HeartOfAPhoenix Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Maybe you can explain this to me-- I was in a relationship with her, but basically told her to her face that I was still in love with someone else and didn't love her. I was sleeping with her and treating her like my girlfriend since it was convenient for me. I was using her. I was a complete ass. She probably should have left long before, but she empathized and stuck with me and was kind, and stayed there to comfort me. That was her decision. You can admire her for how she stuck through that all you want, but that does not make it a binding contract. she has her boundaries and you have yours. When she finally came across someone who she had known for years, and who said (and apparently meant) that he loved her and wanted to be with her unconditionally, how do I blame her for taking him up on that? You seriously consider that cheating? And she didn't even sleep with him or agree to run off with him right then, but came back to me, explained the situation truthfully, and had a difficult time making a decision as to what to do. I don't consider it putting her on a pedestal to want to treat her with kindness given how I was toward her. emotional swinging then? good on her for honesty. I think you're still in the mindset of being in a relationship with her. You've broken up, it's over. All promises, plans, and intimacy with her is out the window at this point. But maybe it is true that I'm distorting this somehow. I'd really like to know what I'm missing here.We can only attempt to provide insight to the information you provide here. But at this point I think your plan should be to stick to NC. If she does contact you then sit on it for a few days, react to the contents of the message as opposed to trying to predict the future. After you've thought about it then reply if you deem necessary. And if you need help when/if you get a message this forum will be here. But for right now, focus on NC and bettering yourself. 1
hunk Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 I am with you on this one man. I know exactly the position you are in, as i've said earlier in this thread. This is really really weird situation. On one hand, yes you pushed her away and I understand empathizing with her decision to want to be with another guy. If you TRULY did treat her poorly then no, you CAN'T blame her for moving on to someone who is giving her what she wanted all along. Why would anyone condemn her for doing this? Why should she have to stay with you? On the other hand, she never proactively ended things with you and kind of just transitioned onto this other guy while still in a relationship with you. She should have taken the initiative and brought it up with you - told you to your face "I don't want this anymore, if you don't get your **** together we are over, you're not giving me what I need", BEFORE it got to the point of her being able to so easily fall for another guy. Technically, she cheated on you, but it's very hard to condemn her for this given the way your relationship was. You screwed up by treating her poorly, she screwed up by not ending it when she should have and by getting involved with another guy while you were still technically together. You both have equal burdens to bear here, and therefore I think the best plan of action is to tell her you think you both messed up - "we both made a mess of this, let's do our own thing" THAT is what I would say if she contacts you, nothing else. If you want her to remain interested in you as a romantic partner you can't just keep admitting guilt, yes you've told her you were a bad boyfriend, but you also showed her you regret and understand what you've done. Now you've got to leave her with a strong image of you, and i believe this is achievable through you completely understanding the breakup and walking away with no hard feelings. You need to look at it as if you both just messed up on this thing. I know how hard it is to be angry at her, it almost feels impossible, and you just wanna keep telling her over and over how sorry you are and how bad you feel, because yeah, she hasn't actually done anything THAT BAD given the context of your relationship. But for the sake of any interest on her part you need to stay strong and tell her you both need to take a long break and do your own thing. 1
Author pasteurization Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 Yes, in a perfect world, she should have been clearer with me that she was unhappy and ended the relationship in some sort of "official" way before considering anyone else. Life isn't always that clear-cut though. i think if this other guy hadn't come along, we would still be together in a non-relationship, and I would still be sleeping with her and still unable to commit to her. This has nothing to do with balls or spinelessness. It is about no longer wanting to be a dick, and doing what's right. I've done this kind of commitment-phobia thing with other women in the past and I'm sick of it. This time was the last straw. I'm only looking for the best way to end this one with dignity and kindness, and I think there have been some great suggestions here. Thanks for it all. When she does write, I'll give it a few days and really consider what I want to say (if anything.) I'll also post here. 1
erklat Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 You need to get out of this 'when she contacts me mindset ' ASAP.
