Kitkatleen24 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Does it even make sense? I've been dating him for a year. He said his feelings changed but he don't understand what changed. He still loves me but he don't feel the same anymore. We broke up a few days ago due to this but he came back because he can't leave me & he realised he needed me. Everything he said sounds like he still loves me. He's been working on it, I've been less needy (I'm super needy) and he have been still calling and talking to me everyday. I honestly don't get what it means. Did he fell out of love or just under stress? By the way, he is very very stressed up with his finals and work stuff. Along with flying across half the globe to meet me soon. We are in a ldr. I know what most People would say but I'm just confused on what does it mean? I've been slowly trying to "let it go" and what's meant to be will be. I'm not giving up this relationship just yet. So I would really want to understand what does it mean by feelings changes but still loves me? 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Does it even make sense? I've been dating him for a year. He said his feelings changed but he don't understand what changed. He still loves me but he don't feel the same anymore. We broke up a few days ago due to this but he came back because he can't leave me & he realised he needed me. Everything he said sounds like he still loves me. He's been working on it, I've been less needy (I'm super needy) and he have been still calling and talking to me everyday. I honestly don't get what it means. Did he fell out of love or just under stress? By the way, he is very very stressed up with his finals and work stuff. Along with flying across half the globe to meet me soon. We are in a ldr. I know what most People would say but I'm just confused on what does it mean? I've been slowly trying to "let it go" and what's meant to be will be. I'm not giving up this relationship just yet. So I would really want to understand what does it mean by feelings changes but still loves me? Do you really want a guy who doesn't want you? Because that's how it is. He probably realized he needed to use you until he could find someone else, and so he came crawling back begging for forgiveness. 1
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) Do you really want a guy who doesn't want you? Because that's how it is. He probably realized he needed to use you until he could find someone else, and so he came crawling back begging for forgiveness. ^^Oh I don't think that's what's happening. OP, he may be associating that "in love" feeling with the honeymoon period y'all experienced when you first met. That period is very romantic and blissful, but it doesn't last. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore... only that the love between you is different. Unfortunately, many people mistakenly believe that when that *honeymoon period* is over, they have fallen out of love! No...they haven't...their love is just different from those early stages..and actually deeper. Better! Long lasting..honest and beautiful! But still, some people really need that romantic *high* and when it subsides (which it ALWAYS does).. they become confused, disillusioned, think they have fallen out of love and as a result, want to end the whole thing!. Which would be so sad, because it's at *this* stage when you can TRULY begin to love each other, for better or for worse, the kind of love that keeps a couple together for years, or forever! Have him call me, I will explain it to him!!! Lol. Edited April 7, 2015 by katiegrl 3
Gary S Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 There are levels of love. When he was "in love" it was a high level, now it's lower. Sure, you could say he was in the honeymoon phase when he was "in love". The LDR probably has something to do with it. If you could change that, that could help. There also could be other contributing factors... breakups are not good either. But he's still with you, people vote with their feet there is still love there, so don't hit the panic button yet. 3
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I guess I jumped to an early conclusion, but I'd still be skeptical since I don't believe in LDR. 1
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 OP, I just read your original post again. Is he flying halfway around the globe to "meet" you? As in for the first time???? Have you not ever met this man in person before? Please clarify, as that would change my opinion significantly! 4
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 We haven't met, was due to at may. But I guess it's falling apart. I know exactly what's wrong. It's unreal. I've been trying to get out now. I just have to realise that it's over. The relationship have run it's course. He's distant. Yes I get it, it's not real. It's just hard. I'm giving it time till may. If he continues like this, I'm pulling the plug even if he needs me. 1
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Considering y'all have never even met, you can disregard my earlier post (no. 3)....it doesn't apply. Good luck.... 2
Gary S Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Yes, if you have never met, 200 love letters from a catfish mean nothing. You might discover within minutes of meeting that you are not attracted to him. We are strangers until we meet. 3
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Isn't dating actually going out with someone in person?? 1
smackie9 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 The honeymoon phase has come to an end. That's when reality sets in that this isn't working out. Also there is a possibility he has met someone locally that he likes, and is now confused as to what to do. LDR's don't work if there is no physical contact, to solidify the emotional connection. I'm afraid the novelty of this relationship has now worn off. It's at it's end. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 What I don't get is why people do LDR when they haven't even met? Desperation? 1
losangelena Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Or now that it's getting to be time to meet, he's getting second thoughts. OP, I'm just curious—how did you get into this relationship anyway? Going a full year never having met? How are you even sure you know him well? At all? Why not be with someone closer, someone you can be with and talk to and be physically near? 2
kendahke Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 What I don't get is why people do LDR when they haven't even met? Desperation? I don't think it's desperation at all. You begin talking to someone and things just go from there. I seriously doubt anyone but a catfish sets out to find someone they can't see in person within 1 hour. But within a reasonable time frame (like 1 month), you have to meet in person because the person you build them into isn't who they really are and only meeting them in person stops that. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 What he may actually be saying is that he wants and needs you . . . Meatloaf sang it "I want you, I need you but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you . . . And, really, how would he or you know if you two are so far apart and seeing each other so infrequently. His feelings have changed because the endorphin high has faded and reality has set in. 1
