juanito14 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I’m not really sure what to do. My girlfriend and I have dated for almost 9 months now and we have had our good and bad moments, just like most couples. We have always worked it out though when it came to it. The biggest problem is her life at home and the amount of time she has to spend with me. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 months, and it’s not even because she doesn’t want to, its simply because we haven’t been able to just hang out in a situation where that was a possibility for the last 2 months. I hadn’t even seen her in person for two weeks until finally today where I went to school with her. We were both really happy to see each other, but on the way home we finally talked about it. She made it seem like things will not change anytime soon, with how busy she is with school, but more importantly how locked up she is with her parents. She is 25 and her dad still wants to know exactly what she is doing. We have been dating for a little while now and I am still a secret to her family. She actually made me duck one time when I was in the car with her because she saw her dad about to drive past. She told me that either I have to be patient and see where things go or end it. She knows I don’t deserve this and I should find someone who can spend time with me, but that’s not what I want. As a person she is perfect to me. There is no one else I would rather be with, but as far as the situation goes, its really hard on me sometimes when I cant even invite her to my birthday dinner or my graduation because I already know the answer is no. I want to make it clear to you guys reading that I do want to be with her and I can be a very patient guy, but I’m in a place where I’m trying to decide if its worth it. Shes supposed to graduate this spring too, but she is looking at research positions that will keep her busy for a year, and her family doesn’t really let her out at night. When I think about being in a relationship, I only stay as long as there isn’t an end game, being breaking up. I truly do see her as being someone who I can live my life with, the problem is making it to the point where we are able to actually live our lives together. She is 25 and still hasn’t slept over or anything like that. What questions do I need to answer for myself in order to know if this is something I want or not? I don’t want to end things just because the situation is tough when things will eventually get better, but I want to be realistic about it. She left upset and sad today and we haven’t talked since. I don’t think we will end up talking until later tonight. What should I do if I want to stay? What should I tell her? Obviously, if I decide to leave I know what to say, but how do I comfort her? She told me she knew it was only a matter of time for me to get tired of this.
Ani Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Don't do what I did and let yourself be hidden from your gf's family for a long period. In my case, I was hidden from her family for 4 years. We broke up but never having met her family, seeing her sister grow up from afar and not getting to even say hi to her. I loved them as much as I loved my family, I loved her sister so much and yet never..said hi to her in person. Out of the relationship, that's the one thing that hurts the most after the breakup. Having been hidden as you were something terrible rather than a good thing.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 A 9 month relationship without sex for 2 months isn't a relationship. I'd get some **** straightened out with her ASAP. 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I don't think this something that we can decide, But I do believe it's bullcrap she's forcing you to hide. She should be able to lean on you, not her parents, for that stability, She should trust in your relationship to bring her that tranquility. Do you want to be with her? Is there something you can do? Can you prove to her parents that you're trustworthy and not a fool? Is she willing to try to address her controlling family and their views? Is it possible to slowly adapt and compromise her family's rules too? You are at a crossroads, but do not make a hasty choice, It's often very sad when you do not have a voice, To be or not to be, that's a famous line you should know. It's not the first time a man has had to decide when to stay and when to go. 2
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I don't think this something that we can decide, But I do believe it's bullcrap she's forcing you to hide. She should be able to lean on you, not her parents, for that stability, She should trust in your relationship to bring her that tranquility. Do you want to be with her? Is there something you can do? Can you prove to her parents that you're trustworthy and not a fool? Is she willing to try to address her controlling family and their views? Is it possible to slowly adapt and compromise her family's rules too? You are at a crossroads, but do not make a hasty choice, It's often very sad when you do not have a voice, To be or not to be, that's a famous line you should know. It's not the first time a man has had to decide when to stay and when to go. You crank these rhymes out pretty quick, I'm impressed. 2
Author juanito14 Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 In her words, if her family was to find out about me now, she would be locked up and we wouldn't be able to see each other ever. In a way, I'm okay with waiting for her to be comfortable when the time is right, but what worries me is if the time will ever be right with her. I love this girl and I do want to find a way to make it work, I just don't want to be made out to be a fool in the end and find out I never had a chance. 1
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 In her words, if her family was to find out about me now, she would be locked up and we wouldn't be able to see each other ever. In a way, I'm okay with waiting for her to be comfortable when the time is right, but what worries me is if the time will ever be right with her. I love this girl and I do want to find a way to make it work, I just don't want to be made out to be a fool in the end and find out I never had a chance. Think ahead for a second, what if it doesn't work out? Even if you look the fool, who cares, you still had a good time when she was around. She may love you deeply, but her family upbringing wasn't the same, That is not a reason, if this ends like that, to hang your head in shame. 1
Ani Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 In her words, if her family was to find out about me now, she would be locked up and we wouldn't be able to see each other ever. In a way, I'm okay with waiting for her to be comfortable when the time is right, but what worries me is if the time will ever be right with her. I love this girl and I do want to find a way to make it work, I just don't want to be made out to be a fool in the end and find out I never had a chance. I was here for 4 ****ING YEARS. If it doesn't work out this will be the most painful aspect of the breakup.
Gary S Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I'm sorry, but that's one messed up relationship. ya can't see the parents but you can't elope... but wait, you can't even see the girlfriend regularly.