todreaminblue Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Normally i have found with kindness comes a forgiving compassionate personality...in that respect .however you treated her unfairly is most likely not important to her anymore...when you are kind grudges arent what you want to hold onto....especially when you care for a person.....hurt feelings are easier to get over than hold a grudge for them.... whatever you say to her whatever you decide she will understand and respect you for...i am sure of one thing...whatever you say will be the right thing for you and for her if you follow your heart.....return the kindness....and be honest when you do communicate with her......best wishes....deb 1
fireflywy Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Maybe you can explain this to me-- I was in a relationship with her, but basically told her to her face that I was still in love with someone else and didn't love her. I was sleeping with her and treating her like my girlfriend since it was convenient for me. I was using her. I was a complete ass. She probably should have left long before, but she empathized and stuck with me and was kind, and stayed there to comfort me. When she finally came across someone who she had known for years, and who said (and apparently meant) that he loved her and wanted to be with her unconditionally, how do I blame her for taking him up on that? You seriously consider that cheating? And she didn't even sleep with him or agree to run off with him right then, but came back to me, explained the situation truthfully, and had a difficult time making a decision as to what to do. I don't consider it putting her on a pedestal to want to treat her with kindness given how I was toward her. But maybe it is true that I'm distorting this somehow. I'd really like to know what I'm missing here. Yes. It was cheating and you don't know what else happened other then what she TOLD you. Sure you may not have been a paragon of virtue, but she knew where you stood and accepted it and was in a RELATIONSHIP with YOU. She then went off, had her little rendezvous with the ex, and THEN broke it off with you.
fireflywy Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 On the other hand, she never proactively ended things with you and kind of just transitioned onto this other guy while still in a relationship with you. She should have taken the initiative and brought it up with you - told you to your face "I don't want this anymore, if you don't get your **** together we are over, you're not giving me what I need", BEFORE it got to the point of her being able to so easily fall for another guy. Technically, she cheated on you, but it's very hard to condemn her for this given the way your relationship was. Disagree. She cheated. No excuses there which make it hard for you to condemn her actions. She should have got off the OP's merry-go-round before she hopped on another. She has no integrity in THAT particular area. With that said, have you ever considered that perhaps the reason that she is so "nice" is because she is trying to DEFLECT you and her from feeling the guilt of HER actions? Food for thought. 2
Author pasteurization Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 You know, I've been feeling so guilty over the way this went down, that I never really looked at the ways she contributed to the whole mess. Thanks for opening my eyes a bit. She did string me along for a long time after she clearly knew she was going to be with the other guy, and made me believe there was a chance. I also think you are right, that some of her being so 'nice' right now is her deflecting her own guilt. All of this may be true, but it doesn't make it feel any better. It does make me less likely to want to respond to her, though.
fireflywy Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 (edited) It's almost two months now, and the truth is that I'm not over her, and probably won't be for a long time. When she contacts me I don't really want to talk and go into how I'm not over her and still in love and all that. I actually hope that they end things and she comes back to me. Should I just ignore the contact and stay completely NC, or should I write her something back (and if so, what?). She is very kind and well meaning, but I don't think she understands how much pain I'm in over this. Thank you for whatever advice you can give. The bolded are the two things which answer your question. If she contacts you, and I hope she doesn't, you get to decide what you say. Honestly, you don't have to say anything at all or even honestly respond to her and say "Thanks for calling. I know I made my errors in the relationship but honestly, I need more time to talk to you and will do so when/if I'm ready. Thanks for calling." It CAN be that simple. With that said, the second thing is ALSO important. You can tell her ALL YOU WANT how much pain you are in but do you really think that it will make her change her mind? Do you really think, since she's with someone new that all of the sudden she'll say "Woah! I had no idea you were so hurt! Here, let me drop this guy I dropped you for I'm with so I can come back to you because what you said was SOOO incredible!" Not at all and in the off chance she DID, its not the reason WHY you would want her back. Lastly, keep in mind the nice part. Focus on that and then focus on yourself. Edited April 8, 2015 by fireflywy 1
NC-Thomas Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 All of this may be true, but it doesn't make it feel any better. It does make me less likely to want to respond to her, though. Your current emotional state does indeed not allow for straight logical thinking at the moment. The truth only holds value for a logical mind. The emotions are just something you need to plow through. Face that pain, use it to make you a better person. Every break-up makes you a wiser and stronger person, because you are forced to look at your downsides and work on it. 1
