hanrose Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 Hi, guys. I'm glad to have found a forum where I can anonymously reveal my current thoughts and get honest, unbiased opinions from other people. I'm 31 years old, my boyfriend is 30. I've been with my boyfriend for two months-- officially, 2 months since he asked me to be his girlfriend, but we've been chatting and dating on and off for almost a year. We have talked every single day ever since we met almost a year ago, even during the periods when we weren't sure about each other and were not dating but merely friends. We were dating from August to September, but I "broke up" with him because he acted too much like a friend, not moving the relationship fast enough, but at the same time he wanted relationship benefits, like exclusivity and such. He'd get jealous if other guys flirted with me online, but at the same time he wasn't moving, or asking me to be with him officially, so OF COURSE I was keeping my options open. In December we saw each other again at a party, the attraction was stronger than ever so we started dating again.... as I saw him treat me more and more like a gf, I became more and more exclusive over time until finally in February he asked me to be his girlfriend and I am all his. NOW the problem is still that he's not emotionally expressive. He's told me "I love you" only three times, usually started off by me, and I'm used to hearing that every day. He says he hasn't had a girlfriend in 6 years, so that's why he doesn't know what to do or say, but I feel like that should be instinctive. You don't need a lot of wisdom or experience to say "I love you" every day. I have been married before and have a lot of experience with men, so even though he's a great guy I have fun going out with and having sex with, I feel like i should break up with him because I'm being fulfilled emotionally. It seems like the way he communicates best is through teasing and banter. I have talked to him about this, but he usually avoids talks like this, closes off, changes the subject, or uses the excuse that because he hasn't had a gf is 6 years, he's not sure how to act and what to do. Well, I told him what I want, and he still won't do it. Very well. I'm planning to break up with him soon-- dress up in my prettiest dress, the type of dress that drives him crazy, meet him at a cafe, and tell him that since he has issues opening up emotionally, perhaps we should part ways. Because it's very easy for women to accept a situation that doesn't make them completely happy, but I need to be confident and nip this from the root before I become more emotionally involved. But not yet, I'd like to have sex with him a couple of more time and maybe go on a couple of more outings. But I can't be with him because it hurts too much to be emotionally involved with someone who gives me enough signs that he loves me, but can't express it. I'm sure there's gotta be a guy out there who is as great as he is, AND can express his emotions, AND also prove his feelings. NOW! Based on this information... what do you guys think?!?! HONEST opinions, you don't know me and I don't know you, I just want your honest take on this.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 I think you should step back, and see it for what it is. Asking for someone to move faster is, as vintage called it, is being a bitch. You've said it yourself, you know it, he just has problems expressing it, So why don't you work on that, instead of breaking up for addressing it. If you read your own post, you'll notice that it's all about what you think, That's very selfish thinking, and only 1 side of the rink. Would you rather have a man who said I love you all the time, But never treated you to anything, for fear of you spending all his dime? Your whole post reeks of manipulation, and if it isn't, then I don't know what is, Dressing up extremely pretty with the intent of breaking it off is a bit sadist. How about you dress normally, and explain to him your demands, Cut this guy loose, with your requirements, he doesn't stand a chance. 1
Author hanrose Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Yes, what you say makes total sense and now I see where you think I come across that way. But wouldn't you feel that way also if you exposed your feelings and were slighted that way? It hurts to feel so strongly about someone who is so cold.... someone you want to hug and love and cherish, but you can't because you know he won't do it back, at least not with so much enthusiasm, so you're left feeling empty and like you love a cold wall. And over time, you have to limit your own naturally loving expression, and you shouldn't have to! And why does one always have to choose either actions or words? Why not both? Of course, having someone who only says "I love you" all the time and doesn't show it doesn't work. But someone who does both. I think you should step back, and see it for what it is. Asking for someone to move faster is, as vintage called it, is being a bitch. You've said it yourself, you know it, he just has problems expressing it, So why don't you work on that, instead of breaking up for addressing it. If you read your own post, you'll notice that it's all about what you think, That's very selfish thinking, and only 1 side of the rink. Would you rather have a man who said I love you all the time, But never treated you to anything, for fear of you spending all his dime? Your whole post reeks of manipulation, and if it isn't, then I don't know what is, Dressing up extremely pretty with the intent of breaking it off is a bit sadist. How about you dress normally, and explain to him your demands, Cut this guy loose, with your requirements, he doesn't stand a chance.