pictureperfectlife Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Does it even make sense? I've been dating him for a year. He said his feelings changed but he don't understand what changed. He still loves me but he don't feel the same anymore. We broke up a few days ago due to this but he came back because he can't leave me & he realised he needed me. Everything he said sounds like he still loves me. He's been working on it, I've been less needy (I'm super needy) and he have been still calling and talking to me everyday. I honestly don't get what it means. Did he fell out of love or just under stress? By the way, he is very very stressed up with his finals and work stuff. Along with flying across half the globe to meet me soon. We are in a ldr. I know what most People would say but I'm just confused on what does it mean? I've been slowly trying to "let it go" and what's meant to be will be. I'm not giving up this relationship just yet. So I would really want to understand what does it mean by feelings changes but still loves me? He's taking you for granted.Guys do that often.What you have to do now is stop initiating contact and show him that you don't need him.If he contacts, respond but don't initiate anything.Then he will realize the feelings he has for you.(Only know you love her when you let her go....) 1
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) I've been really struggling to let go. On some days when I pull back, he starts to come closer but the next day he's back to being cold.. I guess he is really taking me for granted. We still talk but the frequency is so much lesser. I tried to be loving, sometimes he reciprocate, sometimes he don't. It's hard going so long without meeting someone. We were finally gonna meet up and this happens. Obviously I didn't want a ldr, but I just happen to meet someone who clicks with me. Well anyway I don't blame him because when I look back, I realised I changed too. I lost myself. These few months have been really stressful for both of us and I've became a negative person. I think he just got sick of all my nonsense. I'm being honest about it here because I don't want everyone to think it's only his fault, it takes 2 hands to clap. Now that it's at the end, I can't do anything about it. I'm working on being a better person for myself, if it's meant to be, it will be. If not ill just take it as a lesson & it makes a stronger person. I admit feeling neglected and ****ty most of the time but I just can't leave him.. But I'll try to let it go slowly. I'm giving myself time till may and if he don't come, I'm pulling the plug as I can't go on dating a guy who won't even come to see me after a year... It's unreal as everyone said. I guess both of us formed an emotional bond but sometimes things can't go the way you want it to be. For now I'm trying to not expect anything. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. It's hard but I'm trying. He's been cold to me, usually I will make a big fuss & fight with him over it. But recently I've Been calm and told him it's ok. He told me he realised I'm changing for the better. We will just see. It's just another 3 weeks till may so I guess I'll just hold out for abit and see. P.s he's inexperienced and have never fell in love/have a crush on anyone before me. So that explains why he dont understand why his feelings changed. He said he understand that honeymoon phase doesn't last but I doubt he really do. We learn by experience. Edited April 7, 2015 by Kitkatleen24 Adding details 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 I've been really struggling to let go. On some days when I pull back, he starts to come closer but the next day he's back to being cold.. I guess he is really taking me for granted. We still talk but the frequency is so much lesser. I tried to be loving, sometimes he reciprocate, sometimes he don't. It's hard going so long without meeting someone. We were finally gonna meet up and this happens. Obviously I didn't want a ldr, but I just happen to meet someone who clicks with me. Well anyway I don't blame him because when I look back, I realised I changed too. I lost myself. These few months have been really stressful for both of us and I've became a negative person. I think he just got sick of all my nonsense. I'm being honest about it here because I don't want everyone to think it's only his fault, it takes 2 hands to clap. Now that it's at the end, I can't do anything about it. I'm working on being a better person for myself, if it's meant to be, it will be. If not ill just take it as a lesson & it makes a stronger person. I admit feeling neglected and ****ty most of the time but I just can't leave him.. But I'll try to let it go slowly. I'm giving myself time till may and if he don't come, I'm pulling the plug as I can't go on dating a guy who won't even come to see me after a year... It's unreal as everyone said. I guess both of us formed an emotional bond but sometimes things can't go the way you want it to be. For now I'm trying to not expect anything. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. It's hard but I'm trying. He's been cold to me, usually I will make a big fuss & fight with him over it. But recently I've Been calm and told him it's ok. He told me he realised I'm changing for the better. We will just see. It's just another 3 weeks till may so I guess I'll just hold out for abit and see. P.s he's inexperienced and have never fell in love/have a crush on anyone before me. So that explains why he dont understand why his feelings changed. He said he understand that honeymoon phase doesn't last but I doubt he really do. We learn by experience. If he's inexperienced, you could just be the first best thing that's happened to him and he's scared to let go. You guys haven't even met. 1
katiegrl Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 What he may actually be saying is that he wants and needs you . . . Meatloaf sang it "I want you, I need you but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you . . . And, really, how would he or you know if you two are so far apart and seeing each other so infrequently. His feelings have changed because the endorphin high has faded and reality has set in. Seeing each other infrequently? Lol, that's an understatement... as they have never even met! OP, you said in your original post you have been " dating" for a year? How does that work when you have never ever met. I mean, what kind of "dates" do you have? Phone dates...Skype dates? I am genuinely curious ... as I really don't know how you can develop such intense feelings for someone you have never met in person... 1
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted April 8, 2015 Author Posted April 8, 2015 It's hard to explain. You won't understand it till it happens to you i guess. So i've been pulling back. I went NC.. I guess i need to pull out before i sink in. It's too painful.
