pasteurization Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Hi Everyone-- I'd appreciate any advice you could give... I dated someone for about a year, and throughout the relationship, I could never commit or tell her I loved her. She went on a vacation and met a love from long ago who told her that he had never forgotten her, had always loved her, and was now ready to commit and marry her. She came back very confused. I immediately realized what I was about to lose, and told her how much she meant to me (and did a lot more to prove my love). It was too late though. After a couple of months of back and forth, she told me she needed to pursue the other man or she would always regret what might have been. I don't blame her at all, and am filled with unbearable regret for what I lost. Here's the part I need help with. She says that I am still her best friend and she always wants me to be in her life. She even said she told her new (old) love that he couldn't object to her seeing me. I told her that I needed at least a couple of months of no contact to get over her. She understood and said she was putting the date in her calendar and would contact me in exactly two months. It's almost two months now, and the truth is that I'm not over her, and probably won't be for a long time. When she contacts me I don't really want to talk and go into how I'm not over her and still in love and all that. I actually hope that they end things and she comes back to me. Should I just ignore the contact and stay completely NC, or should I write her something back (and if so, what?). She is very kind and well meaning, but I don't think she understands how much pain I'm in over this. Thank you for whatever advice you can give.
Cinnamonstix Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 If you're not ready, I say stay NC. We can't set dates for these sorts of things. 1
CC12 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Should I just ignore the contact and stay completely NC, or should I write her something back (and if so, what?). I think you should write back, since you sort of made a deal with her to talk after two months. All you have to say is, "I don't think we can be friends. I wish you the best." 3
lolablue17 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) She contacts - you answer: "I will always remember you and i wish you all the best in the world. You chose to lose me. I've already moved on. Never contact me again." It is very important not to give her any thread of information about yourself. Let her wonder what is the meaning of "I've moved on". And now start moving on for real Edited April 7, 2015 by lolablue17 5
Author pasteurization Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Thank you all for the advice. It sounds reasonable, but a little harsh given that she has been nothing but kind to me, and the reason she left was really my fault. Do you think there's a way to step away nicely, but still make her wonder what I'm doing and leave open the possibility of her returning to me? Thanks again for the help. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Wait to see what her message says - if any. Judge your response on the contents of that (or lack thereof).
hunk Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Hey man. We're in essentially the exact same position here. Basically we completely screwed up and we were literally the reason the relationship ended. It was our behavior that ruined it, and yes I fully empathize with the pain you are feeling, it's very very distressing and the regret is almost unbearable at times. Because it was our fault, going NC just seems like such a counterproductive idea. WE treated them like garbage and basically forced them to check out and end the relationship. How does going NC fix this? I struggled with this question for a while until I came up with an answer. Our exes were emotionally exhausted with our behavior to the point where their feelings for us essentially changed. Your ex still has fond feelings for you, but you couldn't give her what she wanted and after such a prolonged period of feeling this she has fallen out of love and found what she was looking for in you for the entire time, with this guy. Obviously there's nothing you, nor me can do. We've both laid out exactly how we feel and expressed remorse, regret etc. so they know how we feel, but it's just too late. For my ex(es), i genuinely believe she WANTS to feel what she used to feel for me again, but I just drained her of any affection towards me through not committing, not expressing love etc. It's emotional exhaustion, when you are chasing someone who isn't reciprocating or giving you what you want and need from a relationship. After a while there's nothing more left to give, and i think this is where our exes just checked out completely. I think the solution is just complete and utter NC. She needs space from you. She might not even know that she needs this, and might want to keep you around, but you need to disappear for a while to let things cool off. If there's one thing I feel might work in your favor, it's that throughout the relationship she was the one chasing. This sounds kind of ridiculous, but that was the dynamic, it wasn't the other way around like most breakups seem to be. You were the unobtainable guy in her eyes and this is alot better than being the subservient man-slave who is blindsided when they get dumped. At least we were in some kind of control and ultimately completely not surprised when we were dumped. She just became tired of this because you didn't recognize when it was time to switch gears and start giving what she needed. Expressing you want to try again and that you are sorry and most importantly that you UNDERSTAND where you messed up and how you've made her feel is enough. Now is just the time to give her space. When she contacts you, I would tell her you agree with the breakup and you wish her luck. Tell her the best thing to do is to both go your own ways for a while, not as friends, not as anything other than your own individual person. Wish her luck with the new guy and try to sound as genuine and non-game-playing as possible. Then just ghost and do complete 100% NC. If she doesn't contact you, you don't contact her and you stay in complete NC. It's what i've done and I'm starting to forgive myself and see things clearer. 3
Author pasteurization Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Hunk, that sounds like just the right advice. It is kind, and non-manipulative, but lets her know that I can't be friends. She is extraordinary, and would make the most loyal friend possible, but it would destroy me now. Maybe in a few years when the feelings are gone. If anyone else has comments or advice It would be very appreciated. I want to get this right.... Thanks 1
d0nnivain Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 She says that I am still her best friend and she always wants me to be in her life. She even said she told her new (old) love that he couldn't object to her seeing me. I told her that I needed at least a couple of months of no contact to get over her. She understood and said she was putting the date in her calendar and would contact me in exactly two months. It's almost two months now, and the truth is that I'm not over her, and probably won't be for a long time. When she contacts me I don't really want to talk and go into how I'm not over her and still in love and all that. I actually hope that they end things and she comes back to me. Should I just ignore the contact and stay completely NC, or should I write her something back (and if so, what?). She is very kind and well meaning, but I don't think she understands how much pain I'm in over this. I don't think she is going to call. Any version of let's be friends is lie dumpers tell to soften the blow. They don't mean it. If she does call, since you are still not over her, tell her that you can't handle being just friends & you need her to stay away indefinitely while you get over being dumped. Remind her if she is any sort of a nice person she will respect that & not cause you more pain. Then go back to ignoring her.
