TheSquidgster Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Me and my gf have been together for a little over a year now. She had a husband whom she split with, and as her friend I helped her through that. When I then split with the mother of my children, she supported me. This led to a lot of conversation, and in turn led to us establishing a great relationship - her family welcomed me with open arms, my mum told us she was happy to have her son back to his usual self, things seemed great. We moved in together about 9 months ago, and I have my kids every other weekend. But this is where things seem strange. Every now and then she used to get very distant. We'd acknowledge that, rekindle the flame and everything was great. Then about a month ago, she tells me she's not 100% happy with how the dynamic of the relationship has panned out. I agree that its not perfect, we spent a perfect sunday together and things seemed to be back on track. Then, 2 days ago, the exact same thing. Except this time, her wording is that she's not sure if she has the energy to fight for the relationship anymore after all she seems to do is work, come home, cook dinner and sleep next to me. This culminated in her asking for some time, roughly a week, to try to clear her head. She's staying with her parents, and when I bumped into them at the store today, I got a loving embrace from her mother and an awkward attempt at conversation from her. I've had to stay with my family as I don't want to be in our home without her there. She's agreed to meet me at our home for dinner tomorrow night, which is a small mercy as I've never felt so alone or distraught in my entire life. I guess I'm posting this to get an outsiders perspective - I think we can fix this, but i dont know if I'm being unrealistic. Any input is appreciated.
hunk Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 This is obviously not what you want to hear, but it sounds like it's over, and that it has been for quite a while. This week has been a way for her to come to terms with what she's going to tell you and how she's going to end things with you. "Breaks" are usually just a drawn out way of dumping someone. I really, REALLY doubt this meeting is going to end up in you two back together, and therefore you need to start preparing yourself. That loving embrace from her mother is a red flag. She probably already knows what's heading your way. If I were you, I might even take the initiative here and tell her "look, I'm not sure dinner is the best idea, I think we should both do our own thing because this isn't working and we both know it." You need to step up here and be assertive, your relationship sounds like it fell into a rut of passive routine. In here eyes it's dead, the feelings for you are gone, but if you can at least take some initiative in how things end there might be hope for things in the future. I personally think just sitting there and listening to her dump you, begging for her back and promising to change, af is the absolute worst thing you could possibly do. The dynamic she's talking about is one where it's completely imbalanced and she is essentially the shot caller because you allow her to (by putting up with her) getting into these distant "moods". You shouldn't be tolerating that, at any stage of the relationship. Call her up now and end it. I know you won't, but in a few weeks/months you'll wish you did.. At least this will save you some heartache and time. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve a relationship with a woman who makes you question how she feels about you on a regular basis. Good luck 1
BlackbirdSong Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I agree with hunk. Be proactive and drop her before she drops you. It's always better being the dumper. You'll see. 1
dvx Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I started to get this sign a couple weeks before she broke up. So it's not a good sign. 1
Author TheSquidgster Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Thank you for your responses. Hunk, I wont call her to end it, if I'm gonna be the one to end it it'll be face to face so she can look me in the eyes. Having said that, I've looked around the rest of the forums, and I think I have a plan of action. I've gone to some decent effort getting everything up together for dinner tomorrow to cook a dish we both like. So yeah, I'm gonna cook it. And then after dinner, I'll suggest NC. See what her reaction is. I have my kids this coming weekend, so when I've dropped them off on the sunday evening I'll ask her to come over, see if she's had any emotional development in the NC time. And if she's still unsure, then I have my answer and things will be back in my control. I think this is the best chance I have of reconciliation, but I am prepared for the eventuality that there won't be a future.