dumbass2 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I suggest you take the initiative and control and send her something today that tells her essentially that you cannot just be friends and tell her to please respect your wishes and not contact you again and wish her the best and be done and start moving forward. By doing this you are telling her that you want a romantic relationship with her or nothing right now and not telling her flat out that you're still in love and can't get over her. It may imply that if she wants to take it that way, but it's the truth from you and the bottom line without you coming off as groveling and disrespecting yourself by putting out all of your feelings. It's straight and to the point. I feel in your situation that you are waiting and hoping that she is going to contact you and if 2 months comes and goes and nothing from her, that you will be hurt and wanting to contact her and will continue to wait while impeding your progress to move forward. Just my assumption. Do not be waiting on her. Take control and send her something asap. Write it down. Sit on it a few days. Put in on here for some input, then send it. Short and to the point. What I suggested is not finality, but will hopefully give you more time to be away from her and really see things with a clearer prospective so if she did decide to attempt to contact you further down the road, you might be in a better place to deal with it, but by telling this to her right now, she knows where you stand and if she is just looking for a friends thing, she will not contact you. If she does, then you already laid it out to her so you can feel good that you were upfront with her and told her where you are at and if she calls, you can answer and if she wants anything other than what you said, then you stand behind what you sent her. No friends. 1
Author pasteurization Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) Thanks for the suggestion Dumbass2... My next-to-last last message to her was similar to what you wrote. I told her that I was in love with her, couldn't be just friends, and that we should say goodbye. She then wrote me back saying she couldn't accept that, and was miserable. Stupidly, I then suggested that we instead stay out of touch for two months and then check in. That's when she said she was marking it in her calendar, would get in touch when the time was up, and that I could contact her anytime before if I changed my mind. I think I'm just going to let it go. I haven't been obsessing or counting the days until the 2 months is up. I've also started to date again, so it hasn't held me back. I think it looks stronger to just stay away--writing now makes it seem like I am definitely still struggling and haven't been able to move on. No contact seems best unless she writes me. If she does write, I'll decide how to handle it then. Edited April 9, 2015 by pasteurization 2
hunk Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Please just let it go man. Post in here whenever you get the urge or idea to contact her or anything and we will snap you out of it. 1
Chi townD Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Just let it go. The moment you told her that you didn't love her should have ended the relationship right there and you two should have went your separate ways. Forget the "two month" reaching out to each other deal. Just continue to live your life as if she's gone from the country. If she does try to contact you (which I have my doubts will happen) then you need to ignore it. 1
Diezel Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 She suggested two months? Probably because that'd give her enough time to decide if the other guy was worth it in that time, and if not, she could come back to you, the guy who decided she pushed her away. And if not, she could keep you as a friend, as a Plan B, just in case. Kind, and well-meaning. Not so sure about that.
dumbass2 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 Thanks for the suggestion Dumbass2... My next-to-last last message to her was similar to what you wrote. I told her that I was in love with her, couldn't be just friends, and that we should say goodbye. She then wrote me back saying she couldn't accept that, and was miserable. Stupidly, I then suggested that we instead stay out of touch for two months and then check in. That's when she said she was marking it in her calendar, would get in touch when the time was up, and that I could contact her anytime before if I changed my mind. I think I'm just going to let it go. I haven't been obsessing or counting the days until the 2 months is up. I've also started to date again, so it hasn't held me back. I think it looks stronger to just stay away--writing now makes it seem like I am definitely still struggling and haven't been able to move on. No contact seems best unless she writes me. If she does write, I'll decide how to handle it then. Since it does sound like you are in a good place, then yes, do not do anything as long as you are not hoping/wishing that she is going to call and you'll be waiting. Deal with it if she eventually tries to contact you and don't contact her again. I get a better sense of where you are now. Just be honest with yourself and do what is best for you. Always do what you want to do as long as it is thought out a bit before hand and if you make a mistake along the way, just don't repeat it. Best of luck 1
Author pasteurization Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Just let it go. The moment you told her that you didn't love her should have ended the relationship right there and you two should have went your separate ways. This is absolutely true. If she had left then, I probably would have realized my mistake earlier and made up for it before this other guy was in the picture.
Karin2rinkashi Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 This is absolutely true. If she had left then, I probably would have realized my mistake earlier and made up for it before this other guy was in the picture. Interesting username... And yeah, once you take a stance, don't back off.