hunk Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I also sort of get the vibe you've been friendzoned a bit throughout all of this. The whole thing about her talking to you about the other guy and her communication with him regarding you is a bit weird and kind of disrespectful. Her telling him (the guy she is now sexually invested in) that he's gonna have to be ok with her keeping her good buddy the ex around just screams you are no longer an object of sexual desire nor threat to her whatsoever ("you have to be ok with me seeing my ex, but since i'm telling you this it means i have no interest in him sexually anymore, he is just my friend and i feel extremely guilty about what i've done to him. Since I have told you this i've already made my mind up I want you and not him".) It seems like your relationship fizzled out into a strange platonic friendship. If this is indeed the case then it's vital you take some initiative and go NC both if she contacts you (to which you need to be proactive and decisive about - i wouldn't say you "can't" be friends with her, rather you agree it's the best thing to do and that you don't really have any interest in being friends with her) and if she doesn't contact then you go strict NC, to regain some of the dignity lost throughout all this. Just some additional insight i guess. 1
lolablue17 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Thank you all for the advice. It sounds reasonable, but a little harsh given that she has been nothing but kind to me, and the reason she left was really my fault. Do you think there's a way to step away nicely, but still make her wonder what I'm doing and leave open the possibility of her returning to me? Thanks again for the help. I don't think you get to the bottom of what people here are trying to tell you. She is kind and charming and she didn't do anything wrong. She also thought of what's best for her and it's perfectly OK. Now it's your turn to do what's best for you. Otherwise you'll make lots of mistakes. Your reply should contain these elements: 1. You wish her the best - That means you are in peace with her, no resentment, no hard feelings. 2. Let her understand that you've already moved on and doesn't need her. (She will definitely not like it but It will make it clear to her that you can't be bought cheaply). 3. You don't want her to contact you any more- That means that you might be still hurt with her leaving you. It will give her hope that on day, if she misses you, she knows what to do to get you back. All of the above should also letting you feel that the door is closed. Because if you think that the door is open, you will not heal fast and correctly. You lost her, but you can lose much more and you have to keep your dignity and self respect and rebuilding your manhood. By trying to be too nice to her you can lose it and be feeling like a doormat which can damage your confident.
Author pasteurization Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Thanks Hunk and LolaBlue-- It was a weird ending. When she first told me what was going on, she was still having sex with me and not him (he lives out of state but plans to move), and claiming that she was very confused as to which way to go. It was a competition of sorts between the two guys for her affection. But after a month or so, I could feel her shift toward him, and her explanations became very clear-- that he had committed to her without reservation and never wavered, and I had strung her along for a long time. Also the fact that she had loved him in the past and that had become strongly rekindled. I guess after that, I was friendzoned, but unwilling to admit it. I thought I was still fighting to win her over, but her mind had already been settled. It was rough, and confusing, and I lost almost 15 pounds (and I'm not a heavy guy). I never begged, but I did do a lot to try to convince her (I could give her a much better life than the other guy). Sshe continued to taper off toward me, and I finally knew it was time to go NC. I wish I hadn't set the 2 month time frame, and I am certain she will contact me when it comes, but I will keep my dignity and move on. It feels bad. She is so unbelievably kind and I do want to be a part of her life, but I know it is impossible. I can only hope that the feelings fade to indifference and we can get to the friendship in a year or two.