katiegrl Posted April 8, 2015 Posted April 8, 2015 It's hard to explain. You won't understand it till it happens to you i guess. So i've been pulling back. I went NC.. I guess i need to pull out before i sink in. It's too painful. It's hard to explain if you have phone dates and/or Skype dates? Lol. Never mind. Oh and no I probably won't ever understand it, as I would never even begin communicating with a man who lived halfway around the globe in the first place, let alone allow myself to get so emotionally involved with him that "breaking up" with such person would be this traumatic for me...as apparently it is for you. Lesson learned for next time though, right? Keep it local OR at least in the same country, and never wait longer than one month to meet. Good luck.
Author Kitkatleen24 Posted April 9, 2015 Author Posted April 9, 2015 Just to update. We broke off. He's never gonna love me. It's the end. It hurts me so much but I know there's nothing else I could do. He's cutting all contact with me which probably was for the best. 1 year worth of memories, so much time & effort spent but it ends up this way. Nonetheless, I'm hurt. I know it's a good lesson. Thank you everyone for the advice. I wouldn't be dating for a long time. And him? He have already started talking to new girls.
lovesick1 Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 (edited) I feel like I've seen this too often in my own life. Lack of honesty (on the male part) in some area leads to female issues of security which leads to male issues of needing space and the cycle is then self-perpetuating. For me at least, a male, I never recognized that it was my dishonesty on something fundamental to the relationship that lead to dishonesty manifesting itself in other areas which led to issues of trust. And you mentioned he has moved on and is talking to other girls. Been there done that. He felt too pressured by your need for trust affirmation and needyness and he went the other direction. The best thing to do in this situation is confront him that there are clear trust issues at hand, with one party or another, and work together and be completely honest in your discussion of where they are coming from. Usually if you can break down the first brick of dishonesty the problem will resolve itself very quickly. If he says he doesn't know why he doesn't feel the same anymore, he is lying to you but mostly lying to himself. He doesn't know, because he refuses to consider anything dishonest he did in the past as actually dishonest and refuses to recognize himself as maybe the one with the problem, despite you being needy. Women are different levels of needy, but it is often not unfounded as males often break early relationship trust in a hormone fueled rush to get the object of their desire. I can attest that we will go pretty far to attract and secure the attention of a female and sometimes we may be slightly dishonest, usually with ourselves. Rationalizing our desires for nabbing a girl without analyzing our deeper feelings and connection with you. Chances are he'll come back at some point I'd say. Not much you can do with him though, he sounds like a young me who wouldn't or couldn't listen deeply to anyone more knowledgeable than himself-- often a curse of younger adults I feel like. Edited April 9, 2015 by lovesick1 1
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2015 Posted April 9, 2015 I feel like I've seen this too often in my own life. Lack of honesty (on the male part) in some area leads to female issues of security which leads to male issues of needing space and the cycle is then self-perpetuating. For me at least, a male, I never recognized that it was my dishonesty on something fundamental to the relationship that lead to dishonesty manifesting itself in other areas which led to issues of trust. And you mentioned he has moved on and is talking to other girls. Been there done that. He felt too pressured by your need for trust affirmation and needyness and he went the other direction. The best thing to do in this situation is confront him that there are clear trust issues at hand, with one party or another, and work together and be completely honest in your discussion of where they are coming from. Usually if you can break down the first brick of dishonesty the problem will resolve itself very quickly. If he says he doesn't know why he doesn't feel the same anymore, he is lying to you but mostly lying to himself. He doesn't know, because he refuses to consider anything dishonest he did in the past as actually dishonest and refuses to recognize himself as maybe the one with the problem, despite you being needy. Women are different levels of needy, but it is often not unfounded as males often break early relationship trust in a hormone fueled rush to get the object of their desire. I can attest that we will go pretty far to attract and secure the attention of a female and sometimes we may be slightly dishonest, usually with ourselves. Rationalizing our desires for nabbing a girl without analyzing our deeper feelings and connection with you. Chances are he'll come back at some point I'd say. Not much you can do with him though, he sounds like a young me who wouldn't or couldn't listen deeply to anyone more knowledgeable than himself-- often a curse of younger adults I feel like. Great response...and if what the OP had with this bozo was a real relationship I would even suggest she follow it. But she had never even met the guy; there was *no* relationship. They were pen pals for a year..at most. OP, sorry you had to learn this the hard way, but lesson learned. 1
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