pteromom Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 NOW the problem is still that he's not emotionally expressive. He's told me "I love you" only three times, usually started off by me, and I'm used to hearing that every day. He says he hasn't had a girlfriend in 6 years, so that's why he doesn't know what to do or say, but I feel like that should be instinctive. It's not. Read about the 5 love languages. For some people, verbal expression isn't important or necessary. I feel like i should break up with him because I'm being fulfilled emotionally. It seems like the way he communicates best is through teasing and banter. I have talked to him about this, but he usually avoids talks like this, closes off, changes the subject, or uses the excuse that because he hasn't had a gf is 6 years, he's not sure how to act and what to do. Well, I told him what I want, and he still won't do it. If you've communicated your needs and he isn't making an effort to meet them, you are within your rights to break it off. If you've told him that hearing "I love you" is very important to you, it isn't as if it takes a lot of effort to do that. Very well. I'm planning to break up with him soon-- dress up in my prettiest dress, the type of dress that drives him crazy, meet him at a cafe, and tell him that since he has issues opening up emotionally, perhaps we should part ways. Why do it in a mean way? That just makes you into the bad guy. Be KIND. You are asking for kindness from him, so being cruel is quite hypocritical. If you want to break up, break up. No game-playing or driving him crazy or manipulation or counting how many times you want to have sex before moving on. Just tell him that verbal expression and communication is really important to you, and you feel he isn't able to give you what you want in those areas, so you are moving on. 3
Author hanrose Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Thank you for your reply!! I was actually trying not to paint ANYONE into the good or bad guy, but rather expose the situation for what it is-- definitely NOT trying to make MYSELF into the good guy, I wanted to reveal all that goes through my mind in order to get the most honest replies. I don't think he's bad. He's actually a great guy, but like you said-- and you hit the nail on the head-- "verbal expression and communication is really important to you, and you feel he isn't able to give you what you want in those areas, so you are moving on." These seemingly minor incompatibilities are the types of things humans tend to overlook in the beginning and years later end up stuck in unfulfilling relationships, and they don't realize how it happened. Well, often we ignore the little things in the beginning that are actually big things in the long run. There are bigger issues in relationships than this, but this should be the foundation, what gives you strength and inspires you to keep going when the big things come. I should check out that book, the 5 love languages, I see it recommended a lot online! Thanks. It's not. Read about the 5 love languages. For some people, verbal expression isn't important or necessary. If you've communicated your needs and he isn't making an effort to meet them, you are within your rights to break it off. If you've told him that hearing "I love you" is very important to you, it isn't as if it takes a lot of effort to do that. Why do it in a mean way? That just makes you into the bad guy. Be KIND. You are asking for kindness from him, so being cruel is quite hypocritical. If you want to break up, break up. No game-playing or driving him crazy or manipulation or counting how many times you want to have sex before moving on. Just tell him that verbal expression and communication is really important to you, and you feel he isn't able to give you what you want in those areas, so you are moving on.