darkmoon Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 so she has this ex and so on - but still wants to unforgettably contact you? step back from her two-boyf drama, tell her to come back single tbh, if you meet somebody new in the meantime, it will be a lot less painful than her drama currently casting you so rigidly as the must-contact ex
Chi townD Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 She's very kind and well meaning?!?! Please, give me a break! She dumped you for another guy. She put more of a value to him while she was with you. Then, she tries to dictate what kind of relationship she will have with you. She also goes on to tell you that she's informed the other dude that she will continue to see you regardless of his feelings. Thus, she's going to use the both of you. She'll have you to take care of her emotional needs and have this guy to take care of all her physical needs. She'll have the best set up in the world!!! But, how is that fair to you? You know damn well that you want her back and she knows it. So, she will tell you exactly what you want to hear and fill you up with false hope to keep you on the hook. Hence, stopping you from finding anyone else and make you available to her anytime she wants an ego boost. That's not kind and that's not well meaning! The kind thing to do is let you go to find someone that wants to be with you because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. Your Ex showed you she would rather be with the other dude. If she contacts you, ignore it. Heal and move on with your life. 1
Author pasteurization Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Thanks again-- This would be easy if she actually dumped me for another guy, but the truth is that I pushed her out the door and into another guy's arms, and only realized what I had done after it was too late. A very different situation. I'm sure that she is trying to do what hurts me least, and also genuinely still loves me, so she thinks that maintaining friendship is the way to minimize the pain for both of us. That's why I want to be kind and honest in my reply. Maybe I'll write it up ahead of time, and ask for your comments. I'd really appreciate them... 1
dvx Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Thanks again-- This would be easy if she actually dumped me for another guy, but the truth is that I pushed her out the door and into another guy's arms, and only realized what I had done after it was too late. A very different situation. I'm sure that she is trying to do what hurts me least, and also genuinely still loves me, so she thinks that maintaining friendship is the way to minimize the pain for both of us. That's why I want to be kind and honest in my reply. Maybe I'll write it up ahead of time, and ask for your comments. I'd really appreciate them... How can you push someone else into someones arms? How do you know she will contact you? I would be pissed if she contacted me. You don't go to a vacation and meet an "old love" just like that. She wasn't loyal enough, and you don't need that. 1
Chi townD Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Thanks again-- This would be easy if she actually dumped me for another guy, but the truth is that I pushed her out the door and into another guy's arms, and only realized what I had done after it was too late. A very different situation. I'm sure that she is trying to do what hurts me least, and also genuinely still loves me, so she thinks that maintaining friendship is the way to minimize the pain for both of us. That's why I want to be kind and honest in my reply. Maybe I'll write it up ahead of time, and ask for your comments. I'd really appreciate them... No, no, no. You DO NOT take the blame for her cheating on you. And yes she did. She got emotionally involved with someone else that she decided to move onto this other dude. That wasn't your fault. If she was unhappy, she should have approached you. She should have told you that she was unhappy and the both of you work on fixing things. Dude, this wasn't your fault. Sure, you probably weren't boyfriend of the year. But, you didn't deserve that.
Author pasteurization Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 I do take the blame for this one. I was very kind to her, and we supported each other a lot (no fighting ever), but due to my being hung up on a previous relationship that had ended a year before, I basically told her that I was still in love with someone else and didn't love her. I was blind to what I had in front of me until it was too late. I'm not sure how it is her fault at all for going off with someone else, and I actually think it is amazing that she loves me enough to want me as a friend. That is why I won't be cruel or filled with blame, or be anything else but kind to her during all of this. I know, though, that I can't handle friendship right now, and want to let her know that it is going to take a long time before I get there, while still allowing for the possibility of her being able to come back to me. Still looking for the best way to say all that given the strange circumstances. Thanks to all who wrote again! 2
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 In this case, I would stay no contact as it is just going to hurt you trying to pretend you are over it or explaining you are not. Sorry it's still so hard for you. x 1
NC-Thomas Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) I do take the blame for this one. I was very kind to her, and we supported each other a lot (no fighting ever), but due to my being hung up on a previous relationship that had ended a year before, I basically told her that I was still in love with someone else and didn't love her. I was blind to what I had in front of me until it was too late. I'm not sure how it is her fault at all for going off with someone else, and I actually think it is amazing that she loves me enough to want me as a friend. That is why I won't be cruel or filled with blame, or be anything else but kind to her during all of this. I know, though, that I can't handle friendship right now, and want to let her know that it is going to take a long time before I get there, while still allowing for the possibility of her being able to come back to me. Still looking for the best way to say all that given the strange circumstances. Thanks to all who wrote again! WOW. I don't even know where to start... there are so many things wrong with your actions and attitude. Im just going to give you my honest opinion here... 1. Taking the blame for her cheating on you. 2. Admiring her for wanting to be your friend 3. Allowing the possibility for her to come back to you after cheating. I know you are probably a bit blindsided by this breakup, that normal, but try to bear with me here in a logical way: 1. You need emotional boundaries... 2. You need to respect your dignity and you can by declining friendship 3. You need to realize that you cannot take her back under any circumstance. Cheating is pathological and shows lack of character: it will happen again. And put her off that goddamn pedestal, you make it seem like she's some pretty little angel, she cheated on you, and you thinks she's amazing? (WUT?) She does not deserve ANY respect. You have a long way to go here. Edited April 7, 2015 by NC-Thomas 4
