edelweiss Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) I've been seeing my current boyfriend for nearly six months now, and it's gotten to the point where I can't really keep my own life on its own tracks. In the past...almost two weeks...I've slept at my own place two, maybe three, times. All of the other nights have been spent at his place, and the days at work. I work, we go out to dinner/go out with mutual friends/come home, hang out, sleep, repeat. Very little of my life seems to spent apart from him. Even then, we have a sort of unspoken mutual understanding that the odd day and night or two that we don't spend around each other is arbitrary "space" that we grant each other to regroup. That's about it. A few weeks ago he got a copy of the key made, thank goodness. Over the course of the last month or two, we've also come to a mutual understanding where any time he needs groceries, we go grocery shopping together. Just is what it is. Every week we do a big ol grocery trip and spend the rest of the week eating meals together, doing dishes, et cetera. Normal house stuff. But it's done as a pair. So here's how it's weird for me. We both have full time jobs, his a little steadier than mine (I work retail), and we both have our places. Just so happens I'm spending anywhere from 50-70% of my time at his place any given time of the week. Or, I should say, between my job and everything else, I spend hardly any time at my abode/in my part of town. Here's the problem: My gym is a bit of a jaunt from his house, and so I've not been going very consistently any more. My eating habits have gotten insane because I can't really buy groceries any more (The kind I like i.e. produce and perishables) because they'll go bad in the span of time I'm not spending at my own home to cook/eat them. Half of my wardrobe has found its way into my car because I end up needing a dozen changes of clothing every week, and I can't be driving 20 minutes here to there and back to get it! Obvious solution? "OH well if you two spend so much time together, why don't you just live together?" Answer: He got out of a long marriage and I got out of a long relationship (for both of us being in our twenties) about a year prior to us dating, and we're each other's longest relationship since then. I don't know that we've fully opened up to each other, despite spending so much time with each other. Neither of us have had a "What do we want out of this?" talk because we're just trying to go with the good thing we have. Yes, we love each other, yes we spend all of our time together...and yes, it's become a damn inconvenience to me. But what's there to be done about it? Albeit, he did mention the other day when we went to our friends' for easter that he's going to have to buy a bigger bed between him, the dog, and me -- haha? Feedback? Please? Agh. tldr; Spend exorbitant amount of time at the bf's place, and my life has become a little helter skelter because of it. It'd probably be easier at this point if we just lived with each other, but I don't really think we're at that place in our relationship for that to be brought up. What's a girl to do. Edited April 7, 2015 by edelweiss Adding clif notes
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I've been seeing my current boyfriend for nearly six months now, and it's gotten to the point where I can't really keep my own life on its own tracks. In the past...almost two weeks...I've slept at my own place two, maybe three, times. All of the other nights have been spent at his place, and the days at work. I work, we go out to dinner/go out with mutual friends/come home, hang out, sleep, repeat. Very little of my life seems to spent apart from him. Even then, we have a sort of unspoken mutual understanding that the odd day and night or two that we don't spend around each other is arbitrary "space" that we grant each other to regroup. That's about it. A few weeks ago he got a copy of the key made, thank goodness. Over the course of the last month or two, we've also come to a mutual understanding where any time he needs groceries, we go grocery shopping together. Just is what it is. Every week we do a big ol grocery trip and spend the rest of the week eating meals together, doing dishes, et cetera. Normal house stuff. But it's done as a pair. So here's how it's weird for me. We both have full time jobs, his a little steadier than mine (I work retail), and we both have our places. Just so happens I'm spending anywhere from 50-70% of my time at his place any given time of the week. Or, I should say, between my job and everything else, I spend hardly any time at my abode/in my part of town. Here's the problem: My gym is a bit of a jaunt from his house, and so I've not been going very consistently any more. My eating habits have gotten insane because I can't really buy groceries any more (The kind I like i.e. produce and perishables) because they'll go bad in the span of time I'm not spending at my own home to cook/eat them. Half of my wardrobe has found its way into my car because I end up needing a dozen changes of clothing every week, and I can't be driving 20 minutes here to there and back to get it! Obvious solution? "OH well if you two spend so much time together, why don't you just live together?" Answer: He got out of a long marriage and I got out of a long relationship (for both of us being in our twenties) about a year prior to us dating, and we're each other's longest relationship since then. I don't know that we've fully opened up to each other, despite spending so much time with each other. Neither of us have had a "What do we want out of this?" talk because we're just trying to go with the good thing we have. Yes, we love each other, yes we spend all of our time together...and yes, it's become a damn inconvenience to me. But what's there to be done about it? Albeit, he did mention the other day when we went to our friends' for easter that he's going to have to buy a bigger bed between him, the dog, and me -- haha? Feedback? Please? Agh. tldr; Spend exorbitant amount of time at the bf's place, and my life has become a little helter skelter because of it. It'd probably be easier at this point if we just lived with each other, but I don't really think we're at that place in our relationship for that to be brought up. What's a girl to do. Break up with him!!! Haha..just kidding..... In all seriousness though, the obvious answer is tell HIM what you just told us... and discuss designating two nights per week as "me" time... Frankly, not sure why you haven't done that already! Seems pretty simple... I mean it's not like he's holding a gun to your head every night ..... is he? 1