SawtoothMars Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 But not yet, I'd like to have sex with him a couple of more time and maybe go on a couple of more outings. But I can't be with him because it hurts too much to be emotionally involved with someone who gives me enough signs that he loves me, but can't express it. I'm sure there's gotta be a guy out there who is as great as he is, AND can express his emotions, AND also prove his feelings. NOW! Based on this information... what do you guys think?!?! HONEST opinions, you don't know me and I don't know you, I just want your honest take on this. If forced to choose between someone who says the right things and someone who does the right things.... I will take actions over words every time. This is up to you though. Some ladies love a talker. 1
devilish innocent Posted April 6, 2015 Posted April 6, 2015 My original thought is that people express their feelings in different ways. Then you mentioned that you've tried to talk to him about it, but never gotten much of a response. That's a bigger red flag to me than him not saying those words. He's either being dishonest about something or he's really bad at communicating. So I think if you're feeling like you need to end it, then your instincts are most likely right. I just don't understand why you're dragging things on if you already know you want to leave him. It doesn't seem fair to him as you're now the one being dishonest. 4
Author hanrose Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 I have to admit-- a little sugar goes a long way! I just don't see why one only has to choose one. Why not a little bit of both?! If forced to choose between someone who says the right things and someone who does the right things.... I will take actions over words every time. This is up to you though. Some ladies love a talker.
Author hanrose Posted April 6, 2015 Author Posted April 6, 2015 Well, I just really love sex with him, he's hot and has lots of energy, and have a few outings planned, so I want to have a bit more fun with him. The way he is makes it hard for me to see him as respectable bf material, since he can't say I love you every day, so I will have my fun with him until I decide it's over. I can't let it last TOO much longer, though, because the longer it lasts the harder it is to let go. Then I'll end up like my mom, married to an emotionally unavailable man who makes her incredibly unhappy, but she can't leave him now because she's used to him and because they've been together so long it's hard for her to walk out. But I doubt I'd have to worry about ending up married to this guy. He's sooooo sloooooooowwwwww and immature, I doubt he'll ever consider getting married until he's like, 80. So even if things did go well with him, that would be another issue I'd probably have to deal with down the road, knowing how slow he is with everything. If just to be his gf he had to think about it for 7 months. That's something that most people either do or do not, right away. Now imagine for marriage! Goodness, it's something he'd probably think about for a decade or 2. OH NO, too much waiting without certainty for this guy. My original thought is that people express their feelings in different ways. Then you mentioned that you've tried to talk to him about it, but never gotten much of a response. That's a bigger red flag to me than him not saying those words. He's either being dishonest about something or he's really bad at communicating. So I think if you're feeling like you need to end it, then your instincts are most likely right. I just don't understand why you're dragging things on if you already know you want to leave him. It doesn't seem fair to him as you're now the one being dishonest.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Why should he tell you that he loves you when you clearly don't love him? A woman that loves a man would never act the way you are. Purposely postponing a break up to use him for dates and a few more sexual encounters. Then when you do break up with him, you're purposely going to wear his favorite dress just to throw it in his face? You sound like a terrible person. 4
losangelena Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Jeez, OP I'd say just break up with him if you don't like what he's saying/doing or not saying/not doing. I've been with my BF for seven months and neither of us have uttered the phrase, "I love you" yet, even though the feeling is there. I think your expectations are a little out of whack (MANY men I know are not verbally expressive), but if you don't want to give him a chance, then don't wait to break up with him. Having sex with him a couple more times would be cruel, as would throwing ish into his face by wearing that dress. Just yank the band aid off now and go get laid somewhere else if you really need to. 1
Author hanrose Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 I am OPEN to loving him if he said all the right things. He's doing many things right, but I can't allow myself to love him when I know most of the time I say 'I love you' he won't say it back. It makes me feel slighted, that's why I do this. Why should he tell you that he loves you when you clearly don't love him? A woman that loves a man would never act the way you are. Purposely postponing a break up to use him for dates and a few more sexual encounters. Then when you do break up with him, you're purposely going to wear his favorite dress just to throw it in his face? You sound like a terrible person.