Simon Phoenix Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I do take the blame for this one. I was very kind to her, and we supported each other a lot (no fighting ever), but due to my being hung up on a previous relationship that had ended a year before, I basically told her that I was still in love with someone else and didn't love her. I was blind to what I had in front of me until it was too late. I'm not sure how it is her fault at all for going off with someone else, and I actually think it is amazing that she loves me enough to want me as a friend. That is why I won't be cruel or filled with blame, or be anything else but kind to her during all of this. I know, though, that I can't handle friendship right now, and want to let her know that it is going to take a long time before I get there, while still allowing for the possibility of her being able to come back to me. Still looking for the best way to say all that given the strange circumstances. Thanks to all who wrote again! Dude, stop making excuses for another person's infidelity. If one of your friends wrote what you are writing you'd slap the piss out of them, and for good reason. Sorry man, this is some extreme mental gymnastics and goalpost-moving to keep her on a pedestal that she doesn't deserve to be on. I'm sure you weren't perfect, but you didn't deserve to be cheated on. You have to emerge from la-la land, man. 1
Author pasteurization Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 Maybe you can explain this to me-- I was in a relationship with her, but basically told her to her face that I was still in love with someone else and didn't love her. I was sleeping with her and treating her like my girlfriend since it was convenient for me. I was using her. I was a complete ass. She probably should have left long before, but she empathized and stuck with me and was kind, and stayed there to comfort me. When she finally came across someone who she had known for years, and who said (and apparently meant) that he loved her and wanted to be with her unconditionally, how do I blame her for taking him up on that? You seriously consider that cheating? And she didn't even sleep with him or agree to run off with him right then, but came back to me, explained the situation truthfully, and had a difficult time making a decision as to what to do. I don't consider it putting her on a pedestal to want to treat her with kindness given how I was toward her. But maybe it is true that I'm distorting this somehow. I'd really like to know what I'm missing here.
dvx Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Maybe you can explain this to me-- I was in a relationship with her, but basically told her to her face that I was still in love with someone else and didn't love her. I was sleeping with her and treating her like my girlfriend since it was convenient for me. I was using her. I was a complete ass. She probably should have left long before, but she empathized and stuck with me and was kind, and stayed there to comfort me. When she finally came across someone who she had known for years, and who said (and apparently meant) that he loved her and wanted to be with her unconditionally, how do I blame her for taking him up on that? You seriously consider that cheating? And she didn't even sleep with him or agree to run off with him right then, but came back to me, explained the situation truthfully, and had a difficult time making a decision as to what to do. I don't consider it putting her on a pedestal to want to treat her with kindness given how I was toward her. But maybe it is true that I'm distorting this somehow. I'd really like to know what I'm missing here. Stop making excuses for her cheating man. What you're missing here, is a pair of balls. No disrespect.
Author pasteurization Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 Stop making excuses for her cheating man. What you're missing here, is a pair of balls. No disrespect. Really? It would be easy to try to put the blame on her. It takes more balls to own up to the truth and admit that I was a complete jerk. I still don't understand how this could be called "cheating". 1
Simon Phoenix Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 Maybe you can explain this to me-- I was in a relationship with her, but basically told her to her face that I was still in love with someone else and didn't love her. I was sleeping with her and treating her like my girlfriend since it was convenient for me. I was using her. I was a complete ass. She probably should have left long before, but she empathized and stuck with me and was kind, and stayed there to comfort me. When she finally came across someone who she had known for years, and who said (and apparently meant) that he loved her and wanted to be with her unconditionally, how do I blame her for taking him up on that? You seriously consider that cheating? And she didn't even sleep with him or agree to run off with him right then, but came back to me, explained the situation truthfully, and had a difficult time making a decision as to what to do. I don't consider it putting her on a pedestal to want to treat her with kindness given how I was toward her. But maybe it is true that I'm distorting this somehow. I'd really like to know what I'm missing here. Yes. If you were in a relationship and she got with someone else in any sort of way, that's cheating. No offense dude, you sound like a complete spineless weakling right now. If she really wanted to be with the other guy, she should have told you first, then been with him second. Stop trying to look for validation for your lack of spine. You can be a jerk, but she's being a jerk too by not only cheating, but demanding to her new boyfriend that she can talk to her ex-boyfriend (you) whenever you want. You being a dick doesn't excuse her for being a dick. You're both dicks.
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