No_Go Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I'm sorry, but that's one messed up relationship. ya can't see the parents but you can't elope... but wait, you can't even see the girlfriend regularly. It is not necessarily related to him at all. I'm an example for someone that keeps their private life away from their family. My family was highly disfunctional and somehow I never grew up sharing with them. Maybe OP's girlfriend has a similar situation. Two of them should just talk to avoid misunderstandings. Btw in LDRs for example couples survive way longer periods without seeing each other, so why should their relationship break over it?
kendahke Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 You need to quit indulging this fantasy of what a wonderful life you and she would have and look at what's in front of you: you are an inconvenient option to her. Look at what she is doing: she is actively hiding you from her family; she makes you hide in order to not upset her father; she is busy with her activities and schooling. She doesn't have time--not only that, but she is not making either time or room in her life for you and she's using her father as her excuse. You can want what you want til times get better, but it's not going to change HER volition to make you a larger part of her life. THAT is the problem that no amount of love and fawning on your part will overcome. You need to face some facts here. She's already resigned that the relationship will end eventually because of things she's not going to change.
Gary S Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Btw in LDRs for example couples survive way longer periods without seeing each other, so why should their relationship break over it? - only one in 1,000 LTR's work out.
No_Go Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 - only one in 1,000 LTR's work out. I thought so too until I saw ~30% of the people around me in LDR's, ~50% of them stayed together. For the record: my ex started a LDR with a woman in another country, visiting her once in two weeks, got her pregnant in ~15 months from the 1st meet and then she moved in with him and ended the LDR. I was sure this is just a rebound and as it was an LDR it would never work but..
No_Go Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Maybe she just doesn't know how to handle her situation and that is why she's avoiding frequent contact. I don't see a conspiracy behind her behavior. Things may change for good if she moves out of her parents', which I guess will happen sooner than later since she's already 25.. You need to quit indulging this fantasy of what a wonderful life you and she would have and look at what's in front of you: you are an inconvenient option to her. Look at what she is doing: she is actively hiding you from her family; she makes you hide in order to not upset her father; she is busy with her activities and schooling. She doesn't have time--not only that, but she is not making either time or room in her life for you and she's using her father as her excuse. You can want what you want til times get better, but it's not going to change HER volition to make you a larger part of her life. THAT is the problem that no amount of love and fawning on your part will overcome. You need to face some facts here. She's already resigned that the relationship will end eventually because of things she's not going to change.
bubbaganoosh Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 What makes you think it will get any better. She's 25 and lets herself be treated like a child, her parents control everything in her life and if this goes from boy friend/ girl friend to something more serious your still going to be dealing with this situation. If it's me and I have to duck and hide when he parents com wheeling by then I let her know that it's time for her to grow up, get help and once she does come see you and if your not involved with someone normal, you can try again but friend, this girl comes as a package deal and if you marry her, bet the house you will never have top billing. She has big time issues, their right in front of you and your choosing to turn a blind eye to it. Then you'll get what you deserve.
Redhead14 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Maybe she just doesn't know how to handle her situation and that is why she's avoiding frequent contact. I don't see a conspiracy behind her behavior. Things may change for good if she moves out of her parents', which I guess will happen sooner than later since she's already 25.. This is typical "avoidant" behavior. It suggests an inability to deal with difficult situations head on. Also suggests "dependency" on a relationship where the OP will be doing all the work because she is unable to communicate effectively and lacks assertiveness.
BlueIris Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 ….. What questions do I need to answer for myself in order to know if this is something I want or not? I don’t want to end things just because the situation is tough when things will eventually get better, but I want to be realistic about it. She left upset and sad today and we haven’t talked since. I don’t think we will end up talking until later tonight. What should I do if I want to stay? What should I tell her? Obviously, if I decide to leave I know what to say, but how do I comfort her? She told me she knew it was only a matter of time for me to get tired of this. I’d tell her that you need to meet her family and start spending some time with them. If you two were to get married one day, you would both have to deal with each other’s families. You won’t know enough to decide if she’s the right person for you and your life until you know them and how she interacts with them. She should also meet and start interacting with your family, for the same reasons.
No_Go Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) Aren't these learnable skills? She's still early in her life. Maybe I'm taking it personally but isn't unfair that if someone didn't have much luck with their family to be rejected by future/current partners because of that (s.th. that entirely do not depend on them - e.g. OP's gf hasn't chosen her controlling father ...)? This is typical "avoidant" behavior. It suggests an inability to deal with difficult situations head on. Also suggests "dependency" on a relationship where the OP will be doing all the work because she is unable to communicate effectively and lacks assertiveness. Edited April 7, 2015 by No_Go
Redhead14 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Aren't these learnable skills? She's still early in her life. Maybe I'm taking it personally but isn't unfair that if someone didn't have much luck with their family to be rejected by future/current partners because of that (s.th. that entirely do not depend on them - e.g. OP's gf hasn't chosen her controlling father ...)? They are learnable skills. It is whether or not the potential partner has the skills and patience to help her learn them. It is a difficult task to be a teacher/parent to an adult. It's still all about the fact that there is someone for everyone. If a person has difficulties to overcome, the right person will be able to work "with" them. My comments are not necessarily about dropping her as much as they are giving a heads up to possible communications and conflict resolution issues and to let him know he will need some patience. I guess I should have gone into some detail about how to approach it. And, please don't take anything on these boards personally Millions of people have had dysfunctional family histories and have grown to be strong, successful people with loving relationships and deserve them. 1
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