Author hanrose Posted April 7, 2015 Author Posted April 7, 2015 Yes, I know my expectations SEEM out of whack, but these are the LITTLE things that become BIG things over time. I guess it's ok with you and bf because maybe that's also your style, and that's ok. Compatibility in expression and emotional style are important. I could get laid somewhere else, but I like it with HIM. I know it may sound cruel, but I prefer breaking up with him NOW and leave him wondering about how things could've been different if only he had been more expressive, while desire is still lit--- than satiate him until the orange is completely squeezed, and I've already wasted 5 years waiting, and he's already had enough of me and it's time to move on. I just like to think strategically. Jeez, OP I'd say just break up with him if you don't like what he's saying/doing or not saying/not doing. I've been with my BF for seven months and neither of us have uttered the phrase, "I love you" yet, even though the feeling is there. I think your expectations are a little out of whack (MANY men I know are not verbally expressive), but if you don't want to give him a chance, then don't wait to break up with him. Having sex with him a couple more times would be cruel, as would throwing ish into his face by wearing that dress. Just yank the band aid off now and go get laid somewhere else if you really need to.
Tribble Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I don't get it. You don't love him, so why are you saying it? You're only 'open' to loving him so why are you saying it?? To some people (myself included), the L word is a big word and should only be said if you mean it. When my bf first said it to me, I didn't say it back until I meant it. And that's what he wanted. He also isn't a fan if I say it back every time he says it. You should say it when you mean it, not as a reaction. Either way, you should break up with him. Right now. You're staying with him to get some sex and dates under your belt before you can move on to the next person. He hasn't really done anything wrong, he finds it difficult to express his emotions verbally and you're pushing. He may not be there yet himself, you've been going out for 2 months!! Let him find someone with more patience who suits him better. Let him go NOW. In a nice way without throwing what he's missing in your face. Gees, from what you've said, he doesn't deserve that. I am OPEN to loving him if he said all the right things. He's doing many things right, but I can't allow myself to love him when I know most of the time I say 'I love you' he won't say it back. It makes me feel slighted, that's why I do this. 2
Diezel Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 But not yet, I'd like to have sex with him a couple of more time and maybe go on a couple of more outings. But I can't be with him because it hurts too much to be emotionally involved with someone who gives me enough signs that he loves me, but can't express it. Um, what? Are you being serious right now? You know you don't want to be with him but you want to go out with him a few more times and have sex with him before you eventually dump him... knowing full well that you are doing it... And you're worried because he won't say three words?
Gary S Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 You have a lot to learn about men.... many don't say "I love you", men and women are not the same, unlike pop-psychology would have you believe. You can tell a man loves you by the way he looks at you, the way he touches you, the things he says and does, by his actions. Whatsamatter, you don't like Squint Eastwood?! When a woman says, "I love you", that translates to, "Now you say it". 2
WomenWubber Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 It seems you speak in different love "languages". Red flag, IMO.
Gary S Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Yeah, the love language she speaks is pop-psychology
Redhead14 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Hi, guys. I'm glad to have found a forum where I can anonymously reveal my current thoughts and get honest, unbiased opinions from other people. I'm 31 years old, my boyfriend is 30. I've been with my boyfriend for two months-- officially, 2 months since he asked me to be his girlfriend, but we've been chatting and dating on and off for almost a year. We have talked every single day ever since we met almost a year ago, even during the periods when we weren't sure about each other and were not dating but merely friends. We were dating from August to September, but I "broke up" with him because he acted too much like a friend, not moving the relationship fast enough, but at the same time he wanted relationship benefits, like exclusivity and such. He'd get jealous if other guys flirted with me online, but at the same time he wasn't moving, or asking me to be with him officially, so OF COURSE I was keeping my options open. In December we saw each other again at a party, the attraction was stronger than ever so we started dating again.... as I saw him treat me more and more like a gf, I became more and more exclusive over time until finally in February he asked me to be his girlfriend and I am all his. NOW the problem is still that he's not emotionally expressive. He's told me "I love you" only three times, usually started off by me, and I'm used to hearing that every day. He says he hasn't