dvx Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Thank you for your responses. Hunk, I wont call her to end it, if I'm gonna be the one to end it it'll be face to face so she can look me in the eyes. Having said that, I've looked around the rest of the forums, and I think I have a plan of action. I've gone to some decent effort getting everything up together for dinner tomorrow to cook a dish we both like. So yeah, I'm gonna cook it. And then after dinner, I'll suggest NC. See what her reaction is. I have my kids this coming weekend, so when I've dropped them off on the sunday evening I'll ask her to come over, see if she's had any emotional development in the NC time. And if she's still unsure, then I have my answer and things will be back in my control. I think this is the best chance I have of reconciliation, but I am prepared for the eventuality that there won't be a future. NC is not something you suggest lol. What's the point in being in NC if she knows why you are doing it? 1
hunk Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Why are you cooking her dinner? Why are you going to ANY effort? YOU haven't done anything here man, the relationship is where it's at because of her behavior. You are just emasculating yourself - come on bro, cooking her DINNER? She's indefinitely going to break up with you and you want to cook her a nice meal? I know in your eyes this looks like a mature, level headed and assertive thing to do, and i get that and respect that, but to her it will just look pathetic. You're digging your own grave. I respect you have a plan but please understand i'm giving you this advice objectively and right now your mind is an irrational swirling mess, whether you think it is or not. Don't suggest NC. Just do it for yourself. You have to show her you're the one done with this, you're not sitting around waiting anymore and you're sick of uncertainty. You need to show your backbone and masculinity, and you CAN do this through proactively walking away from her in an "i'm over this, it isn't working, good luck with everything" detached and collected manner and going into complete NC. I'm not trying to sound patronizing or anything, i'm just trying to shake you up and prepare you for what is actually happening. You obviously want to make things work, and in order for this to happen you gotta recognize what's happened to the dynamic of this relationship. I'm so confident if you just ghost on her things will turn out differently later along the line, compared to if you meet up with her on her terms, cooking her dinner, SUGGESTING NC to her, like a lamb being led to the slaughter. 2
Author TheSquidgster Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 As in, she's asked for time to clear her head. So I'll tell her I won't be contacting her, I won't be answering her contact, and that that's what she wanted so that's what I'll give her. She is my everything, but by the same token I refuse to be pulled at or left as a back up plan. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 As a woman, I must say, please listen to these guys! Don`t cook her dinner and don`t sit there and let her dump you! Stand up for yourself!! And don`t tell someone you`re not going to contact them and you don`t want them to contact you. I think you`ll regret saying that too, especially if you don`t follow through. 3
hunk Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I'll tell you one more time that the result you desire is only potentially achievable through proactively grabbing your balls, reaffirming to yourself that they are in fact part of your biology, and ending the relationship as a means of 1. freeing yourself from this unfair emotional stress and uncertainty you're getting from her, and most importantly; 2. shaking up the dynamic of it for something to possibly come about in the FUTURE. This means showing her that you can make serious decisions, you are thinking about yourself, and she can't walk all over you. Her needs don't matter anymore. That's basically all i'll say about it anymore. If you still don't understand why i'm saying any of this then i'll leave you to your own devices and wish you good luck. Whatever happens please initiate NC ASAP. 2
Friskyone4u Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 This wanting space that she keeps telling you is code speak for there is another man on the horizon that you don't know about. The space is to still keep you on speaking terms so that you can be Plan B in while she tries out her new relationship. She is "checked out" . You need to detach and accept what her actions are screaming at you HUNK told it to you correctly
Diezel Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Having said that, I've looked around the rest of the forums, and I think I have a plan of action. I've gone to some decent effort getting everything up together for dinner tomorrow to cook a dish we both like. So yeah, I'm gonna cook it. And then after dinner, I'll suggest NC. See what her reaction is. I have my kids this coming weekend, so when I've dropped them off on the sunday evening I'll ask her to come over, see if she's had any emotional development in the NC time. And if she's still unsure, then I have my answer and things will be back in my control. I think this is the best chance I have of reconciliation, but I am prepared for the eventuality that there won't be a future. I just wanted to say, this is a terrible plan and it WILL blow up in your face. But, you probably are going to do it anyway. You want control in a situation where the only way you gain control is simply by walking away from it 100% and nothing else. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Look, Squidgester. Time apart is not what fixes relationships. Time to clear her head is not what she needs if she wants to make things work out. Relationship issues are fixed by communication. Not by time apart! I agree with Diezel, this is a terrible plan. You say you've read around the forum to come up with this plan?? Well I'm not sure which bits you're read, but I've never ever seen anything on here that suggests your plan is a good one. Eating dinner together then having a "chat" is a bad idea, for a start. What are you going to talk about over dinner? The weather? Do you really think you're going to both enjoy a meal together with all that stress building up in your head, before retiring to the lounge to discuss your relationship? No, that is simply not going to happen. And what's this stuff about "suggesting" NC? You do not suggest NC, you just do it. And you don't do it to give her time to clear her head, you do it for yourself. So yeah, I think your plan is a very bad idea on almost all levels. Here's a better plan. Tell her that you aren't feeling up to having dinner and pretending everything is OK. Tell her that you want to fix the relationship and if she does too then you'd love to talk to her. In or out. Don't let her mess you around. She doesn't need time, she's had plenty. 4
