EA or PA is a distraction from their internal damage. Reflect on yourself and stay healthy for you and the kids so that you can face this no matter which way it goes.

 

3. You can't educate him about affairs while he is in the middle of it. He's on infatuation crack. That doesn't mean you have to put up with any BS...that means learn all YOU can so can know what you are dealing with.

 

This sucks and it's painful and I'm sorry you are going through this.

[dichotomy]

You read this amount of direct texts - and not a single emotional or intimate or personal thing was shared? No discussion of seeing each other alone or anything ?

 

I can't imagine it was all about work - or the weather - or their favorite TV shows. If it was that innocent it is very strange and maybe you caught it before it turned emotional? Strange ....

Edited April 7, 2015 by dichotomy

[whichwayisup]

So I called him this morning and he could tell something was wrong. I was honest about being up all night wanting to check his messages but didn't because I don't want to have that kind of marraige. (We have 3 children at home and have been married for 5 years). He sounded sad and said he knew it was bothering me over the last few days. He said he would stop texting and again assured me that it was nothing but I said I didn't think it was physical but think that if it's bothering me then something needs to happens. He was just quite and said ok. I can tell he takes this as a betrayal of my trust to him and resents me for giving up his friend. I sent him a text saying that I truely do love him and appreciate his sacrificial to make this marraige work but am afraid he will be emotionally distant when he comes home. How to I get him to reconnect to me and forget about his obsession with recording attention from this other girl? Side note how do I trust he isn't racing out in other ways?

 

He resents you? This is NOT a betrayal of YOUR trust, this is a betrayal of YOUR trust in him. He has chosen to do this, selfishly and seems to care more about himself and big ego than you and the marriage.

 

If he is gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat regardless of what you say. Worst case scenario? You file for divorce and see how he reacts. You deserve a husband who is attentive to you, who loves you and puts you first and is a family man. Not someone who is acting like spoiled teenaged brat.

[No Limit]

Don't let your guard down just yet. Check his bill next month and if he's continued to text her in that frequency you know you're being played a fool.

I personally don't even see what's to question there. I don't exchange that many texts with any of my friends, usually two texts and then we meet/skype if they're from the other side of the country. That's possibly the only good news about this behavior; he likely hasn't slept with her yet, he's just lighting the 'passion'.

[adna89]

Talk honestly to him,explain how you feel,be fair but strict.Do not say stuff like "sorry"..he should be sorry!

 

you should be his priority not she,if you are not ok with his friendship with this woman you have the right to be against it,if the marriage means anything to him he will stop

 

Female-male friendship is rare.it usually turns out sexual,or one side gets romantic feelings

[DbleBetrayal]

I find it sad that you are concerned that he might be hurt because what you have expressed to him (regarding how inappropriate sending a million texts to anther woman - morning to night on a daily basis)- might make him feel you don't trust him. Believe me, he is betraying your trust. Don't let him turn it around on you- and more importantly don't let YOU turn it around on yourself.

 

If he resents you for giving up his 'friend', then that's suspicious in itself. It also bothers me that you are 'afraid he'll become emotionally distant when he comes home'- why? he just spent all day at work with her? You're already blaming yourself this early in the game? Wow. No, don't feel guilty at all. You're trying to strengthen your marriage- you can't have a strong marriage if your husband is texting anther woman when he is with you (that he also works with all day). Hell no.

 

Like others suggested, invite her and her boyfriend over for dinner some time. That way you can suss things out, keep in contact with her boyfriend to see if stories match up and what not. I think you mentioned somewhere that her boyfriend has been suspicious about it also. I mean, there's alarm bells everywhere. And to be completely honest I think lines have already been crossed. I'd be tempted to be very upfront and ask him some very direct uncomfortable questions and look him right in the eyes. But others might say that he'll just deny, deny, deny and take it deeper underground.

 

So perhaps install a VAR in his car, a keylogger on his computer and suss out his phone when he is unaware (when he thinks the 'dust has settled').

[Realist3]

He is having an emotional affair. That may not be a deal breaker for you, but it is just as serious as a physical affair.

 

People flirt to get each others attention and to gauge common interest. After that is determined there is no need to flirt. Trust me, I don't need to flirt with my MW, nor does she with me. We talk about normal everyday stuff. Do you flirt with your husband?

[Wash]

So he did get mad at me for saying something and said tried to make me feel like I am just being jealous of nothing and keeping him from making friends. I was clear that I was just not comfortable with it and that it was crossing intimacy boundaries by shear number of texts and the times of day regardless of the content of the conversation. He asked me if he should just cut out communication altogether and I said yes that would be best until we can develop trust again. I still don't think he sees the issue in it but am hoping he sticks to his word. I am not going to check our accounts everyday anymore because it is becoming an obsession I don't want to live with. I will wait until the end of the month and just see what the situation is. I recieved this message from the OW this morning:

 

I am going to terminate Jonathan and I relationship since it's causing you jealousy and insecurities. I hooe this helps with any hardships you two have been having and hope this makes you happy.

 

I responded:Thank you. I think that's best until we can all either get to know each other so there are no more secrets or lies or until all four of us can sit down and define normal boundaries for friendships so everyone is on the same page. I appreciate you supporting our marriage this way and truly wish your relationship with my husband didn't start and continue on secrets(which is on him not you). Please just try to see things through my eyes and again thank you for allowing me to start building trust with my husband again. He is the person I want to spend my life with and raise our children and grandchildren together with and right now we need to find a way to open back up with each other and develop honest and open communication.

 

Then she said: There were never secret or lies. If I wanted your husband or wanted to keep lies it would have been done already. We were just friends who were able to relate and talk. And we aren't children, there are no reasons for us to sit down and set boundaries when we are adults and know the difference between right and wrong. And for whatever reasons he is hiding secrets, I am sorry but he shouldnt have nothing to hide. I am just doing this for him because he will be the one stressed since you don't like our friendship. The more you try to control a man, the more he will push away. I understand you want to spend the Rest of your life with him, but there has to be some space and wether it's mine or anoth friendship, he needs friends to vent to.

 

Finally I said:I agree he shouldn't have felt like it was something he needed to keep secret or private but the fact that he did and continued to is the reason I am not comfortable. Whether you see it or not the secrecy on his side and the urg he has to text and talk to you as soon as he wakes up and before he goes to sleep and throughout the day indicates there is a problem. It crosses boundaries I have and hope you respect that. But it doesn't matter if you see it through my eyes. Again I would like us all to someday get together and get to know each other as people. The fact it didn't start out like that is sad. please support our marriage by not holding grudges against me or the situatiin it will only cause hostility. I hold no ill will and would like to move forward. I appreciate you supporting jonathan by giving us space to work things out.

 

So verdict, did I handle the situation well? I now do not know where to go from here. All I can do is hope he keeps his promises. Do I go about acting like my normal loving self? I'm still mad and hurt and feel like it's not ok for him to be the mad one at home and I'm just trying my best to please him. Do I just stay distant and wait for him to strep up and come to me to work things oUT or will that just drive him back to her. One moment his problem is that we aren't connected and don't spend time together. The next is that I'm suffocating and he can't have friends (normal friends I'm supportive of, in fact I encourage him all the time. Girl friends who you text with upwards of 50 times a day and lie about, not so much)

 

By the way thank you everyone for giving me feed back. It's hard not to feel crazy in a situation like this.