had a girlfriend in 6 years, so that's why he doesn't know what to do or say, but I feel like that should be instinctive. You don't need a lot of wisdom or experience to say "I love you" every day. I have been married before and have a lot of experience with men, so even though he's a great guy I have fun going out with and having sex with, I feel like i should break up with him because I'm being fulfilled emotionally. It seems like the way he communicates best is through teasing and banter. I have talked to him about this, but he usually avoids talks like this, closes off, changes the subject, or uses the excuse that because he hasn't had a gf is 6 years, he's not sure how to act and what to do. Well, I told him what I want, and he still won't do it. Very well. I'm planning to break up with him soon-- dress up in my prettiest dress, the type of dress that drives him crazy, meet him at a cafe, and tell him that since he has issues opening up emotionally, perhaps we should part ways. Because it's very easy for women to accept a situation that doesn't make them completely happy, but I need to be confident and nip this from the root before I become more emotionally involved. But not yet, I'd like to have sex with him a couple of more time and maybe go on a couple of more outings. But I can't be with him because it hurts too much to be emotionally involved with someone who gives me enough signs that he loves me, but can't express it. I'm sure there's gotta be a guy out there who is as great as he is, AND can express his emotions, AND also prove his feelings. NOW! Based on this information... what do you guys think?!?! HONEST opinions, you don't know me and I don't know you, I just want your honest take on this. 2 months since he asked me to be his girlfriend - You two have not spent enough time together in person to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Online chatting doesn't count. That being said "He's told me "I love you" only three times" -- he's said it more times in the time you've known him than a lot of men say it in a lifetime In the end though, you'll need to spend more time with him and weigh whether his lack of verbal expressiveness works for you. He may SHOW you more through actions that makes you "feel" it as time passes. It's sometimes a little bit more of a process than an event. 2
travelbug1996 Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 He has to say I Love you everyday? Wow poor guy. Yea you should break up with him. Sounds to me like you let your feelings get way ahead of his and that's not his fault. Learn how to follow a mans lead and it will save you a lot of heartache.
Gary S Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 That being said "He's told me "I love you" only three times" -- he's said it more times in the time you've known him than a lot of men say it in a lifetime - Thank you redhead. 1
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 Why should he tell you that he loves you when you clearly don't love him? A woman that loves a man would never act the way you are. Purposely postponing a break up to use him for dates and a few more sexual encounters. Then when you do break up with him, you're purposely going to wear his favorite dress just to throw it in his face? You sound like a terrible person. ^^Amen to that! OP, I realize you have your needs, like hearing "I love you" every day....but the way you are going about this makes you sound unbelievably self-centered, and demanding. You have been dating only TWO MONTHS for crying out loud! He's not there yet...why not be a cool, relaxed chick and give him some time to catch up to where you are emotionally. It's not like he's neglecting you, you said yourself you have a great time together. So frankly, I don't get your attitude. Again, it's only been two months, that's nothing! Do YOU love him?
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 I am OPEN to loving him if he said all the right things. He's doing many things right, but I can't allow myself to love him when I know most of the time I say 'I love you' he won't say it back. It makes me feel slighted, that's why I do this. You are OPEN to loving him ...IF he does and says all the "right" things? One of which is to be in love with "you" .. AND to tell you that every day?? Wow, just wow. Wow, you almost sound narcissistic... look THAT up on the internet!
BluEyeL Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 OP, you are exagerrating. I've been married to a guy who did say I love you all the time and was very verbally and physically expressive, just the way we women like it, but he in fact, didn't give a crap about the marriage and gave me a lot of trouble. Some guys know what we want and mimick it. But I'd go anytime for someone who means everything he says and does so he says things like that less often. I get you don't want to be with a cold man though and if this style doesn't work for you, then, ok, break up. 1
katiegrl Posted April 7, 2015 Posted April 7, 2015 You are OPEN to loving him ...IF he does and says all the "right" things? One of which is to be in love with "you" .. AND to tell you that every day?? Wow, just wow. Wow, you almost sound narcissistic... look THAT up on the internet! ^^What makes this even more unbelievable is that you expect all this..when YOU yourself don't even love him!!! WTF..... 1
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