Author edelweiss Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Break up with him!!! Haha..just kidding..... In all seriousness though, the obvious answer is tell HIM what you just told us... and discuss designating two nights per week as "me" time... Frankly, not sure why you haven't done that already! Seems pretty simple... I mean it's not like he's holding a gun to your head every night ..... is he? It's not so much that I want certain amounts of time to myself, necessarily. And we've talked about that. We've talked about not wanting to crowd each other, and always piping up when we want "me" time. None of that is the issue. My daily routine is the issue! I can't go to the gym before work (10am) when I'm a 30 minute drive from my gym. Can't be eating normal meals when I can't anticipate when I'll be at my house for breakfast, or at my house to get stuff from my fridge for lunch. Know what I'm saying? Not my nights I miss. He can have every night he wants. But my days have become a bit jumbled, because I'm never near *my* house to do what I gotta do. Lol
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 It's not so much that I want certain amounts of time to myself, necessarily. And we've talked about that. We've talked about not wanting to crowd each other, and always piping up when we want "me" time. None of that is the issue. My daily routine is the issue! I can't go to the gym before work (10am) when I'm a 30 minute drive from my gym. Can't be eating normal meals when I can't anticipate when I'll be at my house for breakfast, or at my house to get stuff from my fridge for lunch. Know what I'm saying? Not my nights I miss. He can have every night he wants. But my days have become a bit jumbled, because I'm never near *my* house to do what I gotta do. Lol How about moving a bit closer to where he lives? Do you have a lease?
Gary S Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Ah, being in love. It sounds like a good problem to have!
beach Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Why do t you spend time more to yourself? Be at your own place during the week. Get settled. Buy your own groceries. Go to the gym. Stay organized. Then let him ask you OUT on a date for the weekend. Even during the week. He can make effort to date you. You've moved in and are acting married and have left your single like in chaos. I don't recommend it. I speak from experience. Wouldn't you like it if he made effort to act like he's dating you? 1
Stillits Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 If you go grocery shopping together, why can't you buy this normal food (that you mention) with him? Is he eating a completely different diet? Can't you compromise on that? And the gym.. If it's such a big issue, I'd just look into switching to a gym located closer to your work so you can go there on the way to work or after work. 1
DivorcedDad123 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 My gf and I split the time at each others homes. That allows us to get our own things done that need doing, like dishes, laundry, grass cutting, bills, etc. We just help each other out when we're together. We still have to go back to our homes maybe once per day for a short wgile and we live 30 minutes apart. Him spending half of the time at your place may be something you need to think about, so that you can still perform your own duties to yourself.
Diezel Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Obvious solution: TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. You're spending this much time together and it's affecting you, why not tell him what's going on, instead of assuming that the next logical step is moving in together. Maybe he comes to your place a few more times. Maybe you join a gym that's closer. Maybe you move to a place closer to him or vice versa. But you can't decide on any of these things until you actually talk to him other than waiting for a key to be made. It seems like you've done more thinking about this than actual talking. You even admit you two haven't been open about things. Maybe try THAT first.
Mrin Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I can't help but read this and think the dating equivalent of "first world problem". Just have a mature conversation. Not to sound snarky but this sounds so NeverMarriedNoKids. Your lives are not that complicated and not that full that you can't find a relatively easy way to make this work. We are humans are like gold fish - we grow to the size of our percieved tanks. Nothing wrong with that. Ideas: get some closet and drawer space at his place. Meal plan together (which it sounds like you already do to some extent) and split the cooking duties. The scary part of moving in isnt the moving in part - is the moving out part - the relinquishing of your place. So don't do it. Just make it a little easier and routine to be at his. Best of luck you two. And please overlook any "you should try that when you have kids" condescension on my part. ;-) 1
BluEyeL Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 You should sit down and discuss how can you be more organized. I do have a somewhat similar problem. It's normal to need adjustments when you merge two lives. I think you two just need a bit better planning.
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