oldshirt Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Typically "breaks" mean there is someone else they want to try on for size to see if that is going to work out or not before cutting the strings to their previous relationship. If you want to have a relationship with this gal you pretty much have to give her an all-in or all-out ultimatum. Either she wants to be in the relationship in which case she commits 100% to making it work and being together. Or she doesn't, in which case you make a clean break and move on with your life. Don't accept any gray area in between because otherwise all you will be doing is sitting on the shelf in reserve waiting for her to come back to you as her back up plan while she goes out with other dudes. You may even want to do a little of your investigation to see if she is already seeing someone else. Don't just ask her, she will simply say no. Do some digging around on your own and when you come across the other guy, then you decide if that is a deal breaker or not and if it is, then don't waste your time discussing anything other than the nuts and bolts of getting your stuff back deciding who is going to pay what bill and who keeps what. I am sorry but there is a 99% this is all over. 1
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Then about a month ago, she tells me she's not 100% happy with how the dynamic of the relationship has panned out. I agree that its not perfect, we spent a perfect sunday together and things seemed to be back on track. Then, 2 days ago, the exact same thing. Except this time, her wording is that she's not sure if she has the energy to fight for the relationship anymore after all she seems to do is work, come home, cook dinner and sleep next to me. This culminated in her asking for some time, roughly a week, to try to clear her head. # What "dynamic" is she speaking about? "all she seems to do is work, come home, cook dinner and sleep next to me" - this is the issue. It is boring her to death. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I've been on the other side of this, being the one to suggest the "break", and I have to agree, it's over. For me, I felt such relief at being away from my relationship that there was no way that I was going back. And based on what she said, about how she doesn't have the energy to fight for the relationship, she's checked out. If one partner doesn't want to even try to make the relationship work, there is no relationship anymore. The "break" ploy is just an easy way to let you down, keep you as Plan B for a little bit until she confirms that she does indeed want to end it. I'm not convinced it means there's another guy in the picture, but she does want to end it. I'd scrap the dinner too. It's not going to make any difference in her decision. I'm with PegNosePete, tell her you know there are problems and flat out ask her what she wants to do. Time to piss or get off the pot. Dragging this out isn't good for either of you. 4
lolablue17 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I agree with everybody - Your plan is bad. But I suggest that you fulfill The NC part of you plan - Immediately! No more words. Don't let her know your plans, your thoughts, your desires, and your daily life. If you already set the dinner, call it off with a polite message with no explanations. Just something like "I can't make it to dinner tommorow, sorry. maybe some other time". That's it! She wanted space - give her all the space in the world - Disappear! If she want's you back, she'll have to make some serious efforts. 1
lauri Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Its over dude. Please please please cancel. Tell her you've given everything some thought and that its over...you aren't willing to be with someone who won't try. Trust me dude, there is so many regular signs here that doesn't make your situation unique at all. Why are you even doing dinner with her? What has she done to deserve it? Cancel those plans and cut her off. Forget all the good times you two had - that person she was is dead to you now. Now expect a cold, distant woman who has no intention of being with you. Walk away while you can. 1
Holmes85 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 The Squidster, You mentioned something very important in your first paragraph and also probably overlooked it due to being blinded by love (Can't blame you, it happens to the best of us). Me and my gf have been together for a little over a year now. She had a husband whom she split with, and as her friend I helped her through that. When I then split with the mother of my children, she supported me. This led to a lot of conversation, and in turn led to us establishing a great relationship - her family welcomed me with open arms, my mum told us she was happy to have her son back to his usual self, things seemed great. We moved in together about 9 months ago, and I have my kids every other weekend. But this is where things seem strange. You were her REBOUND. You provided her a gentle landing as a "friend" and made her feel good about herself, it took her 9 months to get her self esteem and confidence back, during this time since you were being this awesome helping friend, she returned the favor to you. Since you were also interested in pursuing a relationship with her, she gave you what you asked for to fit her own needs for the time being. Every now and then she used to get very distant. We'd acknowledge that, rekindle the flame and everything was great. Then about a month ago, she tells me she's not 100% happy with how the