Author pasteurization Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 So, it's been a while since I was here, and just wanted to let everyone know what happened and get your feedback... She did contact me after about 2-1/2 months, and basically told me the exact same things as before we went NC. That she was getting engaged, but still desperately wanted me in her life, and still loved me (even if she was "in love" with this other person.) She wanted to go out for drinks with me. I responded that it was nice of her to say those things, but that it wouldn't help anyone (especially her new fiancee) for us to see each other and that we should just stay away until the feelings were completely gone. She agreed and then said that it would be tough for her to see me too since she never lost her attraction to me. I said goodbye, and she said that she hoped I quickly got to a place where we could see each other again. This whole exchange set me back a good bit, and I'm feeling pretty bad, but at least I know now that it is done done. I won't contact her ever again until I'm sure that I'm indifferent (if that ever happens). I think that she thinks that she is being nice by saying all those things, and doesn't realize how hurtful they actually are. I know-- It probably would have been better not to have responded when she contacted me, but that would have left me wondering, and know at least I know that the book can be completely closed. Thanks, and I'd love to hear any comments...
DexterLS Posted June 7, 2015 Posted June 7, 2015 So, it's been a while since I was here, and just wanted to let everyone know what happened and get your feedback... She did contact me after about 2-1/2 months, and basically told me the exact same things as before we went NC. That she was getting engaged, but still desperately wanted me in her life, and still loved me (even if she was "in love" with this other person.) She wanted to go out for drinks with me. I responded that it was nice of her to say those things, but that it wouldn't help anyone (especially her new fiancee) for us to see each other and that we should just stay away until the feelings were completely gone. She agreed and then said that it would be tough for her to see me too since she never lost her attraction to me. I said goodbye, and she said that she hoped I quickly got to a place where we could see each other again. This whole exchange set me back a good bit, and I'm feeling pretty bad, but at least I know now that it is done done. I won't contact her ever again until I'm sure that I'm indifferent (if that ever happens). I think that she thinks that she is being nice by saying all those things, and doesn't realize how hurtful they actually are. I know-- It probably would have been better not to have responded when she contacted me, but that would have left me wondering, and know at least I know that the book can be completely closed. Thanks, and I'd love to hear any comments... Stay No Contact as long as you have feelings for her. You will only hurt yourself. All the best buddy.
Author pasteurization Posted June 7, 2015 Author Posted June 7, 2015 Thanks, Dexter-- You know it is amazing how differently it feels with nothing to anticipate-- no calls in two months from now, no promise to see each other in a certain amount of time... Just the end. It helps to let her go for good. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted June 8, 2015 Posted June 8, 2015 Staying in strict NC would have been ideal, but I think you handled the exchange well. It sounds like you've realized that the relationship IS over, and keeping in touch is a bad idea. That's a very good place to be, for sure.
Author pasteurization Posted June 8, 2015 Author Posted June 8, 2015 Thanks ZiggyZoo-- Just a word of advice to those whose ex begs them to be friends and says they still love them: It isn't real. It is guilt and kindness driving them to say that. I don't think they are saying those things to intentionally give hope or deceive, but I also don't think they realize how it is perceived by the one on the receiving end.
Author pasteurization Posted June 20, 2015 Author Posted June 20, 2015 So, it's been only a few weeks since we said our "final" goodbye, and I get yet another text from her about how I've been "heavy on her mind" and she's not dealing well without my friendship, and that she really wants to go get a drink together, etc. Why? This is a woman who is getting married soon to the guy she picked over me. I've already said many times that I can't be friends and that we should not be in contact, and she said she understood. I'm not responding, but getting messages like this can't help but once again spur some hope after I've finally put it to bed. What's going on in her brain?
dumbass2 Posted June 20, 2015 Posted June 20, 2015 So, it's been only a few weeks since we said our "final" goodbye, and I get yet another text from her about how I've been "heavy on her mind" and she's not dealing well without my friendship, and that she really wants to go get a drink together, etc. Why? This is a woman who is getting married soon to the guy she picked over me. I've already said many times that I can't be friends and that we should not be in contact, and she said she understood. I'm not responding, but getting messages like this can't help but once again spur some hope after I've finally put it to bed. What's going on in her brain? She is being selfish and you told her not to contact you because you can't just be friends. You want an all or nothing romantic relationship. Don't settle for anything less. Absolute best thing is to ignore, no matter how tempting it is to want to go hang out. Keep telling yourself she is getting married. It's not like she is just dating some other guy. There is no hope here. Ignore her, she'll get the message at some point and she may try to put a guilt trip on you for ignoring her. You may need to block so she doesn't prolong your healing. 1
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