Am I wrong to stay?

[Kat12101]

I've been with a great man for 6 years now. Until just recently, we had the seemingly perfect relationship. But there are now factors that have come to light- and I'm wondering if I am doing to right thing in staying. I'm actually pretty sure I should move on- but it is hard to let go of.

1. I've been asking about getting married for years. He has no answer when I ask why we aren't or why he isn't ready. He just mostly won't talk about it. My therapist says maybe he doesn't know why- he just knows he isn't ready. Red flag right there.

2. He works a lot. Military. Insanely long hours. High stress job. But he blames his job for everything. It has gotten unbareable lately. Questions that need an answer are always met with "Don't you know how many hours I worked today/this week? I don't have time to deal with that/think about that/handle this conversation etc."

3. I found evidence that he has attempted to cheat on me on craigslist causal encounters and on tinder. He denies it. Even spins into a rage when I asked about it. Someone else must have done it. Even when presented with printed evidence he REFUSES to come clean.

 

I know that he had a really rough upbringing, single mom, bio dad was neglectful and physically abusive. He has acne scarring that I think has made him feel ugly. He used to be into fitness but his joints have started hurting and he's gained weight ( not obese weight- like 10-15 pounds). He's in his 30's. He has HUGE aspirations for getting a hugely high paying job and a big house, trades in his car for a bigger more expensive one every year... I've done some research and a little bit it sounds like narcissism but he really doesn't check all those boxes.

I think he is insure for one thing. But he is SUPER successful at his current job- which he will be leaving in a few months to be a civilian for the first time in almost 2 decades.

So is the porn watching, contacting people online but not following through (that I can find evidence of-- either they didn't respond or he didn't go through with it- I'm not sure which) and the super crazy job stress all part of a bigger disorder?

When he is out of the military, doing a job he likes, and closer to family, will some of his insecurities calm down? Are we destined for him to never marry me and actually cheat on me one day- or is there hope he will get out of the service, get happy with his life, and we might be ok?

 

He always used to do nice things, tell me he loved me, make me mixed tapes before he deployed, all those things. NOw he is so obsessed with how much his job sucks that he doesn't ever do them anymore.

 

Anyone have similar experience with something like this?

[TunaCat]

There's nothing in your description of this man that makes me say "Yes, save the relationship"

 

After 6 years together, you guys should be able to talk freely about your future. His reluctance to do so, would be a dealbreaker for me.

[Cinnamonstix]

Forget about his not wanting to marry YOU. Why on earth would you want to marry HIM?