dynamic of the relationship has panned out. I agree that its not perfect, we spent a perfect sunday together and things seemed to be back on track. Then, 2 days ago, the exact same thing. Except this time, her wording is that she's not sure if she has the energy to fight for the relationship anymore after all she seems to do is work, come home, cook dinner and sleep next to me. This culminated in her asking for some time, roughly a week, to try to clear her head. Translation to the highlighted sentence : I think I have my self esteem back now, thank you so much for being such a wonderful guy and providing me with a soft landing. Since I am back to my old self, I think I am gonna find something that suits my tastes better, but hey that doesn't mean I don't like you, I do, but just in a friendly way (; She's staying with her parents, and when I bumped into them at the store today, I got a loving embrace from her mother and an awkward attempt at conversation from her. I've had to stay with my family as I don't want to be in our home without her there. She's agreed to meet me at our home for dinner tomorrow night, which is a small mercy as I've never felt so alone or distraught in my entire life. She's just being nice. If I were you, I would have probably cancelled the dinner and gave her exactly what she asked for "space" and give her lots of it and carry on with my life like I used to. I guess I'm posting this to get an outsiders perspective - I think we can fix this, but i dont know if I'm being unrealistic. Any input is appreciated.Dude you fixed her and look what she did in return, she broke you. That's not someone who appreciates you or loves you, that someone who uses people to get themselves back on track. I personally would give her space for a lifetime. Once you are out of your emotional state, you'll see everything more clearly, till then I would recommend you to go NC on her, not in hopes to get her back, but for yourself, improve the quality of your life and trust me you can find way better than this, by the time she realizes that she has made a mistake and her ship is sinking, you would care less about her and probably wave at her with a smile on your face as your ship passes through hers. 1
KatZee Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 This wanting space that she keeps telling you is code speak for there is another man on the horizon that you don't know about. I'd have to agree. I did what OP's (almost)ex-girlfriend is doing. I was with this guy for about two years a number of years ago. And although he was a nice enough guy, there was just no spark in the relationship. I, too, felt smothered, bored, and two times in the relationship I asked "for space." It wasn't space to determine if I wanted to be with him or not, I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore. My request for "space" was to just get away from him at that point. He had basically moved into my apartment and he was just always there, I had no room to move, or breathe. This was when I was younger so I didn't go about it the right way, but I had a TON of guilt about dumping him and that's why it dragged out as long as it did. He tried so hard. I just felt no romantic attraction to him and I didn't want to hurt him so bad. I wound up staying with him after each "break" and it was an emotional affair on my end which led me to pull the plug officially the third and final time. I finally asked for a permanent break and started dating the new guy. OP- I agree with the advice you've been given here. Do not cook her dinner, do not do any extravagant acts to try and get her back. My ex bought me bouquets of flowers, begged, pleaded, it was awful. And it didn't make me want to stay with him, it made me feel really really embarrassed for him. 2
Satu Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 1. Accept that it's over. 2. Adapt to your changed circumstances. 3. No contact.
spiderowl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 The Squidster, You mentioned something very important in your first paragraph and also probably overlooked it due to being blinded by love (Can't blame you, it happens to the best of us). You were her REBOUND. You provided her a gentle landing as a "friend" and made her feel good about herself, it took her 9 months to get her self esteem and confidence back, during this time since you were being this awesome helping friend, she returned the favor to you. Since you were also interested in pursuing a relationship with her, she gave you what you asked for to fit her own needs for the time being. Translation to the highlighted sentence : I think I have my self esteem back now, thank you so much for being such a wonderful guy and providing me with a soft landing. Since I am back to my old self, I think I am gonna find something that suits my tastes better, but hey that doesn't mean I don't like you, I do, but just in a friendly way (; She's just being nice. If I were you, I would have probably cancelled the dinner and gave her exactly what she asked for "space" and give her lots of it and carry on with my life like I used to. Dude you fixed her and look what she did in return, she broke you. That's not someone who appreciates you or loves you, that someone who uses people to get themselves back on track. I personally would give her space for a lifetime. Once you are out of your emotional state, you'll see everything more clearly, till then I would recommend you to go NC on her, not in hopes to get her back, but for yourself, improve the quality of your life and trust me you can find way better than this, by the time she realizes that she has made a mistake and her ship is sinking, you would care less about her and probably wave at her with a smile on your face as your ship passes through hers. Actually, they were both rebounds so it's not entirely fair to say she's the only one. The issue seems to be that he formed an attachment and she has not developed one in the same way. She split with her husband, was it her choice? I do think people bring their former relationships into new ones. If someone broke up from a serious relationship and it was not their choice to break up, there is always a ghost in the background to deal with.
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